The Monday morning, to which Fan had been looking forward with
considerable apprehension, brought no new and frightful experience: she
was not caught up and instantly plunged fathoms down beyond her depth
into that great cold ocean of knowledge; on the contrary, Miss Churton
merely took her for a not unpleasant ramble along the margin--that old
familiar margin where she had been accustomed to stray and dabble
and paddle in the safe shallows. Miss Churton was only making herself
acquainted with her pupil's mind, finding out what roots of knowledge
already existed there on which to graft new branches; and we know that
the time Fan had spent in the Board School had not been wasted. Miss
Churton was not shocked nor disappointed as her mother had been: the
girl had made some progress, and what she had learnt had not been wholly
forgotten.
If this easy going over old ground was a relief to Fan, she experienced
another and even a greater relief in her teacher's manner towards her.
She was gentle, patient, unruffled, explaining things so clearly, so
forcibly, so fully, as they had never been explained before, so that
learning became almost a delight; but with it all there was not the
slightest approach to that strange tenderness in speech and manner which
Fan had expected and had greatly feared. Feared, because she felt now
that she could not have resisted it; and how strange it seemed that
her finest quality, her best virtue, had become in this instance her
greatest enemy, and had to be fought against, just as some fight against
the evil that is in them.
But Miss Churton never changed. That first morning when she had, so to
speak, looked over her pupil's mind, seeking to discover her natural
aptitudes, was a type of all the succeeding days when they were together
at their studies. The girl's fears were quickly allayed; while Mrs.
Churton more slowly and little by little got over her unjust suspicions.
And the result was that with the exception of little petulant or
passionate outbreaks on the part of Mr. Churton, mere tempests in a
tea-cup, a novel and very welcome peace reigned at Wood End House.
Between mother and daughter there was only one quarrel more--the last
battle fought at the end of a long war. For a few days after that
evening when Constance had accompanied her to church, the poor woman
almost succeeded in persuading herself that a long-desired change was
coming, that the quiet curate, who had all learning, ancient and modern,
at his finger-ends, had succeeded at last in touching her daughter's
hard heart, and in at least partially lifting the scales that darkened
her eyes. For he was always seeking her out, conversing with her, and
it was evident to her mind that he had set himself to bring back
that wanderer to the fold. But the very next Sunday brought a great
disillusion. As usual her daughter did not go to church in the morning,
but when the bells were calling to evening service, and she stood with
Fan ready to leave the house, she still lingered, looking very pale, her
hands trembling a little with her agitation, afraid to go out too soon
lest Constance should also be coming. With sinking heart she at last
came out, but before walking a dozen yards she left Fan and went back to
the house, and going up to her daughter's bedroom, tapped at the door.
Constance opened it at once; her hat was on, and she had a book in her
hand.
“Are you not coming to church with us, Constance?” said the mother,
speaking low as if to conceal the fact that her heart was beating fast.
“No mother, I am only going to the garden to read.”
Mrs. Churton turned aside, and then stood for some moments in doubt.
There was such a repelling coldness in her daughter's voice, but it was
hard to have all her sweet hopes shattered again!
“Is it because I have expected it this evening, Constance, and have
asked you to go? Then how unkind you are to me! Last Sunday evening you
went unsolicited.”
“You are mistaken,” returned the other quietly. “I am not and never have
been unkind. All the unkindness and the enmity, open and secret, has
been on your side. That you know, mother. And I did not go unasked last
Sunday. Do you wish to know why I went?”
“Why did you go?”
“Only to please Mr. Northcott, and because he asked me. He knew, I
suppose, as well as I did myself, that it makes no difference, but I
could not do less than go when he wished it, when he is the only person
here who treats me unlike a Christian.”
_“Unlike_ a Christian! Constance, what do you mean?”
“I mean that he has treated me kindly, as one human being should treat
another, however much they may differ about speculative matters.”
“May God forgive you for your wicked words, Constance.”
“Leave me, mother; Fan is waiting, and you will be late at church. I
have not interfered with you in any way about the girl. Teach her what
you like, make much of her, and let her be your daughter. In return I
only ask to be left alone with my own thoughts.”
Then Mrs. Churton went down and joined Fan, deeply disappointed, wounded
to the core and surprised as well. For hitherto in all their contests
she, the mother, had been the aggressor, as she could not help
confessing to herself, while Constance had always been singularly
placable and had spoken but little, and that only in self-defence.
Now her own gentle and kind words had been met with a concentrated
bitterness of resentment which seemed altogether new and strange.
“What,” she asked herself, “was the cause of it?” Was this mysterious
poison of unbelief doing its work and changing a heart naturally sweet
and loving into a home of all dark thoughts and evil passions? Her words
had been blasphemous, and it was horrible to reflect on the condition of
this unhappy lost soul.
