if we never visited people we speak ill of; we
should live, like Egyptian hermits, in crowded
solitude.
GEORGE ELIOT, _Janet's Repentance_.
Methinks the older that one grows
Inclines us more to laugh than scold, though laughter
Leaves us so doubly serious shortly after.
LORD BYRON, _Beppo_.
We ought never to contend for what we are not
likely to obtain.
CARDINAL DE RETZ, _Memoirs_.
"I will never marry a woman who cannot carve,"
said M----. "Why?" "Because she would
not be a help-meat for me."
_Literary Gazette._
Twinkle, twinkle, little bat!
How I wonder what you're at!
Up above the world you fly,
Like a tea-tray in the sky.
LEWIS CARROLL, _Alice in Wonderland_.
We had for dinner, among other things, a ham which
was not well flavoured; and Mrs. Frederick
Mackenzie, who was annoyed about it, began
apologizing, and saying that Ellerton, the local grocer,
had sold it to her as something very excellent, and as a
genuine Westphalia. "Ah!" said Compton, "I cannot
determine precisely whether it is east or west, but it is a
_failure_ of some sort."
R. B. CARTER, in _Memoir of H. Compton_.
One of the company asserting that he had seen a
pike caught, which weighed thirty-six pounds,
and was four feet in length,--"Had it been a
sole," said Harry [Sandford], "it would have surprised
me less, as Shakespeare tells us, 'All the _souls_ that are,
were _four feet_ (forfeit) once.'"
R. H. BARHAM, _Life_.
There is safety in numbers, especially in odd
numbers. The Three Graces never married,
neither did the Nine Muses.
_Kenelm Chillingly_, in LORD LYTTON's novel.
_DISTICH._
There are three species of creatures who when
they seem coming are going,
When they seem going they come: Diplomats,
women, and crabs.
JOHN HAY, _Poems_.
If a man might know
The ill he must undergo,
And shun it so,
Then were it good to know.
But if he undergo it,
Though he know it,
What boots him know it?
He must undergo it.
SIR JOHN SUCKLING.
Barry Cornwall told me that when he and
Charles Lamb were once making up a dinner-party
together, Charles asked him not to invite
a certain lugubrious friend of theirs. "Because," said
Lamb, "he would cast a damper even over a funeral."
J. T. FIELDS, _Yesterdays with Authors_.
L'amour plaît plus que le mariage, par la
raison que les romans sont plus amusants que
l'histoire.
CHAMFORT, _Maximes_.
The farmers daughter hath frank blue eyes;
(_Butter and eggs and a pound of cheese_)
She hears the rooks caw in the windy skies,
As she sits at her lattice and shells her peas.
The farmer's daughter hath ripe red lips;
(_Butter and eggs and a pound of cheese_)
If you try to approach her, away she skips
Over tables and chairs with apparent ease.
The farmer's daughter hath soft brown hair;
(_Butter and eggs and a pound of cheese_)
And I met with a ballad, I can't say where,
Which wholly consisted of lines like these.
C. S. CALVERLEY, _Fly Leaves_.
Macready told a story of George B----, the
actor, who, it seems, was not popular in the profession,
being considered a sort of time-server:
"There goes Georgius," said some one. "Not Georgium
Sidus?" replied Keeley. "Yes," added Power, "Georgium
_Any_-sidus."
R. H. BARHAM, _Life_.
I'm weary, and sick, and disgusted
With Britain's mechanical din;
Where I'm much too well known to be trusted,
And plaguily pestered for tin;
Where love has two eyes for your banker,
And one chilly flame for yourself;
Where souls can afford to be franker,
But where they're well garnished with pelf.
I'm sick of the whole race of poets,
Emasculate, misty, and fine;
They brew their small beer, and don't know its
Distinction from full-bodied wine.
I'm sick of the prosers, that house up
At drowsy St. Stephen's--ain't you?
I want some strong spirits to rouse up
A good resolution or two!
_Bon Gaultier Ballads_.
"On one occasion," said Brummell, "I called to
inquire after a young lady who had sprained
her ankle. Lewis, on being asked how she
was, had said in the black's presence, 'The doctor has
seen her, put her legs straight, and the poor chicken is
doing well.' The servant, therefore, told me, with a very
mysterious and knowing look, 'Oh, sir, the doctor has
been here; she has laid eggs, and she and the chickens
are doing well.'"
