DADDY'S TEMPERANCE LECTURE.
Having slightly modified the spelling in Daddy's lecture, in order to
make it the more easily read, and at the same time to render it in his
own diction, we now place it, with the preliminary arrangments, "fur
tu be read silent," before the reader.
"Fust, haul out my specks.
Second, haul out my yeller silk hankercher.
Third, wipe them air specks.
Fourth, put them air specks on my nose.
Fifth, put that air yeller silk handkercher in my pocket.
Sixth, clar my throat.
Seventh, go at it loud.
I don't expect fur to say nothin new on the subject of temperance, but
it wont du fur tu say nothin cause you can't get up no new ideas. Now
supposen a neat housekeeper shouldn't hev nothin fur to say, tu a
parcel of careless heedless boys and gals, cause she must say the same
old thing over every day. Hezekiah clean yer feet. Matilda, hang up
yer shawl. Susan Maria put away yer gloves, what kind of a house du ye
think that air would be, all topsy turvey and kivered with dirt? If
them air children don't mind at fust, she keeps up that air kind of
talk from one year's end tu 'tother, and ginerally speaking they grow
up tu be orderly men and women.
Just so we've got to hammer and ding away at the temperance cause from
generation to generation, if we want our children tu be nice
temperate men. Never mind gitten up no new ideas: tech not, taste not,
handle not, is good enough for any age. Then agin, ken ye expect yer
boys fur tu be tidy when yer own feet are dirty and yer things out of
place over the hull house? Them are little shavers think it's big tu
du what daddy does and they are pretty nigh sartin fur to drink that
air nasty lager beer if daddy does. Hev a mat at yer door and keep yer
own feet clean, and hev Hezekiah and Matilda and Susan Maria put
theirn there, tu. That's the way fur tu du.
Some say, a little wine won't hurt a pussen; some say, lager beer
won't hurt a pussen; some say, cider won't hurt nobody: but I say, the
infarnel stuff which makes men drunk, no matter what name it goes by,
is the stuff fur to let alone. It's the infarnel stuff, that makes
holes in yer wallets and holes in yer breeches, and holes in yer
winders, and holes in yer wife's heart, and kivers yer children all
over with holes; and last of all opens a big hole in the ground fur
ye tu slide through inter the infarnel regions.
I hev had it thrown inter my face that Jesus Christ hisself, made wine
out of water, fur weddins, and the govenor of the feast said it was
the best they hed hed. I ain't no doubt of it nuther, jest fur two
reasons, fust, it was made of water, second, Jesus Christ hisself made
it, and ye may bet all yer new clothes, _He_ wouldn't hev done nothin
to hurt nobody, I wouldn't have been afeared myself, fur tu drink wine
made of water, by Jesus Christ. I reckon we don't get no such now
days. Like enough, one reason for his makin it was fur tu hender 'em
from gittin any more of the miserable intoxicating stuff. One thing is
sartin, if he was God, he wouldn't dispute hisself, and the Bible
expressly says, 'Look not upon the wine--fur in the end it biteth like
a sarpent and stingeth like an adder.'
I don't profess fur tu know much about scriptur, but a nice leetle gal
pinted that air varse out to me, and she pinted out another which
said, 'No drunkard ken enter the kingdom of heaven.' Howsoever, I
ain't no preacher, and like enough tham air black coats hev got up
some big idee that clars up the hull subject. My religion is tu do the
best we kin, and we needn't be shaky about the futur. I've been a
advocating that air doctrine this sixty years and folks ginerally
sarve me as two leetle boys did not long ago. They was a making a puny
leetle dog draw a heavy loaded sled, and I said to them are leetle
shavers, 'you'd better turn in and push the sled and help that air
tired weakly dog of yourn;' and when I looked back a few minutes
after, them air leetle rascals was both riding on top of the load, and
had their fingers at their noses a pintin at me.
