travel with them through the various crises of life in which we both
participate, we may have the reassurance that we are doing a great work,
the full meaning of which we may not be able to see at the moment.
Furthermore, we may be reassured that we are participating in the work
of God in the world and engaged in the true ministry of the church in
the world. When there is this living that awakens and renews trust, the
formal teaching and religious observances of the church both receive and
give additional meaning.
_Sense of Autonomy_
The second objective of love is the achievement of a sense of autonomy.
We said earlier that as the child begins to take that which is given to
him, he begins to distinguish between himself and others, and thereby to
become a separate person. In so doing, he begins to achieve some degree
of autonomy as an independent person. This second task is made easier
for him, if he is able to approach it with a sense of trust. The need
for a sense of trust in the achievement of autonomy becomes apparent
once we recognize what this second task involves. It introduces the
child into a conflict of interests. On the one hand, he needs the
constant care, supervision, and love of his parents; and on the other
hand, he needs to assert his own will and stand over against his parents
as a separate person. He both needs to be a part of the mother and
distinct from her. The conflict between these needs increases as the
individual becomes a person.
This process, however, often results in a warfare of unequal wills
between the child and the parent. The child himself is capable of
violent drives which frighten him and which he is unable to control; and
the parent can be provoked to emotional responses that escape his
control and are frightening. The relationship between them, therefore,
may become one in which each is seeking to dominate and control the
other. This pattern occurs in all relationships and is often observed in
marriage, where, by various kinds of behavior, each partner seeks to
control the other.
The muscular mechanism basic to the achievement of autonomy is the
mechanism of holding on and letting go. By the employment of it, the
individual begins to be aware of his powers as a separate person.
Awareness of these powers and of the possibilities inherent in them
precipitates the struggle between him and others. A child can be very
pliable or very stubborn in his holding on or letting go, and it is not
long before parents discover that they cannot make a child do something
that he will not do. At this point, the parent's own maturity in the
employment of the same mechanisms will determine how he will respond to
the child's stubborn and often hostile efforts to achieve autonomy.
As people mature, the holding-on and letting-go tension is transferred
from the muscular to the emotional and psychological. If adults have
achieved a relaxed attitude, they will be able to provide the child with
firmness, and at the same time allow him some freedom in determining his
own action. An environment of freedom and authority will help him
achieve a balance between love and hate, co-operation and willfulness.
An early sense of trust, we see, is necessary for the development of
autonomy. Without trust the child will not feel free to struggle, as he
must, for its achievement. He will not feel free, because he does not
have faith either in himself or in his world, in relation to which he
must struggle.
The objective of love, therefore, is to provide a relationship of
firmness and tolerance within which a child may become autonomous and
acquire a sense of self-control, self-esteem, and relationship with
others. Otherwise he may suffer loss of confidence in himself and become
skeptical of others, a result which can be the fruit of either
restrictive discipline or unstructured freedom.
The achievement of a sense of autonomy must always remain relative, and
will vary from individual to individual. As we have seen, there is no
fixed norm for human behavior, and the best sense of autonomy that
anyone can possibly achieve is one in which there is a mixture of
co-operation and willfulness, of love and hostility. We can only hope
and pray that as we all mature our autonomy will be employed with
creative good will, and that it will be capable of dealing with the
results of our hostility and stubbornness.
Although our sense of autonomy appears during our second and third year
of life, its further development depends upon our relationship with
others. Furthermore, its employment has other arenas than that of family
life. The dialogue from which autonomy grows moves out of family and
into the neighborhood. It is quickened and disciplined by entrance into
school, is heated and tempered by the development of social life,
especially by the dialogue between the sexes when the need to surrender
oneself to the other meets the needs of each to be oneself.
Finally, the autonomy of the individual is sure to be challenged by the
complexities and organization of modern industrial society. More and
more the individual is being caught in the intricacies of a process in
which his sense of autonomy and initiative is violated. The problems of
the social order are so massive that the interests of the individual
often are sacrificed. Increasingly, people are unable to endure the
frustrations caused by their social, political, and industrial
environment, and develop neurotic responses in which their aggressions
are turned in on themselves. The autonomy and initiative that once
belonged to the individual have been transferred to the social order,
with the result that instead of individuals receiving their direction
from within, they now receive it from without, with the inevitable
demand for conformity, in which the integrity of the individual is apt
to be sacrificed. Every time he turns on his radio or television set,
his autonomy is assaulted by all kinds of pressures.