GRONOW, _Recollections_.
A Scottish clergyman had some years since
been cited before the Ecclesiastical Assembly
at Edinburgh, to answer to a charge brought
against him of great irreverence in religious matters, and
Sir Walter [Scott] was employed by him to arrange his
defence. The principal fact alleged against him was his
having asserted, in a letter which was produced, that "he
considered Pontius Pilate to be a very ill-used man, as
he had done more for Christianity than all the other _nine
Apostles_ put together." The fact was proved, and suspension
followed.
R. H. BARHAM, _Life_.
_ON DIDACTICS IN POETRY._
Parnassus' peaks still catch the sun;
But why--O lyric brother!--
Why build a Pulpit on the one,
A Platform on the other?
AUSTIN DOBSON, in _Latter-Day Lyrics_.
My old fellow-traveller in Germany, himself an Irishman,
being on the box of an Irish mail-coach on
a very cold day, and observing the driver enveloping
his neck in the voluminous folds of an ample
"comforter," remarked, "You seem to be taking very
good care of yourself, my friend." "Och, to be shure I
am, sir," answered the driver; "what's all the world to a
man when his wife's a widdy?"
J. R. PLANCHÉ, _Recollections_.
---- has nothing truly human about him; he can't
even yawn like a man.
LADY ASHBURTON, _apud_ LORD HOUGHTON.
We are apt to be kinder to the brutes that love us
than to the women that love us. Is it because
the brutes are dumb?
GEORGE ELIOT, _Adam Bede_.
A frontispiece of a new magazine,
With all the fashions which the last month wore,
Colour'd, and silver-paper leaved between
That and the title page, for fear the press
Should soil with parts of speech the parts of dress.
LORD BYRON, _Beppo_.
"I wish to consult you upon a little project I
have formed," said a noodle to his friend. "I
have an idea in my head----" "Have you?"
interposed the friend, with a look of great surprise;
"then you shall have my opinion at once: _keep it there_!--it
may be some time before you get another."
HORACE SMITH, _The Tin Trumpet_.
On aime mieux dire du mal de soi-même que de
n'en point parler.
LA ROCHEFOUCAULD, _Réflexions_.
And I said, "Why is this thus? What is the reason
of this thusness?"
C. F. BROWNE, _Artemus Ward's Lecture_.
_THEOLOGICAL HOROLOGY._
There's this to say about the Scotch,
So bother bannocks, braes, and birks,
They can't produce a decent watch,
For Calvinists despise good works.
SHIRLEY BROOKS, _Wit and Humour_.
Dawson told a good story about the Irish landlord
counting out the change of a guinea. "12,
13, 14" (a shot heard); "Bob, go and see who's
that that's killed; 15, 16, 17" (enter Bob). "It's Kelly,
sir." "Poor Captain Kelly, a very good customer of
mine; 18, 19, 20--there's your change, sir."
THOMAS MOORE, _Diary_.
Can this be Balbus, household word for all,
Whose earliest exploit was to build a wall:
Who, with a frankness that I'm sure must charm ye,
Declared it was all over with the army?
Can this be he who feasted, as 'twas said,
The town at forty sesterces a head?
But, while the thankless mob his bounty quaffed,
Historians add--that there were some who laughed.
_Horace_, in G. O. TREVELYAN's _Horace at Athens_.
I should never like scolding any one else so
well; and that is a point to be thought of in a
husband.
_Mary Garth_, in GEORGE ELIOT's _Middlemarch_.
In Logic a woman may seldom excel;
But in Rhetoric always she bears off the bell.
Fair Portia will show woman's talent for law,
When in old Shylock's bond she could prove such a flaw.
She would blunder in physic no worse than the rest,
She could leave things to Nature as well as the best,
She could feel at your wrist, she could finger your fee;
Then why should a woman not get a degree?
LORD NEAVES, _Songs and Verses_.
_Quam parvâ sapientiâ regitur mundus._ Say rather,
_quam magnâ stultitiâ_.
CHARLES BUXTON, _Notes of Thought_.
