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THE
LADIES' BOOK OF ETIQUETTE,
AND
MANUAL OF POLITENESS.
A COMPLETE HAND BOOK FOR THE USE OF THE LADY IN POLITE SOCIETY.
CONTAINING
FULL DIRECTIONS FOR CORRECT MANNERS, DRESS, DEPORTMENT, AND CONVERSATION;
RULES FOR THE DUTIES OF BOTH HOSTESS AND GUEST
IN MORNING RECEPTIONS, DINNER COMPANIES, VISITING, EVENING
PARTIES AND BALLS; A COMPLETE GUIDE FOR LETTER
WRITING AND CARDS OF COMPLIMENT; HINTS
ON MANAGING SERVANTS, ON THE PRESERVATION
OF HEALTH, AND ON ACCOMPLISHMENTS.
AND ALSO
USEFUL RECEIPTS FOR THE COMPLEXION, HAIR, AND WITH HINTS
AND DIRECTIONS FOR THE CARE OF THE WARDROBE.
BY
FLORENCE HARTLEY,
AUTHOR OF THE "LADIES' HAND BOOK OF FANCY AND ORNAMENTAL WORK."
BOSTON:
G. W. COTTRELL, PUBLISHER,
36 Cornhill.
Entered according to the Act of Congress, in the year 1860, by
G. G. EVANS,
in the Clerk's Office of the District Court for the Eastern District of
Pennsylvania.
INTRODUCTION.
In preparing a book of etiquette for ladies, I would lay down as the
first rule, "Do unto others as you would others should do to you." You
can never be rude if you bear the rule always in mind, for what lady
likes to be treated rudely? True Christian politeness will always be the
result of an unselfish regard for the feelings of others, and though you
may err in the ceremonious points of etiquette, you will never be
impolite.
Politeness, founded upon such a rule, becomes the expression, in
graceful manner, of social virtues. The spirit of politeness consists in
a certain attention to forms and ceremonies, which are meant both to
please others and ourselves, and to make others pleased with us; a still
clearer definition may be given by saying that politeness is goodness of
heart put into daily practice; there can be no _true_ politeness without
kindness, purity, singleness of heart, and sensibility.
Many believe that politeness is but a mask worn in the world to conceal
bad passions and impulses, and to make a show of possessing virtues not
really existing in the heart; thus, that politeness is merely hypocrisy
and dissimulation. Do not believe this; be certain that those who
profess such a doctrine are practising themselves the deceit they
condemn so much. Such people scout politeness, because, to be truly a
lady, one must carry the principles into every circumstance of life,
into the family circle, the most intimate friendship, and never forget
to extend the gentle courtesies of life to every one. This they find too
much trouble, and so deride the idea of being polite and call it
deceitfulness.
True politeness is the language of a good heart, and those possessing
that heart will never, under any circumstances, be rude. They may not
enter a crowded saloon gracefully; they may be entirely ignorant of the
_forms_ of good society; they may be awkward at table, ungrammatical in
speech; but they will never be heard speaking so as to wound the
feelings of another; they will never be seen making others uncomfortable
by seeking solely for their own _personal_ convenience; they will always
endeavor to set every one around them at ease; they will be
self-sacrificing, friendly, unselfish; truly in word and deed, _polite_.
Give to such a woman the knowledge of the forms and customs of society,
teach her how best to show the gentle courtesies of life, and you have a
_lady_, created by God, only indebted for the _outward_ polish to the
world.
It is true that society demands this same unselfishness and courtesy,
but when there is no heart in the work, the time is frittered away on
the mere ceremonies, forms of etiquette, and customs of society, and
this politeness seeks only its own ends; to be known as courteous,
spoken of as lady-like, and not beloved as unselfish and womanly.
Etiquette exists in some form in all countries, has existed and will
exist in all ages. From the rudest savage who dares not approach his
ignorant, barbarous ruler without certain forms and ceremonies, to the
most polished courts in Europe, or the home circles of America,
etiquette reigns.
True politeness will be found, its basis in the human heart, the same in
all these varied scenes and situations, but the outward forms of
etiquette will vary everywhere. Even in the same scene, time will alter
every form, and render the exquisite polish of last year, obsolete
rudeness next year.
Politeness, being based upon real kindness of heart, cannot exist where
there is selfishness or brutality to warp its growth. It is founded
upon love of the neighbor, and a desire to be beloved, and to show love.
Thus, where such pure, noble feelings do not exist, the mere forms of
politeness become hypocrisy and deceit.
Rudeness will repel, where courtesy would attract friends.
Never by word or action notice the defects of another; be charitable,
for all need charity. Remember who said, "Let him that is without fault
cast the first stone." Remember that the laws of politeness require the
consideration of the feelings of others; the endeavor to make every one
feel at ease; and frank courtesy towards all. Never meet rudeness in
others with rudeness upon your own part; even the most brutal and
impolite will be more shamed by being met with courtesy and kindness,
than by any attempt to annoy them by insolence on your part.
