Hast slept well, Paul, and hath sleep refreshed thee and given thee
strength to pursue thy journey? Paul answered that he was very weary,
but however weary must struggle on to Cæsarea. Thy strength wilt not
suffer thee to get farther than Bethennabrio, and to reach Bethennabrio
I must make thy sandals comfortable, Jesus answered, and on these words
he knelt and succeeded in arranging the thongs so that Paul walked
without pain.
They walked without speaking, Paul afraid lest some chance word of his
might awaken Jesus' madness, and Jesus forgetful of Paul, his mind now
set on Jerusalem, whither he was going as soon as Paul was safely out of
the way of the Jews. Each shut himself within the circle of his own
mind, and the silence was not broken till Paul began to fear that Jesus
was plotting against him, and to distract Jesus' mind from his plots, if
he were weaving any, he ventured to compare the country they were
passing through with Galilee, and forthwith Jesus began to talk to Paul
of Peter and John and James, sons of Zebedee, mentioning their
appearances, voices, manner of speech, relating their boats, their
fishing tackle, the fish-salting factory at Magdala, Dan, and Joseph his
son. He spoke volubly, genially, a winning relation it was of the
fishing life round the lake, without mention of miracles, for it was not
to his purpose to convince Paul of any spiritual power he may have
enjoyed, but rather of his own simple humanity. And Paul listened to all
his narratives complacently, still believing his guide to be a madman.
If thou hadst not run away crying, he is mad, he is mad! thou wouldst
have heard how my crucifixion was brought about; how my eyes opened in
the tomb and---- Interrupting Jesus, Paul hastened to assure him that if
he cried out, he is mad, he is mad, he had spoken the words unwittingly,
they were put into his mouth by the sickness in which Jesus had
discovered him. And the sickness, he admitted, might have been brought
about by the shock of hearing thee speak of thyself as the Messiah. But,
Paul, I did not speak of myself as the Messiah, but as an Essene who
during some frenzied months believed himself to be the Messiah. But,
shepherd, Paul answered, the Messiah promised to the Jews was Jesus of
Nazareth, who was raised by his Father from the dead, and thou sayest
that thou art the same. If thou didst once believe thyself to be the
Messiah thou hast repented thy blasphemy. Let us talk no more about the
Messiah. In the desert these twenty years, Jesus answered. But not till
now did I know my folly had borne fruit. Nor do I know now if Joseph
knew that a story had been set going. It may be that the story was not
set going till after his death. Now it seems too late to go into the
field thou hast sown with tares instead of corn. To which Paul answered:
it is my knowledge of thy seclusion among rocks that prompts me to
listen to thee. The field I have sown like every other field has some
tares in it, but it is full of corn ripening fast which will be ready
for the reaping when it shall please the Lord to descend with his own
son, Jesus of Nazareth, from the skies. As soon as the words Jesus of
Nazareth had left his lips Paul regretted them, for he did not doubt
that he was speaking to a madman whose name, no doubt, was Jesus, and
who had come from Nazareth, and having got some inkling of the true
story of the resurrection had little by little conceived himself to be
he who had died that all might be saved; and upon a sudden resolve not
to utter another word that might offend the madman's beliefs, he began
to tell that he had brought hope to the beggar, the outcast, to the
slave; though this world was but a den of misery to them, another world
was coming to which they might look forward in full surety; and many, he
said, that led vile lives are now God-fearing men and women who, when
the daily work is done, go forth in the evening to beseech the multitude
to give some time to God.
In every field there are tares, but there are fewer in my field than in
any other, and that I hold to be the truth; and seeing that Jesus was
listening to his story he began to relate his theology, perplexing Jesus
with his doctrines, but interesting him with the glad tidings that the
burden of the law had been lifted from all. If he had stopped there all
would have been well, so it seemed to Jesus, whose present mind was not
able to grasp why a miracle should be necessary to prove to men that the
love of God was in the heart rather than in observances, and the miracle
that Paul continued to relate with so much unction seemed to him so
crude; yet he once believed that God was pleased to send his only
begotten son to redeem the world by his death on a cross. A strange
conception truly. And while he was thinking these things Paul fell to
telling his dogma concerning predestination, and he was anxious that
Jesus should digest his reply to Mathias, who had said that
predestination conflicted with the doctrine of salvation for all. But
Jesus, who was of Mathias' opinion, refrained from expressing himself
definitely on the point, preferring to forget Paul, so that he might
better consider if he would be able to make plain to Paul that miracles
bring no real knowledge of God to man, and that our conscience is the
source of our knowledge of God and that perhaps a providence nourishes
beyond the world.
