It was about twelve at noon, and a servant brought in dinner. It was
only one substantial meal of meat, fit for the plain condition of a
husbandman, in a dish of about four-and-twenty feet diameter. The
company consisted of the farmer and his wife, three children, and an old
grandmother. When they were seated, the farmer placed me at some
distance from him on the table, which was thirty feet high from the
floor.
I was in a terrible fright, and kept as far as I could from the edge,
for fear of falling. The wife minced a bit of meat, then crumbled some
bread on a trencher, and placed it before me. I made her a low bow,
took out my knife and fork, and fell to eating, which gave them
exceeding delight. The mistress sent her maid for a small dram cup,
which held about two gallons, and filled it with drink. I took up the
vessel with much difficulty in both hands, and in a most respectful
manner drank to her ladyship’s health, expressing the words as loudly as
I could in English: which made the company laugh so heartily that I was
almost deafened with the noise. This liquor tasted like cider, and was
not unpleasant.
[Illustration: DEAN SWIFT]
Then the master made me a sign to come to his side; but, as I walked on
the table, being in great surprise all the time, I happened to stumble
against a crust, and fell flat on my face, but received no hurt. I got
up immediately, and, observing the good people to be in much concern, I
took my hat, which I held under my arm, out of good manners, and, waving
it over my head, gave three cheers to show I had received no mischief by
my fall.
On advancing towards my master, his youngest son, who sat next to him,
an arch boy of about ten years old, took me up by the legs, and held me
so high in the air that I trembled in every limb; but his father
snatched me from him, and at the same time gave him such a box on the
left ear as would have felled a European troop of horse to the earth,
and ordered him to be taken from the table. As I was afraid the boy
might owe me a spite, I fell on my knees, and, pointing to him, made my
master to understand as well as I could that I desired his son might be
pardoned. The father complied, and the lad took his seat again;
whereupon I went to him and kissed his hand, which my master took, and
made him stroke me gently with it.
In the midst of dinner, my mistress’s favorite cat leaped into her lap.
I heard a noise behind me like that of a dozen stocking weavers at work;
and, turning my head, I found it proceeded from the purring of that
animal, who seemed to be three times larger than an ox, as I computed by
the view of her head and one of her paws, while her mistress was feeding
and stroking her. The fierceness of the cat’s countenance altogether
discomposed me, though I stood at the farther end of the table, above
fifty feet off, and though my mistress held her fast, for fear she might
give a spring and seize me in her talons. But it happened that there was
no danger, for she took not the least notice of me, although my master
placed me within three yards of her.
As I have been always told, and have found true by experience in my
travels, that flying, or discovering fear before a fierce animal, is a
certain way to make it pursue or attack you, I resolved, in this
dangerous juncture, to show no manner of concern. I walked with
intrepidity five or six times before the very head of the cat, and came
within half a yard of her; whereupon she drew herself back, as if she
were afraid of me. I had less apprehension concerning the dogs, whereof
three or four came into the room,--as it is usual in farmers’
houses,--one of which was a mastiff, equal in bulk to four elephants,
and a greyhound somewhat taller than the mastiff, but not so large.
--JONATHAN SWIFT.