"Above all things, I like to subdue those who are cruel," he continued;
"with them there are at least some merit and firmness--you understand.
But I wager that my charmer is getting impatient; adieu, neighbor! love
and pleasure call me."
"Don't keep them waiting."
Raymond left my room, his bosom swelling with delight at being seen _en
bonne fortune_, and returned to his own, closing the door behind him.
All that he had said increased my curiosity; I was convinced that he had
been telling me fables, as usual. I gave no credit to his tales of great
ladies; and I could see him cudgelling his brains for lies while he was
talking to me; indeed, he seemed to go more into detail than his custom
was, the better to pull the wool over my eyes.--You were not sly enough
to catch me, my dear Raymond! it was because you had happened to see me
with a flower girl that you put on so many airs and hurled epigrams at
me; but I had a shrewd idea that your great swell was not worth my
humble Nicette.
My window looked on the boulevard, and, while I waited for my soup, I
opened the sash to enjoy the prospect. I was not _en partie fine_,
consequently had no desire for a subdued light. I observed that my
neighbor's blinds were not lowered, and my conclusion was strengthened
that Raymond's affairs had not progressed very far.
As I watched the passers-by, I saw a young man whom I knew stop in front
of our restaurant. It was the same Gerville who lived in our house, and
with whom Mademoiselle Agathe passed the memorable night when I offered
hospitality to Nicette. What was he doing there? He stopped and looked
this way and that, as if he were expecting or seeking someone.
The window in my neighbors' Good! perhaps the lady would come there for
a breath of air and I could see her face. But what was the matter? I
heard an exclamation, and the window was suddenly closed; something
extraordinary must have happened. In truth, I seemed to be becoming
almost as inquisitive as Raymond.
I walked away from the window; a warm discussion was in progress in the
next room. Faith! they could do what they chose! I proposed to dine, for
I was hungry. At that very moment the waitress appeared with my soup.
But what a racket! Raymond suddenly rushed out of his room and into
mine, pale, haggard, trembling, and in his haste jostled the servant and
caused her to spill my soup on the floor.
"Oh! mon Dieu! what a mess, monsieur!" exclaimed the girl, picking up
her tureen. "You have made me burn myself awfully--all that hot soup on
my foot! I know that I shall have big blisters there!"
"It's all right, my girl; I'll pay for your soup."
"And what about my apron, which is ruined, and my leg?"
"I'll pay you for everything!" Raymond replied, with no idea what he was
saying; and he pushed the girl out of the room and carefully closed the
door.
"Well, well! what in the devil's the matter with you, Monsieur Raymond?
you look as if you'd had a fright!"
"Ah! my dear friend, I have good reason to!--something has happened--a
circumstance--I am in a terrible plight. Wait till I look out of the
window; but first be good enough to draw the curtain so that he can't
see me."
"Are you going mad, neighbor?"
Raymond did not answer me; he went to the window and looked out, taking
care to conceal himself behind the curtain, and putting his head out
with the utmost precaution. I saw that he became paler than ever.
"He's there," he said at last.
"Who, pray?"
"Gerville."
"Oh, yes! so he is. But what difference does that make to you?"
"It makes a great difference to me. Don't you know that he is horribly
jealous and quite capable of going to terrible lengths?"
"What of it?"
"Understand that he's here on my account. I am sure that he is watching
for me; and he has some reason to, for I am with his mistress."
"What! can it possibly be Mademoiselle Agathe whom you chose to
transform into a lady with a carriage and livery of her own?"
"What would you have, my dear fellow? I did it in order to disguise her
better, to spare her reputation."
"Oh! so far as that goes, you may take my word that she has nothing to
fear. Ha! ha! ha! Monsieur Raymond, what you must have are cruel
creatures, women of a certain style!"
"You may jest about it later, my friend, but save me now, I implore you;
my only hope is in you to extricate me from the frightful position I am
in."
"For heaven's sake, explain yourself!"
"Gerville will come into this house, I am perfectly sure. Somebody must
have told him that I am here. Be obliging enough to take my place for a
moment, and give me yours in this room; I will leave my door open, he
will see that I am alone, and his suspicions will vanish."
"But why don't you lock yourself in with your inamorata? he won't break
down your door."
"He is quite capable of it! or else he would wait for me on the
boulevard; and if I should go out with Agathe, you can judge for
yourself what a scandalous scene there would be. Furthermore, we live in
the same house, you know; and if he has discovered anything, how shall I
ever dare to go home? He's just the man to lie in wait for me on the
stairs at night."
