_Anna Wenbourne St. Ives to Louisa Clifton_
_The Lone House_
Once more, though but in imagination, let me converse with my friend. I
know it is delusion, but it was the sweet custom of our souls, and well
may be indulged. Ignorant perhaps of the cause, my Louisa is at this
moment accusing me of a neglect which my heart disavows. Let me as
usual give her the history of that heart: it is a theme from which she
has taught me to derive profit.
This is the fifth day of my confinement. I have the same walls, the
same windows and bars to contemplate; and the same bolting, and
locking, and clanking to hear. It is with difficulty that I can at some
few intervals divert my thoughts from the gloom which my own situation,
the distress of my family, and the danger of a youth so dear to virtue
contribute to inspire.
Nor do I know what at this moment may be the affliction of my friend.
Should she have heard, she cannot but discover the principal agent of
this dark plot; and exquisite indeed would be the anguish of her mind,
could she forget that fortitude and resignation are duties. May they
never be forgotten by me, during this my hour of trial!
My shoulder I fear has received some strain or hurt: the pain of it
continues to be great, and the inflammation is not abated. The bruises
on my arms have increased in blackness, and their tension is not in the
least diminished. The hands of those bad men must have been as rough
and callous as their hearts: they had no mercy in their gripe.
There is a lonesome stillness in this house, that favours the dismal
reveries which my situation suggests. If my handkerchief do but drop I
start; and the stirring of a mouse places Clifton full before me. Yet I
repel this weakness with all my force. I despise it. Nor shall these
crude visions, the hideous phantoms of the imagination, subdue that
fortitude in which I must wholly confide.
For these last two days, Laura has pretended to grieve at confinement:
but it is mimic sorrow; words of which the heart has no knowledge. She
perceives I suspect her, and her acting is but the more easily
detected.
I know not whether it be not my duty to determine to exclude her;
though that seems like cowardice. I think it is not in her power to
harm me; and for telling, if she have been false, she has done her
worst. I never made a practice of concealment, neither will I now have
recourse to such a fallacious expedient. Yet she sleeps in the same
chamber with me; and ought I not to beware of inspiring perfidy with
projects? 'Tis true my slumbers are broken, my nights restless, and the
cracking of the wainscot is as effectual in waking me as a thunder-clap
could be. I am resolved, however, to take the key out of the door, and
either hide it or hold it all night in my hand. Mischief is meant me,
or why am I here?
I am continually looking into the closets, behind the doors, and under
the beds and drawers. I am haunted by the supposition that I shall
every moment see this bad man start up before me! What know I of the
base engines he may employ, or the wicked arts to which he may have
recourse?
But he shall not subdue me! He may disturb me by day, and terrify me by
night; but he shall not subdue me! Shall the pure mind shake in the
presence of evil? Shall the fortitude which safety feels vanish at the
approach of danger?
Louisa, I will steel my soul to meet him! I know not how or when he
will come! I cannot tell what are the vile black instruments with which
he may work! Sleep I scarcely have any. I eat with hesitation, and
drink with trembling. I have heard of potions and base practices, that
make the heart shudder! Yet I sometimes think I could resist even
these. He shall not subdue me! Or if he do, it shall be by treachery
such as fiends would demur to perpetrate.
Why do I think thus of him? Surely, surely, he cannot be so lost as
this! Yet here I am! I own I tremble and recoil; but it is with the
dread that he should plunge himself so deep in guilt as never more to
rise!
Poor Frank! Where art thou? How are thy wretched thoughts employed? Or
art thou still allowed to think? Art thou among the living? If thou
art, what is thy state! Thine is now the misery of impotence, thou who
hast proved thyself so mighty in act! Thou wouldst not strike, thou
wouldst not injure; and yet thy foe would sink before thee, had he not
allied himself to perfidy, and had he but left thee free. His most
secret machinations could not have withstood thy searching spirit. Thou
wouldst have been here! These bolts would have flown, these doors would
have opened, and I should have seen my saviour!
He hears me not! Nor thou, Louisa! I am destitute of human aid!
Farewell, farewell! Ah! Farewell indeed; for I am talking to emptiness
and air!
Do I seem to speak with bitterness of heart? Is there enmity in my
words?--Surely I do not feel it! The spirit of benevolence and truth
allows, nay commands me to hate the vice; but not its poor misgoverned
agents. They are wandering in the maze of mistake. Ignorance and
passion are their guides, and doubt and desperation their tormentors.
Alas! Rancour and revenge are their inmates; be kindness and charity
mine.