(_A Sketch in the New Law Courts in anticipation of the very
next "Cause Célèbre" that may have the good fortune to enlist the
sympathies of the British Public._)
SCENE--_A Corridor outside the Courts appropriated to the
Common Law Division of the High Court of Justice. At each of
the doors of the Court where the Great Trial of Arkass v.
Arkass and Ambo--which abounds in "scandalous revelations in
High Life"--is proceeding, a group of would-be auditors has
collected, waiting with the patience of respectable Peris for
a chance of admission to the forensic Paradise within. The
Paradise, at present, is full to overflowing, and the doors
are guarded by a couple of particularly stern and stolid
attendants. Each Peri is trying to wear out the endurance
of the rest, and to propitiate the doorkeepers by exemplary
behaviour._
[Illustration: No--but look _here_. I _know_ the Criminals.]
_A Meek Man_ (_to Doorkeeper, after standing in hopeful silence for
three-quarters of an hour_). I suppose there'll be a chance of getting
in presently, eh?
_The Doorkeeper_ (_placidly_). None whatever, Sir.
_The M.M._ But they'll be rising for luncheon in an hour or so, and
some will be coming out then, surely?
_Doork._ Not many; them as _are_ in stays in, mostly.
_The M.M._ (_with a sudden recollection that he is acquainted with one
of the Counsel engaged in the case_). Couldn't you take in my card to
Mr. TANFIELD? I'm sure he'll do anything he could for me.
[_The rest regard him with extreme disfavour, as one guilty of
unsportsmanlike behaviour._
_Doork._ It won't be no use--there ain't room in there as it is for a
billiard-cue--leastwise (_conscientiously_), a stoutish one--but I'll
get it taken in for you, if you _like_.
[_He opens the door a very little, and passes the card to an
attendant within._
_Junior Members of the Junior Bar_ (_in very clean white wigs, with
hauteur_). Thought you had orders to let Counsel in before the general
public? There _ought_ to be some rule about that, if there isn't.
_Doork._ So we do, Sir; but if this gentleman's a friend of Mr.
TANFIELD's, and he _arsks_ me to admit him, why you see--
_Junior Junior_ (_witheringly_). The convenience of mere Members of
the _Bar_ must give way, naturally!
[_The inside Attendant returns with card, which the
Doorkeeper unlocks the door to receive, and then shuts it to
with a sharp click, like a wild-beast-tamer._
_Doork._ (_to the M.M., after perusing card by the dim light_). I
_told_ you it wouldn't be no use, Sir. "Please wait," it says.
[_General movement of virtuous satisfaction at this
well-merited rebuke._
_The M.M._ (_wishing he had not put his trust in TANFIELD_). I--I
_have_ waited--but it don't matter. (_Addressing First White Wig,
from a timid social impulse_). The--er--Plaintiff made some remarkable
admissions in the box yesterday--his cross-examination seemed pretty
severe.
_First White Wig_ (_after a stare at his audacity_). Cross-examination
not unfrequently _is_. (_To the other W.W._) See that extraordinary
decision of old JUBBER's in _Biling_ v. _Bulgin_? Of course they'll
appeal!
[_The couple converse in highly technical terms for some
minutes._
_The M.M._ (_at the next pause_). It struck me that Colonel ARKASS
rather contradicted himself on one or two points.
_Second W.W._ Very likely. (_To First W.W._) What do _you_ do when
you're before one of these confounded Common Law Judges, and see he's
looking up a point of Equity in a text-book during your argument? Do
you wait for him?
_First W.W._ (_with all the decision of a Counsel who was called the
Term before last_). Wait for him? No--go on talking about anything you
like, till he's ready to listen to you again. That's what _I_ always
do!
_An Important Stranger_ (_bustling up; to Doorkeepers_). Here, I say,
let _me_ in, will you!
_Doork._ You a Witness in this case, Sir?
_The Imp. S._ (_after a tell-tale pause_). Er--yes--in a sort of way,
y'know.
_Doork._ Then _your_ entrance is down below, Sir, in the Central
'All--you'll see it written up there.
_The I.S._ Haw--well, I'm not _exactly_ a witness, but I'm interested
in the case, y'know.
_Doork._ So are all these Gentlemen, Sir--but they can't get in.
_The I.S._ No--but look _here_. I _know_ the criminals--'tleast I
don't mean to call 'em _that_, y'know--hope they're all innocent, I'm
sure. I like 'em all; _danced_ with 'em, and all that, lots of times.
_Doork._ Ah, well, you see they ain't dancin' to-day, Sir. (_The I.S.
bustles away; there is a stir within; the portion of the crowd in
Court that is visible through the glass-doors heaves convulsively,
and presently produces a stout and struggling Q.C._). Make way there!
Stand aside, gentlemen, please. Counsel coming out!
[_Q.C. comes out, puffing, followed by his Clerk and a
Client._
_First W.W._ (_as the chasm in the crowd closes again_). _Now_ you can
let us in!