But these distressing thoughts did not continue long. Mr. Northcott
happened that evening to say a great deal about kindness and its effects
in his sermon; and Mrs. Churton, while she listened, again and again
recalled those words which her daughter had spoken, and which had seemed
so wild and unjust--“All the unkindness and the enmity, open and secret,
has been on your side.” Had she in her inconsiderate zeal given any
reason for such a charge? For if Constance really believed such a thing
it would account for her excessive bitterness. Then she remembered
how Fan had been mysteriously won over to her own side; to herself the
girl's action had seemed mysterious, but doubtless it had not seemed
so to Constance; she had set it down to her mother's secret enmity; and
though that reproach had been undeserved, it was not strange that she
had made it.
In the evening when Miss Churton, who had recovered her placid manner,
said good-night and left the room, her mother rose and followed her out,
and called softly to her.
Constance came slowly down the stairs, looking a little surprised.
“Constance, forgive me if I have been unkind to you,” said the mother,
with trembling voice.
“Yes, mother; and forgive me if I said too much this evening--I _did_
say too much.”
“I have already forgiven you,” returned her mother; and then for a few
moments they remained standing together without speaking.
“Good-night, mother,” said Constance at length, and offering her hand.
Her mother took it, and after a moment's hesitation drew the girl to her
and kissed her, after which they silently separated.
That mutual forgiveness and kiss signified that they were now both
willing to lay aside their vain dissensions, but nothing more. That it
would mark the beginning of a closer union and confidence between them
was not for a moment imagined. Mrs. Churton had been disturbed in her
mind; her conscience accused her of indiscretion, which had probably
given rise to painful suspicions; she could not do less than ask her
enemy's forgiveness. Constance, on her side, was ready to meet any
advance, since she only desired to be left in possession of the somewhat
melancholy peace her solitary life afforded her.
Meanwhile Fan was happily ignorant of the storm her coming to the house
had raised, and that these two ladies, both so dear to her, one loved
openly and the other secretly, had been fighting for her possession,
and that the battle was lost and won, one taking her as a lawful prize,
while the other had retired, defeated, but calmly, without complaint.
Her new life and surroundings--the noiseless uneventful days, each with
its little cares and occupations, and simple natural pleasures, the
world of verdure and melody of birds and wide expanse of sky--seemed
strangely in harmony with her spirit: it soon became familiar as if
she had been born to it; the town life, the streets she had known from
infancy, had never seemed so familiar, so closely joined to her life.
And as the days and weeks and months went by, her London life, when she
recalled it, began to seem immeasurably remote in time, or else unreal,
like a dream or a story heard long ago; and the people she had known
were like imaginary people. Only Mary seemed real and not remote--a link
connecting that old and shadowy past with the vivid living present.
Her mornings, from nine till one o'clock, were spent with her teacher,
and occasionally they went for a walk after dinner; but as a rule they
were not together during the last half of the day. After school hours
Miss Churton would hand over her pupil, not unwillingly, to her mother,
and, if the state of the weather did not prevent, she would go away
alone with her book to Eyethorne woods.
A strangely solitary and unsocial life, it seemed to Fan; and yet she
felt convinced in her mind that her teacher was warm-hearted, a lover of
her fellow-creatures, and glad to be with them; and that she should seem
so lonely and friendless, so apart even in her own home, puzzled her
greatly. A mystery, however, it was destined to remain for a long time;
for no word to enlighten her ever fell from Mrs. Churton's lips, who
seldom even mentioned her daughter's name, and never without a shade
coming over her face, as if the name suggested some painful thought.
All this troubled the girl's mind, but it was a slight trouble; and
by-and-by, when she had got over her first shyness towards strangers,
she formed fresh acquaintances, and found new interests and occupations
which filled her leisure time. Mrs. Churton often took her when going to
call on the few friends she had in the neighbourhood--friends who, for
some unexplained reason, seldom returned her visits. At the vicarage,
where they frequently went, Fan became acquainted with Mr. Long the
vicar, a large, grey-haired, mild-mannered man; and Mrs. Long, a round
energetic woman, with reddish cheeks and keen eyes; and the three Miss
Longs, who were not exactly good-looking nor exactly young. Before very
long it was discovered that she was clever with her needle, and, better
still, that she had learnt the beautiful art of embroidery at South
Kensington, and was fond of practising it. These talents were not
permitted to lie folded up in a napkin. A new altar-cloth was greatly
needed, and there were garments for the children of the very poor, and
all sorts of things to be made; it was arranged that she should spend
two afternoons each week at the vicarage assisting her new friends in
their charitable work.