What people want is fur to have their hearts teched deep, and I don't
know how fur tu du it. I could tell stories about what liquor has
done, that orter set every one of ye a snivellin powerful, but I
reckon you'd ruther hear something funny. Temperance lecturers is
generally expected fur tu tell funny stories jest as a farmer is
expected fur tu feed out his husks tu them air animals that loves fur
tu chaw husks. The grain goes futher when he fodders in that air way.
But I don't know nothin funny connected with the subject of drinking.
It is all kivered over with groans and sighs and tears and blood, and
ye'd shudder fur tu hear about it, and yer feelins may be would get tu
tossin and bilin like mad, but yer wouldn't _du_ nothin. My be in a
few minutes you'd treat me as them air boys did, and take a glass of
beer with yer neighbors, cause all that biling and tossin is on the
surface. It don't go deep enough fur tu make ye act.
T'other night a neighbor of mine was a walkin hum with me and we went
past the house of an old Scothman, who gits drunk every time he ken
git trusted, or treated or ken git change enough fur tu buy the
whiskey, and his wife ain't no better than he is. They hev two nice
leetle children, a boy and a gal, and them air unfeeling wretches,
hed, in a fit of drunken madness, actually shet their leetle boy and
gal out of doors that cold freezing night. The poor babies was half
naked, and they had curled powerful close together on the door step,
where the winds blowed around and gnawed away at their half froze
bodies, until the stout hearted boy cried with pain as he tuck off his
Scotch bonnet and put his sister's poor, little, red, frostbit feet
inter it. His own feet was bare, and their heads was bare, and in a
little while they might hev froze to death, hed we not passed that air
way. Wall, we stopped and tried fur tu make them air critters inside
open the door, but they hed locked up, and settled down inter a
drunken sleep, and the children begged us not fur tu disturb 'em for
them are children was afeared of being mauled tu death. They'd ruther
freeze than ventur in. So one of 'em I tuck and my neighbor tuck
t'other hum. He was a swearing away all the time at them air folks
making such beasts of themselves.
Now, what du yer think he did hisself the next day? He got so tight he
couldn't walk straight. I met him a going hum smellin like a whiskey
barrel and raising his feet powerful high. Says I, 'Neighbor G., I
wouldn't hev thought you would ever hev teched another mite of liquor
after what we see last night.' Says he, 'Mr. Roarer, I ken control my
appetite. I know jest when fur tu stop. I shall go hum and kiss my
wife and children and not drive 'em out of doors as Scotch Billy did.'
Says I, 'Thats just the way Scotch Billy talked five years ago.'
'Wall, wall,' says he, 'I ain't one of yer Scotch Billys; I know when
fur tu stop.'
But ye won't du it; ye'll cave under by and by. Them air kind that
brag that they know jest when fur tu stop is generally the very ones
that go under afore they know it, I thinked tu myself as he staggered
off.
If there is an old toper present, or a young toper, let 'em take the
warning of an old man who has been awatching the gradual down fall of
moderate drinkers for threescore years. I've seen 'em live, and I've
seen 'em die. _Die_ ain't no name fur the last struggle I've seen 'em
go through with. Jest picture tu yourself a grapery, stretchin miles
away, and in that air grapery is walkin men of every age and
condition, and all are a pluckin them are big purple grapes. Some eat
many, some, few; some grow red and portly, some grow pale and thin,
(them air pale ones take the longest strides and get to the end fust.)
They hev all been warned that that air fruit hes been pisened, and
some of them git a leetle frightened at seein the strange way it
effects companions, and they turn back, but the most on 'em go on,
plucking and eating, heedless of the cries of them without. O, they
know jest how many fur tu eat and not die. Their friends needn't
worry: they ken take care of theirselves.