Meanwhile Paul continued his discourse, till, becoming suddenly aware
that Jesus' thoughts were far away, he stopped speaking; the silence
awoke Jesus from his meditation, and he began to compare Paul's
strenuous and restless life with his own, asking himself if he envied
this man who had laboured so fiercely and meditated so little. And Paul,
divining in a measure the thoughts that were passing in Jesus' mind,
began to speak to Jesus of our life in the flesh and its value. For is
it not true, he asked, that it is in our fleshly life we earn our
immortal life? But, Paul, Jesus said, it seems unworthy to love virtue
to gain heaven. Is it not better to love virtue for its own sake? I have
heard that question many times, Paul answered, and believe those that
ask it to be of little faith; were I not sure that our Lord Jesus Christ
died, and was raised by his Father from the dead, I should turn to the
pleasures of this world, though there is but little taste in me for
them, only that little which all men suffer, and I have begged God to
redeem me from it, but he answered: my grace suffices.
A great pity for Paul took possession of Jesus, and seeking to gain him,
Jesus spoke of the Essenes and their life, and the advantage it would be
to him to return to the Brook Kerith. Among the brethren thou'lt seek
and find thyself, and every man, he continued, is behoven sooner or
later to seek himself; and thyself, Paul, if I read thee rightly, hath
always been overlooked by thee, which is a fault. So thou thinkest,
Jesus, that I have always overlooked myself? But which self? For there
have been many selves in me. A Pharisee that went forth from Jerusalem
with letters from the chief priests to persecute the saints in Damascus.
The self that has begun to wish that life were over so that I may be
brought to Christ, never to be separated again from him. Or the self
that lies beyond my reason, that would hold me accursed from Christ, if
thereby I might bring the whole world to Christ in exchange: which self
of those three wouldst thou have me seek and discover in the Brook
Kerith? He waited a little while for Jesus to answer, then he answered
his own question: my work is my conscience made manifest, and my soul is
in the Lord Jesus Christ that was crucified and raised from the dead by
his Father. He lives in me, and it is by his power that I live.
The men stopped and looked into each other's eyes, and it seemed to them
that no two men were so irreparably divided. Thou must bear with me,
Paul, Jesus said, a little while longer, till we reach a certain
hillside, distant about an hour's journey from this valley. I must see
thee to a place of safety, and the thoughts in my mind I will consider
while we strive up these sand-hills. Now if thy sandals hurt thee tell
me and I will arrange the thongs differently. Paul answered that they
were easy to wear, and they toiled up the dunes in silence, Paul
thinking how he might persuade this madman to return to his cenoby and
leave the world to him.
There are some, he said, as they came out of a valley, that think the
time is long deferred before the Lord will come. Thou'rt Jesus of
Nazareth, I deny it not, but the Jesus of Nazareth that I preach is of
the spirit and not of the flesh, and it was the spirit and not the flesh
that was raised from the dead. Thy doctrine that man's own soul is his
whole concern is well enough for the philosophers of Egypt and Greece,
but we who know the judgment to be near, and that there is salvation for
all, must hasten with the glad tidings. Wilt tell me, Paul, of what
value would thy teaching be if Jesus did not die on the cross? Many
times and in many places I have said my teaching would be as naught if
our Lord Jesus had not died, Paul answered. Are not my hands and feet
testimony, Paul, that I speak the truth? Look unto them. Pilate put many
beside thee on the cross, Paul replied, and, as I have told thee, my
Christ is not of this world. If he be not of this world, is he God or
angel? Jesus asked, and Paul said: neither, but God's own son, chosen by
God from the beginning to redeem the world, not the Jews only, but all
men, Gentiles and Jews alike. Thou hast asked me to look into thy hands
and feet, but what testimony may be a few ancient scars to me that heard
our Lord Jesus Christ speak out of the clouds? Thou wast not in the
cenoby when I told my story, hoping thereby to get a dozen apostles to
accompany me to Spain, a wide and difficult country I'm told, a dozen
would not be too many; but thou wast not there to hear what befell me on
the road to Damascus, whither I was going to persecute the saints; and
again a great pity for Paul took possession of Jesus as he listened to
the story. Were I to persuade him that there was no miracle, his mind
would snap, Jesus said to himself, and he figured Paul wandering
demented through the hills.
