He feeds on others' evils, and hath no disease but his neighbour's
welfare. Whatsoever God do for him, he cannot be happy with company; and
if he were put to choose whether he would rather have equals in a common
felicity, or superiors in misery, he would demur upon the election. His
eye casts out too much, and never returns home, but to make comparisons
with another's good. He is an ill prizer of foreign commodity; worse of
his own, for that he rates too high, this under value. You shall have
him ever inquiring into the estates of his equals and betters, wherein
he is not more desirous to hear all than loth to hear anything over
good; and if just report relate aught better than he would, he redoubles
the question, as being hard to believe what he likes not, and hopes yet,
if that be averred again to his grief, that there is somewhat concealed
in the relation, which, if it were known, would argue the commended
party miserable, and blemish him with secret shame. He is ready to
quarrel with God, because the next field is fairer grown, and angrily
calculates his cost, and time, and tillage. Whom he dares not openly
backbite, nor wound with a direct censure, he strikes smoothly with an
over cold praise; and when he sees that he must either maliciously
impugn the just praise of another (which were unsafe), or approve it by
assent, he yieldeth; but shows withal that his means were such, both by
nature and education, that he could not, without much neglect, be less
commendable. So his happiness shall be made the colour of detraction.
When an wholesome law is propounded, he crosseth it either by open or
close opposition, not for any incommodity or inexpedience, but because
it proceeded from any mouth besides his own. And it must be a cause
rarely plausible that will not admit some probable contradiction. When
his equal should rise to honour, he strives against it unseen, and
rather with much cost suborneth great adversaries; and when he sees his
resistance vain, he can give an hollow gratulation in presence, but in
secret disparages that advancement. Either the man is unfit for the
place, or the place for the man; or if fit, yet less gainful, or more
common than opinion; whereto he adds that himself might have had the
same dignity upon better terms, and refused it. He is witty in devising
suggestions to bring his rival out of love into suspicion. If he be
courteous, he is seditiously popular; if bountiful, he binds over his
clients to a faction; if successful in war, he is dangerous in peace; if
wealthy, he lays up for a day; if powerful, nothing wants but
opportunity of rebellion. His submission is ambitious hypocrisy; his
religion, politic insinuation; no action is safe from a jealous
construction. When he receives a good report of him whom he emulates, he
saith, "Fame is partial, and is wont to blanche mischiefs;" and pleaseth
himself with hope to find it worse; and if ill-will have dispersed any
more spiteful narration, he lays hold on that, against all witnesses,
and broacheth that rumour for truest because worst; and when he sees him
perfectly miserable, he can at once pity him, and rejoice. What himself
cannot do, others shall not; he hath gained well if he have hindered the
success of what he would have done, and could not. He conceals his best
skill, not so as it may not be known that he knows it, but so as it may
not be learned, because he would have the world miss him. He attained to
a foreign medicine by the secret legacy of a dying empiric, whereof he
will leave no heir lest the praise shall be divided. Finally, he is an
enemy to God's favours, if they fall beside himself; the best nurse of
ill-fame, a man of the worst diet, for he consumes himself, and delights
in pining; a thorn-hedge covered with nettles, a peevish interpreter of
good things, and no other than a lean and pale carcase quickened with
a fiend.
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