_Frank Henley to Oliver Trenchard_
_London, Grosvenor Street_
We have now been in London four days, Oliver; and, known places
reviving old ideas, it almost seems as if we had never moved from the
spot where we are at present. I fall into the same trains of thinking;
except that I am more restless, more inclined to melancholy, to
inaction, to a kind of inanity, which no trifling efforts can shake
off.
I have received thy letter, and find thy reasoning in some respects
similar to my own. I was ashamed of remaining in doubt, on a question
which only required a little extraordinary activity of mind to resolve.
It appears to me that nothing can be classed among falsehoods, except
those things the tendency of which is to generate falsehood, or
mistake. Consequently, not to tell what has passed to Clifton is acting
according to the dictates of truth: for, to tell would be to run an
imminent danger of false conclusions. Not, it is true, if the whole
could be told: that is, if all possible reasonings, and consequences,
could be fairly recollected, and stated. But memory is first to be
feared; and still more that prejudice which will not have the patience
to lend mute attention. I therefore think, with thee, that silence in
this case is truth.
We have been in some danger, owing to the drunkenness of the Deal
boatmen; but saved ourselves by a little exertion. One of the poor
inebriated wretches however was lost. We saw him only the instant of
his being washed overboard; and he was hurried away into the sea by the
recoiling waves, in the roaring of which his last cry was overpowered,
without our being able so much as to attempt to give him aid! By which
thou mayest judge that we ourselves were in considerable jeopardy.
When we reflect how near danger is to us, daily and hourly through
life, we are apt to wonder that we so continually escape. But, when we
again consider how easily even great dangers, that is such as take us
by surprise, may be warded off, the wonder ceases.
My mind, Oliver, is not at ease: it is too much haunted by fear. At
least I hope it is; for my fears are for one whom it is almost torture
to suppose in peril. Thou never knewest so enterprising, so encroaching
a youth as this Clifton! Nay I am deceived if encroachment be not
reduced to system with him; and, strong as her powers are, impossible
as I know it to be to shake her principles, yet, who can say what may
happen, in a moment of forgetfulness, or mistake, to a heart so pure,
so void of guile?
Such terrors are ridiculous, perhaps thou wilt say; and perhaps they
are; at least I most devoutly hope they are. But his temperament is
sanguine, his wishes restless, ungovernable, and I almost fear ominous,
and his passion for her is already far beyond the controul of reason,
to which indeed he thinks it ought not to be nor can be subject.
As for me, all is ended. Jealous I must not, no, I will not be! And
surely I am above the meanness of envy. Yet I own, Oliver, I sometimes
blame her. I think her too precipitate, too fearless, nay too ready to
imagine her power, her wondrous power, greater than it is. She makes no
secret of her thoughts, and she tells me that she and I, she doubts
not, shall transform him to all that we ourselves could desire. Be not
surprised at her kindness to me; for she has a heart that is all
benevolence, all friendship, all affection. If I can aid her, thou
needest not doubt my will. But Heaven grant she may not be
mistaken!--Heaven grant it!
And yet, I cannot say. I even sometimes hope and acquiesce; for his
talents are indeed extraordinary. But his pride, and the pitiless
revenge which he shews a constant propensity to take, when offended,
are dangerous symptoms.
For her, she seems to act from motives wholly different from those of
her age and sex. It is not passion, not love, such as it is usually
felt and expressed; it is a sense of duty, friendship for Louisa,
admiration of great talents, an ardent desire to give those talents
their full value, and the dignified pride she takes in restoring such a
mind to its proper rank. By these she is actuated, as all her words and
actions demonstrate.
Well, well, Oliver! She soars a flight that is more than mortal! But
she leaves a luminous track, that guides and invites, and I will
attempt to follow. Thou shall see me rise above the poor slavish wishes
that would chain me to earth!--
Oliver, my mind, like a bow continually bent, is too much upon the
stretch. Such is the effect of my situation, of which my thoughts, my
language, and my actions partake. But I will calm this agitation. Fear
not: thou shall find me worthy to be thy friend, and the pupil of thy
most excellent father.
No! I will not, Oliver, be a child; though the contest be indeed
severe. By day I am with her; for hours I listen, while she sings, or
plays, or speaks. I am a witness of her actions! Her form is never
absent from me! The sound of her voice is unceasing harmony to my ears!
At night, retiring to darkness and thought, I pass her chamber door! In
the morning again I behold the place where all that is heavenly rests!
I endeavour after apathy. I labour to be senseless, stupid, an idiot! I
strain to be dead to supreme excellence! But it is the stone of
Sisyphus, and I am condemned to eter--!
Indeed, Oliver, his weakness is momentary! Indeed it is--Fear not: thou
shall find me a man; be assured thou shalt. Though the furies, or,
worse than all that invention can feign, the passions throng to assault
me, I will neither fly nor yield. For to do either would be to desert
myself, my principles, my duties.
Yet this encroaching spirit that I told thee of!--But then, what is the
strength of him, compared to hers? What is there to fear? What do I
fear? Why create horrible shadows, purposely to encounter them?--No: it
cannot be!
Farewell.