Preparing to Stand on the Truth
As Ruth went along the accustomed streets, every sight and every
sound seemed to bear a new meaning, and each and all to have some
reference to her boy's disgrace. She held her head down, and scudded
along dizzy with fear, lest some word should have told him what she
had been, and what he was, before she could reach him. It was a wild,
unreasoning fear, but it took hold of her as strongly as if it had
been well founded. And, indeed, the secret whispered by Mrs Pearson,
whose curiosity and suspicion had been excited by Jemima's manner,
and confirmed since by many a little corroborating circumstance, had
spread abroad, and was known to most of the gossips in Eccleston
before it reached Mr Bradshaw's ears.
As Ruth came up to the door of the Chapel-house, it was opened, and
Leonard came out, bright and hopeful as the morning, his face radiant
at the prospect of the happy day before him. He was dressed in the
clothes it had been such a pleasant pride to her to make for him. He
had the dark blue ribbon tied round his neck that she had left out
for him that very morning, with a smiling thought of how it would
set off his brown, handsome face. She caught him by the hand as they
met, and turned him, with his face homewards, without a word. Her
looks, her rushing movement, her silence, awed him; and although he
wondered, he did not stay to ask why she did so. The door was on the
latch; she opened it, and only said, "Upstairs," in a hoarse whisper.
Up they went into her own room. She drew him in, and bolted the door;
and then, sitting down, she placed him (she had never let go of him)
before her, holding him with her hands on each of his shoulders, and
gazing into his face with a woeful look of the agony that could not
find vent in words. At last she tried to speak; she tried with strong
bodily effort, almost amounting to convulsion. But the words would
not come; it was not till she saw the absolute terror depicted on
his face that she found utterance; and then the sight of that terror
changed the words from what she meant them to have been. She drew him
to her, and laid her head upon his shoulder; hiding her face even
there.
"My poor, poor boy! my poor, poor darling! Oh! would that I had
died--I had died, in my innocent girlhood!"
"Mother! mother!" sobbed Leonard. "What is the matter? Why do you
look so wild and ill? Why do you call me your 'poor boy'? Are we not
going to Scaurside-hill? I don't much mind it, mother; only please
don't gasp and quiver so. Dearest mother, are you ill? Let me call
Aunt Faith!"
Ruth lifted herself up, and put away the hair that had fallen
over and was blinding her eyes. She looked at him with intense
wistfulness.
"Kiss me, Leonard!" said she--"kiss me, my darling, once more in the
old way!" Leonard threw himself into her arms and hugged her with all
his force, and their lips clung together as in the kiss given to the
dying.
"Leonard!" said she at length, holding him away from her, and nerving
herself up to tell him all by one spasmodic effort--"listen to me."
The boy stood breathless and still, gazing at her. On her impetuous
transit from Mr Bradshaw's to the Chapel-house, her wild, desperate
thought had been that she would call herself by every violent,
coarse name which the world might give her--that Leonard should hear
those words applied to his mother first from her own lips; but the
influence of his presence--for he was a holy and sacred creature in
her eyes, and this point remained steadfast, though all the rest were
upheaved--subdued her; and now it seemed as if she could not find
words fine enough, and pure enough, to convey the truth that he must
learn, and should learn from no tongue but hers.
"Leonard--when I was very young I did very wrong. I think God, who
knows all, will judge me more tenderly than men--but I did wrong in a
way which you cannot understand yet" (she saw the red flush come into
his cheek, and it stung her as the first token of that shame which
was to be his portion through life)--"in a way people never forget,
never forgive. You will hear me called the hardest names that ever
can be thrown at women--I have been, to-day; and, my child, you
must bear it patiently, because they will be partly true. Never get
confused, by your love for me, into thinking that what I did was
right.--Where was I?" said she, suddenly faltering, and forgetting
all she had said and all she had got to say; and then, seeing
Leonard's face of wonder, and burning shame and indignation, she went
on more rapidly, as fearing lest her strength should fail before she
had ended.
"And, Leonard," continued she, in a trembling, sad voice, "this is
not all. The punishment of punishments lies awaiting me still. It is
to see you suffer for my wrongdoing. Yes, darling! they will speak
shameful things of you, poor innocent child! as well as of me, who
am guilty. They will throw it in your teeth through life, that your
mother was never married--was not married when you were born--"
"Were not you married? Are not you a widow?" asked he abruptly, for
the first time getting anything like a clear idea of the real state
of the case.