This condition presents education and religion with peculiar
challenges. In order to minister to the world, it is necessary that one
participate in the life of the world and share its problems as did our
Lord. But if we are to be the instrument of God's purpose in the work of
the world, it will be necessary for us to have a sense of autonomy and a
power of independence. This is what it means to be in the world but not
of the world.
One of the objectives of love, therefore, is so to live with one
another, especially with our children, that out of that relationship we
may emerge with such a power of being as a person that we shall be able
to face the complexities, pressures, deprivations, and dangers of modern
life. Our aim is to help the child become a responsible participant in
the crucial issues of life, and to preserve his integrity as a deciding
person. The answer to his questions, Who am I? and Who are you?, will
then be: I am what I will, and you are what you will; and our
relationship is one of mutuality in which each will call forth the
other. If the awakening of a sense of autonomy is an objective of love,
it is also the objective of the church's life, its teaching, and its
evangelistic endeavor. Without power of autonomy and independence,
Christians will be mere conformists and maintainers of the _status quo_.
_Sense of Initiative_
The third objective of love is to help the individual achieve a sense of
initiative. At the age of four or five, a child is faced with his next
crisis and must take his next big step. He must find out what kind of
person he is going to be. His search will be strengthened by his
experience of trust, and by whatever power of autonomy he has. Dr.
Erikson points out that he wants to be like his parents who seem very
wonderful to him, but who, at the same time, present him with very real
threats. During this age he plays at being his parents. According to Dr.
Erikson, there are three strong developments which help him, but which
also contribute to his crisis. "First, he learns to move around more
freely and more violently, and therefore establishes a wider, and so it
seems to him, an unlimited radius of goals. Two, his sense of language
becomes perfected to the point where he understands and can ask about
many things just enough to misunderstand them thoroughly; and three,
both language and locomotion permit him to expand his imagination over
so many things that he cannot avoid frightening himself with what he
himself has dreamed and thought up. Nevertheless, out of all this he
must emerge with a sense of unbroken initiative as a basis for a high,
and yet realistic, sense of ambition and independence."[19]
Initiative is the power that moves the individual to take over the role
of others; the boy, his father; the girl, her mother; later as the
driver of the car, and later still, leadership roles of various kinds.
The struggles in the process are accompanied by feelings of anxiety, of
inadequacy, and of guilt. Feelings of inadequacy in relation to the size
and powers of the adult can be considerable; and the feelings of guilt,
in response to the daydreams about replacing Daddy, for instance, are
crucial, and too often are unrecognized by many parents and teachers.
They need to recognize and accept the developmental reasons for the
child's preoccupations and fantasies about himself in relation to them
and their roles and functions. Furthermore, it is entirely appropriate
for him to be physically aggressive toward others, to overwhelm them
with his incessant chattering, his aggressive getting into things, and
his insatiable curiosity about everything. The objective of love at this
time is to provide the child with a reasonable freedom within which to
develop his initiative with a minimum sense of guilt in relation to its
exercise, and with the hope that by so doing he will become a person
whose creativity will not be frustrated by an overdeveloped sense of
guilt.
In contrast, many people are embarrassed by recognition of their
achievements, and are prevented from achievement because of guilt
feelings that block their creative efforts. Unfortunately, too much
religious teaching has made people feel guilty about initiative and
aggressiveness, both of which can be expressed creatively. From
childhood on, lives are hedged about by prohibitions in relation to
persons bearing authority, by belittling attitudes toward themselves and
toward their drives to compete and to get ahead, so that people become
self-restricted and are kept from living up to their inner capacities or
from using their powers of imagination and feeling. While some withdraw
into a dull kind of existence, others overcompensate in a great show of
tireless initiative and a quality of "go-at-it-iveness" at all costs.
These people often overdo to a point where they can never relax, and
they feel that their worth as people consists entirely in what they are
doing rather than in what they are.
The objective of love is to help the child accept the necessary
structures, authorities, and personal roles in relation to which he must
live, so that he may grow in his capacity to love persons and to use
things. During this stage of life, children often turn to other adults
for companionship and guidance. They do so because the conflicts between
themselves and these new adults do not seem to be as great as with their
own parents. They need these "fresh" relationships where they can
exercise initiative without too much conflict and guilt. Here the school
and church, with its trained teachers and workers, have an opportunity
to supplement, and even to correct, the experiences that children are
having at home. We should remember, however, that the identifications
with the parent are important, and that the experiences the youngsters
are having with others should be of a complementary nature, even if they
also are corrective.