The padded corsage and the well-matched hair,
Judicious jupon spreading out the spare,
Sleeves well designed soft plumpness to impart,
Leave vacant still the hollows of the heart.
ALFRED AUSTIN, _The Season_.
A Tailor is partly an alchemist, for he extracteth
his own apparel out of other men's clothes.
SIR THOMAS OVERBURY, _Characters_.
I am quite ashamed to take people into my garden,
and have them notice the absence of onions. In
onion is strength; and a garden without it lacks
flavour.
C. D. WARNER, _My Summer in a Garden_.
Torbay had incurred a good deal of expense
To make him a Scotchman in every sense
But this is a matter, you'll readily own,
That isn't a question of tailors alone.
A Sassenach chief may be bonily built,
He may purchase a sporran, a bonnet, and kilt,
Stick a skean in his hose--wear an acre of stripes--
But he cannot assume an affection for pipes.
W. S. GILBERT, _Bab Ballads_.
When you have found the master-passion of a man,
remember never to trust him where that passion
is concerned.
LORD CHESTERFIELD, _Letters to his Son_.
_ON ONE WHO SPOKE LITTLE._
"I hardly ever ope my lips," one cries:
"Simonides, what think you of my rule?"
"If you're a fool, I think you're very wise;
If you are wise, I think you are a fool."
R. GARNETT, _Idylls and Epigrams_.
Nous aimons mieux voir ceux à qui nous faisons
du bien que ceux qui nous en font.
LA ROCHEFOUCAULD, _Réflexions_.
_ALL SAINTS'_.
In a church which is furnish'd with mullion and gable,
With altar and reredos, with gargoyle and groin,
The penitents' dresses are sealskin and sable,
The odour of sanctity's eau-de-Cologne.
But only could Lucifer, flying from Hades,
Gaze down on this crowd with its panniers and paints,
He would say, as he look'd at the lords and the ladies,
"Oh, where is All Sinners', if this is All Saints'?"
EDMUND YATES.
If we are long absent from our friends, we forget
them; if we are constantly with them, we despise
them.
W. HAZLITT, _Characteristics_.
A well-known _litterateur_, on seeing [Lady
Ruthven], after breakfast, feeding her pheasants
with crumbs and milk, exclaimed, "Ah! I see
your ladyship is preparing them _here_, for bread-sauce
_hereafter_."
J. C. YOUNG, _Diary_.
The second canto of the "Pleasures of Memory,"
as published in the first edition, commenced
with the lines--
"Sweet memory, wafted by thy gentle gale,
Oft up the tide of Time I turn my sail."
[A] critic remarked on this passage that it suggested the
alliteration--
"Oft up the tide of Time I turn my _tail_."
ROGERS, _Table Talk_.
I like the man who makes a pun,
Or drops a deep remark;
I like philosophy or fun--
A lecture or a lark;
But I despise the men who gloat
Inanely over anecdote.
Ah me! I'd rather live alone
Upon a desert isle,
Without a voice except my own
To cheer me all the while,
Than dwell with men who learn by rote
Their paltry funds of anecdote.
H. S. LEIGH, _Carols of Cockayne_.
No woman is too silly not to have a genius for
spite.
ANNA C. STEELE.
That's what a man wants in a wife mostly; he
wants to make sure o' one fool as 'ull tell him
he's wise.
_Mrs. Poyser_, in GEORGE ELIOT's _Adam Bede_.
The characters of great and small
Come ready-made, we can't bespeak one;
Their sides are many, too,--and all
(Except ourselves) have got a weak one.
Some sanguine people love for life,
Some love their hobby till it flings them.--
How many love a pretty wife
For love of the _éclat_ she brings them!
FREDERICK LOCKER, _London Lyrics_.
Conscience, in most souls, is like an English
Sovereign--it reigns, but it does not govern.
Its function is merely to give a formal assent to
the Bills passed by the passions; and it knows, if it
opposes what those are really bent upon, that ten to one
it will be obliged to abdicate.
_Leslie_, in MALLOCK's _New Republic_.
If you are pious (mild form of insanity),
Bow down and worship the mass of humanity.
Other religions are buried in mists;
We're our own Gods, say the Positivists.
MORTIMER COLLINS, _The British Birds_.