"No! May God forgive me, and help me!" exclaimed she, as she saw a
strange look of repugnance cloud over the boy's face, and felt a
slight motion on his part to extricate himself from her hold. It
was as slight, as transient as it could be--over in an instant. But
she had taken her hands away, and covered up her face with them as
quickly--covered up her face in shame before her child; and in the
bitterness of her heart she was wailing out, "Oh, would to God I had
died--that I had died as a baby--that I had died as a little baby
hanging at my mother's breast!"
"Mother," said Leonard, timidly putting his hand on her arm; but she
shrunk from him, and continued her low, passionate wailing. "Mother,"
said he, after a pause, coming nearer, though she saw it not--"mammy
darling," said he, using the caressing name, which he had been trying
to drop as not sufficiently manly, "mammy, my own, own dear, dear,
darling mother, I don't believe them--I don't, I don't, I don't, I
don't!" He broke out into a wild burst of crying as he said this. In
a moment her arms were round the poor boy, and she was hushing him
up like a baby on her bosom. "Hush, Leonard! Leonard, be still, my
child! I have been too sudden with you!--I have done you harm--oh!
I have done you nothing but harm," cried she, in a tone of bitter
self-reproach.
"No, mother," said he, stopping his tears, and his eyes blazing out
with earnestness; "there never was such a mother as you have been to
me, and I won't believe any one who says it. I won't; and I'll knock
them down if they say it again, I will!" He clenched his fist, with a
fierce, defiant look on his face.
"You forget, my child," said Ruth, in the sweetest, saddest tone that
ever was heard, "I said it of myself; I said it because it was true."
Leonard threw his arms tight round her, and hid his face against her
bosom. She felt him pant there like some hunted creature. She had no
soothing comfort to give him. "Oh, that she and he lay dead!"
At last, exhausted, he lay so still and motionless, that she feared
to look. She wanted him to speak, yet dreaded his first words.
She kissed his hair, his head, his very clothes, murmuring low,
inarticulate, moaning sounds.
"Leonard," said she, "Leonard, look up at me! Leonard, look up!" But
he only clung the closer, and hid his face the more.
"My boy!" said she, "what can I do or say? If I tell you never to
mind it--that it is nothing--I tell you false. It is a bitter shame
and a sorrow that I have drawn down upon you. A shame, Leonard,
because of me, your mother; but, Leonard, it is no disgrace or
lowering of you in the eyes of God." She spoke now as if she had
found the clue which might lead him to rest and strength at last.
"Remember that, always. Remember that, when the time of trial
comes--and it seems a hard and cruel thing that you should be
called reproachful names by men, and all for what was no fault of
yours--remember God's pity and God's justice; and though my sin shall
have made you an outcast in the world--oh, my child, my child!"--(she
felt him kiss her, as if mutely trying to comfort her--it gave her
strength to go on)--"remember, darling of my heart, it is only your
own sin that can make you an outcast from God."
She grew so faint that her hold of him relaxed. He looked up
affrighted. He brought her water--he threw it over her; in his terror
at the notion that she was going to die and leave him, he called her
by every fond name, imploring her to open her eyes.
When she partially recovered, he helped her to the bed, on which
she lay still, wan and death-like. She almost hoped the swoon that
hung around her might be Death, and in that imagination she opened
her eyes to take a last look at her boy. She saw him pale and
terror-stricken; and pity for his affright roused her, and made her
forget herself in the wish that he should not see her death, if she
were indeed dying.
"Go to Aunt Faith!" whispered she; "I am weary, and want sleep."
Leonard arose slowly and reluctantly. She tried to smile upon him,
that what she thought would be her last look might dwell in his
remembrance as tender and strong; she watched him to the door; she
saw him hesitate, and return to her. He came back to her, and said in
a timid, apprehensive tone:
"Mother--will _they_ speak to me about--it?"
Ruth closed her eyes, that they might not express the agony she felt,
like a sharp knife, at this question. Leonard had asked it with a
child's desire of avoiding painful and mysterious topics,--from no
personal sense of shame as she understood it, shame beginning thus
early, thus instantaneously.
"No," she replied. "You may be sure they will not."
