Gee whiz, we reminded ourselves of General Pershing coming home. Just
before we drove into the parade ground, a little fellow about as big as
Pee-wee came running up and called to us. He was all excited. He
shouted, “We read your signal; we saw it way up on the mountain. People
said it was just the woods on fire but we knew what it meant; we read
it. We’ve got a signaler in our patrol. But Major Grumpy said it was
just the woods on fire.”
Harry shouted down to him, “Climb up on the band wagon and be quick
about it if you want to be in at the finish. Where’s the rest of your
bunch?”
Pee-wee said, “_Troop, not bunch_; don’t you know anything about the
scouts?”
Harry said, “Excuse me, I mean gang.”
That kid said that most of them were peeking through the fence of the
parade grounds, because they had been chased out. He said one of them
went in to tell Major Grumpy about the smudge message and that he had
been chased out again. He said they had dandy ice cream cones in there;
he said the ice cream went way down into the point. Oh, boy, that’s the
kind I like. He said that one of them had enough ice cream in it for two
fellows; gee, I’ve never seen any like that. But I’ve seen fellows that
have room enough for two cones.
Poor little kid, he didn’t have any scout suit or anything—only just a
scout hat.
Harry said, awful nice and friendly sort of, he said, “Well, you just
climb up here. So you read that message, hey? Well, you and your outfit
are all right, Kiddo.”
“Not outfit!” Pee-wee yelled.
Harry said, “Excuse me, I mean sewing circle.”
I guess that kid thought Harry was crazy; anyway we don’t need anybody
to tell us we’re crazy, because we admit it.
That kid said, “Have you got tickets to get into the grounds?”
“Tickets?” Harry said. “What do we want tickets for when we’re going to
roll up the parade ground and take it home with us. Who are you for? The
Grand Army or the Boy Scouts? We don’t want any hyphens here.”
Poor little kid, he looked more like a period than a hyphen. He was kind
of scared of Harry, I guess.
Harry said, “We’ve got six scouts, about a dozen veterans, two
bloodhounds, nine actors and one scarecrow. Do you think we’re afraid?”
“Surrender! That’s what we’re here for,” Rossie said.
“Surrender with indemnity,” Harry said.
Poor little kid, he looked all around from one of us to another and then
kept staring at Brent. I guess he didn’t know what to make of him. Maybe
he thought Brent was a camouflaged cannon, hey?
When we got to the parade ground there were autos and wagons standing
around and lots of people going in. There was a sign up that said there
wouldn’t be any show on account of the railroad strike. And there were
about a half a dozen poor little codgers peeking in through cracks in
the fence; honest it made me feel sorry just to see them. Two or three
of them had on scout hats, but most of them only had scout badges.
Gee whiz, Harry Domicile didn’t care about anybody; all the people, even
the doorkeepers, began staring at us but he should worry. He shouted to
those kids, “Fall in line, you; reenforcements are here! Two companies
of war-worn veterans, one Uncle Tom’s Cabin troupe, two bloodhounds, six
boy scouts, and a scarecrow! Climb aboard. On to victory!”
“And a popcorn bar!” Pee-wee shouted. Jiminies, already he had bought
one of those sticky things and he was all gummed up like a piece of
fly-paper. He had to hold one of his hands out flat with the fingers all
apart, it was so sticky. “We’ll take all the lemonade booths and candy
counters and everything!” he shouted. “We’ll show no mercy, hey?”
I said, “Shut up, you Hun! Already that popcorn bar looks like Rheims
Cathedral.”
He shouted, “I’ve got a chocolate stick, too, and I’m going to devastate
that!”
Talk about frightfulness!
I guess those poor little kids thought we were crazy. Brent stood up on
the seat of his car and made gestures so as his long sleeves flopped
every which way. He shouted, “Every new recruit report to the commissary
general and receive six rounds of peanuts and three rounds of licorice
jaw-breakers. Step up!”
Oh, boy, you should have seen those veterans laugh; they just
chuckled—you know the way old men do. One of them said he had fought at
Gettysburg but that he had never seen anything like this before; oh,
boy, didn’t he chuckle!
I don’t know when Brent got them, but anyway, he had the pockets of that
crazy old coat full of bags of peanuts, and he handed them around to all
those little fellows. He made those kids stay in his car, too. They all
started eating peanuts, but just the same they looked sort of scared, as
if they didn’t know what was going to happen.
Harry climbed up on top of the van and began shouting to all of us who
were in the touring cars; gee, but those cars were crowded. About a
hundred people were crowding around us too, just staring and laughing;
you couldn’t blame them. But what made me laugh most of all was to see
those veterans—_good night!_ Even when they were getting wounded in the
Civil War, I bet they didn’t have nearly as much fun.
XXXIII—MOBILIZING
This is the speech that Harry made to his troops, because my sister made
him write it out for me, because she said it would go down in history.
Brent Gaylong said he hoped if it went down it would never come up
again. Last term I passed seventy-two in history, but, gee, I hate
dates—I don’t mean the kind you eat.
This is the speech that Harry made. He said:
My brave soldiers:
Lieutenant Harris will please take the candy out of his mouth
and listen.
“I don’t listen with my mouth,” Pee-wee shouted.
“Well then, close it,” I told him, “and listen to your superior
officer.”
Harry said:
We are outside the Parade Ground of Grumpy’s Cross-roads. We are
here to demand an unconditional surrender. A courier will go
within under the protection of a white flag.
“I’ll go, I’ve got some popcorn; that’s white,” Pee-wee yelled.
If Major Grumpy refuses our terms, then we will storm his
stronghold with every peanut that we hold. We shall demand
indemnity.
“Demand the territory where the lemonade counter is,” Pee-wee shouted.
Then everybody began hooting and yelling, and Brent stood up in those
crazy old rags and began flapping his sleeves to keep us quiet and the
old veterans shook—kind of like a Ford car.
Then Harry read us a note that he said should be delivered to Major
Grumpy in person.
“I’ll deliver it,” Pee-wee shouted; “I want to get a frankfurter,
anyway.”
This was the note:
Major Grumpy, Commanding Officer,
Veterans’ Reunion:
You are hereby informed that the allied forces, consisting of
Boy Scouts, Civil War Veterans, scarecrows, and scout
reinforcements from your own town, offer you the choice of
unconditional surrender or complete extinction. As hostages we
hold Uncle Tom’s Cabin troupe scheduled to appear at your
reunion. Ten minutes will be given for an answer. We shall
advance against your stronghold immediately.
One of the veterans said it would be better to say, “I purpose to move
immediately against your works,” because those were the very same words
that General Grant used. So Harry put it that way.
Then he said, “Let us have peace,” because that was what General Grant
said, too. Pee-wee thought he said, “Let’s have a piece,” so he chucked
a licorice jaw-breaker up and it struck Harry, kerplunk, on the face.
That was the beginning of hostilities.
Pee-wee fired the first shot.