Her mother had some secret that she couldn’t share. She was wonderful
in her pure, high serenity. Surely she had some secret. She said he was
closer to her now than he had ever been. And in her correct, precise
answers to the letters of condolence Harriett wrote: “I feel that he is
closer to us now than he ever was.” But she didn’t really feel it. She
only felt that to feel it was the beautiful and proper thing. She looked
for her mother’s secret and couldn’t find it.
Meanwhile Mr. Hichens had given them six weeks. They had to decide where
they would go: into Devonshire or into a cottage at Hampstead where
Sarah Barmby lived now.
Her mother said, “Do you think you’d like to live in Sidmouth, near Aunt
Harriett?”
They had stayed one summer at Sidmouth with Aunt Harriett. She
remembered the red cliffs, the sea, and Aunt Harriett’s garden stuffed
with flowers. They had been happy there. She thought she would love
that: the sea and the red cliffs and a garden like Aunt Harriett’s.
But she was not sure whether it was what her mother really wanted. Mamma
would never say. She would have to find out somehow.
“Well--what do you think?”
“It would be leaving all your friends, Hatty.”
“My friends--yes. But----”
Lizzie and Sarah and Connie Pennefather. She could live without them.
“Oh, there’s Mrs. Hancock.”
“Well----” Her mother’s voice suggested that if she were put to it she
could live without Mrs. Hancock.
And Harriett thought: She does want to go to Sidmouth then.
“It would be very nice to be near Aunt Harriett.”
She was afraid to say more than that lest she should show her own wish
before she knew her mother’s.
“Aunt Harriett. Yes.... But it’s very far away, Hatty. We should be cut
off from everything. Lectures and concerts. We couldn’t afford to come
up and down.”
“No. We couldn’t.”
She could see that Mamma did not really want to live in Sidmouth;
she didn’t want to be near Aunt Harriett; she wanted the cottage at
Hampstead and all the things of their familiar, intellectual life going
on and on. After all, that was the way to keep near to Papa, to go on
doing the things they had done together.
Her mother agreed that it was the way.
“I can’t help feeling,” Harriett said, “it’s what he would have wished.”
Her mother’s face was quiet and content. She hadn’t guessed.
They left the white house with the green balcony hung out like a
birdcage at the side, and turned into the cottage at Hampstead. The
rooms were small and rather dark, and the furniture they had brought had
a squeezed-up, unhappy look. The blue egg on the marble-topped table
was conspicuous and hateful as it had never been in the Black’s Lane
drawing-room. Harriett and her mother looked at it.
“Must it stay there?”
“I think so. Fanny Hancock gave it me.”
“Mamma--you know you don’t like it.”
“No. But after all these years I couldn’t turn the poor thing away.”
Her mother was an old woman, clinging with an old, stubborn fidelity to
the little things of her past. But Harriett denied it. “She’s not old,”
she said to herself. “Not really old.”
“Harriett,” her mother said one day. “I think you ought to do the
housekeeping.”
“Oh, Mamma, why?” She hated the idea of this change.
“Because you’ll have to do it some day.”
She obeyed. But as she went her rounds and gave her orders she felt that
she was doing something not quite real, playing at being her mother
as she had played when she was a child. Then her mother had another
thought.
“Harriett, I think you ought to see more of your friends, dear.”
“Why?”
“Because you’ll want them after I’m gone.”
“I shall never _want_ anybody but you.”
And their time went as it had gone before: in sewing together, reading
together, listening to lectures and concerts together. They had told
Sarah that they didn’t want anybody to call. They were Hilton Frean’s
wife and daughter. “After our wonderful life with him,” they said,
“you’ll understand, Sarah, that we don’t want people.” And if Harriett
was introduced to any stranger she accounted for herself arrogantly: “My
father was Hilton Frean.”
They were collecting his _Remains_ for publication.
Months passed, years passed, going each one a little quicker than the
last. And Harriett was thirty-nine.
One evening, coming out of church, her mother fainted. That was the
beginning of her illness, February, eighteen eighty-three. First came
the long months of weakness; then the months and months of sickness;
then the pain; the pain she had been hiding, that she couldn’t hide any
more.
They knew what it was now: that horrible thing that even the doctors
were afraid to name. They called it “something malignant.” When the
friends--Mrs. Hancock, Connie Pennefather, Lizzie, and Sarah--called to
inquire, Harriett wouldn’t tell them what it was; she pretended that she
didn’t know, that the doctors weren’t sure; she covered it up from them
as if it had been a secret shame. And they pretended that they didn’t
know. But they knew.
