AT LAST HE SECURES A TREASURE.
I had to pawn my watch to get away from Chicago, for the police failed
to find my pretty widow. The thought of getting again under my mother's
wing was as welcome as my desire to get away from it had been eager. At
night my dreams were haunted by all sorts of horrible fire-works, where
old gentlemen sat down on powder-kegs, etc. Oh, for home! I knew there
were no widows in my native village, except Widow Green, and I was not
afraid of her. Well, I took the cars once more, and I had been riding
two days and a night, and was not over forty miles from my destination,
when the little incident occurred which proved to lead me into one of
the worst blunders of all. It's _awful_ to be a bashful young man!
Everybody takes advantage of you. You are the victim of practical
jokes--folks laugh if you do nothing on earth but enter a room. If you
happen to hit your foot against a stool, or trip over a rug, or call a
lady "sir," the girls giggle and the boys nudge each other, as if it
were extremely amusing. But to blow up a confiding Wall street
speculator, and to be swindled out of all your money by a pretty widow,
is enough to make a sensitive man a raving lunatic. I had all this to
think of as I was whirled along toward home. So absorbed was I in
melancholy reflection, that I did not notice what was going on until a
sudden shrill squawk close in my ear caused me to turn, when I found
that a very common-looking young woman, with a by no means interesting
infant of six months, had taken the vacant half of my seat. I was
annoyed. There were plenty of unoccupied seats in the car, and I saw no
reason why she should intrude upon my comfort. The infant shrieked
wildly when I looked at it; but its mother stopped its mouth with one of
those what-do-you-call-'ems that are stuck on the end of a flat bottle
containing sweetened milk, and, after sputtering and gurgling in a vain
attempt to keep on squalling, it subsided and went vigorously to work.
It seemed after a time to become more accustomed to my harmless visage,
and stared at me stolidly, with round, unwinking eyes, after it had
exhausted the contents of the bottle.
In about half an hour the train stopped at a certain station; the
conductor yelled out "ten minutes for refreshments," the eating-house
man rang a big bell, and the passengers, many of them, hurried out.
Then the freckle-faced woman leaned toward me.
"Are you goin' out?" said she.
"No," I replied, politely; "I am not far from home, and prefer waiting
for my lunch until I get there."
[Illustration: "WOULD YOU HOLD MY BABY WHILE I RUN IN AN' GET A CUP O'
TEA?"]
"Then," said she, very earnestly, "would you hold my baby while I run
in an' get a cup o' tea? Indeed, sir, I'm half famished, riding over
twenty-four hours, and only a biscuit or two in my bag, and I must get
some milk for baby's bottle or she'll starve."
It was impossible, under such circumstances, for one to refuse, though
I would have preferred to head a regiment going into battle, for
there were three young ladies, about six seats behind me, who were
eating their lunch in the car, and I knew they would laugh at me;
besides, the woman gave me no chance to decline, for she thrust the
wide-eyed terror into my awkward arms, and rushed quickly out to
obtain her cup of tea.
Did you ever see a bashful young man hold a strange baby? I expect I
furnished--I and the baby--a comic opera, music and all, for the
entertainment of the three girls, as they nibbled their cold chicken
and pound-cake. For the mother had not been gone over fifteen seconds
when that confounded young one began to cry. I sat her down on my knee
and trotted her. She screamed with indignation, and grew so purple in
the face I thought she was strangling, and I patted her on the back.
This liberty she resented by going into a sort of spasm, legs and arms
flying in every direction, worse than a wind-mill in a gale.
"This will never do," I thought; at the same time I was positive I
heard a suppressed giggle in my rear.
A happy thought occurred to me--infants were always tickled with
watches! But, alas I had pawned mine. However, I had a gold locket in
my pocket, with my picture in it, which I had bought in Chicago, to
present to the widow, and didn't present: this I drew forth and
dangled before the eyes of the little infernal threshing-machine.
The legs and arms quieted down; the fat hands grabbed the glittering
trinket. "Goo--goo--goo--goo," said the baby, and thrust the locket in
her mouth. I think she must have been going through the interesting
process of teething, for she made so many dents in the handsome face,
that it was rendered useless as a future gift to some fortunate girl,
while the way she slobbered over it was disgusting. I scarcely regretted
the ruin of the locket, I was so delighted to have her keep quiet; but,
alas! the little wretch soon dropped it and began howling like ten
thousand midnight cats. I trotted her again--I tossed her--I laid her
over my knees on her stomach--I said "Ssh--ssh--ssssh--sssssh!" all in
vain. Instead of ten minutes for refreshments it seemed to me that they
gave ten hours.
In desperation I raised her and hung her over my shoulder, rising at
the same time and walking up and down the aisle. The howling ceased:
but now the young ladies, after choking with suppressed laughter,
finally broke into a scream of delight. Something must be up! I took
the baby down and looked over my shoulder--the little rip had opened
her mouth and sent a stream of white, curdy milk down the back of my
new overcoat. For one instant the fate of that child hung in the
balance. I walked to the door, and made a movement to throw her to
the dogs; but humanity gained the day, and I refrained.
I felt that my face was redder than the baby's; every passenger
remaining in the car was smiling. I went calmly back, and laid her
down on the seat, while I took off my coat and made an attempt to
remove the odious matters with my handkerchief, which ended by my
throwing the coat over the back of the seat in disgust, resolving that
mother would have to finish the job with her "Renovator." My
handkerchief I threw out of the window.
Thank goodness! the engine bell was ringing at last and the people
crowding back into the train.
I drew a long breath of relief, snatched the shrieking infant up
again, for fear the mother would blame me for neglecting her ugly
brat--and waited.
"All aboard!" shouted the conductor; the bell ceased to ring, the
wheels began to revolve, the train was in motion.
"Great Jupiter Ammen!" I thought, while a cold sweat started out all
over me, "she will be left!"
The cars moved faster and more mercilessly fast; the conductor
appeared at the door; I rose and rushed toward him, the baby in my
arms, crying:
"For Heaven's sake, conductor, stop the cars!"
"What's up?" he asked.
"What's up? Stop the cars, I say! Back down to the station again!
_This baby's mother's left!_"
"Then she left on purpose," he answered coolly; "she never went into
the eating-house at all. I saw her making tall tracks for the train
that goes the other way. I thought it was all right. I didn't notice
she hadn't her baby with her. I'll telegraph at the next station;
that's all that can be done now."
This capped the climax of all my previous blunders! Why had I blindly
consented to care for that woman's progeny? Why? why? Here was I, John
Flutter, a young, innocent, unmarried man, approaching the home of my
childhood with an infant in my arms! The horror of my situation turned
me red and pale by turns as if I had apoplexy or heart disease.
There was always a crowd of young people down at the depot of our
village; what would they think to see me emerge from the cars carrying
that baby? Even the child seemed astonished, ceasing to cry, and
staring around upon the passengers as if in wonder and amazement at
our predicament. Yet not one of those heartless travelers seemed to
pity me; every mouth was stretched in a broad grin; not a woman came
forward and offered to relieve me of my burden; and thus, in the midst
of my embarrassment and horror, the train rolled up to the well-known
station, and I saw my father and mother, and half the boys and girls
of the village, crowding the platform and waiting to welcome my
arrival.