So he went. But now she would have been thankful for the
unconsciousness of fainting; that one little speech bore so much
meaning to her hot, irritable brain. Mr and Miss Benson, all in their
house, would never speak to the boy--but in his home alone would he
be safe from what he had already learnt to dread. Every form in which
shame and opprobrium could overwhelm her darling, haunted her. She
had been exercising strong self-control for his sake ever since she
had met him at the house-door; there was now a reaction. His presence
had kept her mind on its perfect balance. When that was withdrawn,
the effect of the strain of power was felt. And athwart the
fever-mists that arose to obscure her judgment, all sorts of
will-o'-the-wisp plans flittered before her; tempting her to this and
that course of action--to anything rather than patient endurance--to
relieve her present state of misery by some sudden spasmodic effort,
that took the semblance of being wise and right. Gradually all
her desires, all her longing, settled themselves on one point.
What had she done--what could she do, to Leonard, but evil? If she
were away, and gone no one knew where--lost in mystery, as if she
were dead--perhaps the cruel hearts might relent, and show pity
on Leonard; while her perpetual presence would but call up the
remembrance of his birth. Thus she reasoned in her hot, dull brain;
and shaped her plans in accordance.
Leonard stole downstairs noiselessly. He listened to find some
quiet place where he could hide himself. The house was very still.
Miss Benson thought the purposed expedition had taken place, and
never dreamed but that Ruth and Leonard were on distant, sunny
Scaurside-hill; and after a very early dinner, she had set out to
drink tea with a farmer's wife who lived in the country two or three
miles off. Mr Benson meant to have gone with her; but while they were
at dinner, he had received an unusually authoritative note from Mr
Bradshaw desiring to speak with him, so he went to that gentleman's
house instead. Sally was busy in her kitchen, making a great noise
(not unlike a groom rubbing down a horse) over her cleaning.
Leonard stole into the sitting-room, and crouched behind the large
old-fashioned sofa to ease his sore, aching heart, by crying with all
the prodigal waste and abandonment of childhood.
Mr Benson was shown into Mr Bradshaw's own particular room. The
latter gentleman was walking up and down, and it was easy to perceive
that something had occurred to chafe him to great anger.
"Sit down, sir!" said he to Mr Benson, nodding to a chair.
Mr Benson sat down. But Mr Bradshaw continued his walk for a few
minutes longer without speaking. Then he stopped abruptly, right in
front of Mr Benson; and in a voice which he tried to render calm, but
which trembled with passion--with a face glowing purple as he thought
of his wrongs (and real wrongs they were), he began:
"Mr Benson, I have sent for you to ask--I am almost too indignant
at the bare suspicion to speak as becomes me--but did you--I really
shall be obliged to beg your pardon, if you are as much in the dark
as I was yesterday as to the character of that woman who lives under
your roof?"
There was no answer from Mr Benson. Mr Bradshaw looked at him very
earnestly. His eyes were fixed on the ground--he made no inquiry--he
uttered no expression of wonder or dismay. Mr Bradshaw ground his
foot on the floor with gathering rage; but just as he was about to
speak, Mr Benson rose up--a poor deformed old man--before the stern
and portly figure that was swelling and panting with passion.
"Hear me, sir!" (stretching out his hand as if to avert the words
which were impending). "Nothing you can say, can upbraid me like my
own conscience; no degradation you can inflict, by word or deed, can
come up to the degradation I have suffered for years, at being a
party to a deceit, even for a good end--"
"For a good end!--Nay! what next?"
The taunting contempt with which Mr Bradshaw spoke these words almost
surprised himself by what he imagined must be its successful power of
withering; but in spite of it, Mr Benson lifted his grave eyes to Mr
Bradshaw's countenance, and repeated:
"For a good end. The end was not, as perhaps you consider it to have
been, to obtain her admission into your family--nor yet to put her in
the way of gaining her livelihood; my sister and I would willingly
have shared what we have with her; it was our intention to do so at
first, if not for any length of time, at least as long as her health
might require it. Why I advised (perhaps I only yielded to advice)
a change of name--an assumption of a false state of widowhood--was
because I earnestly desired to place her in circumstances in which
she might work out her self-redemption; and you, sir, know how
terribly the world goes against all such as have sinned as Ruth did.
She was so young, too."
"You mistake, sir; my acquaintance has not lain so much among that
class of sinners as to give me much experience of the way in which
they are treated. But, judging from what I have seen, I should say
they meet with full as much leniency as they deserve; and supposing
they do not--I know there are plenty of sickly sentimentalists just
now who reserve all their interest and regard for criminals--why
not pick out one of these to help you in your task of washing the
blackamoor white? Why choose me to be imposed upon--my household into
which to intrude your protégée? Why were my innocent children to be
exposed to corruption? I say," said Mr Bradshaw, stamping his foot,
"how dared you come into this house, where you were looked upon as a
minister of religion, with a lie in your mouth? How dared you single
me out, of all people, to be gulled and deceived, and pointed at
through the town as the person who had taken an abandoned woman into
his house to teach his daughters?"
