HUMILITY BAREBONES STOUT.
The report goes on to say—
“But what the circumscribed wits of Etherial Softdown, the divine
languishments of Eusedora Polypheme, the defiant unscrupulousness of
Regina Straightback, failed to accomplish, namely, the convulsing of
all Christendom, by one dexterous jugglery of cant, was left to be
achieved by our at present most honored agent, Humility Barebones Stout.
“It will be seen, by her genealogical tree, as indicated in her middle
name, that she came, as it were, prepared, through a long table
of evangelical descent, for the work before her. Nothing could be
conceived more apropos: the blood of the Covenanters in the veins of
the modern ‘New-Light.’ Sharpened in its passage through New England
Puritanism, it has now become as professionally capable of splitting
hairs, as it formerly was of splitting heads. And then there was a
time-honored nasal, in which it
‘Poured its dolors forth;’
the preservation of the exact intonations of which does marvellous
credit to the antiquarian proclivities of this distinguished line. Then
there is a characteristic command of doggerel snatches, confessedly
without rhythm, because they were inspired,—for which the Fathers
Barebones and Poundtext were peculiarly noted in their day,—which seems
to have been transmitted, without the slightest deterioration of manner
or emphasis. And, in addition, there was an ecstaticism of textology,
to which these revered fathers uniformly resigned themselves, about
the time they had reached their ‘sixteenthlies,’ the facilities
of which seem to have been more than improved upon by their modern
representative. In a word, no reach of nasal effect,
‘From coughing trombone down to hoarsened pipe’—
no fecundant sprightliness of doggerel—no illuminated aptitude of
text, betwixt Daniel in the lion’s den, and Death on the pale horse—no
syllogistic or aphoristic touch of bedridden theology that has been
in vogue since the time of Luther, but is at the tongue’s end of this
Cyclopean daughter of the ‘Fathers of the Covenant.’
“Admirable! admirable! What was to prevent Humility Barebones
Stout from using these rightfully-derived and extraordinary gifts
for the good of humanity? Not that she had thought anything more
philosophically about it, than that the good of humanity ought to
consist with the claims of her inherited renown, her caste, and her
prescriptive rights. Not that she cared particularly who suffered; but
being of a hysterical and exacting temperament, she had come to the
conclusion that her own, the white race, had conspired against her—that
they were jealous of her—would never yield to her ancestral claims a
fair precedence.
“Her pride would not permit her to cry persecution for herself and
in her own name; for she had been, lo! these many days! a tireless
scribbler and notoriety-seeker, in appeals to her own race, through the
legitimate channels of current literature, on the simple basis of her
own individual experiences and the inspirations proper to her sex and
grade. These having failed to attract any attention beyond the day’s
notoriety, and from the additional fact of the most labored of them
having been consigned to oblivion through the pages of silly annuals,
she turned herself about in wrath, to avenge her wrongs. Her heart was
filled with bitterness.
“She had known Etherial Softdown, with jealous unction; she had
communed with Eusedora Polypheme, in hopeless emulation of spirit;
she had shrunk before the lioness moods of the triumphing Regina
Straightback. She felt that she was displaced—that she had been left
behind. She saw that they were all too proud, or too far advanced,
to condescend to use the rusty weapons which had fallen to her by
inheritance; that they had set their feet above her, on the platform
of progress; that they at least called the semblances of science and
philosophy, through their terminalogies, to aid them, while they left
cant to their menials.
“She felt that she was as bold as they. In what, then, consisted her
weakness? Could the fault be in her ‘stars,’ that she was still an
‘underling’? ‘Ha! ha! ha! Cant! cant! cant!’ and she laughed out, with
the exultation of Softdown’s first ‘Eureka!’ ’Cant! cant! I have it!
It descended to me from Barebones, my illustrious ancestor. Insolent
beldames! I will show them! They affect to quote the pure strains of
philosophy—
“To imitate the graces of the gods.”
We shall see! we shall see! I hate my own race; it has not appreciated
me. What care I for white-slavery and its abuses—for fairness, for
truth? Cant! cant! By its magic, I shall
“Show as a snowy dove trooping with crows.”
Eureka! Eureka!’
Etherial! ah, Etherial! the race hath not been to the swift, nor the
battle to the strong—thou hast been overshadowed!
THE END.
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