"No, it's not."
"I can't see why. Surely a smug, oily Thos. about the house is better
than a Thos. raging hither and thither and being a menace to society?
Stands to reason."
"It doesn't stand to anything of the kind. You see, Bertie, this Good
Conduct prize has made things a bit complex. There are wheels within
wheels. The thing stirred Jane Snettisham's sporting blood to such an
extent that she insisted on having a bet with me on the result."
A great light shone upon me. I got what she was driving at.
"Ah!" I said. "Now I follow. Now I see. Now I comprehend. She's betting
on Thos., is she?"
"Yes. And naturally, knowing him, I thought the thing was in the bag."
"Of course."
"I couldn't see myself losing. Heaven knows I have no illusions about
my darling Bonzo. Bonzo is, and has been from birth, a pest. But to bet
that he would nose out Thomas in a Good Conduct contest seemed to me
simply money for jam."
"Absolutely."
"When it comes to devilry, Bonzo is just a good, ordinary selling
plater, whereas Thomas is a classic yearling."
"Exactly. I don't see that you have any cause to worry. Thos. can't
last. He's bound to crack."
"Yes. But before that the mischief may be done."
"Mischief?"
"Yes. There is dirty work afoot, Bertie," said Aunt Dahlia gravely.
"When I booked this bet I reckoned without the hideous blackness of
the Snettisham soul. Only yesterday it came to my knowledge that Jack
Snettisham had been urging Bonzo to climb on the roof and boo down Mr.
Anstruther's chimney."
"No!"
"Yes. Mr. Anstruther is very frail, poor old fellow, and it would have
frightened him into a fit. On coming out of which, his first action
would have been to disqualify Bonzo and declare Thomas the winner by
default."
"But Bonzo did not boo?"
"No," said Aunt Dahlia, and a mother's pride rang in her voice. "He
firmly refused to boo. Mercifully, he is in love at the moment, and it
has quite altered his nature. He scorned the tempter."
"In love? With whom?"
"Lillian Gish. We had an old film of hers at the Bijou Dream in the
village a week ago, and Bonzo saw her for the first time. He came out
with a pale, set face, and ever since has been trying to lead a finer,
better life. So the peril was averted."
"That's good."
"Yes. But now it's my turn. You don't suppose I am going to take a
thing like that lying down, do you? Treat me right, and I am fairness
itself; but if there is going to be any of this nobbling of starters
they'll jolly well find I can play that game, too.
"If this Good Conduct contest is to be run on rough lines I can do
my bit as well as anyone. Far too much hangs on the issue for me to
handicap myself by remembering the lessons I learned at my mother's
knee."
"Lot of money involved?"
"Much more than mere money. I've bet Anatole against Jane Snettisham's
kitchenmaid."
"Great Scott! Uncle Thomas will have something to say if he comes back
and finds Anatole gone."
"And won't he say it!"
"Pretty long odds. I mean, Anatole is famed far and wide as a
hash-slinger without peer."
"Well, Jane Snettisham's kitchenmaid is not to be sneezed at. She is
very hot stuff, they tell me, and good kitchenmaids nowadays are about
as rare as original Holbeins. Besides, I had to give her a shade the
better of the odds. She stood out for it.
"Well, anyway, to get back to what I was saying, if the opposition are
going to place temptations in Bonzo's path, they shall jolly well be
placed in Thomas's path, too, and plenty of them. So ring for Jeeves
and let him get his brain working."
"But I haven't brought Jeeves."
"You haven't brought Jeeves?"
"No. He always takes his holiday at this time of year. He's down at
Bognor for the shrimping."
Aunt Dahlia registered deep concern. "Then send for him at once! What
earthly use do you suppose you are without Jeeves, you poor ditherer?"
I drew myself up a trifle--in fact, if I recollect rightly, to my full
height. Nobody has a greater respect for Jeeves than I have, but the
Wooster pride was stung.
"Jeeves isn't the only one with brains," I said coolly. "Leave this
thing to me, Aunt Dahlia. By dinner time to-night I shall hope to
have a fully matured scheme to submit for your approval. If I can't
thoroughly encompass this Thos., I'll eat my hat."
