attention to any other child. It is really amusing how displeased he gets.
He will push the other child away, climb into my lap, and almost smother
me with kisses. If I persist in paying attention to somebody else, he will
pout in the cutest way until I take him in my arms again."
It may, to be sure, be difficult at times to refrain from smiling at the
absurd behaviour of jealous children. Just the same, jealousy is never a
smiling matter and is always something which parents should try to root
out without delay. The jealous child, if uncorrected, is all too likely to
grow into a jealous adult, with tendencies which bring misery to himself,
and which, if it becomes a question of sex-jealousy, may bring death to
others. The parent who fails to attack jealousy when it first shows itself
need not be surprised at any distortion of character or vagary of conduct
that appears in later life. Jealousy, indeed, may have strange and
startling physical consequences. Here, for example, is a story from the
experience of a veteran physician:
"I was once summoned to visit a lady who was represented as being very
ill. On my arrival I was shown to the so-called sick-room, where three
persons were present--an old lady, her daughter, and the daughter's
husband. All of them seemed in good health. When I inquired which was my
patient, there was silence for a moment. Then the daughter said:
"'I am the patient, and my complaint is jealousy. I am jealous of my
husband, and if you do not give me something to relieve me I shall go out
of my mind.'
"This, on the face of it, seemed preposterous. She was a tall, fair,
beautiful woman of about thirty. The husband, on the contrary, was several
years older, a short, swarthy, plain man. It seemed to me more reasonable
to suppose that he might have cause to be jealous of his wife, rather than
she of him. But she persisted in her statement, and declared that she had
good reason to feel jealous.
"The husband insisted he had done nothing to justify her jealousy. She
reasserted he had. In the midst of an outburst, distressing to listen to,
she fell into a queer fit. With rhythmic regularity, she went through
various spasmodic convulsions. At one moment she would stand at full
length, her body arched forward. The next instant she was in a sitting
position, with her legs drawn up, her hands clutching her throat, and a
guttural noise coming from her mouth. Then she would wildly throw her
arms and legs around; after which she would rise to go through the same
performance.
"It was necessary to give her a drug to quiet her. I learned that she had
been subject to these attacks ever since she began to feel jealous of her
husband. Inquiring more closely, I found that, quite without reason, she
was specifically jealous of him in connection with a certain woman in the
small town where he carried on his business. Thereupon I advised him, for
the sake of her health and his own peace of mind, to remove to another
town. This having been done, her jealousy abated and the convulsive
seizures ceased."
Of course, this mode of treatment--if treatment it should be called--gave
no guarantee that the jealousy and the consequent convulsions would not
recur under other circumstances. What the jealous wife really needed
was psychical re-education to give her a saner philosophy of life,
enabling her to get a better grip on her emotions, and, through this, to
control better the workings of her nervous system. Here we touch on what
is far and away the most important fact in the problem of jealousy--a
fact unappreciated by too many parents, and, for that matter, likewise
unappreciated by most writers on the pedagogy of childhood.
This fact is that jealousy, being always an evidence of uncontrollable
emotionality, and itself serving still further to weaken emotional
control, may, and often does, give rise to functional mental and nervous
troubles. These may appear during childhood, or their appearance may be
postponed until adult life, as in the instance cited above. In either
event, their underlying cause is always the same: failure to train
the individual during early life to react with calmness, courage, and
moderation to the stresses of existence.
In the case of a person of naturally phlegmatic nervous constitution,
lack of such training does not do so much harm, for the reason that
excessive emotional reactions are unlikely to occur, no matter what the
provocation. But when there is any marked degree of sensitiveness in the
nervous organisation--as there usually is in our land: Americans being
conspicuously of the so-called nervous temperament--the need for training
in emotional control becomes imperative. In the case of persons who have
inherited any tendency to nervous ailments, persons burdened with what is
technically known as a neuropathic diathesis, absence of this training may
be disastrous.