But more to her than these friends were the very poor, whose homes,
sometimes made wretched by want or sickness or intemperance, she visited
in Mrs. Churton's company. The lady of Wood End House was not without
faults, as we have seen; but they were chiefly faults of temper--and her
temper was very sorely tried. She could not forget her lost sons, nor
shut her eyes to her husband's worthlessness. But the passive resistance
her daughter always opposed to her efforts, her dogged adherence to a
resolution never to discuss religious questions or give a reason for
her unbelief, had a powerfully irritating, almost a maddening, effect
on her, and made her at times denunciatory and violent. Her daughter's
motive for keeping her lips closed was a noble one, only Mrs. Churton
did not know what it was. But she was conscious of her own failings, and
never ceased struggling to overcome them; and she was tolerant of faults
in others, except that one fatal fault of infidelity in her daughter,
which was too great, too terrible, to be contemplated with calm. In
spite of these small blemishes she was in every sense a Christian,
whose religion was a tremendous reality, and whose whole life was one
unceasing and consistent endeavour to follow in the footsteps of her
Divine Master. To go about doing good, to minister to the sick and
suffering and comfort the afflicted--that was like the breath of life
to her; there was not a cottage--hardly a room in a cottage--within the
parish of Eyethorne where her kindly face was not as familiar as that of
any person outside of its own little domestic circle. Mrs. Churton soon
made the discovery that she could not give Fan a greater happiness than
to take her when making her visits to the poor; to have the gentle girl
she had learnt to love and look on almost as a daughter with her was
such a comfort and pleasure, that she never failed to take her when it
was practicable. At first Fan was naturally stared at, a little rudely
at times, and addressed in that profoundly respectful manner the poor
sometimes use to uninvited visitors of a class higher than themselves,
in which the words border on servility while the tone suggests
resentment. How inappropriate and even unnatural this seemed to her!
For these were her own people--the very poor, and all the privations and
sufferings peculiar to their condition were known to her, and she had
not outgrown her sympathy with them. Only she could not tell them that,
and it would have been a great mistake if she had done so. For no one
loves a deserter--a renegade; and a beggar-girl who blossoms into a lady
is to those who are beggars still a renegade of the worst description.
But the keen interest she manifested in her shy way in their little
domestic troubles and concerns, and above all her fondness for little
children, smoothed the way, and before long made her visits welcome.
She would kneel and take the staring youngster by its dirty hand--so
perfectly unconscious of its dirtiness, which seemed very wonderful in
one so dainty-looking--and start a little independent child's gossip
with it, away from Mrs. Churton and the elders of the cottage. And
she would win the little bucolic heart, and kiss its lips, sweet and
fragrant to her in spite of the dirt surrounding them; and by-and-by
the mother's sharp expression would soften when she met the tender grey
eyes; and thereafter there would be a new happiness when Fan appeared,
and if Mrs. Churton came without her, there would be sullen looks from
the little one, and inquiries from its mother after “your beautiful
young lady from London.”
All this was inexpressibly grateful to Mrs. Churton, all the more
grateful when she noticed that these visits they made together to the
very poor seemed to have the effect of drawing the girl more and more to
her. To her mind, all this signified that her religious teachings were
sinking into the girl's heart, that her own lofty ideal was becoming
increasingly beautiful to that young mind.
But she was making a great mistake--one which is frequently made by
those who do not know how easily some Christian virtues and qualities
are simulated by the unregenerate. All the doctrinal religion she had
imparted to Fan remained on the surface, and had not, and, owing to some
defect in her or for some other cause, perhaps could not sink down to
become rooted in her heart. After Mrs. Churton had, as she imagined,
utterly and for ever smashed and pulverised all Fan's preconceived and
wildly erroneous ideas about right and wrong, the girl's mind for some
time had been in a state of chaos with regard to such matters. But
gradually, by means of a kind of spiritual chemistry, the original
elements of her peculiar system came together, and crystallised again in
the old form. Her mental attitude was not like that of the downright and
doggedly-conservative Jan Coggan, who scorned to turn his back on “his
own old ancient doctrines merely for the sake of getting to heaven.”
There was nothing stubborn or downright in her disposition, and she was
hardly conscious of the change going on in her--the reversion to her own
past. She assented readily to everything she was told by so good a woman
as Mrs. Churton, and in a way she believed it all, and read her Bible
and several pious books besides, and got the whole catechism by heart.
It was all in her memory--many beautiful things, with others too
dreadful to think about; but it could not make her life any different,
or supplant her old simple beliefs, and she could never grasp the idea
that a living faith in all these things was absolutely essential, or
that they were really more than ornamental. Her lively sympathy for
those of her own class was the only reason for the pleasure she took in
going among the poor, and it also explained her natural unconstrained
manner towards them, which so quickly won their hearts. During these
visits she often recalled her own sad condition in that distant time
when she lived in Moon Street; thinking that it would have made a great
difference if some gracious lady had come to her there, with help in
her hands and words of comfort on her lips. It was this memory, this
thought, which filled her with love and reverence for her companion; it
was gratitude for friendship to the poor, but nothing loftier.
This was a quiet and uneventful period in Fan's life; a time of growth,
mental and physical, and of improvement; but as we have seen, the new
conditions she found herself in had not so far wrought any change in
her character. Those who knew her at Eyethorne, both gentle and simple,
would have been surprised to hear that she was not a lady by birth; in
her soul she was still the girl who had begged for pence in the Edgware
Road, who had run crying through the dark streets after the cab that
conveyed her drunken and fatally-injured mother to St. Mary's Hospital.
Let them disbelieve who know not Fan, who have never known one like her.