_Coke Clifton to Guy Fairfax_
_London, Dover-Street_
Before you proceed with my letter, Fairfax, read the inclosed
paper![1]--Read!--The hand-writing is hers!--It is addressed to me! Was
repeated to me! Is transcribed for me!--Transcribed by herself!--Read!
And if it be possible believe in your own existence! Believe if you can
that all you see, all you hear, the images that swim before your eyes
and the world itself are real, and no delusion!--For my part I begin to
doubt!--Read!--Oh that I were invisible and standing by your side!
[Footnote 1: A copy given by Anna to Clifton, as she had promised him,
of all that she had said in her last conversation.]
Well!--Have you ended?--And do you still continue to breathe?--Are you
not a statue?--Would not the whole universe denounce me liar if,
knowing me, I were to tell it that words like these were not only
spoken to me but are written, lest I should forget the maddening
injuries they contain?--What! Make me her confessor?--Me?--No secret
sin, of thought, word, or deed, concealed!--All remembered, all
recited, all avowed!--Sins committed with the hated Henley!--Sins
against love, against Clifton!--Does she imagine I can look on a paper
like this and, while my eye shoots along the daring the insulting line,
not feel all the fires that now devour me?--Surely she is frantic!
These things, Fairfax, are above my comprehension! My I amazement must
be eternal, for I never shall be able to understand them.--What! Tell
me, Clifton, of her amorous debates with such a fellow? Appoint him her
head-usher over me? Announce him my rival? Meet my eye unabashed and
affirm him to be my superior? Inform me of the deep hold he has taken
of her heart? Own she kissed him?
Once again it is incredible! Nay most and still more incredible; for,
strange to say and yet more strange for her to do, even this received
such a varnish from her lips, her eyes, her beauties, her irradiating
zeal, that reason everlastingly renounce me if I scarcely knew, while
she spoke, whether it were not the history of some sylph, some heavenly
spirit she was reciting?
Yes, Fairfax! There was a moment, a short but dangerous moment, at
which so charmed was I by her eloquence, so amazed by her daring
sincerity, so moved by the white candour of a soul so seeming pure,
that, possessed by I know not what booby devil of generosity, I was on
the point of throwing myself at her feet, confessing the whole guilt of
my intents, and proclaiming myself her true and irrevocable convert!
And this before the breath that uttered these injuries was cold!
The siren!--All the beauteous witcheries that ever yet were said or
sung do not equal her!--Circe, Calypso, Morgana, fairy or goddess,
mortal or immortal, knew not to mix the magic cup with so much art!
Not that it was her arguments. What are they? It was her bright her
beaming eyes, her pouting beauteous lips, her palpitating ecstatic
bosom, her--I know not what, except that even this was not
all!--No!--There was something still more heavenly!--An emanating
deity!--The celestial effulgence of a divine soul, that flowed with
fervour almost convulsive!
Had you witnessed her elevated aspirations!--Such swelling passions so
mastered, so controlled, till then I never beheld! Like the slow pause
of the solemn death-bell, the big tear at stated periods dropped; but
dropped unheeded. Though she could not exclude them, her stoic soul
disdained to notice such intrusive guests!--Her whole frame shook with
the warfare between the feelings and the will--And well might it shake!
I went prepared, and lucky it was that I did. My fixed determination
was to be silent, that I might profit by what I should hear. That one
dangerous moment excepted, I was firm!--Firm!--Not to be moved; though
rocks would, had they listened!
Yes, Fairfax, I did my part. Not that I am certain that to fall at her
feet like a canting methodist, own myself the most reprobate of
wretches, whine out repentance, and implore forgiveness at the all
sufficient fountain of her mercy would not be the very way to impose
upon her best.
I begin indeed to be angry at myself for not having yet resolved on one
consistent plan. Schemes so numerous present themselves, and none
without its difficulties and objections, that to determine is no easy
task. Circumstances in part must guide me. I must have patience. At
present I can only prepare and keep in readiness such cumbrous engines
as this phlegmatic foggy land of beef and pudding can afford. I must
supply the fire, if I find it necessary to put the machines in motion.
But, having decreed her fall, my spirits are now alert, and there is
not a being that surrounds me to whom imagination does not assign a
possible part: and that the part should be well-suited to the person
must be my care.
My first exercise must be on myself. Apathy or the affectation of
apathy must be acquired--Inevitably must be--My passions must be
masked: I must pretend to have conquered them. In their naked and
genuine form they are indecent, immoral, impure, I know not what! But
catch a metaphysical quirk, and let vanity and dogmatic assertion stand
sponsors and baptize it _a truth_, and then raptures, extravagance, and
bigotry itself are deities! Be then as loud, as violent, as intolerant
as the most rancorous of zealots, and it is all the sublime ardour of
virtue.
Yes! I must learn to ape their contempt of all and every terrene
object, motive, and respect!
Inclose the strange paper I sent you and return it in your next. I sent
it in her own hand-writing, that your eyes might have full conviction.
I took a copy of it, but I have since recollected I may want the
original. The time may come when she may assail me with accusation and
complaint: I will then present that paper, and flash guilt upon her!
I am much deceived if I do not observe in this gardening and improving
knight a want of former cordiality, a decrease of ardour, and perhaps a
wish to retract--Why let him!--To the daughter's deadly sins let him
add new: it will but make invention more active, and revenge more keen!
I will have an eye upon him: I half hope my suspicions are true!
The aunt Wenbourne too still continues to give laud unto Mr.
Henley!--Damn Mr. Henley!--But she may be necessary; and, as she is
entirely governed by the gull Edward, I must submit to bring myself
into his favour. The thing may easily be done.
The lordly uncle Fitz-Allen is secure. I frequently dine with him on
what he calls his open day; he being overwhelmed with business, as
blockheads usually are; and I do not fail to insinuate the relationship
in which, if care be not taken, he may hereafter chance to stand to a
gardener's son. His face flames at the supposition, and his red nose
burns more bright! What will it do, should I make him my tool, when he
finds to what good purpose he has been an abettor? Be that his concern;
it neither is nor ever shall be mine.
But none of these are the exact agent I want; nor have I found him yet.
They at best can only act as auxiliaries. Laura indeed may be eminently
useful; but the plotting, daring, mischievous, malignant yet subaltern
imp incarnate, that should run, fly, dive, be visible and invisible,
and plunge through frost or fire to execute my behests, is yet to be
discovered.
Were I in Italy, disburse but a few sequins and battling legions would
move at my bidding: but here we have neither cicisbeos, carnivals,
confessors, bravoes nor sanctuaries. No--We have too few priests and
too much morality for our noble corps to flourish in full perfection.
I know not that all this may be necessary, but I suspect it will, and I
must prepare for the worst; for I will accomplish my purpose in despite
of hell or honesty!--Ay, Fairfax, will!--Gentle means, insinuation, and
hypocrisy shall be my first resource; and if these fail me, then I will
order my engines to play!
I have been once more reading my copy of this unaccountable paper, and
though every word is engraven in my memory, it dropped from my hand
with new astonishment! Her history of her Mr. Henley, the yearnings of
her heart toward him, and her unabashed justification of all she has
said, all she has thought and all she has done are not to be paralleled
in the records of female extravagance.
She comes however to the point at last--Calculation is in favour of
celibacy--For once, lady, you are in the right!--We may appear to agree
on cases more dubious, but on that it will be miraculous if we ever
hereafter differ.
I cannot but again applaud myself, for keeping my preconcerted
resolution of silence and reserve so firmly. I rejoice in my fortitude
and my foresight; for her efforts were so strenuous, and her emotions
so catching, that had I been less prepared all had been lost.