"I own my deceit was wrong and faithless."
"Yes! you can own it, now it is found out! There is small merit in
that, I think!"
"Sir! I claim no merit. I take shame to myself. I did not single you
out. You applied to me with your proposal that Ruth should be your
children's governess."
"Pah!"
"And the temptation was too great-- No! I will not say that--but the
temptation was greater than I could stand--it seemed to open out a
path of usefulness."
"Now, don't let me hear you speak so," said Mr Bradshaw, blazing
up. "I can't stand it. It is too much to talk in that way when the
usefulness was to consist in contaminating my innocent girls."
"God knows that if I had believed there had been any danger of such
contamination--God knows how I would have died sooner than have
allowed her to enter your family. Mr Bradshaw, you believe me, don't
you?" asked Mr Benson, earnestly.
"I really must be allowed the privilege of doubting what you say in
future," said Mr Bradshaw, in a cold, contemptuous manner.
"I have deserved this," Mr Benson replied. "But," continued he, after
a moment's pause, "I will not speak of myself, but of Ruth. Surely,
sir, the end I aimed at (the means I took to obtain it were wrong;
you cannot feel that more than I do) was a right one; and you
will not--you cannot say, that your children have suffered from
associating with her. I had her in my family, under the watchful eyes
of three anxious persons for a year or more; we saw faults--no human
being is without them--and poor Ruth's were but slight venial errors;
but we saw no sign of a corrupt mind--no glimpse of boldness or
forwardness--no token of want of conscientiousness; she seemed, and
was, a young and gentle girl, who had been led astray before she
fairly knew what life was."
"I suppose most depraved women have been innocent in their time,"
said Mr Bradshaw, with bitter contempt.
"Oh, Mr Bradshaw! Ruth was not depraved, and you know it. You cannot
have seen her--have known her daily, all these years, without
acknowledging that!" Mr Benson was almost breathless, awaiting Mr
Bradshaw's answer. The quiet self-control which he had maintained so
long, was gone now.
"I saw her daily--I did _not_ know her. If I had known her, I should
have known she was fallen and depraved, and consequently not fit to
come into my house, nor to associate with my pure children."
"Now I wish God would give me power to speak out convincingly what
I believe to be His truth, that not every woman who has fallen is
depraved; that many--how many the Great Judgment Day will reveal
to those who have shaken off the poor, sore, penitent hearts on
earth--many, many crave and hunger after a chance for virtue--the
help which no man gives to them--help--that gentle, tender help which
Jesus gave once to Mary Magdalen." Mr Benson was almost choked by his
own feelings.
"Come, come, Mr Benson, let us have no more of this morbid way of
talking. The world has decided how such women are to be treated; and,
you may depend upon it, there is so much practical wisdom in the
world that its way of acting is right in the long run, and that no
one can fly in its face with impunity, unless, indeed, they stoop to
deceit and imposition."
"I take my stand with Christ against the world," said Mr Benson,
solemnly, disregarding the covert allusion to himself. "What have the
world's ways ended in? Can we be much worse than we are?"
"Speak for yourself, if you please."
"Is it not time to change some of our ways of thinking and acting? I
declare before God, that if I believe in any one human truth, it is
this--that to every woman who, like Ruth, has sinned, should be given
a chance of self-redemption--and that such a chance should be given
in no supercilious or contemptuous manner, but in the spirit of the
holy Christ."
"Such as getting her into a friend's house under false colours."
"I do not argue on Ruth's case. In that I have acknowledged my error.
I do not argue on any case. I state my firm belief, that it is God's
will that we should not dare to trample any of His creatures down
to the hopeless dust; that it is God's will that the women who have
fallen should be numbered among those who have broken hearts to be
bound up, not cast aside as lost beyond recall. If this be God's
will, as a thing of God it will stand; and He will open a way."
"I should have attached much more importance to all your exhortation
on this point if I could have respected your conduct in other
matters. As it is, when I see a man who has deluded himself into
considering falsehood right, I am disinclined to take his opinion on
subjects connected with morality; and I can no longer regard him as
a fitting exponent of the will of God. You perhaps understand what I
mean, Mr Benson. I can no longer attend your chapel."
If Mr Benson had felt any hope of making Mr Bradshaw's obstinate
mind receive the truth, that he acknowledged and repented of his
connivance at the falsehood by means of which Ruth had been received
into the Bradshaw family, this last sentence prevented his making the
attempt. He simply bowed and took his leave--Mr Bradshaw attending
him to the door with formal ceremony.