"Then why in the devil did you meddle with his mistress?"
"What can you expect? a moment of folly. It was that morning I waited
with her on our landing that it took me."
"Ah, yes! the morning you both played the spy on me."
"Oh! great God! he has come in!" cried Raymond, who had glanced out on
the boulevard; "save me, my friend--in pity's name! Go--I'll join you
later."
Giving me no time to reply, Raymond jammed my hat over my ears, dragged
and pushed me out of my private room, and locked himself in. I made no
resistance, and without any idea as yet as to what I proposed to do for
my neighbor, whose most distinctive quality courage certainly was not, I
entered the room where Agathe was. She uttered a cry of surprise when
she saw me.
"Mon Dieu! it's Eugène! Is it you? is it really you?"
"Why, to be sure it's I, sacrificing myself to save poor Raymond, who's
in such a fright that it will make him ill."
"Ha! ha! ha! I can't get over it!"
"Hush! he's in there; he can hear you laugh, and I fancy that he would
take it ill of you just at this moment."
"Really! what do I care for that? Ha! ha! ha! Do you think that I'm in
love with Raymond, I should like to know? Oh! he is much too stupid,
really! and he tries to play the Lovelace! I couldn't stand it any
longer! When I opened the window and saw Gerville on the boulevard, I
gave a shriek and stepped back into the room as quick as I could; for I
don't want Gerville to see me with Raymond. Not that he's jealous, but
he might not like it. Do you know what I did? It came into my head to
tell my old idiot that Gerville is fiendishly jealous, and that he had
been suspicious of him ever since he learned that we spent two hours
together on the landing, and that I was certain that he was on the
boulevard for the sole purpose of watching us. The more I said, the more
frightened my adorer became, for he has even more affection for his own
person than for mine. And when I added that Gerville was quite capable
of stabbing him,--ha! ha! the poor man took his hat, and is running
still, I fancy. Ha! ha! ha! but it's very kind of him to send me such an
agreeable companion. Meanwhile, I would like to know what has become of
Gerville; I think that he was just waiting for one of his friends."
"Hush! somebody is coming upstairs. Raymond is opening his door; let's
listen. Gerville is speaking."
We put our ears close to the door, which we very softly opened an inch
or two, and overheard the following conversation:
"Ah! it's neighbor Raymond."
"Himself, at your service. How are you?"
"Very well. How's this? are you dining alone in a private room?"
"Yes; I have something on my mind, some important business, and I was
glad not to be disturbed."
"In that case, I'll leave you. I am waiting for somebody who agreed to
meet me on the boulevard here; but he's late, and I am going to dine.
Good-day, neighbor; and a good appetite!"
"Your servant!"
Gerville closed the door of Raymond's room and went into another,
passing ours as he did so.
"Well, mademoiselle," I said to Agathe, "choose; to which of these
gentlemen will you give the preference?"
"Oh! I have a delicious idea!"
"Some crazy scheme, I'll be bound, for you think of no other kind."
"This will be unique. Help me, my dear Eugène, I beg you."
Without another word to me, Agathe began to stride up and down the room;
she pushed the chairs about, threw some of them down, and, amid the
uproar, cried out from time to time:
"Don't be angry with me, my friend! I assure you that you are mistaken.
I give you my word that I haven't seen Raymond; that I don't care for
him! Ask Dorsan; he invited me to dinner, because he was expecting a
lady."
I began to understand Agathe's plan; she proposed to make Raymond think
that Gerville was with us. To second her, I also made noise enough for
two, and attempted now and then to imitate Gerville's voice. We stopped
at last, tired out by our comedy; Agathe made me a sign which I
understood; I left the room, the door of which she locked behind me, and
stole on tiptoe into Raymond's, where I found him shivering and half
dead with terror in front of a beefsteak with potatoes. I locked the
door before approaching him, and put a finger to my lips; we had the
aspect of two conspirators. Raymond spoke so low at this time that I
could hardly hear him.
"He's in there," I said, pointing to the next room.
"Oh! I know it only too well; I heard him. But how did it happen?"
"We thought he had gone downstairs, and we opened our door; but he was
on the watch; he saw Agathe and came in. Then there was a terrible
scene, for he suspected that she came here with you; I'm not the one of
whom he is jealous."
"Parbleu! I know only too well that it's I. I saw plainly enough just
now that he didn't believe what I told him. He had doubts; perhaps he
saw us coming along the boulevard."
