2. "_Food-accessory_" is a very pretty name for drink. Henceforth let
the butler go round as "the merry toast goes round." Let butlers and
footmen, in dining-rooms and places where they have various liquors,
be instructed to inquire of each and every guest "What food-accessory
will you take, Sir?"
3. "_The use of Alcohol dates from very early times._" But it is not
recommended by the faculty as a good thing to be taken at 7 A.M., or
at any time in the morning immediately on awaking.
As to when any one has had enough "alcohol," the old test first
put forward many years ago by _Mr. Punch_, still holds good. If
you can say "British Constitution" distinctly, and without effort,
so that it shall not be all in one composite word sounding like
"Bri'sh-conshushun," then, perhaps, you may go up-stairs (if you can)
and join the ladies.
4. "_The liver is very prone to become affected._" The question is,
first, Is "an evil liver" or "a good liver" here intended? But, apart
from this, any affectation in a liver, good or bad, is objectionable.
It must be taken for granted, in a serious discussion on the subject,
that "a slave to his liver" is a synonym for "a livery servant." The
one objection to a livery servant lies in this very fact; for a slave
to liver is rarely in a good humour, and is generally sulky, lazy, and
disobliging.
5. "_Wine comes in, rubs off the acerbities, and brings all down to
the same level of good humour._" The end of such a happy party is, of
course, all under the table, smiling, but speechless.
Smiling, but beautiful they lay,
A gleam was in their half-closed eye,
But still they murmured with a sigh,
Hic-shelsher-wa'.
Dr. ROBERTS, as quoted by his _confrère_, ROBSON ROOSETEM PASHA,
appears to be a very sensible person. Dr. ROBERTS--he is not Dr.
ARTHUR ROBERTS, we believe--recommends the liqueur to be judiciously
taken at meal-times. And, by the way, as the knowledge of when to
cry, "Hold, enough!" is most useful, here is another test of sobriety
in this very word "judicious," which some, after a couple of glasses
(or more) of fine old cognac, will pronounce as though 'twere spelt
"seducious," and some will swear it ought to be "jusidious." When
nobody can pronounce "judicious" correctly, the _arbiter bibendi_,
if himself absolutely sober as a judge ought to be,--a man quite
"above-board," i.e., not yet under it,--such a one may pronounce that
the guests have had quite enough. It is a pity that so excellent
a writer on temperance should have the singular disadvantage of a
plural name. If, after dinner, a worthy convivialist observed, "I see
ROBERTS," would not the question naturally be, "How many of 'em?"
The Doctor can omit the "s," and, as perhaps he is already a little
singular in his carefully-advanced theories, why should he not
de-pluralise his surname? Do the Doctors R.R. and R. differ on this?
Then we must decide. In the meantime, to show our approval of this
particular article of Dr. ROBSON ROOSTEM PASHA's faith, we, as a
jovial company, drink his health, and then depart for our annual
Alcoholiday trip.
* * * * *
LAWN TENNIS INTELLIGENCE.--BADDELAY has taken the cake.
* * * * *
[Illustration: THINGS ONE WOULD RATHER HAVE EXPRESSED OTHERWISE.
(_Lady Festus At Home_--2 A.M.)
_Hostess._ "ONLY JUST COME, SIR GEORGE? HOW GOOD OF YOU TO COME SO
LATE!"]
* * * * *