He felt acutely the severance of the tie which Mr Bradshaw had just
announced to him. He had experienced many mortifications in his
intercourse with that gentleman, but they had fallen off from
his meek spirit like drops of water from a bird's plumage; and
now he only remembered the acts of substantial kindness rendered
(the ostentation all forgotten)--many happy hours and pleasant
evenings--the children whom he had loved dearer than he thought
till now--the young people about whom he had cared, and whom he had
striven to lead aright. He was but a young man when Mr Bradshaw
first came to his chapel; they had grown old together; he had never
recognised Mr Bradshaw as an old familiar friend so completely as now
when they were severed.
It was with a heavy heart that he opened his own door. He went to his
study immediately; he sat down to steady himself into his position.
How long he was there--silent and alone--reviewing his
life--confessing his sins--he did not know; but he heard some unusual
sound in the house that disturbed him--roused him to present life.
A slow, languid step came along the passage to the front door--the
breathing was broken by many sighs.
Ruth's hand was on the latch when Mr Benson came out. Her face
was very white, except two red spots on each cheek--her eyes were
deep-sunk and hollow, but glittered with feverish lustre. "Ruth!"
exclaimed he. She moved her lips, but her throat and mouth were too
dry for her to speak.
"Where are you going?" asked he; for she had all her walking things
on, yet trembled so, even as she stood, that it was evident she could
not walk far without falling.
She hesitated--she looked up at him, still with the same dry
glittering eyes. At last she whispered (for she could only speak in a
whisper), "To Helmsby--I am going to Helmsby."
"Helmsby! my poor girl--may God have mercy upon you!" for he saw she
hardly knew what she was saying. "Where is Helmsby?"
"I don't know. In Lincolnshire, I think."
"But why are you going there?"
"Hush! he's asleep," said she, as Mr Benson had unconsciously raised
his voice.
"Who is asleep?" asked Mr Benson.
"That poor little boy," said she, beginning to quiver and cry.
"Come here!" said he, authoritatively, drawing her into the study.
"Sit down in that chair. I will come back directly."
He went in search of his sister, but she had not returned. Then he
had recourse to Sally, who was as busy as ever about her cleaning.
"How long has Ruth been at home?" asked he.
"Ruth! She has never been at home sin' morning. She and Leonard were
to be off for the day somewhere or other with them Bradshaw girls."
"Then she has had no dinner?"
"Not here, at any rate. I can't answer for what she may have done at
other places."
"And Leonard--where is he?"
"How should I know? With his mother, I suppose. Leastways, that was
what was fixed on. I've enough to do of my own, without routing after
other folks."
She went on scouring in no very good temper. Mr Benson stood silent
for a moment.
"Sally," he said, "I want a cup of tea. Will you make it as soon as
you can; and some dry toast too? I'll come for it in ten minutes."
Struck by something in his voice, she looked up at him for the first
time.
"What ha' ye been doing to yourself, to look so grim and grey? Tiring
yourself all to tatters, looking after some naught, I'll be bound!
Well! well! I mun make ye your tea, I reckon; but I did hope as you
grew older you'd ha' grown wiser!"
Mr Benson made no reply, but went to look for Leonard, hoping that
the child's presence might bring back to his mother the power of
self-control. He opened the parlour-door, and looked in, but saw no
one. Just as he was shutting it, however, he heard a deep, broken,
sobbing sigh; and, guided by the sound, he found the boy lying on the
floor, fast asleep, but with his features all swollen and disfigured
by passionate crying.
"Poor child! This was what she meant, then," thought Mr Benson. "He
has begun his share of the sorrows too," he continued, pitifully.
"No! I will not waken him back to consciousness." So he returned
alone into the study. Ruth sat where he had placed her, her head bent
back, and her eyes shut. But when he came in she started up.
"I must be going," she said, in a hurried way.
"Nay, Ruth, you must not go. You must not leave us. We cannot do
without you. We love you too much."
"Love me!" said she, looking at him wistfully. As she looked, her
eyes filled slowly with tears. It was a good sign, and Mr Benson took
heart to go on.
"Yes! Ruth. You know we do. You may have other things to fill up your
mind just now, but you know we love you; and nothing can alter our
love for you. You ought not to have thought of leaving us. You would
not, if you had been quite well."
"Do you know what has happened?" she asked, in a low, hoarse voice.