And when Paul came to the end of his story he seemed to have forgotten
the man walking by his side. He is rapt, Jesus said to himself, in the
Jesus of his imagination. And when they had walked for another hour
Jesus said: seest the ridge of hills over yonder? There we shall find
the village, two hours' march from Cæsarea. The sea rises up in front of
thee and a long meandering road will lead thee into Cæsarea. At yonder
ridge of hills we part. And whither goest thou? Paul asked. Returnest
thou to the Brook Kerith? I know not whither I go, but a great seeming
is in my heart that it will not be to the Brook Kerith nor to Jerusalem.
To Jerusalem? Paul repeated. What persuasion or what desire would bring
thee to that accursed city of men more stubborn than all others? I left
the Brook Kerith, Paul, after listening to Hazael for a long while; he
sought to dissuade me against Jerusalem, but I resisted his counsel,
saying that now I knew thee to be preaching the resurrection of Jesus of
Nazareth from the dead, thereby leading the people astray, I must return
to Jerusalem to tell the priest that he whom they believed to be raised
from the dead still lived in the flesh. However mad thou beest, the
priests will welcome thy story and for it may glorify thee or belike put
thee on the cross again. But this is sure that emissaries will be sent
to Italy and Spain, who will turn the people's mind from the truth; and
the testimony of the twelve that saw Jesus and of the five hundred that
saw him afterwards will be as naught; and the Jews will scoff at me,
saying: he whom thou declarest was raised from the dead lives; and the
Gentiles will scoff and say: we will listen to thee, Paul, another day;
and the world will fall back into idolatry, led back into it by the
delusions of a madman. The word of God is a weak thing, Paul, Jesus
answered, if it cannot withstand and overcome the delusions of a madman,
and God himself a derision, for he will have sent his son to die on the
cross in vain. Of the value of the testimony of the twelve I am the
better judge. Then thou goest to Jerusalem, Paul asked, to confute me?
No, Paul, I shall not return to Jerusalem. Because, Paul interrupted,
thou wouldst not see the world fall back into idolatry? Thou art a good
man despite---- Despite my delusions, Jesus said, interrupting Paul. So
thou'rt afraid the world will fall back into idolatry?--yet Jesus of
Nazareth has been proclaimed by thee as the Messiah, a man above
mankind. A spiritual being, higher than the angels, therefore, in a way,
part and parcel of the Godhead though not yet equal to God. Thinkest,
Paul, that those that come after thee will not pick up the Messiah where
thou hast left him and carry him still further into deity?
It is not fear of idolatry, Paul, that turns me from Jerusalem. The
world will always be idolatrous in some sort of fashion. Bear that well
in mind whither thou goest. The world cannot be else than the world.
Let us sit here, Paul answered, for I would hear thee under this rock in
front of this sea; thou shalt tell me how thou earnest into these
thoughts. Thou, a shepherd among the Judean hills. Jesus answered him:
the things that I taught in Galilee were not vain, but I only knew part
of the truth, that which thou knowest, that sacrifices and observances
are vain; and when I went to Jerusalem the infamy of the Temple and its
priests became clear to me, and I yielded to anger, for I was possessed
of a great desire to save the people. The Scribes and Pharisees
conspired against me, and I was brought before the High Priest, who rent
his garments. We have but little time to spend together, and rather than
that story I would hear thee tell of the thoughts that came to thee
whilst thou didst lead thy flocks over the hills.