"That is quite possible; you are so infernally imprudent! When you
arrange such a party as this, you should take a cab, and enter the
restaurant by the rear door."
"That's so; you are right; we ought to have come in from behind! but I
promise you that I'll go out that way."
"He thought at first that I was in your confidence, that I was here
solely to help you. In fact, I am exposing myself to some risk in your
behalf."
"Ah! my dear Dorsan! never while I live shall I forget what I owe to
you!"
"However, things are beginning to calm down. Agathe has succeeded in
making him listen to reason; she told him that she came here for no
other purpose than to watch him; she's playing the jealous lover now."
"Oh! that's delicious! charming! these women always find a way out of
everything!"
"I should prefer to let them dine alone; but he won't listen to it. I
left the room on the pretext of ordering dinner."
"It's all ordered, my dear friend; and I shall take good care to pay for
it. I don't mean to put you to any expense, when you are sacrificing
yourself to help me."
"As you please; I'll give the word to the waitress, and we will dine."
"Go, my noble-hearted friend; tell her to be sure not to mention me."
"Never fear."
"I have but one fear now."
"What's that?"
"Just now, with the idea of giving Agathe a surprise, I amused myself,
while her back was turned, by slipping my picture into her reticule."
"Your picture?"
"Yes; I mean one of my silhouettes, you know, which I had pasted on a
pink card, with a border of little cupids. If Agathe should happen to
drop that when she takes out her handkerchief; or, not knowing what it
is, should take it into her head to look at it----"
"Peste! that would make a pretty row! Gerville would surely say then
that I was in collusion with you to deceive him."
"Try, my friend, try to prevent Agathe from blowing her nose!"
"I can't promise that, but I'll motion to her to blow it in her napkin;
that cannot compromise you."
"That's the very thing."
"Adieu! a longer absence might arouse suspicion."
Once more I left Raymond, who locked himself into his room. I returned
to Agathe. The waitress arrived with the dinner; she seemed surprised at
the change of cavalier, but two or three words in her ear and a
five-franc piece in her hand speedily retained her in our interest. She
promised to tell the stout gentleman that there were three in our party,
and thereupon she left us, overjoyed to be able to amuse herself at the
expense of the man who had upset a tureen of soup on her feet.
"Now, let us dine," said I, taking my seat at the table beside Agathe;
"no one can deny that we have earned it. I hardly expected to dine with
you, I admit."
"Nor I! but impromptu pleasures are always the best."
"A month ago we had already become reasonable and sedate in our
tête-à-têtes."
"I tell you, we did well to part; we are much better pleased to see each
other."
"Oh! I know that you are passionately fond of variety."
"No, my friend, not so much of variety as of forbidden fruit; and when I
think that Gerville is at our right, Raymond at our left, and that I
have succeeded in avoiding the necessity of eating in his company the
dinner he ordered--ha! ha! ha!"
"Don't laugh so loud!"
"Oh, yes! that will reassure him, don't you see? he will think that
Gerville's in good humor.--Ha! ha! ha! it will bring back his appetite."
Agathe was in the wildest spirits; she was compelled to hold her napkin
over her mouth to stifle her outbursts of merriment; the pleasure of
deceiving two men at once gave to her face an unfamiliar expression; she
had never been so pretty in my eyes, I confess. She teased me, pinched
me, caressed me, threw her arms about me. Ah! Mademoiselle Agathe, you
were a perfidious creature, but most seductive! Moreover, for several
days, I had been making love with my eyes alone, and I felt that it was
incumbent on me to make our mystification of Raymond complete.--Ah! my
poor neighbor! if you but knew what ardor Agathe showed in mystifying
you!
But we heard someone coming upstairs; it was our waitress. That young
woman had an abundance of tact and penetration; she turned the knob at
least thrice before she opened our door. She brought the first course. I
tasted the wine; it was Volnay, first quality. Gad! my neighbor was a
connoisseur!
"Oh! you'll have a fine dinner," laughed the girl; "the gentleman didn't
forget anything: champagne, dessert, and the _coup de milieu_!"
"Aha! so we're to have the _coup de milieu_!" said Agathe; "we musn't
forget that, my friend, do you hear?"
"Never fear.--By the way, my girl, did our neighbor question you?"
"Yes; I told him that madame was dining with two gentlemen; he seems a
little easier in his mind."
"That is good."