Another and supplementary objective of love is the provision of a
relationship by parents or others in which a spirit of equality makes
possible an experience of doing things together, instead of a
relationship in which the child has to compete unequally with the adult.
Fathers, for instance, may be of great help to their sons. Boys are apt
to feel that their fathers are too big, too powerful, and too skillful;
but if the father will base the relationship on some interest or
experience common to them both, the boy has an opportunity to grow in
initiative and to develop his capacities without a sense of unequal
competition.
The answer to the child's questions. Who am I? and Who are you?, will
then be: I am what I conceive myself to be, and you are what I conceive
you to be according to my understanding of how you have revealed
yourself. At this particular time in the development of the individual,
there begin to be formed the powerful images of ourselves and others
that aid or hinder our relationship with one another.
_Sense of Industry_
A fourth objective of love is to help the individual to a sense of
industry, for the child has now become a busy little person who needs to
learn how to be busy with things and persons. A child's "busyness"
begins with his play. Children play separately at first. In their
youngest years, they may sit apart in the same room, each playing with
his own things, and each oblivious of the other except when one may
discover that the other has something he wants. Later, as they grow and
mature, there begins what we call parallel play. They play along side of
each other. Now they are aware of each other, and each keeps an eye on
his playmate. Their separate playing seems to have an influence on the
other in that they imitate each other. Then, at a still later stage,
they begin to play together. The high point of this achievement, still
later, is team play, which begins in adolescence or even earlier.
Now begins the capacity for directed fellowship. The fellowship of a
team is to be respected. Membership on the team may mean more to the boy
than membership in his church, and this may cause ministers, parents,
and teachers considerable anxiety. Instead, they should relax and be
glad for the youngster's experience, because team play is providing him
with an experience of relationship that later will become the basis for
his understanding of the ultimate meaning of all relationships. They
should accept the youngster's experience and use it creatively, to help
him understand the nature of the church, our relationship as brothers,
and the "captaincy" of Christ.
In team play, also, we see the occurrence of something that is very much
a part of Christian character. In order for there to be team play, it is
necessary for every member of the team to die to the desire in him to
be the whole show. A mature team member has learned that his strength
and skills depend on the strength and skills of others. This is the
theology of the playground. What has been learned in play may be
translated into work. Then, since a man's work is one of the great
spheres in which he may exercise his ministry as a representative of
Christ, the learning of this profound lesson in the process of play is
an important part of his religious education. And it can be religious,
even though it may not be learned in the formal church.
The transition from play to work takes place gradually. Children become
dissatisfied with play and make-believe, and have a growing need to be
useful, to make things well, and, therefore, to acquire a sense of
industry. They also learn to win recognition by producing things.
Through play they advance to new stages of real mastery in the use of
toys and things, and learn to master experience by meditation,
experimenting, and planning. The home, the school, and the church should
try to help them to make this transition easily in order that they may
develop this sense of industry without a sense of inadequacy. If they
are pushed too strenuously to produce, a sense of inadequacy may result,
especially when they still want to be cuddled and cared for. Family life
has the responsibility of preparing the youngsters for school, where, in
the context of their play experiences, they accept the disciplines of
work. Relaxed teachers are needed who understand the process by which
children learn to move from play to work, and who can encourage them to
make this transition without either sparing them the needed disciplines
or imposing them too strenuously. Here we see an area in which the role
of the family and the role of the school are complementary.
The acquisition of a sense of industry is a decisive step in learning to
do things with others and alongside others. This will become a major
source of satisfaction and the area of his greatest service.
_Sense of Identity_
A fifth objective of love is to nurture in the human being a sense of
identity which is acquired and consolidated in a new way during
adolescence. Dr. Erikson describes identity as the "accrued confidence
that one's ability to maintain inner sameness and continuity is matched
by the sameness and continuity of one's meaning for others."[20]
As an individual develops and acquires skills, he thinks of himself as
one who can do things, and his important people may hold a variety of
expectations of him: "He's clumsy," "He never can do anything right";
or, "I can always count on him," "He's got the right stuff in him." Out
of his achievements and the attitudes of others toward him, his sense of
self-esteem and prestige is built, little by little. As crisis after
crisis is passed and the individual meets each of them with reasonable
resourcefulness and receives the encouragement and recognition of
others, he begins to believe in himself, to have a consistent
expectation of what he will do in the face of various circumstances and
relationships. In this way he begins to acquire a style of living which
is his own and which contributes to his sense of identity and to others'
identification of him.
