As soon as we begin to consider the reform of the law, we come at once
to such a tangle of questions that I have the greatest difficulty in
finding the right end to unwind the skein. For the trouble with this
matter of our divorce laws, as with most other reforms, is to decide
just what ought to be done, how far are we prepared to go? where must
the marriage bond be held tight? where may it be loosened? These are but
examples of the questions that have to be answered. Hence the wrangling
and the failure in establishing any kind of united will, which prevents
anything at all being done. No one, for instance, can decide the causes
for which it would be right to extend the grounds of divorce. Almost
every individual interested, and every group of individuals, appears to
have a different opinion and offers opposing suggestions. And the issues
are further confused because any change that concerns marriage touches
us all so intimately, so that the attitude that we take up must be
strongly affected by our deepest emotions, which against our knowledge
are directed by our unconscious wills. This explains much apparently
unwise conduct, as well as persistent opposition to reform on the part
of many humane people, that otherwise would be difficult to understand.
There is much too great a timidity shown even by those who recognize
most the evil done by our existing laws and work for their reform. They
fear to ask too much, always the sure way to get nothing done.
This question of the causes for which divorce should be allowed is one
that is very unlikely to be settled. I doubt if it can be settled
wisely. In my opinion, an enlightened reform of our law must go much
further than the providing of ways of escape from marriage. Such exits
tend to destroy the happy working of marriage and open a direct way to
abuses; also they are unable to meet the needs of all classes, no matter
how wide and numerous they are, while directly they are numerous they
become ridiculous. They can never form the ultimate solution of what
ought to be done. They tend to make marriage contemptible, and there are
real grounds in the objections raised against them. There must be no
special exits; the door of marriage must be left open to go out of as it
is open to enter.
Nor do I believe there need be cause for fear in this idea of divorce by
mutual consent. It is not nearly so easy to break a marriage that has
lasted for any time as is usually thought by those who have never tried
to do it. The habit of living together forges bonds you do not feel
until you try to break them. The intimacy of marriage creates a thousand
and one little every-day interests and ties, habits, preoccupations and
memories in common; when they are torn it is like tearing thousands of
little nerves that are far more painful than the one big hurt that
caused them to be broken. That is why most marriages are dissolved
through anger, in jealous passion, and because lovers are found out. It
needs immense courage to sever a marriage if you have time to think what
you are doing.