"About all you'll get to eat if Anatole leaves," said Aunt Dahlia, in
a manner which I did not like to see.
I was brooding pretty tensely as I left the presence. I have always
had a suspicion that Aunt Dahlia, while invariably matey and bonhomous
and seeming to take pleasure in my society, has a lower opinion of my
intelligence than I quite like. Too often it is her practice to address
me as fathead, and if I put forward any little thought or idea or
fancy in her hearing it is apt to be greeted with the affectionate but
jarring guffaw.
In our interview she had hinted quite plainly that she considered
me negligible in a crisis which, like the present one, called for
initiative and resource. It was my intention to show her how greatly
she had under-estimated me.
To let you see the sort of fellow I really am, I got a ripe, excellent
idea before I had gone halfway down the corridor. I examined it for
the space of one and a half cigarettes, and could see no flaw in
it, provided--I say, provided old Mr. Anstruther's notion of what
constituted bad conduct squared with mine.
The great thing on these occasions, as Jeeves will tell you, is to get
a toe hold on the psychology of the individual. Study the individual,
and you will bring home the bacon.
Now, I had been studying young Thos. for years, and I knew his
psychology from caviar to nuts. He is one of those kids who never let
the sun go down on their wrath, if you know what I mean. I mean to say,
do something to annoy or offend or upset this juvenile thug and he will
proceed at the earliest possible opp. to wreak a hideous vengeance upon
you.
Only the previous summer, for instance, it having been drawn to his
attention that the man had reported him for smoking, he had marooned
a cabinet minister on an island in the lake at Aunt Agatha's place in
Hertfordshire--in the rain, mark you, and with no company but that of
one of the nastiest-minded swans I have ever encountered. Well, I mean!
So now it seemed to me that a few well-chosen taunts, or gibes,
directed at his more sensitive points, must infallibly induce in this
Thos. a frame of mind which would lead to his working sensational
violence upon me. And if you wonder some that I was willing to
sacrifice myself to this frightful extent in order to do Aunt Dahlia a
bit of good, I can only say that we Woosters are like that.
The one point that seemed to me to want a spot of clearing up was
this--viz.: Would old Mr. Anstruther consider an outrage perpetrated on
the person of Bertram Wooster a crime sufficiently black to cause him
to rule Thos. out of the race? Or would he just give a senile chuckle
and mumble something about boys being boys? Because, if the latter, the
thing was off. I decided to have a word with the old boy to make sure.
He was still in the smoking room, looking very frail over the morning's
_Times_. I got to the point at once.
"What ho, Mr. Anstruther!" I said.
"I don't like the way the American market is shaping," he said. "I
don't like this strong bear movement."
"No?" I said. "Well, be that as it may, about this Good Conduct prize
of yours."
"Ah, yes?"
"I don't quite understand how you are doing the judging."
"No? It is very simple. I have a system of daily marks. At the
beginning of each day I accord the two lads twenty marks apiece.
These are subjected to withdrawal either in small or large quantities
according to the magnitude of the offense. To take a simple example,
shouting outside my bedroom in the early morning would involve a loss
of three marks; whistling two. The penalty for a more serious lapse
would be correspondingly greater. Before retiring to rest at night
I record the day's marks in my little book. Simple, but, I think,
ingenious, Mr. Wooster?"
"Absolutely."
"So far the result has been extremely gratifying. Neither of the little
fellows has lost a single mark."
"I see," I said. "Great work. And how do you react to what I might call
general moral turpitude?"
"I beg your pardon?"
"Well, I mean when the thing doesn't affect you personally. Suppose
one of them did something to me, for instance--set a booby trap or
something? Or, shall we say, put a toad in my bed?"
He seemed shocked at the very idea. "I would certainly in such
circumstances deprive the culprit of a full ten marks."
"Only ten?"
"Fifteen, then."
"Twenty is a nice round number."
"Well, possibly even twenty. I have a peculiar horror of practical
joking."
"Me, too."
"You will not fail to advise me, Mr. Wooster, should such an outrage
occur?"
"You shall have the news before anyone," I assured him.
And so out into the garden, ranging to and fro in quest of young Thos.
I knew where I was now. Bertram's feet were on solid ground.