Politeness forbids any display of resentment. The polished surface
throws back the arrow.
Remember that a favor becomes doubly valuable if granted with courtesy,
and that the pain of a refusal may be softened if the manner expresses
polite regret.
Kindness, even to the most humble, will never lose anything by being
offered in a gentle, courteous manner, and the most common-place action
will admit of grace and ease in its execution.
Let every action, while it is finished in strict accordance with
etiquette, be, at the same time, easy, as if dictated solely by the
heart.
To be truly polite, remember you must be polite at _all_ times, and
under _all_ circumstances.
CONTENTS.
PAGE
CHAPTER I.
CONVERSATION 11
CHAPTER II.
DRESS 21
CHAPTER III.
TRAVELING 34
CHAPTER IV.
HOW TO BEHAVE AT A HOTEL 40
CHAPTER V.
EVENING PARTIES--Etiquette for the Hostess 44
CHAPTER VI.
EVENING PARTIES--Etiquette for the Guest 54
CHAPTER VII.
VISITING--Etiquette for the Hostess 60
CHAPTER VIII.
VISITING--Etiquette for the Guest 66
CHAPTER IX.
MORNING RECEPTIONS OR CALLS--Etiquette for the Hostess 76
CHAPTER X.
MORNING RECEPTIONS OR CALLS--Etiquette for the Caller 81
CHAPTER XI.
DINNER COMPANY--Etiquette for the Hostess 87
CHAPTER XII.
DINNER COMPANY--Etiquette for the Guest 97
CHAPTER XIII.
TABLE ETIQUETTE 105
CHAPTER XIV.
CONDUCT IN THE STREET 109
CHAPTER XV.
LETTER WRITING 116
CHAPTER XVI.
POLITE DEPORTMENT AND GOOD HABITS 142
CHAPTER XVII.
CONDUCT IN CHURCH 154
CHAPTER XVIII.
BALL ROOM ETIQUETTE--For the Hostess 158
CHAPTER XIX.
BALL ROOM ETIQUETTE--For the Guest 166
CHAPTER XX.
PLACES OF AMUSEMENT 172
CHAPTER XXI.
ACCOMPLISHMENTS 178
CHAPTER XXII.
SERVANTS 232
CHAPTER XXIII.
ON A YOUNG LADY'S CONDUCT WHEN CONTEMPLATING MARRIAGE 244
CHAPTER XXIV.
BRIDAL ETIQUETTE 259
CHAPTER XXV.
HINTS ON HEALTH 264
CHAPTER XXVI.
MISCELLANEOUS 283
RECEIPTS.
FOR THE COMPLEXION, &c. 303
LADIES' BOOK OF ETIQUETTE.
CHAPTER I.
CONVERSATION.
The art of conversation consists in the exercise of two fine qualities.
You must originate, and you must sympathize; you must possess at the
same time the habit of communicating and of listening attentively. The
union is rare but irresistible. None but an excessively ill-bred person
will allow her attention to wander from the person with whom she is
conversing; and especially she will never, while seeming to be entirely
attentive to her companion, answer a remark or question made to another
person, in another group. Unless the conversation be general among a
party of friends, confine your remarks and attention entirely to the
person with whom you are conversing. Steele says, "I would establish but
one great general rule in conversation, which is this--that people
should not talk to please themselves, but those who hear them. This
would make them consider whether what they speak be worth hearing;
whether there be either wit or sense in what they are about to say; and
whether it be adapted to the time when, the place where, and the person
to whom, it is spoken."
Be careful in conversation to avoid topics which may be supposed to have
any direct reference to events or circumstances which may be painful for
your companion to hear discussed; you may unintentionally start a
subject which annoys or troubles the friend with whom you may be
conversing; in that case, do not stop abruptly, when you perceive that
it causes pain, and, above all, do not make the matter worse by
apologizing; turn to another subject as soon as possible, and pay no
attention to the agitation your unfortunate remark may have excited.
Many persons will, for the sake of appearing witty or smart, wound the
feelings of another deeply; avoid this; it is not only ill-bred, but
cruel.
Remember that having all the talk sustained by one person is not
conversation; do not engross all the attention yourself, by refusing to
allow another person an opportunity to speak, and also avoid the other
extreme of total silence, or answering only in monosyllables.
If your companion relates an incident or tells a story, be very careful
not to interrupt her by questions, even if you do not clearly understand
her; wait until she has finished her relation, and then ask any
questions you may desire. There is nothing more annoying than to be so
interrupted. I have heard a story told to an impertinent listener, which
ran in this way:--
"I saw a fearful sight----"
"When?"
