We suppose that no individual has rendered more invaluable service as a
historian than the distinguished Eye-witness of the newspapers. The
friends of PUNCHINELLO will therefore be rejoiced to hear that this
accurate reporter was engaged to detail for our readers the progress of
the late elections.
Some time ago, the Eye-witness set about organizing the campaign by the
masterly and novel plan of inducing the leaders of the opposing
political parties to nominate different men for the same office. The
effect was electrical. Immediately on these nominations being made
public, the people rose like one man, and began canvassing like a great
many different and very quarrelsome men. Target companies sprang from
the recesses of the East Side, like ghosts from the rocks in _Der
Freischütz;_ drums and fifes resounded; cannons boomed; fireworks burst
into flame. The Eye-witness, having thus set the universe satisfactorily
by the ears, got into his second-story front, and contemplated the
campaign with serene complacency from the window.
He had not to wait very long for a Mass Meeting to be formed under his
very nose, and, consequently, within range of his witnessing and
recording Eye. This Mass Meeting was conducted by the "Intelligent"
Party, and was announced to be speedily followed by a Multitudinous
Assemblage of the "Enlightened" Party. These two factions, as it will
readily be observed, and as their names indicate, are of the most widely
varying character and scope; a fact to be further illustrated by the
proceedings which followed.
The intelligent began to assemble early in the evening, to the sound of
guns and drums and sky-rockets. These accompaniments were intended to
get their spirits up, but the Intelligent persistently applied
themselves to getting spirits down; and when the rival processes had
continued for a reasonable length of time, speakers began to appear upon
the stands. The first man who addressed them was the Commercial
Candidate.
"Fellow-citizens," said he, "why are you here? To elect me, of course.
(Immense cheering.) And why will you elect me? I am an honest man: I
want no office. (Laughter and cheers.) Ah, my friends, you elect me
because you are now paying $5.36 on every pound of Peruvian Bark and
Egyptian Mummy which you use in every-day life, and because you know
that when I am in, the other party will be out!" (Continued applause.)
Next rose an ex-Senator, who said he had come wholly unprepared to
speak, but, being unexpectedly called upon, had made some brief jottings
on a visiting-card, to which he would now refer. He then spoke for one
hour and three-quarters. At the close there was an intermission for
carrying off the dead.
JONES, the candidate for the office of Vituperator, then cleared his
throat savagely.
"My friends," he began, "BROWN, the opposing candidate, is a scamp, and
he knows it. If any man says he isn't, _he_ is. (Loud cheers.) Do you
ask me to prove it? Prove an axiom! (Applause.) Who but a damned rascal
would run against me at election? I tell you it is assault and battery!
(Sounds of approbation.) In conclusion, I will only add that Brown is an
infernal bummer and a sneak." (Cheers.)
The Intelligent then dispersed in a splendidly ferocious and
bloody-minded condition, fully primed for the election. Shortly
afterward the Enlightened appeared upon the scene in the following