_Coke Clifton to Guy Fairfax_
_London, Dover-Street_
For a few days after having secured my tormentors, I enjoyed something
like comparative ease: but the ugly imps that haunted me, in fiercer
crowds again are swarming round me. I am too miserable to exist in this
state; it must be ended. It is a turmoil that surpasses mortal
sufferance! If she will wrestle against fate, it is not my fault. I
have no wish to practise more upon her than is necessary. But the thing
must be.
Sleep I have none, rest I have none, peace I have none. I get up and
sit down, walk out and come back, mutter imprecations unconsciously to
myself, and turn the eyes of insolent curiosity and ridiculous
apprehension upon me in the street. A fellow has just now watched me
home; deeming me a lunatic I suppose; for he had seen my agitation, and
heard the curses which I knew not were uttered aloud, till his
impertinent observation of me brought it to my recollection.
But this shall not be! It shall end! Though I rend her heart-strings
for it, I will have ease! The evening approaches; my horse is ordered
and I will be gone. I will not, cannot endure this longer!
_Brompton-House_
I am here, and have talked with Laura. She owns she is suspected, and
that her mistress takes the key out of the bed-chamber door, when they
go to rest, and hides it: Laura by accident has discovered where. She
puts it on the ledge behind the head of her bed, but within the reach
of her arm.
This has suggested a thought: I will wait here till midnight and sleep
have lulled her apprehensions. It will be better than facing her in the
glare of day. Her eye, Fairfax, is terrible in her anger. It is too
steady, too strong in conscious innocence to encounter. Darkness will
give me courage, and her terror and despair. For it must come to that!
It cannot otherwise be; and be it must! In the blaze of noon, when
fortitude is awake and the heart beating high perhaps with resentment,
nothing but the goadings of despair could make me face her. The words
she would use would be terrible, but her looks would petrify!--By this
stratagem I shall avoid them.
Nor do I blush to own my cowardice, in the presence of Anna St. Ives:
she being armed with innocence and self-approbation; and I abashed by
conscious guilt, violence, and intentional destruction.
Why aye!--Let the thick swarth of night cover us! I feel, with a kind
of horrid satisfaction, the deep damnation of the deed! It is the very
colour and kind of sin that becomes me; sinning as I do against Anna
St. Ives! With any other it would be boy's sport; a thing to make a
jest of after dinner; but with her it is rape, in all its wildest
contortions, shrieks, and expiring groans!
I lie stretched on burning embers, and I have hours yet to wait. Oh
that I were an idiot!--The night is one dead, dun gloom! It looks as if
murrain, mildew, and contagion were abroad, hovering over earth and
brooding plagues. I will walk out awhile, among them--Will try to meet
them--Would that my disturbed imagination could but conjure up goblins,
sheeted ghosts, heads wanting bodies, and hands dropping blood, and
realize the legends of ignorance and infancy, so that I could freeze
memory and forget the horrors by which I am haunted!
It draws near midnight--I am now in her apartment, the room next to her
bed-chamber.
My orders have been obeyed: the old woman, pretending to lock up her
prisoner, shot back the bolts, put down the chain, and left the door
ready for me to enter unheard.
Laura has her instructions. She is to pretend only, but not really, to
undress herself; and I bade her not lie down, lest she should drop
asleep. When she thinks it time, she is to glide round, steal the key,
and open the door.
I am fully prepared; am undressed, and ready for the combat. I have
made a mighty sacrifice! Youth, fortune, fame, all blasted; life
renounced, and infamy ascertained! It is but just then that I should
have full enjoyment of the fleeting bliss.
Surely this hussy sleeps? No!--I hear her stir!--She is at the door!
And now--!
Heaven and hell are leagued against me, to frustrate my success! Yet
succeed I will in their despite--'Tis now broad day, and here I am, in
the same chamber, encountered, reproved, scorned, frantic, and
defeated!
As soon as I heard Laura with the key in the door, I put out the
candles. She turned the lock, the door opened, and I sprang forward.
Blundering idiot as I was! I had forgotten to remove a chair, and
tumbled over it. The terrified Anna was up and out of bed in an
instant. The door opens inward to the bed-chamber. Her fear gave her
strength; she threw Laura away, and clapped to the door.
By this time I had risen, and was at it. I set my shoulder to it with a
sudden effort, and again it half opened. I pushed forward, but was
repelled with more than equal opposition. My left arm in the struggle
got wedged in the door: the pain was excessive, and the strength with
which she resisted me incredible. By a sudden shock I released my hand,
but not without bruising it very much, and tearing away the skin.
My last effort was returned by one more than equal on her part. But I
imagine she had set her foot against something which gave way, for she
suddenly came down, with a blow and a sound that made my heart shrink!
Still I endeavoured to profit by it, though not soon enough; for the
first moment I was too much alarmed. She could not feel pain or blows,
and rose instantaneously. I forced the door some little way, and she
then gave a single shriek!--It was a dreadful one--and was followed
by a repulse which I could not overcome. The door was closed, and
like lightning locked. I then heard her begin to pant and heave for
breath--After a few seconds she exclaimed--Clifton! You are a bad
man!... A treacherous, wicked man, and are seeking your own
destruction!... I am your prisoner, but I fear you not!... Mark me,
Clifton: I fear you not!
I hesitated some time: at last I ventured to ask... Are you hurt,
madam?
I do not know! I do not care! I value no hurt you can do me! I am above
harm from you!--Though you have recourse to perfidy and violence, yet I
defy you! In darkness or in light, I defy you!
Let me intreat you, madam, to retire to rest.
No! I will stand here all night! I will not move!
Upon my honour, madam, upon my soul, I will molest you no more to
night!