"Yes. I know all," he answered. "It makes no difference to us. Why
should it?"
"Oh! Mr Benson, don't you know that my shame is discovered?" she
replied, bursting into tears--"and I must leave you, and leave
Leonard, that you may not share in my disgrace."
"You must do no such thing. Leave Leonard! You have no right to leave
Leonard. Where could you go to?"
"To Helmsby," she said, humbly. "It would break my heart to go, but
I think I ought, for Leonard's sake. I know I ought." She was crying
sadly by this time, but Mr Benson knew the flow of tears would ease
her brain. "It will break my heart to go, but I know I must."
"Sit still here at present," said he, in a decided tone of command.
He went for the cup of tea. He brought it to her without Sally's
being aware for whom it was intended.
"Drink this!" He spoke as you would do to a child, if desiring it
to take medicine. "Eat some toast." She took the tea, and drank it
feverishly; but when she tried to eat, the food seemed to choke her.
Still she was docile, and she tried.
"I cannot," said she at last, putting down the piece of toast. There
was a return to something of her usual tone in the words. She spoke
gently and softly; no longer in the shrill, hoarse voice she had used
at first. Mr Benson sat down by her.
"Now, Ruth, we must talk a little together. I want to understand what
your plan was. Where is Helmsby? Why did you fix to go there?"
"It is where my mother lived," she answered. "Before she was married
she lived there; and wherever she lived, the people all loved her
dearly; and I thought--I think, that for her sake some one would give
me work. I meant to tell them the truth," said she, dropping her
eyes; "but still they would, perhaps, give me some employment--I
don't care what--for her sake. I could do many things," said she,
suddenly looking up. "I am sure I could weed--I could in gardens--if
they did not like to have me in their houses. But perhaps some one,
for my mother's sake--oh! my dear, dear mother!--do you know where
and what I am?" she cried out, sobbing afresh.
Mr Benson's heart was very sore, though he spoke authoritatively, and
almost sternly.
"Ruth! you must be still and quiet. I cannot have this. I want you
to listen to me. Your thought of Helmsby would be a good one, if it
was right for you to leave Eccleston; but I do not think it is. I
am certain of this, that it would be a great sin in you to separate
yourself from Leonard. You have no right to sever the tie by which
God has bound you together."
"But if I am here they will all know and remember the shame of his
birth; and if I go away they may forget--"
"And they may not. And if you go away, he may be unhappy or ill; and
you, who above all others have--and have from God--remember _that_,
Ruth!--the power to comfort him, the tender patience to nurse him,
have left him to the care of strangers. Yes; I know! But we ourselves
are as strangers, dearly as we love him, compared to a mother. He may
turn to sin, and want the long forbearance, the serene authority of
a parent; and where are you? No dread of shame, either for yourself,
or even for him, can ever make it right for you to shake off your
responsibility." All this time he was watching her narrowly, and saw
her slowly yield herself up to the force of what he was saying.
"Besides, Ruth," he continued, "we have gone on falsely hitherto. It
has been my doing, my mistake, my sin. I ought to have known better.
Now, let us stand firm on the truth. You have no new fault to repent
of. Be brave and faithful. It is to God you answer, not to men. The
shame of having your sin known to the world, should be as nothing to
the shame you felt at having sinned. We have dreaded men too much,
and God too little, in the course we have taken. But now be of good
cheer. Perhaps you will have to find your work in the world very
low--not quite working in the fields," said he, with a gentle smile,
to which she, downcast and miserable, could give no response. "Nay,
perhaps, Ruth," he went on, "you may have to stand and wait for some
time; no one may be willing to use the services you would gladly
render; all may turn aside from you, and may speak very harshly of
you. Can you accept all this treatment meekly, as but the reasonable
and just penance God has laid upon you--feeling no anger against
those who slight you, no impatience for the time to come (and come it
surely will--I speak as having the word of God for what I say) when
He, having purified you, even as by fire, will make a straight path
for your feet? My child, it is Christ the Lord who has told us of
this infinite mercy of God. Have you faith enough in it to be brave,
and bear on, and do rightly in patience and in tribulation?"
Ruth had been hushed and very still until now, when the pleading
earnestness of his question urged her to answer:
"Yes!" said she. "I hope--I believe I can be faithful for myself, for
I have sinned and done wrong. But Leonard--" She looked up at him.
