"I'd be most awfully obliged, Aunt Agatha," I said, "if you would not
use that word 'spine.' It awakens memories."
The door opened. Jeeves appeared.
"Sir?"
"Yes, Jeeves?"
"I thought you called, sir."
"No, Jeeves."
"Very good, sir."
There are moments when, even under the eye of Aunt Agatha, I can take
the firm line. And now, seeing Jeeves standing there with the light
of intelligence simply fizzing in every feature, I suddenly felt how
perfectly footling it was to give this preëminent source of balm and
comfort the go-by simply because Aunt Agatha had prejudices against
discussing family affairs with the staff. It might make her say "Gor!"
again, but I decided to do as we ought to have done right from the
start--put the case in his hands.
"Jeeves," I said, "this matter of Uncle George."
"Yes, sir."
"You know the circs."
"Yes, sir."
"You know what we want."
"Yes, sir."
"Then advise us. And make it snappy. Think on your feet."
I heard Aunt Agatha rumble like a volcano just before it starts to set
about the neighbours, but I did not wilt. I had seen the sparkle in
Jeeves's eye which indicated that an idea was on the way.
"I understand that you have been visiting the young person's home, sir?"
"Just got back."
"Then you no doubt encountered the young person's aunt?"
"Jeeves, I encountered nothing else but."
"Then the suggestion which I am about to make will, I feel sure, appeal
to you, sir. I would recommend that you confronted his lordship with
this woman. It has always been her intention to continue residing
with her niece after the latter's marriage. Should he meet her, this
reflection might give his lordship pause. As you are aware, sir, she
is a kind-hearted woman, but definitely of the people."
"Jeeves, you are right! Apart from anything else, that orange hair!"
"Exactly, sir."
"Not to mention the magenta dress."
"Precisely, sir."
"I'll ask her to lunch to-morrow, to meet him. You see," I said to Aunt
Agatha, who was still fermenting in the background, "a ripe suggestion
first crack out of the box. Did I or did I not tell you----"
"That will do, Jeeves," said Aunt Agatha.
"Very good, madam."
For some minutes after he had gone Aunt Agatha strayed from the point
a bit, confining her remarks to what she thought of a Wooster who
could lower the prestige of the clan by allowing menials to get above
themselves. Then she returned to what you might call the "main issue."
"Bertie," she said, "you will go and see this girl again to-morrow, and
this time you will do as I told you."
"But, dash it! With this excellent alternative scheme, based firmly on
the psychology of the individual----"
"That is quite enough, Bertie. You heard what I said. I am going.
Good-bye."
She buzzed off, little knowing of what stuff Bertram Wooster was made.
The door had hardly closed before I was shouting for Jeeves.
"Jeeves," I said, "the recent aunt will have none of your excellent
alternative scheme, but none the less I propose to go through with it
unswervingly. I consider it a ball of fire. Can you get hold of this
female and bring her here for lunch to-morrow?"
"Yes, sir."
"Good. Meanwhile, I will be phoning Uncle George. We will do Aunt
Agatha good despite herself. What is it the poet says, Jeeves?"
"The poet Burns, sir?"
"Not the poet Burns. Some other poet. About doing good by stealth."
"These little acts of unremembered kindness, sir?"
"That's it in a nutshell, Jeeves."
* * * * *
I suppose "doing good by stealth" ought to give one a glow, but I can't
say I found myself exactly looking forward to the binge in prospect.
Uncle George by himself is a mouldy enough luncheon companion,
being extremely apt to collar the conversation and confine it to a
description of his symptoms, he being one of those birds who can never
be brought to believe that the general public isn't agog to hear
about the lining of his stomach. Add the aunt, and you have a little
gathering which might well dismay the stoutest. The moment I woke I
felt conscious of some impending doom, and the cloud, if you know what
I mean, grew darker all the morning. By the time Jeeves came in with
the cocktails I was feeling pretty low.
"For two pins, Jeeves," I said, "I would turn the whole thing up and
leg it to the Drones'."
"I can readily imagine that this will prove something of an ordeal,
sir."
"How did you get to know these people, Jeeves?"
"It was through a young fellow of my acquaintance, sir, Colonel
Mainwaring-Smith's personal gentleman's gentleman. He and the young
person had an understanding at the time, and he desired me to accompany
him to Wistaria Lodge and meet her."
"They were engaged?"
"Not precisely engaged, sir. An understanding."
"What did they quarrel about?"
"They did not quarrel, sir. When his lordship began to pay his
addresses the young person, naturally flattered, began to waver between
love and ambition. But even now she has not formally rescinded the
understanding."
"Then, if your scheme works and Uncle George edges out, it will do your
pal a bit of good?"
"Yes, sir, Smethurst--his name is Smethurst--would consider it a
consummation devoutly to be wished."
An unseen hand without tootled on the bell, and I braced myself to play
the host. The binge was on.
"Mrs. Wilberforce, sir," announced Jeeves.
"And how I'm to keep a straight face with you standing behind my chair
and saying 'Madam, can I tempt you with a potato?' is more than I
know," said the aunt, sailing in, looking larger and pinker and matier
than ever. "I know him, you know," she said, jerking a thumb after
Jeeves. "He's been round and taken tea with us."
"So he told me."
She gave the sitting room the once-over.
"You've got a nice place here," she said, "though I like more pink
about. It's so cheerful. What's that you've got there? Cocktails?"
"Martini with a spot of absinthe," I said, beginning to pour.
She gave a girlish squeal.
"Don't you try to make me drink that stuff! Do you know what would
happen if I touched one of those things? I'd be racked with pain. What
they do to the lining of your stomach!"
"Oh, I don't know."
"I do. If you had been a barmaid as long as I was you'd know, too."
"Oh--er--were you a barmaid?"
"For years, when I was younger than I am. At the Criterion."