_Doork._ (_stolidly_). Not yet, Sir. (_To other Doork._) I see that
party agen last night--_you_ know--him as was here making all that
shindy day afore yesterday. I went and 'ad a drink with 'im.
_Second Doork._ (_interested_). Ah, and 'ow _was_ he?
_First Doork._ Oh, same as usual--boozed. Told me he'd come up from
Glasgow for a week's spree--and he seems to be _'aving_ it, too. Going
'ome Saturday, so he sez.
_Second Doork._ (_grimly_). He'll be lucky if he gets there Saturday
fortnight!
[Illustration: IN HIS CLUTCHES.
"WHAT A DAY OI'M HAVIN'! BEGORRA, OI'VE GOT 'EM BOILIN' ON BOTH SOIDES
AV THE ATLANTIC AT THE SAME TOIME!"]
_Murmurs_ (_from the lucky Peris who can just see the witness-box
through the glass panel_). Who's that in the box? That's Colonel
ARKASS--finishing his cross-examination.... Doesn't seem to be
enjoying himself.... See how he's tugging at his moustache.... Got a
nasty one just then, I expect.... I'd as soon believe 'im as I would
'er--_now_.... She ain't been in the _box_ yet.... No, but she's a
reg'lar bad lot, from what was said in the opening speech. They won't
change my opinion of _'er_, whichever way the case goes! Well, I
'aven't followed it closely myself.... Oh, no more have I--but still
I've made up _my_ mind long ago about it, (&c., &c.)
_The I.S._ (_suddenly returning, indignant_). I say, they're letting
in all _sorts_ of people--barristers, and so on--at that _other_ door!
_Doork._ Can't 'elp that, Sir; _this_ ain't the other door--you should
speak to _them_ about it!
_The I.S._ (_naïvely_). Well, I _have_--and they told me to come here!
[_General snigger, amidst which he departs in disgust._
_A Small Office-Boy_ (_with a strip of paper, tied with red tape_).
Kin I see Sir HALFRID ALLABYE a moment?
_Doork._ Sir ALFRED ain't in this Court--he's engaged in another case.
_The O.B._ 'Is Clurk'll do--it's 'ighly important--you better lemme
_in_, I tell yer!
_Doork._ Send in a message for yer, if that'll do. (_The O.B. says
it doesn't signify, and bolts._) Young Artful! thinks he'll sneak in,
and spend his dinner-hour there--but he _don't_!
_The M.M._ (_who has been examining his card under a gaslight_).
I say, I've just found out that it wasn't "Please _wait_" that Mr.
TANFIELD wrote on my card--it's "Please _Admit_!"
[_A general titter of incredulity._
_First W.W._ (_to Second W.W._). Ingenious--but a trifle transparent
that, eh?
[_His friend smiles knowingly._
_The M.M._ (_roused_). Do you mean to suggest that I--
[_He chokes._
_First W.W._ Oh, not at all--I was speaking to my friend here. But you
really must allow that, if any preference is shown at all, it should
be given--equitably, and of right--to Members of the Bar!
_Chorus from the other Peris._ Yes, they've stood here nearly as
long as you have. You must wait your turn, like the rest of us! No
preferences _'ere_! We've got as much right to go in as you.... If Mr.
TANFIELD wants you admitted over our heads, let him come and let you
in himself! If _any_ one goes in first, it ought to be Barristers!
(&c., &c.)
_Doork._ (_impartially_). Well, it ain't o' much consequence,
Gentlemen, for I can't let _none_ of you in at present!
[_The M.M. simmers with suppressed rage; wonders if it is
worth while to mention that he happens to be a Barrister
himself, and wishes to enter for the serious and legitimate
purpose of collecting material for an Essay he is contributing
on "The Abuse of Cross-Examination" to the "Nineteenth
Century." On reflection, he thinks he had better not._
_Doork._ (_as the crowd in Court is again convulsed_). Clear the way
there! Court rising--Counsel coming out! Ah, this _is_ Mr. TANFIELD.
_The Peris_ (_White Wigs and all_). Now we shall _see_!
[_They regard the M.M. with anticipatory triumph._
_Mr. Tanfield_ (_passing out, and recognising the M.M._). Why, my dear
MUTTON, won't they let you in? Here, come along with me!
[_He passes his arm through the M.M.'s, walks with him to
the other door, murmurs a request for his admission, and the
next moment the M.M. is safe in the haven of his desire._
_The other Peris_ (_looking after him enviously_). Well, of all the
brazen impudence!
[_They are swept aside by the current of emerging Counsel,
Spectators, &c. and re-assemble, to find the doors as
pitilessly closed against them as ever. The White Wigs
threaten to write to the "Law Times" on the subject, and are
regarded with admiration by the rest as Champions of Popular
Rights._
* * * * *
[Illustration: OLD TIMES REVIVED.
_Portrait of Candidate making his Third Speech on same day._]
* * * * *