They were talking now about an operation. There was one chance for her
in a hundred if they had Sir James Pargeter: one chance. She might die
of it; she might die under the anæsthetic; she might die of shock; she
was so old and weak. Still, there was that one chance, if only she would
take it.
But her mother wouldn’t listen. “My dear, it would cost a hundred
pounds.”
“How do you know what it would cost?”
“Oh,” she said, “I know.” She was smiling above the sheet that was
tucked close up, tight under her chin, shutting it all down.
Sir James Pargeter would cost a hundred pounds. Harriett couldn’t lay
her hands on the money or on half of it or a quarter. “That doesn’t
matter if they think it’ll save you.”
“They _think;_ they think. But I _know._ I know better than all the
doctors.”
“But Mamma, darling----”
She urged the operation. Just because it would be so difficult to raise
the hundred pounds she urged it. She wanted to feel that she had done
everything that could be done, that she had let nothing stand in the
way, that she had shrunk from no sacrifice. One chance in a hundred.
What was a hundred pounds weighed against that one chance? If it had
been one in a thousand she would have said the same.
“It would be no good, Hatty. I know it wouldn’t. They just love to try
experiments, those doctors. They’re dying to get their knives into me.
Don’t _let_ them.”
Gradually, day by day, Harriett weakened. Her mother’s frightened
voice tore at her, broke her down. Supposing she really died under the
operation? Supposing---- It was cruel to excite and upset her just for
that; it made the pain worse.
Either the operation or the pain, going on and on, stabbing with sharper
and sharper knives; cutting in deeper; all their care, the antiseptics,
the restoratives, dragging it out, giving it more time to torture her.
When the three friends came, Harriett said, “I shall be glad and
thankful when it’s all over. I couldn’t want to keep her with me, just
for this.”
Yet she did want it. She was thankful every morning that she came to her
mother’s bed and found her alive, lying there, looking at her with her
wonderful smile. She was glad because she still had her.
And now they were giving her morphia. Under the torpor of the drug
her face changed; the muscles loosened, the flesh sagged, the widened,
swollen mouth hung open; only the broad beautiful forehead, the
beautiful calm eyebrows were the same; the face, sallow white, half
imbecile, was a mask flung aside. She couldn’t bear to look at it; it
wasn’t her mother’s face; her mother had died already under the morphia.
She had a shock every time she came in and found it still there.
On the day her mother died she told herself she was glad and thankful.
She met her friends with a little quiet, composed face, saying, “I’m
glad and thankful she’s at peace.” But she wasn’t thankful; she wasn’t
glad. She wanted her back again. And she reproached herself, one minute
for having been glad, and the next for wanting her.
She consoled herself by thinking of the sacrifices she had made, how she
had given up Sidmouth, and how willingly she would have paid the hundred
pounds.
“I sometimes think, Hatty,” said Mrs. Hancock, melancholy and condoling,
“that it would have been very different if your poor mother could have
had her wish.”
“What--what wish?”
“Her wish to live in Sidmouth, near your Aunt Harriett.”
And Sarah Barmby, sympathizing heavily, stopping short and brooding,
trying to think of something to say: “If the operation had only been
done three years ago when they _knew_ it would save her----”
“Three years ago? But we didn’t know anything about it then.”
“_She_ did.... Don’t you remember? It was when I stayed with her.... Oh,
Hatty, didn’t she tell you?”
“She never said a word.”
“Oh, well, she wouldn’t hear of it, even then when they didn’t give her
two years to live.”
Three years? She had had it three years ago. She had known about it all
that time. Three years ago the operation would have saved her; she would
have been here now. Why had she refused it when she knew it would save
her?
She had been thinking of the hundred pounds.
To have known about it three years and said nothing--to have gone
believing she hadn’t two years to live----
_That_ was her secret. That was why she had been so calm when Papa died.
She had known she would have him again so soon. Not two years----
“If I’d been them,” Lizzie was saying, “I’d have bitten my tongue out
before I told you. It’s no use worrying, Hatty. You did everything that
could be done.”
“I know. I know.”
She held up her face against them; but to herself she said that
everything had not been done. Her mother had never had her wish. And she
had died in agony, so that she, Harriett, might keep her hundred pounds.