For many years, Paul, there were no thoughts in my mind, or they were
kept back, for I was without a belief; but thought returned to my
desolate mind as the spring returns to these hills; and the next step in
my advancement was when I began to understand that we may not think of
God as a man who would punish men for doing things they have never
promised not to do, or recompense them for abstinence from things they
never promised to abstain from. Soon after I began to comprehend that
the beliefs of our forefathers must be abandoned, and that if we would
arrive at any reasonable conception of God, we must not put a stint upon
him. And as I wandered with my sheep he became in my senses not without
but within the universe, part and parcel, not only of the stars and the
earth, but of me, yea, even of my sheep on the hillside. All things are
God, Paul: thou art God and I am God, but if I were to say thou art man
and I am God, I should be the madman that thou believest me to be. That
was the second step in my advancement; and the third step, Paul, in my
advancement was the knowledge that God did not design us to know him but
through our consciousness of good and evil, only thus far may we know
him. So thou seest, Paul, he has not written the utmost stint of his
power upon us, and this being so, Paul--and who shall say that it is not
so--it came to me to understand that all striving was vain, and worse
than vain. The pursuit of a corruptible crown as well as the pursuit of
an incorruptible crown leads us to sin. If we would reach the sinless
state we must relinquish pursuit. What I mean is this, that he who seeks
the incorruptible crown starts out with words of love on his lips to
persuade men to love God, and finding that men do not heed him he begins
to hate them, and hate leads on into persecution. Such is the end of all
worship. There is but one thing, Paul, to learn to live for ourselves,
and to suffer our fellows to do likewise; all learning comes out of
ourselves, and no one may communicate his thought; for his thought was
given to him for himself alone. Thou art where I was once, thou hast
learnt that sacrifices and observances are vain, that God is in our
heart; and it may be that in years to come thy knowledge will be
extended, or it may be that thou hast reached the end of thy tether: we
are all at tether, Paul.
Wouldst thou have me learn, Jesus, that God is to be put aside? Again,
Paul, thou showest me the vanity of words. God forbid that I should say
banish God from thy hearts. God cannot be banished, for God is in us.
All things proceed from God; all things end in God; God like all the
rest is a possession of the mind. He who would be clean must be obedient
to God. God has not designed us to know him except through our
conscience. Each man's conscience is a glimpse. These are some of the
things that I have learnt, Paul, in the wilderness during the last
twenty years. But seek not to understand me. Thou canst not understand
me and be thyself; but, Paul, I can comprehend thee, for once I was
thou. Whither goest thou? Paul cried, looking back. But Jesus made no
answer, and Paul, with a flutter of exaltation in his heart, turned
towards Cæsarea, knowing now for certain that Jesus would not go to
Jerusalem to provoke the Jews against him. Italy would therefore hear of
the life and death of our Lord Jesus Christ that had brought salvation
for all, and Spain afterwards. Spain, Spain, Spain! he repeated as he
walked, filled with visions of salvation. He walked with Spain vaguely
in his mind till his reverie was broken by the sound of voices, and he
saw people suddenly in a strange garb going towards the hillside on
which he had left Jesus; neither Jews nor Greeks were they, and on
turning to a shepherd standing by he heard that the strangely garbed
people were monks from India, and they are telling the people, the
shepherd said, that they must not believe that they have souls, and that
they know that they are saved. What can be saved but the spirit? Paul
cried, and he asked the shepherd how far he was from the village of
Bethennabrio. Not more than half-an-hour, the shepherd answered, and it
was upon coming into sight of the village that Paul began to trace a
likeness between the doctrines that Jesus had confided to him and the
shepherd's story of the doctrines that were being preached by the monks
from India. His thoughts were interrupted by the necessity of asking the
first passenger coming from the village to direct him to the inn, and it
was good tidings to hear that there was one.
However meagre the food might be, it would be enough, he answered, and
while he sat at supper he remembered Jesus again, and while thinking of
his doctrines and the likeness they bore to those the Indians were
preaching, some words of Jesus returned to him. He had said that he did
not think he was going back to the Brook Kerith, and it may well be,
Paul muttered, that in saying those words he was a prophet without
knowing it. The monks from India will meet him in the valley, and if
they speak to him they will soon gather from him that he divined much of
their philosophy while watching his flock, and finding him to be of
their mind they may ask him to return to India with them and he will
preach there.