In the achievement of a sense of self-identity, the child needs models
with which to identify himself. Especially is this true during his
adolescence. He needs association with men who are clear about being
men, and women who are clear about being women, and who are capable of
and practice a reasonably wholesome relationship with each other. He
needs men and women who have convictions, who can distinguish between
right and wrong, who hold these convictions firmly, and yet not rigidly.
He needs guides and counselors who can help him bring together and
concentrate his various and fluctuating drives and interests, and who
are not dismayed or misled by the inconsistencies and fluctuations that
may accompany his development. He needs help in choosing a job, because
self-identification is dependent upon some kind of occupational
identity. Finally, he needs help in acquiring, as a part of his sense of
self-identity, a sense of vocation, of being called to something that is
greater than himself, which will draw him forth as a participant in the
deepest meaning of life. The providing of this kind of relationship to
help the individual acquire an indispensable sense of identity is
another of love's objectives.
Unfortunately, however, in our complex and technical society, the models
after which the youngsters may now pattern themselves are not as clear
as they might be. People are having to undergo tremendous adjustments in
a time of rapid technical growth, as a result of which their image of
the world in which they live is changing; producing, therefore,
uncertainties in themselves, and making it more difficult for
adolescents. Our changing age creates many difficulties for changing
adolescents. Cultural conditions often force young people to band
together in groups or movements that provide them with a point of focus
by means of which they stereotype themselves and their ideals. This is
one way in which they acquire stability and a sense of direction. We
need, however, to be tolerant of this and to recognize its purpose; we
need to realize also that if we provide them with alternatives, their
need for these stereotypes may disappear.
The church has a special role here. Most of the committee whose
discussion we read in Chapter I, gave no evidence of being able to
provide young people with the kind of models they need, for there was
nothing heroic, clear-cut, or creative about them. Their faith was
defensive, and it did not deal with the realities of life. Young people
turn away from that kind of "religion." And quite rightly. They need men
and women whose religion, instead of being a defense against life,
provides them with the courage to move into life and become a part of
it, to accept its problems and wrestle honestly for its meanings; whose
style of Christian living is not compulsive, but liberated; not
pretentious, but honest; whose reverence for God is not confined to the
sanctuary, but is exhibited in responsible relations with people. They
need models who, because of their religious faith, are able to admit
when they are wrong and can ask for forgiveness without feeling a loss
of personal dignity. They need religious teachers who can portray, both
by word and by example, the great personalities of the tradition, the
heroes and saints; teachers who are clear about what their contribution
really is, who can make clear to youth the heroism of a man of faith and
let it stand forth without all the confusions of superstitious
veneration. They need a church and religious teachers and members that
have a sense of mission, a reason and purpose for living that is related
to all the exciting meanings of human life, instead of being concerned
with such irrelevancies as churchism, parochialism, institutionalism,
and other modern idols. In the context of this kind of example,
adolescents, even in complex, modern, industrial America with all its
confused values, will have the aid they need in order to move through
the intricacies of their development and emerge with a sense of personal
identity and a capacity for relationship.
_Sense of Integrity_
A final objective of love is to help the individual, who by now has
become an adolescent and is fast approaching the threshold of adult
life, to achieve a sense of integrity. The acquisition of the senses of
trust, autonomy, initiative, industry, and identity through the years of
his development should prepare him for responsible living with himself
and others. Much depends, as we have seen, on the ability and
willingness of those in his environment to accept, respond to, and guide
him. But there is still unfinished business with which we must help him;
namely, the achievement of a sense of integrity.
A sense of integrity includes a capacity for intimacy with others. More
than sexual intimacy is meant, although that is of more importance than
many religious people want to admit. For the moment, however, we are
thinking of intimacy in a general sense, of our capacity to participate
in the meanings of one another's lives, to fuse into relationships
without losing our respective identities. We see young people striving
to achieve this kind of relation with each other through their talking
things over endlessly, by confessing what one feels like and what the
other seems like, and by sharing dreams, ideals, and ambitions. Where
this is not achieved by early adulthood, the individual may find himself
separated from others except for formal and stereotyped interpersonal
relations.
Only the person who is capable of intimacy can become a partner in any
relationship. People who marry with the hope of achieving the power of
intimacy are often disappointed, because mutually fulfilling sexual
intimacy requires a capacity for personal intimacy. What we are trying
to say here is that before one can become a partner, one must first be a
person. With this we have reached a kind of summary in the development
of our thesis which might be stated as follows: A person is called into
being out of relationship, but the person in his separateness is
necessary to the achievement of a new relationship.