We did full justice to Raymond's dinner; it was dainty and toothsome. In
a quiet moment, I asked Agathe to tell me how it happened that she had
come there to dine in a private room with my neighbor, whom she did not
like at all.
"I did it to have a better chance to make fun of him," she replied.
"Ever since the day we waited on your landing to see your little flower
girl, Raymond has been pleased to make love to me. He pesters me with
his declarations and his billets-doux, which I receive just to show them
to the girls in the shop; and they make a lot of sport for us, for his
style's as ridiculous as his person. He had asked me twenty times for an
assignation, when I happened to meet him to-day near Porte Saint-Denis.
I was just going home; I had been to Gerville's, but didn't find him.
Raymond urged me, begged me, to dine with him at a restaurant. I refused
at first; but the temptation to make a fool of him, to laugh at his
expense, in short, to have some sport, led me to change my mind.
Besides, you know what a heedless creature I am. I didn't expect to meet
Gerville, for whom I care very little, however. So I accepted, and
allowed myself to be conducted to a private room by poor Raymond, who
believed that his triumph was assured, whereas I never had the slightest
intention of granting him any favors."
"Here's to his health!"
"With all my heart."
"Is this the _coup de milieu_?"
"One moment! how fast you go! we haven't got to it yet. This vol-au-vent
is delicious, and so is this filet sauté, with madeira and truffles."
"And this salmi of partridges, also with truffles. Ah! poor Raymond! do
you see his game? he ordered truffles in everything!"
The waitress arrived with the rum and the next course.
"Good Lord!" exclaimed Agathe; "truffles with champagne sauce! why,
he'll kill us with 'em! What is our neighbor eating?"
"Chicken, with rice, madame."
"Good! that's very nourishing; give him some prunes for dessert; they're
an emollient."
The girl left us. We enjoyed the truffles, the chicken, and the crabs,
whose claws Agathe wanted to send to Raymond. We did not forget the
_coup de milieu_; my companion thought a great deal of that, and so did
I. With his dinner _de bonne fortune_, that philandering Raymond had put
the devil into us; he evidently thought truffles a necessity in his
_parties fines_! But, by sending me to take his place with Agathe, he
had allotted me a terrific task!
"Avenge yourself," she kept saying to me, "avenge yourself, Eugène; you
know that Raymond is responsible for our having seen your little vestal
leave your rooms; you know, too, that he used to make remarks to the
people in the house when I came to see you; you know that by his
inquisitiveness and chattering he has made trouble between you and
several women. Avenge yourself; still avenge yourself!"
What terrible creatures women are when it is a question of vengeance!
Agathe still urged me, and yet my spleen was rapidly vanishing. Luckily,
the girl brought the dessert. Champagne, fromage à la vanille, biscuits
à la rose, gelée au marasquin, and Madame Amphoux's liqueur des Iles. I
was lost! Raymond was determined to have my life!
"I would like to know what he's doing now," said Agathe; "just go and
speak to him."
I left the room, and she held the door ajar to listen; I coughed gently
at Raymond's door, which he instantly opened.
"Well! how far have you got?" he asked.
"Oh! everything is going along nicely, very nicely! we are eating
dessert."
"And Gerville?"
"Oh! he's forgotten everything!"
"I was afraid that he would make a scene with Agathe. I thought I heard
groans and sighs."
"They were of repentance and love; and then, she still pretends to be
jealous; but I see plainly enough that she is thinking only of you."
"Oh! she adores me, my friend; I can't doubt that."
"Your dinner is delicious; you do things very well, Monsieur Raymond."
"Yes, yes; I ordered it for a purpose! I expected to partake of it with
her!"
"She knows that you ordered it, and she is just as much obliged to you.
I can see in her eyes that she doesn't eat a truffle without thinking of
you."
"Dear Agathe! But I hear laughter, it seems to me."
"Yes, that is she. She laughs with her lips, to deceive him; but the
fromage fouetté awaits me; adieu, my friend!"
"What! haven't you drunk the champagne yet!"
"Not yet."
"But you look rather heated."
"It's the _coup de milieu_ that gives me that appearance."
"Tell me, had I better go away before or after you?"
"Why, before--that would be the wiser way."
"I'll take a stroll in the garden of the Café Turc, in front of the
pavilion that bears a crescent."
"I can see it from here."
"If by any chance Gerville should leave you, or if he should take Agathe
away, join me there."
"Agreed."
