And in between, me. Yes, dash it, Bertram Wooster in person. A
reproduction of the Pendlebury portrait, perfect in every detail.
Of all the absolutely foul sights I have ever seen, this took the
biscuit with ridiculous ease. The thing was a bally libel on the
Wooster face, and yet it was as unmistakable as if it had had my name
under it.
I saw now what Jeeves had meant when he said that the portrait had
given me a hungry look. In the poster this look had become one of
bestial greed.
There I sat, absolutely slavering through a monocle about six inches in
circumference at a plateful of soup, looking as if I hadn't had a meal
for weeks. The thing seemed to take one into a different and a dreadful
world.
I awoke from a species of trance or coma to find myself at the door of
my flat. To buzz upstairs and charge into the home was the work of a
moment.
Jeeves came shimmering down the hall, the respectful beam of welcome on
the face. "I am glad to see you back, sir."
"Never mind about that," I yipped. "What about----?"
"The posters, sir? I was wondering if you might have observed them."
"I observed them!"
"Striking, sir?"
"Very striking. Now, perhaps you'll kindly explain."
"You instructed me, if you recollect, sir, to spare no effort to
mollify Mr. Slingsby."
"Yes, but----"
"It proved a somewhat difficult task, sir. For some time Mr. Slingsby,
on the advice and owing to the persuasion of Mrs. Slingsby, appeared
to be resolved to institute an action in law against you--a procedure
which I knew you would find most distasteful."
"Yes, but----"
"And then, the first day he was able to leave his bed, he observed
the portrait, and it seemed to me judicious to point out to him its
possibilities as an advertising medium. He readily fell in with the
suggestion and on my assurance that, should he abandon the projected
action in law, you would willingly permit the use of the portrait, he
entered into negotiations with Miss Pendlebury for the purchase of the
copyright."
"Oh? Well, I hope she got something out of it, at any rate?"
"Yes, sir. Mr. Pim, acting as Miss Pendlebury's agent, drove, I
understand, an extremely satisfactory bargain."
"He acted as her agent, eh?"
"Yes, sir. In his capacity as fiancé to the young lady, sir."
"Fiancé!"
"Yes, sir."
It shows how the sight of that poster had got into my ribs when I state
that instead of being laid out cold by this announcement I merely
said, "Ha!" or "Ho!" or it may have been "H'm." After the poster,
nothing seemed to matter.
"After that poster, Jeeves," I said, "nothing seems to matter."
"No, sir?"
"No, Jeeves. A woman has tossed my heart lightly away, but what of it?"
"Exactly, sir."
"The voice of Love seemed to call to me, but it was a wrong number. Is
that going to crush me?"
"No, sir."
"No, Jeeves. It is not. But what does matter is this ghastly business
of my face being spread from end to end of the metropolis with the eyes
fixed on a plate of Slingsby's Superb Soup. I must leave London. The
lads at the Drones' will kid me without ceasing."
"Yes, sir. And Mrs. Spenser Gregson----"
I paled visibly. I hadn't thought of Aunt Agatha and what she might say
about letting down the family prestige.
"You don't mean she has been ringing up?"
"Several times daily, sir."
"Jeeves, flight is the only recourse. Back to Paris, what?"
"I should not recommend the move, sir. The posters are, I understand,
shortly to appear in that city also. Advertising the Bouillon Suprême.
Mr. Slingsby's products command a large sale in France. The sight would
be painful for you, sir."
"Then where?"
"If I might make a suggestion, sir, why not adhere to your original
intention of cruising in Mrs. Travers's yacht in the Mediterranean? On
the yacht you would be free from the annoyance of these advertising
displays."
The man seemed to me to be drivelling. "But the yacht started weeks
ago. It may be anywhere by now."
"No, sir. The cruise was postponed for a month owing to the illness of
Mrs. Travers's chef, Anatole, who contracted influenza. Mrs. Travers
refused to sail without him."
"You mean they haven't started?"
"Not yet, sir. The yacht sails from Southampton on Tuesday next."
"Why, dash it, nothing could be sweeter."
"No, sir."
"Ring up Aunt Dahlia and tell her we'll be there."
"I ventured to take the liberty of doing that before you arrived, sir."
"You did?"
"Yes, sir. I thought it probable that the plan would appeal to you."
"It does! I've wished all along I was going on that cruise."
"I, too, sir. It should be extremely pleasant."
"The tang of the salt breezes, Jeeves!"
"Yes, sir."
"The moonlight on the water!"
"Precisely, sir."
"The gentle heaving of the waves!"
"Exactly, sir."
I felt absolutely in the pink. Gwladys--pah! The posters--bah! That was
the way I looked at it.
"Yo-ho-ho, Jeeves!" I said.
"Yes, sir."
"In fact, I will go further. Yo-ho-ho, and a bottle of rum!"
"Very good, sir. I will bring it immediately."