Parents, accordingly, will make no mistake in regarding any persistent
manifestation of jealousy in their children as--like sulkiness--a
danger-signal of real urgency and as indicating a special need for careful
upbringing. Also, they should not be surprised if jealousy begins to show
itself at an extremely early age. Some instances are on record of its
appearance before the end of the first year. The naturalist Darwin noted
its presence in his son at the age of fifteen and a half months. Arnold
L. Gesell, one of the few scientists to make any extended research of
jealousy, found that "infants will variously hold out their arms, fret,
whine, or burst into violent crying, cover their face with their hands, or
sulk, when their mothers caress or hold another baby." From the end of the
second year jealousy is much in evidence, and is most variously motivated.
Commonest of all, perhaps, is the jealousy occasioned by the advent of a
little brother or sister, who is looked upon as a rival for the parents'
affections. Or jealousy may be felt against one of the parents, little
boys being frequently jealous of their fathers, and little girls of their
mothers. Seemingly, they are unable to tolerate the love their parents
feel for each other and would monopolise the affection of the parent
of whom they are fonder. Again, there may be jealousy, sometimes of a
violent sort, with regard to material possessions. Greatly to the profit
of toy-makers, innumerable children have broken their toys to pieces in
jealous rage at another child having been allowed to play with them. So,
too, there may be jealousy with regard to food. A child will often eat
food of which he is not really desirous, rather than see another gain
pleasure from it.
As the child grows older, other objects and situations cause in him the
unpleasant reaction of jealousy. On this point--the shifting causes of
jealousy, through later childhood into adolescence--I cannot do better
than quote at some length the findings of Professor M. V. O'Shea, of
the University of Wisconsin, as given in his "Social Development and
Education," a book of great value to parents and teachers:
"The jealous attitude is manifested most strikingly in children from the
fifth year on, in situations where competitors seek to exalt themselves
in the eyes of those who have favours to distribute, or where the deeds
and virtues of rivals are extolled by outsiders. Let K. begin to describe
in the family circle some courageous or faithful deed he has performed,
or painful experience he has endured, or duties he has discharged, and
C., his natural rival, will at once seek to minimise the importance of
the particular act for which praise is sought, so that K. may not be too
highly thought of. Then C. will endeavour to attract attention to his own
worth by describing more meritorious deeds which he has himself performed.
He cannot easily submit to the attempts of his rival to gain the
admiration of the company before whom he wishes to exhibit himself. But it
is different in situations where K. and C. are united in their interests,
in opposition to other groups. Then C. is glad to reinforce the testimony
of K. regarding his valorous deeds; and the principle works in just the
same way when C. is seeking for favour, and K. is the jealous witness or
the faithful comrade.
"It must be impressed that jealousy is an attitude assumed only by
individuals in those situations in which they are competing for the same
favours. Two children may be intensely jealous in their own homes; but
they may abandon this attitude absolutely when they go into the world and
compete as a unit with other groups. Normally, the jealousies between
members of a family tend to disappear in the measure that their interests
broaden, and they form new connections in the world. That is to say,
according as persons cease to be keen rivals, they tend either to become
indifferent to the successes of one another, or they may even rejoice in
the good fortune of each other, and lose no opportunity to celebrate one
another's virtues and merits. This latter stage is not reached, however,
until rivalry, and so conflict, wholly ceases, and the contestants come to
appreciate that their interests are mutual, and each can help himself best
by extolling the other. This is frequently seen in adult life, especially
in political and professional partnerships....
"As a general principle, the smaller the group of individuals who are
in competition with one another, and the narrower the range of their
interests, the more intense will be the jealous attitudes developed. As
the group increases in membership and their interests and activities
become more varied, particular competitors normally come to occupy a less
and less important place in any one individual's attention. It is as
though the energy which in a restricted situation finds an outlet in one
channel, perhaps, is discharged through various channels when the circle
of persons and the range of interests to be reacted upon are enlarged. It
is probable that most strictly social attitudes become less pronounced,
though they are likely to become more habitual, according as the
occasions which call them forth are multiplied.