"I will wait for you, then. Au revoir, my dear neighbor! I beg you to
excuse me for giving you so much trouble. What you are doing for me
to-day is an act of genuine friendship. I have but one further request
to make; keep an eye on my silhouette! motion to Agathe not to touch her
handbag. Do this for me, my friend."
"I have done it already."
"No matter; do it again, for my peace of mind."
"I will try; au revoir!"
I returned to Agathe, who laughed till the tears came. I had not as yet
thought of mentioning the silhouette to her; that was the bouquet for
dessert. My neighbor's profile was pasted on a pink card, and we saw two
lines written at the bottom. Poetry of Raymond's composition: that
should be a curiosity.
"My profile with these little Loves is surrounded,
Since I feel every day, love, for thee love unbounded."
Ingenious, in very truth! worthy of Berthellemot! But as we noticed that
one of the little Loves was standing on his nose, we concluded that it
should read "I smell," instead of "I feel." Agathe proposed at first to
stick my neighbor's likeness on the mirror in our dining room; but she
changed her mind. She put it carefully away, intending to have copies
made of it, which she proposed to enclose in amorous circulars composed
from Raymond's billets-doux, and to send them to all the milliner's
apprentices of her acquaintance, taking care to write at the bottom the
address of the original of the portrait.
The champagne finished what the stimulating dinner had begun; we were in
the mood to say and do all sorts of foolish things. Agathe stuffed
herself with sweetmeats and jelly; I drew the corks; the wine foamed and
sparkled, and soon passed from our glasses to our lips; we no longer
knew what we were saying, but we knew very well what we were doing!
Agathe threw aside all restraint; and if Raymond was listening, surely
he must have thought that we were fighting.
But the champagne, which effervesces when it is first poured out, will
not effervesce again unless it is well shaken, and in due time refuses
to effervesce at all. In like manner, readers, the volcanoes which have
displayed the greatest activity become extinct! In like manner, readers
of the gentler sex, those seductive fires which your lovely eyes emit,
and to which you owe so many conquests, will die away. Everything has
its day, alas! in nature; everything falls to ruin and decay; everything
dies. It is the universal law; for that we are born, and each step in
life is a step toward the grave; there is no possibility there of
arranging compromises.
"Death hath rigors unexampled;
Vainly pray we to her;
The cruel creature stuffs her ears
And lets us shout at will.
The poor man in his thatch-roofed cottage
Is subject to her laws;
The guard who stands at the Louvre gates
Protects not kings from her."
I cannot say how the champagne led me to this quotation; however, I am
sure that you will not take it ill of me; these lines are never
misplaced, and I would like, indeed, to have been the author of them.
We had become virtuous then, in action at all events. I looked at my
watch; almost eight o'clock! The deuce! and my rendezvous. The champagne
had not entirely deprived me of memory, but I confess that Agathe was
responsible for the loss of a large part of my zeal.
Raymond must have been on the watch at the Café Turc for a long while;
as for Gerville, we had seen him leave the house more than an hour
before; so that there was nothing to detain us. My companion donned her
bonnet and shawl and tried to assume a demure and modest air, which she
was unable to master, even by lowering her eyes. I did what I could to
maintain a grave demeanor and a steady gait; that infernal champagne
always did go to my head! However, we could safely show ourselves on
the boulevard; we were only a little giddy.
We left the Méridien, where Raymond had paid for everything. The hostess
and waitresses saluted us with smiling faces.
"Is there anything amusing in our looks?" I asked Agathe.
"No; but do you suppose that those people don't divine that we've been
making a fool of Raymond? Perhaps they think he's my husband."
"Oh! that would be rather too much!"
"Bah! such things have been seen."
"Here we are at the Café Turc; shall we go in?"
"What for?"
"To relieve Raymond, who's doing sentry duty there."
"Let him stay there; I've no desire to be bored any more with his love;
I have had enough of it. Everything has turned out as I wanted; but as
such adventures never happen twice, I assure you that he will never
inveigle me into a private dining room again."
"Poor Raymond! This _partie fine_ will have been very profitable to him,
won't it? But here's the Château d'Eau; someone is waiting for me here,
and I must leave you."
"What! already?"
"Our play is ended, my dear girl; we can be of no further assistance to
each other; let us not postpone our separation until ennui succeeds
pleasure, and the fumes of the champagne have entirely vanished; we
shall retain a pleasant memory of this meeting, at all events."
"Adieu, then, my dear Eugène! may we enjoy ourselves as much when we
next meet!"
Agathe went her way, and I started to make the circuit of the Château
d'Eau.