"I was about to tell you; last Monday, on the train----"
"What train?"
"The train from B----. We were near the bridge----"
"What bridge?"
"I will tell you all about it, if you will only let me speak. I was
coming from B----"
"Last Monday, did you say?"
and so on. The story was interrupted at every sentence, and the relator
condemned as a most tedious story-teller, when, had he been permitted to
go forward, he would have made the incident interesting and short.
Never interrupt any one who is speaking. It is very ill-bred. If you see
that a person to whom you wish to speak is being addressed by another
person, never speak until she has heard and replied; until her
conversation with that person is finished. No truly polite lady ever
breaks in upon a conversation or interrupts another speaker.
Never, in speaking to a married lady, enquire for her _husband_, or, if
a gentleman, ask for his _wife_. The elegant way is to call the absent
party by their name; ask Mr. Smith how Mrs. Smith is, or enquire of Mrs.
Jones for Mr. Jones, but never for "your husband" or "your wife." On the
other hand, if you are married, never speak of your husband as your
"lord," "husband," or "good man," avoid, also, unless amongst relatives,
calling him by his Christian name. If you wish others to respect him,
show by speaking of him in respectful terms that you do so yourself. If
either your own husband or your friend's is in the army or navy, or can
claim the Dr., Prof., or any other prefix to his name, there is no
impropriety in speaking of him as the colonel, doctor, or whatever his
title may be.
It is a mark of ill-breeding to use French phrases or words, unless you
are sure your companion is a French scholar, and, even then, it is best
to avoid them. Above all, do not use any foreign word or phrase, unless
you have the language perfectly at your command. I heard a lady once use
a Spanish quotation; she had mastered that one sentence alone; but a
Cuban gentleman, delighted to meet an American who could converse with
him in his own tongue, immediately addressed her in Spanish. Embarrassed
and ashamed, she was obliged to confess that her knowledge of the
language was confined to one quotation.
Never anticipate the point or joke of any anecdote told in your
presence. If _you_ have heard the story before, it may be new to others,
and the narrator should always be allowed to finish it in his own words.
To take any sentence from the mouth of another person, before he has
time to utter it, is the height of ill-breeding. Avoid it carefully.
Never use the phrases, "What-d-ye call it," "Thingummy," "What's his
name," or any such substitutes for a proper name or place. If you cannot
recall the names you wish to use, it is better not to tell the story or
incident connected with them. No lady of high breeding will ever use
these substitutes in conversation.
Be careful always to speak in a distinct, clear voice; at the same time
avoid talking too loudly, there is a happy medium between mumbling and
screaming. Strive to attain it.
Overlook the deficiencies of others when conversing with them, as they
may be the results of ignorance, and impossible to correct. Never pain
another person by correcting, before others, a word or phrase
mispronounced or ungrammatically constructed. If your intimacy will
allow it, speak of the fault upon another occasion, kindly and
privately, or let it pass. Do not be continually watching for faults,
that you may display your own superior wisdom in correcting them. Let
modesty and kind feeling govern your conversation, as other rules of
life. If, on the other hand, your companion uses words or expressions
which you cannot understand, do not affect knowledge, or be ashamed of
your ignorance, but frankly ask for an explanation.
In conversing with professional gentlemen, never question them upon
matters connected with their employment. An author may communicate,
voluntarily, information interesting to you, upon the subject of his
works, but any questions from you would be extremely rude. If you meet a
physician who is attending a friend, you may enquire for their progress,
but do not expect him to give you a detailed account of the disease and
his manner of treating it. The same rule applies to questioning lawyers
about their clients, artists on their paintings, merchants or mechanics
of their several branches of business. Professional or business men,
when with ladies, generally wish for miscellaneous subjects of
conversation, and, as their visits are for recreation, they will feel
excessively annoyed if obliged to "talk shop." Still many men can
converse on no other subject than their every day employment. In this
case listen politely, and show your interest. You will probably gain
useful information in such conversation.
Never question the veracity of any statement made in general
conversation. If you are certain a statement is false, and it is
injurious to another person, who may be absent, you may quietly and
courteously inform the speaker that he is mistaken, but if the falsehood
is of no consequence, let it pass. If a statement appears monstrous, but
you do not _know_ that it is false, listen, but do not question its
veracity. It may be true, though it strikes you as improbable.
Never attempt to disparage an absent friend. It is the height of
meanness. If others admire her, and you do not, let them have their
opinion in peace; you will probably fail if you try to lower her in
their esteem, and gain for yourself the character of an ill-natured,
envious person.
In conversing with foreigners, if they speak slightingly of the manners
of your country, do not retort rudely, or resentfully. If their views
are wrong, converse upon the subject, giving them frankly your views,
but never retaliate by telling them that some custom of their own
country is worse. A gentleman or lady of true refinement will always
give your words candid consideration, and admit that an American may
possibly know the customs of her country better than they do, and if
your opponent is not well-bred, your rudeness will not improve his
manners. Let the conversation upon national subjects be candid, and at
the same time courteous, and leave him to think that the _ladies_ in
America are well-bred, however much he may dislike some little national
peculiarity.