We were sitting in the green-room one evening
during the performance, chatting and laughing,
she [Mrs. Nesbitt] having a book in her hand
which she had to take on the stage with her in the next
scene, when Brindal, a useful member of the company,
but not particularly remarkable for wit or humour, came
to the door, and, leaning against it, in a sentimental
manner drawled out,--
"If to her share some female errors fall,
Look in her face----"
He paused. She raised her beautiful eyes to him, and
consciously smiled--_her_ smile--in anticipation of the
well-known complimentary termination of the couplet,
when, with a deep sigh, he added--
"----and you'll _believe_ them all!"
J. R. PLANCHÉ, _Recollections_.
_THE MAIDENS._
Perhaps, O lovers, if we did our hair
_A la_ Medea, and if our garments were
Draped classically, we should seem more fair.
_THE YOUTHS._
By doing this ye would not us befool;
Medea! the idea makes our blood run cool;
Besides, of classics we'd enough at school.
_Once a Week_.
Pledge me round, I bid ye declare,
All good fellows whose beards are grey,
Did not the fairest of the fair
Common grow and wearisome ere
Ever a month was passed away?
The reddest lips that ever have kissed,
The brightest eyes that ever have shone,
May pray and whisper, and we not list,
Or look away, and never be missed,
Ere yet ever a month is gone.
W. M. THACKERAY.
It was known that Lord St. Jerome gave at his
ball suppers the same champagne that he gave
at his dinners, and that was of the highest class:
in short, a patriot. We talk with wondering execration
of the great poisoners of past ages, the Borgias, the
inventor of Aqua tofana, and the amiable Marchioness
de Brinvilliers; but Pinto was of opinion that there
were more social poisoners about in the present day than
in the darkest and most demoralized periods, and then
none of them are punished; which is so strange, he
would add, as they are all found out.
LORD BEACONSFIELD, _Lothair_.
Seared is, of course, my heart:--but unsubdued
Is, and shall be, my appetite for food.
C. S. CALVERLEY, _Verses and Translations_.
Sheil had learnt and forgotten the exordium of a
speech which began with the word "Necessity."
This word he had repeated three times, when
Sir Robert Peel broke in--"is not _always_ the mother of
invention."
ABRAHAM HAYWARD, _Essays_.
_ON MR. FROUDE AND CANON KINGSLEY._
Froude informs the Scottish youth
Parsons have small regard for truth;
The Reverend Canon Kingsley cries
That History is a pack of lies.
What cause for judgment so malign?
A brief reflection solves the mystery:
Froude believes Kingsley a divine,
And Kingsley goes to Froude for history.
ANON.
Dined with Sydney Smith. He said that his brother
Robert had, in King George III.'s time, translated
the motto, "_Libertas sub rege pio_," "The
pious king has got liberty under."
R. H. BARHAM, _Life_.
_Landlord_: He's only a genus.
_Glavis_: A what?
_Landlord_: A genus!--a man who can do everything
in life except anything that's useful--that's a genus.
LORD LYTTON, _The Lady of Lyons_.
First love is a pretty romance,
But not half so sweet as 'tis reckoned;
And when one wakes from the trance,
There's a vast stock of bliss in the second.
And e'en should a second subside,
A lover should never despair;
The world is uncommonly wide,
And the women uncommonly fair.
The poets their raptures may tell,
Who have never been put to the test;
A first love is all very well,
But, believe me, the last love's the best.
MR. BERNAL.
I've nothing to say again' her piety, my dear; but
I know very well I shouldn't like her to cook
my victual. When a man comes in hungry an'
tired, piety won't feed him, I reckon. Hard carrots
'ull lie heavy on his stomach, piety or no piety. It's
right enough to be speritial--I'm no enemy to that; but
I like my potatoes mealy.
_Mrs. Linnet_, in GEORGE ELIOT's _Janet's Repentance_.
Somehow, sitting cosily here,
I think of the sunny summertide hours,
When the what-do-you-call-'em warbles clear,
And the breezes blow--likewise the flowers.
_Once a Week._
A lawyer's brief will be brief, before a freethinker
thinks freely.
_Guesses at Truth._
Juxtaposition, in fine; and what is juxtaposition?