"But Leonard," he echoed. "Ah! there it is hard, Ruth. I own the
world is hard and persecuting to such as he." He paused to think
of the true comfort for this sting. He went on. "The world is not
everything, Ruth; nor is the want of men's good opinion and esteem
the highest need which man has. Teach Leonard this. You would not
wish his life to be one summer's day. You dared not make it so, if
you had the power. Teach him to bid a noble, Christian welcome to
the trials which God sends--and this is one of them. Teach him not
to look on a life of struggle, and perhaps of disappointment and
incompleteness, as a sad and mournful end, but as the means permitted
to the heroes and warriors in the army of Christ, by which to show
their faithful following. Tell him of the hard and thorny path which
was trodden once by the bleeding feet of One. Ruth! think of the
Saviour's life and cruel death, and of His divine faithfulness. Oh,
Ruth!" exclaimed he, "when I look and see what you may be--what you
_must_ be to that boy, I cannot think how you could be coward enough,
for a moment, to shrink from your work! But we have all been cowards
hitherto," he added, in bitter self-accusation. "God help us to be so
no longer!"
Ruth sat very quiet. Her eyes were fixed on the ground, and she
seemed lost in thought. At length she rose up.
"Mr Benson!" said she, standing before him, and propping herself by
the table, as she was trembling sadly from weakness, "I mean to try
very, very hard, to do my duty to Leonard--and to God," she added,
reverently. "I am only afraid my faith may sometimes fail about
Leonard--"
"Ask, and it shall be given unto you. That is no vain or untried
promise, Ruth!"
She sat down again, unable longer to stand. There was another long
silence.
"I must never go to Mr Bradshaw's again," she said at last, as if
thinking aloud.
"No, Ruth, you shall not," he answered.
"But I shall earn no money!" added she, quickly, for she thought that
he did not perceive the difficulty that was troubling her.
"You surely know, Ruth, that while Faith and I have a roof to shelter
us, or bread to eat, you and Leonard share it with us."
"I know--I know your most tender goodness," said she, "but it ought
not to be."
"It must be at present," he said, in a decided manner. "Perhaps
before long you may have some employment; perhaps it may be some time
before an opportunity occurs."
"Hush," said Ruth; "Leonard is moving about in the parlour. I must go
to him."
But when she stood up, she turned so dizzy, and tottered so much,
that she was glad to sit down again immediately.
"You must rest here. I will go to him," said Mr Benson. He left her;
and when he was gone, she leaned her head on the back of the chair,
and cried quietly and incessantly; but there was a more patient,
hopeful, resolved feeling in her heart, which all along, through all
the tears she shed, bore her onwards to higher thoughts, until at
last she rose to prayers.
Mr Benson caught the new look of shrinking shame in Leonard's eye, as
it first sought, then shunned, meeting his. He was pained, too, by
the sight of the little sorrowful, anxious face, on which, until now,
hope and joy had been predominant. The constrained voice, the few
words the boy spoke, when formerly there would have been a glad and
free utterance--all this grieved Mr Benson inexpressibly, as but the
beginning of an unwonted mortification, which must last for years.
He himself made no allusion to any unusual occurrence; he spoke of
Ruth as sitting, overcome by headache, in the study for quietness:
he hurried on the preparations for tea, while Leonard sat by in the
great arm-chair, and looked on with sad, dreamy eyes. He strove
to lessen the shock which he knew Leonard had received, by every
mixture of tenderness and cheerfulness that Mr Benson's gentle heart
prompted; and now and then a languid smile stole over the boy's face.
When his bedtime came, Mr Benson told him of the hour, although
he feared that Leonard would have but another sorrowful crying of
himself to sleep; but he was anxious to accustom the boy to cheerful
movement within the limits of domestic law, and by no disobedience to
it to weaken the power of glad submission to the Supreme; to begin
the new life that lay before him, where strength to look up to God
as the Law-giver and Ruler of events would be pre-eminently required.
When Leonard had gone upstairs, Mr Benson went immediately to Ruth,
and said,
"Ruth! Leonard is just gone up to bed," secure in the instinct which
made her silently rise, and go up to the boy--certain, too, that
they would each be the other's best comforter, and that God would
strengthen each through the other.
Now, for the first time, he had leisure to think of himself; and to
go over all the events of the day. The half-hour of solitude in his
study, that he had before his sister's return, was of inestimable
value; he had leisure to put events in their true places, as to
importance and eternal significance.
Miss Faith came in laden with farm produce. Her kind entertainers had
brought her in their shandry to the opening of the court in which
the Chapel-house stood; but she was so heavily burdened with eggs,
mushrooms, and plums, that when her brother opened the door she was
almost breathless.