Sleep began to gather in Paul's eyes and he was soon dozing, thinking in
his doze how pleasant it was to lie in a room with no bats above him. A
remembrance of the smell kept him awake, but his fatigue was so great
that his sleep grew deeper and deeper and many hours passed over, and
the people in the inn thought that Paul would never wake again. But this
long sleep did not redeem him from the fatigue of his journeys. He could
not set out again till late in the afternoon, and it was evening when he
passed over the last ridge of hills and saw the yellow sands of Cæsarea
before him. The sky was grey, and the rain that Jesus had foreseen was
beginning to fall, and it was through shades of evening that he saw the
great mole covered with buildings stretching far into the sea. Timothy
will be waiting for me at the gate if he has not fallen over a
precipice, he said, and a few minutes after he caught sight of Timothy
waiting for him. Paul opened his arms to him. Thoughtest that I was lost
to thee for ever, Timothy? God whispered in my ears, Timothy answered,
that he would bring thee back safely, and the ship is already in offing.
It would be well to go on board now, for at daybreak we weigh anchor.
Thou'lt sleep better on board. And Paul, who was too weary even to
answer, allowed himself to be led. And, too weary to sleep, he lay
waking often out of shallow sleeps. He could hear Timothy breathing by
his side, and when he raised his eyes he saw the stars that were to
guide them along the coasts; but the beauty of the stars could not blot
out of his mind the shepherd's face: and Paul's thoughts murmured, he
who believed himself the Messiah and still thinks he is Jesus of
Nazareth which was raised by his Father from the dead. Yet without his
help I should not have reached Cæsarea. It then seemed to Paul that the
shepherd was an angel in disguise sent to his aid, or a madman. A madman
with a strange light in his eyes, he continued, and fell to thinking if
the voice that spoke out of the cloud bore any likeness to the voice
that had compelled his attention for so long a term on the hillside. But
a bodily voice, he said, cannot resemble a spiritual voice, and it is
enough that the Lord Jesus spoke to me, and that his voice has abided in
me and become my voice. It is his voice that is now calling me to Rome,
and it is his voice that I shall hear when my life is over, saying:
Paul, I have long waited for thee; come unto me, faithful servant, and
receive in me thy gain and the fruit of all thy labour. He repeated the
words so loudly that Timothy awoke, and at the sight of the young man's
face the present sank out of sight and he was again in Lystra, and on
looking into the young man's eyes he knew that Timothy would remind him
always of the woman in Lystra whom he would never see again. Of what art
thou thinking, Paul? The voice seemed to come from the ends of the
earth, but it came from Timothy's lips. Of Lystra, Timothy, that we
shall never see again nor any of the people we have ever known. We are
leaving our country and our kindred. But remember, Timothy, that it is
God that calls thee Homeward. And they sat talking in the soft starlight
of what had befallen them when they separated in the darkness. Timothy
told that he remembered the way he had come by sufficiently not to fall
far out of it, and that at daybreak he had met shepherds who had
directed him. He had walked and he had rested and in that way managed to
reach Cæsarea the following evening. A long journey on foot, but a poor
adventure. But thou hast been away three days, three days and three
nights.... How earnest thou hither? Thy eyes are full of story. A fair
adventure, Timothy, and he related his visit to the Essenes and their
dwelling among the cliffs above the Brook Kerith. A fair adventure
truly, Timothy. Would I'd been with thee to have seen and heard them.
Would indeed that we had not been separated---- He was about to tell the
shepherd's story but was stopped by some power within himself. But how
didst thou come hither? Timothy asked again, and Paul answered, the
Essenes sent their shepherd with me. Timothy begged Paul to tell him
more about the Essenes, but the sailors begged them to cease talking,
and next day the ship touched at Sidon, and Julius, in whose charge Paul
had been placed, gave him the liberty to go unto his friends and to
refresh himself.