Look you, we travel along in the railway, carriage or steamer,
And, _pour passer le temps_, till the tedious journey be ended,
Lay aside paper or book, to talk to the girl who is next one;
And, _pour passer le temps_, with the terminus all but in prospect,
Talk of eternal ties and marriages made in heaven.
_Claude_, in CLOUGH's _Amours de Voyage_.
We measure the excellency of other men by some
excellency we conceive to be in ourselves.
SELDEN, _Table Talk_.
Oh! spare those Gardens where the leafy glade
Prompts the proposal dalliance delayed;
Where tear-dewed lids, choked utterance, sobs suppressed,
Tear the confession from a doubting breast;
Whence they, who vainly haunted rout and ride,
Emerge triumphant from a suitor's side.
ALFRED AUSTIN, _The Season_.
They have queer hotels in Oregon. I remember
one where they gave me a bag of oats for a
pillow. I had night mares, of course.
C. F. BROWNE, _Artemus Ward's Lecture_.
The man who would Charybdis shun
Must make a cautious movement,
Or else he'll into Scylla run--
Which would be no improvement.
The fish that left the frying-pan,
On feeling that desire, sir,
Took little by their change of plan,
When floundering in the fire, sir.
LORD NEAVES, _Songs and Verses_.
The flattery which is most pleasing to really beautiful
or decidedly ugly women is that which is
addressed to the intellect.
LORD CHESTERFIELD, _Letters to his Son_.
Johnson's folly--to be candid--was a wild desire to treat
Every able male white citizen he met upon the street;
And there being several thousand--but this subject why pursue?
'Tis with Perkins, and not Johnson, that to-day we have to do.
BRET HARTE, _Complete Works_.
Good little girls ought not to make mouths at
their teachers for every trifling offence. This
kind of retaliation should only be resorted to
under peculiarly aggravating circumstances.
If you have nothing but a rag-doll stuffed with sawdust,
while one of your more fortunate little playmates
has a costly china one, you should treat her with a show
of kindness nevertheless. And you ought not to attempt
to make a forcible swap with her, unless your conscience
would justify you in it, and you know you are able to
do it.
If your mother tells you to do a thing, it is wrong to
reply that you won't. It is better and more becoming
to intimate that you will do as she bids you, and then
afterwards act quietly in the matter according to the
dictates of your better judgment.
MARK TWAIN, _Choice Works_.
We count mankind, and keep our census still,
We count the stars that populate the night;
But who, with all his computation, can
Con catty nations right?
R. H. NEWELL, _Orpheus C. Kerr Papers_.
I think it was Jekyll who used to say that "the
further he went West, the more convinced he
was that the wise men did come from the East."
SYDNEY SMITH, _Life and Letters_.
Ce qui nous empêche souvent de nous abandonner
à un seul vice est que nous en avons plusieurs.
LA ROCHEFOUCAULD, _Réflexions_.
I have observed that if people's vanity is pleased,
they live well enough together. Offended vanity
is the great separator.
_Ellesmere_, in HELPS's _Friends in Council_.
_ON EDINBURGH._
Pompous the boast, and yet a truth it speaks:
A "Modern Athens"--fit for modern Greeks.
JAMES HANNAY, _Sketches and Characters_.
Lord Andover, a very fat man, was greatly
plagued at a fancy bazaar to buy some trifle or
other from the ladies' stalls. At length he rather
rudely said, "I am like the Prodigal Son, persecuted by
ladies." "No, no," retorted Mrs. ----, "say, rather, the
fatted calf."
B. R. HAYDON, _Diary_.
A quiet conscience makes one so serene!
Christians have burnt each other, quite persuaded,
That all the Apostles would have done as they did.
LORD BYRON, _Don Juan_.
"Were you born in wedlock?" asked a counsel of
a witness. "No, sir, in Devonshire," was the
reply.
HORACE SMITH, _The Tin Trumpet_.
Evanson, in his "Dissonance of the Gospels,"
thinks Luke is most worthy of credence. P----
said that Evanson was a _luke_-warm Christian.
CRABB ROBINSON, _Diary_.
_ONE FOR HIM._
Reading the paper Laura sat,
"Greenwich _mean_ time, mamma, what's that?"
