Before this affair could be brought to a proper explanation, the season
being almost ended, the ladies departed from Tunbridge, and in a little
time Doctor Fathom followed them to London, having previously obtained
permission to visit them in that metropolis. He had solicited the same
favour of some other families, in which he hoped to take root, though he
knew they were pre-engaged to different physicians; and resolving to make
his first medical appearance in London with some eclat, he not only
purchased an old chariot, which was new painted for the purpose, but
likewise hired a footman, whom he clothed in laced livery, in order to
distinguish himself from the common run of his brethren.
This equipage, though much more expensive than his finances could bear,
he found absolutely necessary to give him a chance for employment; as
every shabby retainer to physic, in this capital, had provided himself
with a vehicle, which was altogether used by way of a travelling
sign-post, to draw in customers; so that a walking physician was
considered as an obscure pedlar, trudging from street to street, with
his pack of knowledge on his shoulders, and selling his remnants of
advice by retail. A chariot was not now set up for the convenience of a
man sinking under the fatigue of extensive practice, but as a piece of
furniture every way as necessary as a large periwig with three tails; and
a physician, let his merit, in other respects, be never so conspicuous,
can no more expect to become considerable in business, without the
assistance of this implement, than he can hope to live without food, or
breathe without a windpipe.
This requisite is so well understood, that, exclusive of those who
profess themselves doctors, every raw surgeon, every idle apothecary, who
can make interest with some foolhardy coachmaker, may be seen dancing the
bays in all places of public resort, and grinning to one another from
their respective carriages. Hence proceed many of those cruel accidents
which are recorded in the daily papers. An apothecary's horses take
fright, and run away with his chariot, which is heard of no more. An
eminent surgeon being overturned, is so terrified at the thoughts of
mutilation, that he resolves to walk on foot all the days of his life;
and the coachman of a physician of great practice, having the misfortune
to be disabled by a fall from the box, his master can never find another
to supply his place.
None of these observations escaped the penetrating eye of Fathom, who,
before he pretended to seat himself in this machine, had made proper
inquiry into all the other methods practised, with a view to keep the
wheels in motion. In his researches, he found that the great world was
wholly engrossed by a few practitioners who had arrived at the summit of
reputation, consequently were no longer obliged to cultivate those arts
by which they rose; and that the rest of the business was parcelled out
into small enclosures, occupied by different groups of personages, male
and female, who stood in rings, and tossed the ball from one to another,
there being in each department two sets, the individuals of which
relieved one another occasionally. Every knot was composed of a
waiting-woman, nurse, apothecary, surgeon, and physician, and sometimes
a midwife was admitted into the party; and in this manner the farce was
commonly performed.
A fine lady, fatigued with idleness, complains of the vapours, is
deprived of her rest, though not so sick as to have recourse to medicine.
Her favourite maid, tired with giving her attendance in the night, thinks
proper, for the benefit of her own repose, to complain of a violent
headache, and recommends to her mistress a nurse of approved tenderness
and discretion; at whose house, in all likelihood, the said chambermaid
hath oft given the rendezvous to a male friend. The nurse, well skilled
in the mysteries of her occupation, persuades the patient, that her
malady, far from being slight or chimerical, may proceed to a very
dangerous degree of the hysterical affection, unless it be nipt in the
bud by some very effectual remedy. Then she recounts a surprising cure
performed by a certain apothecary, and appeals to the testimony of the
waiting-woman, who being the gossip of his wife, confirms the evidence,
and corroborates the proposal. The apothecary being summoned, finds her
ladyship in such a delicate situation, that he declines prescribing, and
advises her to send for a physician without delay. The nomination of
course falls to him, and the doctor being called, declares the necessity
of immediate venesection, which is accordingly performed by a surgeon of
the association.
This is one way of beginning the game. Though the commencement often
varies, and sometimes the apothecary and sometimes the physician opens
the scene; but, be that as it will, they always appear in a string, like
a flight of wild geese, and each confederacy maintains a correspondence
with one particular undertaker. Fathom, upon these considerations, set
up his rest in the first floor of an apothecary in the neighbourhood of
Charing Cross, to whom he was introduced by a letter from a friend at
Tunbridge, and who being made acquainted with his ability and scheme,
promised to let slip no opportunity of serving him; and, indeed, seemed
to espouse his interest with great alacrity. He introduced him to some
of his patients, on the strength of a gratis visit, sounded forth his
praise among all the good women of his acquaintance; and even prevailed
upon him to publish advertisements, importing that he would every day, at
a certain time and place, give his advice to the poor for nothing; hoping
that, by means of some lucky cure, his fame might be extended, and his
practice grow into request.
In the meantime his chariot rolled along through all the most frequented
streets, during the whole forenoon, and, at the usual hour, he never
failed to make his appearance at the medical coffee-house, with all that
solemnity of feature and address, by which the modern sons of Paean are
distinguished; not but that he was often puzzled about the decision of
his diurnal route. For the method of driving up one street and down
another, without halting, was become such a stale expedient, that the
very 'prentices used to stand at the shop doors, and ridicule the vain
parade. At length, however, he perused the map of London with great
diligence, and, having acquired a distinct idea of its topography, used
to alight at the end of long narrow thoroughfares and paved courts, where
the chariot was ordered to wait till his return; and, walking with great
gravity through the different turnings of these alleys, regain his
carriage by another passage, and resume his seat with an air of vast
importance. With a view to protract the time of his supposed visits,
he would, at one place, turn aside to a wall; at another, cheapen an
urinal; at a third corner, read a quack advertisement, or lounge a few
minutes in some bookseller's shop; and, lastly, glide into some obscure
coffee-house, and treat himself with a dram of usquebaugh.