The sea of Cilicia was beautifully calm, and they sailed on, hearing all
the sailors, who were Greek, telling their country's legends of the wars
of Troy, and of Venus whose great temple was in Cyprus. After passing
Cyprus they came to Myra, a city of Cilicia, and were fortunate enough
to find a ship there bound for Alexandria, sailing from thence to Italy.
Julius put them all on board it; but the wind was unfavourable, and as
soon as they came within sight of the Cnidus the wind blew against them
and they sailed to Crete and by Salome till they came to a coast known
as the Fair Havens by the city of Lasea, where much time was spent to
the great danger of the ship, and also to the lives of the passengers
and the crew as Paul fully warned them, the season, he said, being too
advanced for them to expect fair sailings. I have fared much by land and
sea, he said, and know the danger and perils of this season. He was not
listened to, but the Haven being not safe in winter they loosed for
Phoenice; and the wind blew softly, and they mocked Paul, but not long,
for a dangerous wind arose known as euroclydon, against which the ship
could not bear up, and so the crew let her drive before it till in great
fear of quicksands they unloaded the ship of some cargo. And next day,
the wind rising still higher, they threw overboard all they could lay
hands upon, and for several days and nights the wrack was so thick and
black overhead that they were driven on and on through unknown wastes of
water, Paul exhorting all to be of good cheer, for an angel of God had
exhorted him that night, telling that none should drown.
And when the fourteenth day was spent it seemed to the sailors that they
were close upon land. Upon sounding they found fifteen fathoms, and
afraid they were upon rocks, they cast out anchors. But the anchors did
not hold, and the danger of drowning became so great as the night
advanced that the sailors would have launched a boat, but Paul besought
them to remain upon the ship; and when it was day they discovered a
certain creek in which they thought they might beach the ship, which
they did, and none too soon, for the ship began to break to pieces soon
after. But shall our prisoners be supposed to swim ashore? the soldiers
asked, and they would have killed the prisoners, but the centurion
restrained them, for he was minded to save Paul's life, and all reached
the shore either by swimming or clinging to wreckage which the waves
cast up upon the shore.
They were then upon the island of Melita, where Paul was mistaken for a
murderer because a viper springing out of a bundle of sticks fastened on
his hand. But he shook off the beast into the fire and felt no harm, and
the barbarians waited for him to swell and fall down suddenly, but when
he showed no sign of sickness they mistook him for a god, and in fear
that they would offer sacrifices in his honour, as the priests of Lystra
wished to do when he bade the cripple stand straight upon his feet, he
told them that he was a man like themselves; he consented, however, that
they should bring him to Publius, the chief man of the island, who lay
sick with fever and a flux of blood, and he rose up healed as soon as
Paul imposed his hand upon him. And many other people coming, all of
whom were healed, the barbarians brought him presents.
After three months' stay they went on board a ship from Alexandria,
whose sign was Castor and Pollux, and a fair wind took them to Syracuse,
where they tarried three days; a south wind arose at Rhegium and carried
them next into Puteoli, where Paul found the brethren, who begged the
centurion Julius to allow him to remain with them for a few days, and on
account of his great friendship and admiration of Paul he allowed him to
tarry for seven days.
From Puteoli Paul and Timothy and Aristarchus went forward towards Rome
with the centurion, and the news of their journey having preceded them
the brethren came to meet them as far as The Three Taverns.... With
great rejoicing they all went on to Rome together, and when they arrived
in Rome the centurion delivered the prisoners to the Captain of the
Guard, but Paul was permitted to live by himself with a soldier on guard
over him, and he enjoyed the right to see whom he pleased and to teach
his doctrine, which he did, calling as soon as he was rested the chiefs
of the Jews together, and when they were come together he related to
them the story of the persecutions he had endured from the Jews from the
beginning, and that he had appealed to Cæsar in order to escape from
them. He expounded and testified the Kingdom of God, persuading them on
all matters concerning Jesus, his birth, his death and his resurrection,
enjoining them to look into the Scriptures and to accept the
testification of five hundred, many of whom were still alive, while some
were sleeping. He spoke from morning to evening.
The rest of his story is unknown.