"My love, it's when your stingy Pa
Won't take us to the Trafalgàr."
SHIRLEY BROOKS, _Wit and Humour_.
I was once as desperately in love as you are now.
I adored, and was rejected. "You are in love
with certain attributes," said the lady. "Damn
your attributes, madam," said I; "I know nothing of
attributes." "Sir," she said, with dignity, "you have
been drinking." So we parted. She was married afterwards
to another, who knew something about attributes,
I suppose. I have seen her once, and only once. She
had a baby in a yellow gown. I hate a baby in a yellow
gown!
_Berkley_, in LONGFELLOW's _Hyperion_.
A man has generally the good or ill qualities which
he attributes to mankind.
SHENSTONE, _Essays_.
How doth the little crocodile
Improve his shining tail,
And pour the waters of the Nile
On every shining scale!
How cheerfully he seems to grin,
How neatly spreads his claws,
And welcomes little fishes in
With gently smiling jaws!
LEWIS CARROLL, _Alice in Wonderland_.
_Apropos_ of cutlets, I once called upon an old
lady, who pressed me so urgently to stay and
dine with her that, as I had no engagement, I
could not refuse. On sitting down, the servant uncovered
a dish which contained two mutton chops; and
my old friend said, "Mr. Hook, you see your dinner."
"Thank you, ma'am," said I; "but where is yours?"
THEODORE HOOK, _apud_ PLANCHÉ.
In all distresses of our friends,
We first consult our private ends;
While nature, kindly bent to ease us,
Points out some circumstance to please us.
SWIFT, _Verses on his own Death_.
On ne donne rien si libéralement que ses conseils.
LA ROCHEFOUCAULD, _Réflexions._
_A NUTSHELL NOVEL._
FOR A MINIATURE MUDIE.
VOL. I.
A winning wile,
A sunny smile,
A feather:
A tiny talk,
A pleasant walk,
Together!
VOL. II.
A little doubt,
A playful pout,
Capricious:
A merry miss,
A stolen kiss,
Delicious!!
VOL. III.
You ask mamma,
Consult papa,
With pleasure:
And both repent
This rash event,
At leisure!!!
J. ASHBY STERRY, _Boudoir Ballads_.
Woman consoles us, it is true, while we are young
and handsome! When we are old and ugly,
woman snubs and scolds us.
LORD LYTTON, _What will he do with it?_
La société est composée de deux grandes classes:
ceux qui ont plus de dîners que d'appétit, et
ceux qui ont plus d'appétit que de dîners.
CHAMFORT, _Maximes_.
Has she wedded some gigantic shrimper,
That sweet mite with whom I loved to play?
Is she girt with babes that whine and whimper,
That bright being who was always gay?
Yes--she has at least a dozen wee things!
Yes--I see her darning corduroys,
Scouring floors, and setting out the tea-things,
For a howling herd of hungry boys.
C. S. CALVERLEY, _Fly Leaves_.
"You may report to your Government that the
British youth of the present day, hot from the
University, are very often prigs."
"Most certainly I will," said Mr. Wog; "the last
word, however, is one with which I am not acquainted."
"It is an old English term for profound thinker," I
replied.
L. OLIPHANT, _Piccadilly_.
Woman takes the lead in all the departments,
leaving us politics only. While we are being
amused by the ballot, woman is quietly taking
things into her own hands.
C. D. WARNER, _My Summer in a Garden_.
Would it were wind and wave alone!
The terrors of the torrid zone,
The indiscriminate cyclone,
A man might parry;
But only faith, or "triple brass,"
Can help the "outward-bound" to pass
Safe through that eastward-faring class
Who sail to marry.
For him fond mothers, stout and fair,
Ascend the tortuous cabin stair
Only to hold around his chair
Insidious sessions;
For him the eyes of daughters droop
Across the plate of handed soup,
Suggesting seats upon the poop,
And soft confessions.
AUSTIN DOBSON, _Vignettes in Rhyme_.
It's poor work allays settin' the dead above the
livin'. It 'ud be better if folks 'ud make much
of us beforehand, isted o' beginnin' when we're
gone.
_Mrs. Poyser_, in GEORGE ELIOT's _Adam Bede_.