'Mother,' says a youth, lookin through the lattices, with a glow upon
his cheek, 'I'm all right, don't bother about me. See Mr. Moderate
Drinker ahead there,--see how hale he looks--he'll live longer than
any of ye outside.' But afore long that air smart youth goes reeling
past Mr. Moderate Drinker, toward the end.--It is too late now--let
his mother cry to heaven and wring her hands and lie in the ashes upon
the hearth. It is all in vain.--'My boy, oh, my boy!' rings unheeded
in his ear. A mother's voice, a mother's tears, a mother's anguish,
what are they compared with the fruit, which he has lost the power to
resist, and which his companions are constantly urging upon him? But
look! He suddenly starts back pale and fearful. He has seen the
precipice and the black gulfs with open jaws jest afore him? No, ah
no, the heavy clusters and the interlaced vines hide that. But he
heard the despairing shriek of a feller traveller as he plunged in;
and for a moment he tremblingly questions, what is there?
Ah, there is no clusters, no leaves, no vines, between that spot and
his devoted mother's eye. She has long looked fearfully towards it,
and, just upon the verge, she sees him falter.
A faint hope springs up within her, and, with the courage of
desperation, she cries out in a voice that might pierce the skies,
'Turn, oh, my boy, turn, flee fur yer life--one step forward and ye
are lost!' Her last words are drowned in the jeers of his companions,
and his senses are deadened by the odors of the purple cluster just
ahead, and to reach it he takes the fatal step. Fur a moment he hangs
suspended over the abyss, clutchin the vines whose roots take hold on
hell, and as with bloodshot eyes and fearful shrieks, he tugs and
strains to regain his footin, a foul sarpent winds its way among the
leaves, and stealthily strikes his fangs inter the branch to which he
clings, and gnaws his last refuge.
That air is the way they die.
Now, can't nothin be done fur to keep folks out of that air grapery?
If the law would only put a door tu it, and shet it tight, I recken
there wouldn't be many that would git in thar. Some old topers that
hev got a strong hankerin after that pisen fruit, might crawl through
the lattices to get it. When the place is wide open and everything
looks temptin, and they see a crowd a going that air way, it is easy
fur tu foller, but when it's all shet up they turn away tu somethin
better, fur almost any thin is better than sech a place as I hev
described.
I know that a passel of big lawyers and judges say that we can't make
a effectual door cause there ain't no timber in the constitution fur
tu make it of and so some is fur putting up a rickety kind of a
barricade fur tu keep folks on Sundays and lection days, and some is
fur hevin a gate that them air sarpents inside will hev fur tu pay a
big pile of money fur tu get the privilege of openin. But I don't see
why on airth, if they ken git timber fur them air half way consarns,
they can't git it fur a hull door. If they can't, they hed better
graft, some law agin liquor sellin branches inter that air
constitutional tree, and hev them air infarnel roads to the infarnel
regions blocked up entirely.
Howsoever, while its open a single crack we must du the best we ken
fur tu keep the people out of the wrong track. Them air temperance
societies, and temperance pledges is mighty good, but there ain't
enough of 'em and they ain't active enough. Now, a nice, smart,
rosy-cheeked gal instead of passin round wine tu her little party of
friends, might pass a temperance pledge, and coax them air beaux of
hern inter puttin their names tu it, and give 'em a nice cup of coffee
fur tu top off with. There might be lots of them air kind of things
did, if folks only set themselves to work in earnest. Instead of
telling yer friends that it won't hurt'em, as I've heerd of some
infatuated pussons doin, tell 'em total abstinence won't hurt 'em, and
I'll ventur fur tu say they'll thank ye fur it, instead of cussin of
ye tu all eternity fur puttin the glass to their lips. That air
reminds me of another scriptur that that air little gal pinted out to
me, 'Woe tu him that putteth the glass to his neighbor's lips.' That
air is all the scriptur I ken quote correct 'tween Genesis and
Revelation. I larned it fur tu throw in the face of one of them black
coats, that hes invited me fur tu tend his church. Sez I tu him, 'If
ye'll preach from that air text I'll go.' Sez he, 'I preach the
gospel. I can't be givin my valooble time to politics and temperance
lecturs, but I'll read that air chapter to my congregation if ye'll
come.' Sez I, 'no-siree! I don't believe in no half way business.' Ye
see I had an inkling that he was afeered of that air rich hullsale
liquor dealer that tended his church. Them that retail the stuff is
generally looked down upon, but them air that is rich enough to shovel
it out by the hullsale is looked up tu on the principle, turn yer back
tu a poor devil, take off yer hat to a rich devil.
