"And this is the man she loves!" I said, rising abruptly.
Raymond, terrified by my action, had buried himself anew under the
bedclothes.
"Do you still have nervous paroxysms?" he cried, without showing his
face.
"No, no, I'm all right. Adieu, Monsieur Raymond! be happy; and, above
all things, make Nicette happy."
With that, I left him, returned to my own room, and locked the door.
There I could at least give free vent to the passions which agitated me,
and which I had had the strength to restrain in Raymond's presence. My
heart was torn by love, jealousy, anger, and the most profound
melancholy in turn. I tried to regain my self-control and to overcome a
weakness at which I blushed; then I went out. For a week I courted the
distractions of society and abandoned myself to what men call pleasure.
But those things that once attracted me no longer had the slightest
charm for me. I went to the theatre, to balls, concerts, the most
brilliant parties; everywhere I was bored and discontented; wherever I
went, I carried in the depths of my heart a melancholy, a depression
which I could not overcome.
I was always delighted to go home; I was happier there; I sought new
suffering in my memories; but that very suffering had a charm for me
which I failed to find in society. But if I wished to forget _her_, I
must needs leave those lodgings. How could I fail to think of her in
that room, on that bed where she had slept! everything there reminded me
of her and fed my love for her. I felt that I must go away; that I must
leave Paris, where life had become unendurable to me. Distance, change
of scene, and time, which, they say, triumphs over everything,--those
were the remedies with which I must treat the insane passion that held
sway in my heart. I would go to see my sister; she had ceased to expect
me, but she would be none the less glad to see me; at all events, I
should find there people who loved me. It seemed to me that that would
do me good. My preparations were soon made. I locked the door of my
lodgings, which I retained, although I was resolved never to occupy them
again. I forbade Madame Dupont to let anyone enter except herself; she
was to take care of them. I paid two quarters' rent in advance, and
started for my sister's.