"Oh, Thurstan! take this basket--it is such a weight! Oh, Sally,
is that you? Here are some magnum-bonums which we must preserve
to-morrow. There are guinea-fowl eggs in that basket."
Mr Benson let her unburden her body, and her mind too, by giving
charges to Sally respecting her housekeeping treasures, before he
said a word; but when she returned into the study, to tell him the
small pieces of intelligence respecting her day at the farm, she
stood aghast.
"Why, Thurstan, dear! What's the matter? Is your back hurting you?"
He smiled to reassure her; but it was a sickly and forced smile.
"No, Faith! I am quite well, only rather out of spirits, and wanting
to talk to you to cheer me."
Miss Faith sat down, straight, sitting bolt-upright to listen the
better.
"I don't know how, but the real story about Ruth is found out."
"Oh, Thurstan!" exclaimed Miss Benson, turning quite white.
For a moment, neither of them said another word. Then she went on.
"Does Mr Bradshaw know?"
"Yes! He sent for me, and told me."
"Does Ruth know that it has all come out?"
"Yes. And Leonard knows."
"How? Who told him?"
"I do not know. I have asked no questions. But of course it was his
mother."
"She was very foolish and cruel, then," said Miss Benson, her eyes
blazing, and her lips trembling, at the thought of the suffering her
darling boy must have gone through.
"I think she was wise. I am sure it was not cruel. He must have soon
known that there was some mystery, and it was better that it should
be told him openly and quietly by his mother than by a stranger."
"How could she tell him quietly?" asked Miss Benson, still indignant.
"Well! perhaps I used the wrong word--of course no one was by--and I
don't suppose even they themselves could now tell how it was told, or
in what spirit it was borne."
Miss Benson was silent again.
"Was Mr Bradshaw very angry?"
"Yes, very; and justly so. I did very wrong in making that false
statement at first."
"No! I am sure you did not," said Miss Faith. "Ruth has had some
years of peace, in which to grow stronger and wiser, so that she can
bear her shame now in a way she never could have done at first."
"All the same it was wrong in me to do what I did."
"I did it too, as much or more than you. And I don't think it wrong.
I'm certain it was quite right, and I would do just the same again."
"Perhaps it has not done you the harm it has done me."
"Nonsense! Thurstan. Don't be morbid. I'm sure you are as good--and
better than ever you were."
"No, I am not. I have got what you call morbid just in consequence of
the sophistry by which I persuaded myself that wrong could be right.
I torment myself. I have lost my clear instincts of conscience.
Formerly, if I believed that such or such an action was according
to the will of God, I went and did it, or at least I tried to do it,
without thinking of consequences. Now, I reason and weigh what will
happen if I do so and so--I grope where formerly I saw. Oh, Faith! it
is such a relief to me to have the truth known, that I am afraid I
have not been sufficiently sympathising with Ruth."
"Poor Ruth!" said Miss Benson. "But at any rate our telling a lie has
been the saving of her. There is no fear of her going wrong now."
"God's omnipotence did not need our sin."
They did not speak for some time.
"You have not told me what Mr Bradshaw said."
"One can't remember the exact words that are spoken on either side in
moments of such strong excitement. He was very angry, and said some
things about me that were very just, and some about Ruth that were
very hard. His last words were that he should give up coming to
chapel."
"Oh, Thurstan! did it come to that?"
"Yes."
"Does Ruth know all he said?"
"No! Why should she? I don't know if she knows he has spoken to me at
all. Poor creature! she had enough to craze her almost without that!
She was for going away and leaving us, that we might not share in her
disgrace. I was afraid of her being quite delirious. I did so want
you, Faith! However, I did the best I could; I spoke to her very
coldly, and almost sternly, all the while my heart was bleeding for
her. I dared not give her sympathy; I tried to give her strength. But
I did so want you, Faith."
"And I was so full of enjoyment, I am ashamed to think of it. But the
Dawsons are so kind--and the day was so fine-- Where is Ruth now?"
"With Leonard. He is her great earthly motive--I thought that being
with him would be best. But he must be in bed and asleep now."
"I will go up to her," said Miss Faith.
She found Ruth keeping watch by Leonard's troubled sleep; but when
she saw Miss Faith she rose up, and threw herself on her neck and
clung to her, without speaking. After a while Miss Benson said:
"You must go to bed, Ruth!" So, after she had kissed the sleeping
boy, Miss Benson led her away, and helped to undress her, and brought
her up a cup of soothing violet tea--not so soothing as tender
actions and soft loving tones.