Avoid, at all times, mentioning subjects or incidents that can in any
way disgust your hearers. Many persons will enter into the details of
sicknesses which should be mentioned only when absolutely necessary, or
describe the most revolting scenes before a room full of people, or even
at table. Others speak of vermin, noxious plants, or instances of
uncleanliness. All such conversation or allusion is excessively
ill-bred. It is not only annoying, but absolutely sickening to some, and
a truly lady-like person will avoid all such topics.
I cannot too severely censure the habit of using sentences which admit
of a double meaning. It is not only ill-bred, but indelicate, and no
person of true refinement will ever do it. If you are so unfortunate as
to converse with one who uses such phrases, never by word, look, or sign
show that you understand any meaning beyond the plain, outspoken
language.
Avoid always any discussion upon religious topics, unless you are
perfectly certain that your remarks cannot annoy or pain any one
present. If you are tete-a-tete with a friend, and such a discussion
arise, inquire your companion's church and mention your own, that you
may yourself avoid unpleasant remarks, and caution him.
Never, when advancing an opinion, assert positively that a thing "_is
so_," but give your opinion _as_ an opinion. Say, "I think this is so,"
or "these are _my_ views," but remember that your companion may be
better informed upon the subject under discussion, or, where it is a
mere matter of taste or feeling, do not expect that all the world will
feel exactly as you do.
Never repeat to a person with whom you converse, any unpleasant speech
you may have heard concerning her. If you can give her pleasure by the
repetition of a delicate compliment, or token of approval shown by a
mutual friend, tell her the pleasant speech or incident, but do not hurt
her feelings, or involve her in a quarrel by the repetition of
ill-natured remarks.
Amongst well-bred persons, every conversation is considered in a measure
confidential. A lady or gentleman tacitly confides in you when he (or
she) tells you an incident which may cause trouble if repeated, and you
violate a confidence as much in such a repetition, as if you were bound
over to secrecy. Remember this.
Never criticise a companion's dress, or indeed make any remark whatever
upon it. If a near friend, you may, if sincere, admire any article, but
with a mere acquaintance let it pass unnoticed. If, however, any
accident has happened to the dress, of which she is ignorant, tell her
of it, and assist her in repairing the mischief.
To be able to converse really well, you must read much, treasure in your
memory the pearls of what you read; you must have a quick comprehension,
observe passing events, and listen attentively whenever there is any
opportunity of acquiring knowledge. A quick tact is necessary, too, in
conversation. To converse with an entirely uneducated person upon
literature, interlarding your remarks with quotations, is ill-bred. It
places them in an awkward situation, and does not add to your
popularity. In conversing with persons of refinement and intelligence,
do not endeavor to attract their admiration by pouring forth every item
of your own information upon the subject under consideration, but listen
as well as talk, and modestly follow their lead. I do not mean, to
assent to any opinion they may advance, if you really differ in your own
tastes, but do not be _too_ ready to show your superior judgment or
information. Avoid argument; it is not conversation, and frequently
leads to ill feeling. If you are unfortunately drawn into an argument,
keep your temper under perfect control, and if you find your adversary
is getting too warm, endeavor to introduce some other topic.
Avoid carefully any allusion to the age or personal defects of your
companion, or any one who may be in the room, and be very careful in
your language when speaking of a stranger to another person. I have
heard a lady inquire of a gentleman, "who that frightful girl in blue
could be," and receive the information that the lady in question was the
gentleman's own sister.
Be careful, when traveling, not to wound the feelings of your friends in
another country or city, by underrating their native place, or
attempting to prove the superiority of your own home over theirs.
Very young girls are apt to suppose, from what they observe in older
ones, that there is some particular manner to be put on, in talking to
gentlemen, and, not knowing exactly what it is, they are embarrassed and
reserved; others observe certain airs and looks, used by their elders in
this intercourse, and try to imitate them, as a necessary part of
company behaviours, and, so become affected, and lose that first of
charms, simplicity, natural grace. To such, let me say, your companions
are in error; it requires no peculiar manner, nothing to be put on, in
order to converse with gentlemen, any more than with ladies; and the
more pure and elevated your sentiments are, and the better cultivated
your intellect is, the easier will you find it to converse pleasantly
with all. One good rule can be always followed by young ladies; to
converse with a lady friend as if there were gentlemen present, and to
converse with a gentleman as if in the room with other ladies.
Avoid affectation; it is the sure test of a deceitful, vulgar mind. The
best cure is to try to have those virtues which you would affect, and
then they will appear naturally.