_Abimelech Henley to Frank Henley_
_Wenbourne-Hill_
Here's a hippistle! Here's tantarums! Here's palaver! Want to pick my
pocket? Rob me? And so an please ee he's my dutyfool and fekshinait
son! Duty fool, indeed? I say fool--Fool enough! And yet empty enough
God he knoweth! You peery? You a lurcher? You know how to make your 3
farthins shine, and turn your groats into guineas?--Why you're a noodl!
A green horn! A queezee quaumee pick thank pump kin! A fine younk lady
is willin to come down with the kole, and the hulver headed hulk wants
to raise the wind on his own father! You face the philistins! Why they
will bite the nose off a your face!
Thirty pounds too! The mercy be good unto me! Me thirty pounds! Where
must I get thirty pounds! Does the joult head think I coin? Would he
have me go on the highway? Who ever giv'd me thirty pounds? Marry come
up! Thirty pounds? Why I came to Wenbourne-Hill with thrums immee
pouch. Not a brass farthin more. And now show me the he or the
hurr--Shiner for shiner--Hool a cry hold first?--Thos as to the matter
of that, younker, why that's a nether here nor there; that's a nothink
to you dolt. I never axt you for nothink. Who begottee and sentee into
the world but I? Who found ee in bub and grub but I? Didn'tee run about
as ragged as any colt o' the common, and a didn't I find duddz for ee?
And what diddee ever do for me? Diddee ever addle half an ounce in your
life without being well ribb rostit? Tongue pad me indeed! Ferrit and
flickur at me! Rite your hippistles and gospels! I a butturd my
parsnips finely! Am I a to be hufft and snufft o' this here manner, by
a sir jimmee jingle brains of my own feedin and breedin? Am I to be
ramshaklt out of the super nakullums in spite o' my teeth? Yea and go
softly! I crack the nut and you eat the kernel!
I tellee once again you've an addle pate o' your own! Go to France to
learn to dance, to be sure! Better stay at home and learn to
transmogrify a few kink's picters into your pocket. No marry come
fairly! Squire Nincompoop! He would not a sifflicate Sir Arthur, and
advise him to stay at home, and so keep the rhino for the roast meat!
He would not a take his cue, a dunder pate! A doesn't a know so much as
his a, b, c! A hasn't so much as a single glimm of the omnum gathrum in
his noddl! And pretends to hektur and doktur me! Shave a cow's tail and
a goat's chin, an you want hair.
And then again what did I say to ee about missee? What did I say?
Didn't I as good as tellee witch way she cast a sheepz i? That indeed
would a be summut! An you will jig your heels amunk the jerry cum
poopz, you might a then dance to some tune. I a warruntee I a got all a
my i teeth imme head. What doesn't I know witch way the wind sets when
I sees the chimblee smoke? To be sure I duz; as well with a wench as a
weather-cock! Didn't I tellee y'ad a more then one foot i'the stirrup?
She didn't a like to leave her jack in a bandbox behind her; and so
missee forsooth forgot her tom-tit, and master my jerry whissle an
please you galloped after with it. And then with a whoop he must amble
to Lunnun; and then with a halloo he must caper to France! She'll
deposit the rhino; yet Nicodemus has a no notion of a what she'd be at!
If you've a no wit o' your own, learn a little of folks that have some
to spare. You'll never a be worth a bawbee o' your own savin. I tellee
that. And ast for what's mine why it's my own. So take me ritely, now
is your time to look about ee. Then indeed! If so, why so be it; yea ay
and amen, a God's name, say I. The fool a held his mouth open, and a
down a droppt the plumb.
Not after all that it would a be any sitch a mighty mirakkillus catch
nether, as I shall manage matters mayhap. But that's a nether here nor
there. And so you know my mind. Take it or leave it or let it alone.
It's all a won to I. Thos and I gives all this here good advice for
nothink at all, what do I get by it? Give me but the wide world and one
and 20, with 5 farthins ten fingurs and a tongue, and a turn me adrift
to morrow; I'de a work my way: I'de a fear nether wind nor weather. For
why? I'de a give any man a peck of sweet words for a pint of honey.
What! Shall I let the lock rustee for a want of a little oilin? Haven't
I a told ee often and often, that a glib tongue, smooth and softly,
always with the grain, is worth a kink's kinkddum?
So mind a what ee be at. Play your cards out kuninlee; and then, why if
so be as thinks should turn up trumps, why we shall see. That is, take
me ritely; and I has a no notion that ee should take it into your nobb
noddl that I means to suppose that I shall come down with the dust. No
forsooth! For what and for why and for wherefore? We shall see--Why ay
to be sure!--But what shall we see? Why we shall see how generous and
how kappaishus my younker will be, to his poor old father: we shall see
that.
Not but if the ready be wantin, plump do you see me, down on the nail
head, and if Sir Arthur should a say as it must be so, why so. Mayhap
we--But I tell ee again and again that's a nether here nor there.
Besides leave me to hummdudgin Sir Arthur. Mind you your hitts with
missee, I'll a foistee fubb he.
And so now show your affection for all this my lovin kindness and
mercy; and crown my latter days with peace and joy, witch nothink can
xseed but the joys of heaven in his glory everlastin, witch is a
preparin for me and for all kristshun soles, glory and onnur and power
and praise and thanks givin, world without end, for ever and ever, God
be good unto us, and grant us his salvation; amen, and it be his holy
will.