Endeavour after mental Culture amid ceaseless Struggles with Misery of
every kind.
By means of the instruction received from my father, but still more by
my own industry, I had got on so well, that in my eleventh year I was
able to pass as a full rabbi. Besides I possessed some disconnected
knowledge in history, astronomy, and other mathematical sciences. I
burned with desire to acquire more knowledge, but how was this to be
accomplished in the want of guidance, of scientific books, and of all
other means for the purpose? I was obliged therefore to content myself
with making use of any help that I could by chance obtain, without plan
or method.
In order to gratify my desire of scientific knowledge, there were no
means available but that of learning foreign languages. But how was I to
begin? To learn Polish or Latin with a Catholic teacher was for me
impossible, on the one hand because the prejudices of my own people
prohibited to me all languages but Hebrew, and all sciences but the
Talmud and the vast array of its commentators, on the other hand because
the prejudices of Catholics would not allow them to give instruction in
those matters to a Jew. Moreover I was in very low temporal
circumstances. I was obliged to support a whole family by teaching, by
correcting proofs of the Holy Scriptures, and by other work of a similar
kind. For a long time therefore I had to sigh in vain for the
satisfaction of my natural inclination.
At last a fortunate accident came to my help. I observed in some stout
Hebrew volumes, that they contained several alphabets, and that the
number of their sheets was indicated not merely by Hebrew letters, but
that for this purpose the characters of a second and a third alphabet
had also been employed, these being commonly Latin and German letters.
Now, I had not the slightest idea of printing. I generally imagined that
books were printed like linen, and that each page was an impression from
a separate form. I presumed however that the characters, which stood in
similar places, must represent one and the same letter, and as I had
already heard something of the order of the alphabet in these languages,
I supposed that, for example, _a_, standing in the same place as
_aleph_, must likewise be an aleph in sound. In this way I gradually
learnt the Latin and German characters.
By a kind of deciphering I began to combine various German letters into
words; but as the characters used along with the Hebrew letters might be
something quite different from these, I remained always doubtful
whether the whole of my labour in this operation would not be in vain,
till fortunately some leaves of an old German book fell into my hand. I
began to read. How great were my joy and surprise, when I saw from the
connection, that the words completely corresponded with those which I
had learned. 'Tis true, in my Jewish language many of the words were
unintelligible; but from the connection I was still able, with the
omission of these words, to comprehend the whole pretty well.[26]
This mode of learning by deciphering constitutes still my peculiar
method of comprehending and judging the thoughts of others; and I
maintain that no one can say he understands a book, as long as he finds
himself compelled to deliver the thoughts of the author in the order and
connection determined by him, and with the expressions which he has
used. This is a mere work of memory, and no man can flatter himself with
having comprehended an author till he is roused by his thoughts, which
he apprehends at first but dimly, to reflect on the subject himself,
and to work it out for himself, though it may be under the impulse of
another. This distinction between different kinds of understanding must
be evident to any man of discernment.--For the same reason also I can
understand a book only when the thoughts which it contains harmonise
after filling up the gaps between them.
I still always felt a want which I was not able to fill. I could not
completely satisfy my desire of scientific knowledge. Up to this time
the study of the Talmud was still my chief occupation. With this however
I found pleasure merely in view of its form, for this calls into action
the higher powers of the mind; but I took no interest in its matter. It
affords exercise in deducing the remotest consequences from their
principles, in discovering the most hidden contradictions, in hunting
out the finest distinctions, and so forth. But as the principles
themselves have merely an imaginary reality, they cannot by any means
satisfy a soul thirsting after knowledge.
I looked around therefore for something, by which I could supply this
want. Now, I knew that there is a so-called science, which is somewhat
in vogue among the Jewish scholars of this district, namely the
Cabbalah, which professes to enable a man, not merely to satisfy his
desire of knowledge, but also to reach an uncommon perfection and
closeness of communion with God. Naturally therefore I burned with
desire for this science. As however it cannot, on account of its
sacredness, be publicly taught, but must be taught in secret, I did not
know where to seek the initiated or their writings.