I never could think of anythin bad enough fur tu say about the
mischief them air liquor dealers du, and rather guess on that account
I'll hev fur tu leave 'em to the cuss which God Almighty hisself has
passed upon 'em. I hev no doubt but that air cuss has been echoed and
rechoed by millions upon millions of their victims. I would hate to
have all the cusses of the widows and orphans, and the wus than widows
and orphans that them air ginerations of vipers hev made, and bit.
But there is another pint which consarns every one of us. Hev we a
right to stand by silent and see these things did?
That air is a big question that some folks would like fur to dodge,
cause maybe if they took a active part agin drunkard makin, it might
interfere with their dollars, or with their friends or with their
interests in other ways. But ye can't dodge the question; its afore
ye, and there it shall stand until Gabriel blows his big horn, and
you'll hev fur tu answer it, tu the Almighty, hisself.
Don't the Bible say that every tub shall stand on its own bottom? I've
heerd it did, and I'm a thinkin that all of them air useless tubs that
stand out a sunning theirselves, will fall down and not hev any bottom
fur tu stand on when they are fur, and will only be fit fur firewood.
Fur my part I don't blame God Almighty fur pitchin folks inter the
infarnel regions when they won't du nothin fur tu keep things right in
this ere world, and some actually hender others from doing anything.
Now, supposen there was a big hole in the end of our street and a
passel of citizens should du all they could to keep that air hole open
fur people to fall inter, and you'd hear 'em hollerin out tu folks
that was a tryin to stop it up; 'Let that air hole alone, everybody
knows its there, if they don't want fur tu git inter it let em go
another way; there is plenty of streets;' wouldn't yer think them air
rascals ought to be singed to all etarnity? Well, what's the mighty
difference 'tween them air, and a passel of citizens that'll set by
and see their feller citizens go straight inter that air hole and say
nothin? I believe in men's minding their own business, and I hold its
a man's business to save a drownding feller critter if he ken.
I hev now come to my last pint. It is this. Shall we hev laws that
will save our nation from becoming a nation of drunkards, or shall we
not? Just picture to yourself a drunken president. We hev hed him.
Then picture a passel of drunken senators. We hev hed them, tu. Seems
zif the more big men ken circulate the devil's pisen, the better they
like it, and that air in my opinion is one reason why we can't get
laws tu shet down the making and selling of the infarnel stuff. Why,
keep that air kind of men in office, and figuratively speakin, the
fust we know, a pair of the president's breeches will be stuffed inter
a broken winder of that air White House. Fur if we keep a sendin men
tu Washington, that is friendly tu that air sarpent with many heads,
it will git so big that it will sartin bust every thing to flinters.
It's leetle young ones are a crawlin everywhere now. They lay coiled
on the hearth of the rich man and the poor man, and woe to the
infatuated pussen who gits inter their slimy folds. O, what wretched
slaves they do make of their victims. What tears, what anguish, what
poverty, what degradation du they bring them tu!
Shall we, the free born sons of America, consent fur tu be made
slaves, and lay among the pots? Shall we walk in rags and stagger in
fetters with the blood of the innercent on our hands? I say, shall
this big proud nation be made fur tu totter and tu reel like a
helpless baby a learnin fur tu walk? Shall that air many headed
sarpent rule us, or shall we rule it?
Haul out yer temperance pledges! Float the banner of total abstinence!
Wave high the flag of freedom; and fight long and fight well fur
freedom; from the intoxicatin cup!"