The other means used to force a trade, such as ordering himself to be
called from church, alarming the neighbourhood with knocking at his door
in the night, receiving sudden messages in places of resort, and
inserting his cures by way of news in the daily papers, had been so
injudiciously hackneyed by every desperate sculler in physic, that they
had lost their effect upon the public, and therefore were excluded from
the plan of our adventurer, whose scheme, for the present, was to exert
himself in winning the favour of those sage Sibyls, who keep, as it were,
the temple of medicine, and admit the young priest to the service of the
altar; but this he considered as a temporary project only, until he
should have acquired interest enough to erect an hospital, lock, or
infirmary, by the voluntary subscription of his friends, a scheme which
had succeeded to a miracle with many of the profession, who had raised
themselves into notice upon the carcases of the poor.
Yet even this branch was already overstocked, insomuch that almost every
street was furnished with one of these charitable receptacles, which,
instead of diminishing the taxes for the maintenance of the poor,
encouraged the vulgar to be idle and dissolute, by opening an asylum to
them and their families, from the diseases of poverty and intemperance.
For it remains to be proved, that the parish rates are decreased, the
bills of mortality lessened, the people more numerous, or the streets
less infested with beggars, notwithstanding the immense sums yearly
granted by individuals for the relief of the indigent.
But, waiving these reflections, Doctor Fathom hoped, that his landlord
would be a most useful implement for extending his influence, and, for
that reason, admitted him into a degree of partnership, after being fully
convinced that he was not under articles to any other physician.
Nevertheless, he was very much mistaken in reckoning on the importance of
his new ally, who was, like himself, a needy adventurer, settled upon
credit, and altogether unemployed, except among the very refuse of the
people, whom no other person would take the trouble to attend. So that
our hero got little else than experience and trouble, excepting a few
guineas which he made shift to glean among sojourners, with whom he
became occasionally acquainted, or young people, who had been unfortunate
in their amours.
In the midst of these endeavours, he did not omit his duty to the old
gentlewoman, whose daughter he had cured at Tunbridge; and was always
received with particular complacency, which, perhaps, he, in some
measure, owed to his genteel equipage, that gave credit to every door
before which it was seen; yet, Miss Biddy was as inaccessible as ever,
while the mother became more and more warm in her civilities, till at
length, after having prepared him with some extraordinary compliments,
she gave him to understand, that Biddy was no better than a giddy-headed
girl, far from being unexceptionable in her moral character, and
particularly deficient in duty and gratitude to her, who had been always
a tender and indulgent parent; she was therefore determined to punish the
young minx for her levity and want of natural affection, by altering her
own condition, could she find a worthy and agreeable man, on whom she
could bestow her hand and fortune without a blush.
The film was instantly removed from Fathom's eyes by this declaration,
which she uttered with such a significancy of look, as thrilled to his
soul with joyful presage, while he replied, it would, indeed, be a
difficult task to find a man who merited such happiness and honour; but,
surely, some there were, who would task their faculties to the uttermost,
in manifesting their gratitude, and desire of rendering themselves worthy
of such distinction. Though this answer was pronounced in such a manner
as gave her to understand he had taken the hint, she would not cheapen
her condescension so much as to explain herself further at that juncture,
and he was very well contented to woo her on her own terms; accordingly
he began to season his behaviour with a spice of gallantry, when he had
opportunities of being particular with this new inamorata, and, in
proportion to the returns she made, he gradually detached himself from
Miss Biddy, by intermitting, and, at last, discontinuing those ardent
expressions of love and admiration, which he had made shift to convey in
private looks and stolen whispers, during the rancorous inspection of her
mother.
Such alteration could not long escape the jealous eyes of the young lady,
no more than the cause of this alienation, which, in a moment, converted
all her love into irreconcilable hate, and filled her whole soul with the
most eager desire of vengeance. For she now not only considered him as a
mercenary wretch, who had slighted her attractions for the sordid
gratifications of avarice, but also as an interloper, who wanted to
intercept her fortune, in the odious character of a father-in-law. But,
before she could bring her aim to any ripeness of contrivance, her
mother, having caught cold at church, was seized with a rheumatic fever,
became delirious in less than three days, and, notwithstanding all the
prescriptions and care of her admirer, gave up the ghost, without having
retrieved the use of her senses, or been able to manifest, by will, the
sentiments she entertained in favour of her physician, who, as the reader
will easily perceive, had more reasons than one to be mortally chagrined
at this event.
Miss Biddy being thus put in possession of the whole inheritance, not
only renounced all correspondence with Doctor Fathom, by forbidding him
the house, but likewise took all opportunities of prejudicing his
character, by hinting, that her dear mamma had fallen a sacrifice to his
ignorance and presumption.