"This principle has an interesting application to the child when he enters
school. His new personal environment makes such demands upon his attention
and energy, in order that he may take the first steps in adjustment
thereto, that the jealous attitudes are not aroused for some time, though
they are liable to appear as he begins to feel at home in the new group.
The beginner is usually in the learning or adaptive attitude; he is never,
at the outset, resentful towards individuals in the group who may secure
greater attention than himself from the teacher or his associates. The
novice in school seeks, above everything else, to win the favour of those
who, for any reason, are prominent in the group. He does not normally
oppose his personality to that of any one who stands well with the crowd,
or who has the support of tradition in his particular expressions....
"As the child grows to feel at ease in adjustment to the situations
presented in the school, he commences to assume attitudes of disapproval,
as well as approval, of the expressions of his associates, and even of
the teacher. In due course--often by the fourth year in school, possibly
earlier--he begins to manifest some feeling of jealousy towards those of
his group who attain greater prominence in the work of the school than
he does himself. However, according to the observations of the present
writer, this feeling is not a dominant one at any period in the elementary
school, except in the case of particular children who are displeased at
any distinction in recitations or in conduct attained by their classmates.
"In the fourth grade of a certain elementary school of a Western city
there are three backward boys who have been in this grade for two years,
though they are bright enough in the things of the street. They are in a
more or less hostile attitude towards all that goes on in the schoolroom,
probably because they cannot succeed in it themselves, and so they would
like to escape from it or destroy it. Now, they make it unpleasant, so
far as they are able, for all the boys in the grade who apply themselves
to their tasks and get 'good marks.' On the playground these dullards
'pick on' the 'bright' boys; and in the school they ridicule them by
'snickering' at them, or 'making faces' at them, and so on, with the
result that they deter some boys from doing their best in the schoolroom.
These same three ill-adjusted boys will make fun of their mates who come
to school 'dressed up in fine togs.' They are themselves attired in plain
clothes suited to the rough experience of the street, and they resent the
adoption of different styles by any of their associates. Further, they
show jealous feeling towards boys who come from 'better' homes than their
own, or from more 'aristocratic' parts of the city....
"It will not be necessary here to do more than to mention the chief
incitement to jealousy after the beginning of the adolescent upheaval, and
lasting well on into middle life. The testimony of autobiographers, as
well as the observations of psychologists, indicates that rivalry for sex
favours gives rise to most of the jealous attitudes of the adolescent up
until full maturity is reached. Often, no doubt, it is the main cause of
the jealousies of some people throughout their lives; but, normally, other
and more general interests become stronger and more vital as maturity is
approached. But, from the age of fifteen or sixteen on to twenty-five, or
beyond, the sex needs and interests are supreme, and the individual is
sensitive to sex relations above all others. No pain is so keen at this
time as that which arises from slight or indifference from persons of
the opposite sex, and no experience will stir an individual so deeply as
that which threatens to deprive him of the exclusive possession of the
affections of the one he loves."
Whatever the cause, I repeat, parents should never delay in combating
repeated manifestations of jealousy, in order to make sure of preventing
possible acts of extreme violence, subtle distortions of character that
may persist through life, and neurotic maladies of gradual or rapid
development. To bring home concretely to every parent who happens to
read these lines the danger menacing his own jealous child in this last
respect, I cannot do better than cite from real life a few instances of
nervous trouble directly and demonstrably due to jealousy.
An eminent neurologist had for a patient a young girl whose illness
took the form of frenzied, almost maniacal, outbreaks. It was necessary
at times to control her forcibly, and the fear of her family was that
she was on the highway to insanity, if she were not already insane.
The neurologist noticed that she became most violent when her mother
approached her bed. She would then cry out, strike at her mother, and
wildly order her to leave the room. The mother was in despair at this
behaviour, assuring the neurologist that she could not account for it, as
she had always treated her daughter most affectionately--a statement which
other relatives corroborated.
To get to the bottom of this mystifying case, the neurologist determined
to make use of what is known as the method of dream-analysis. This method
has, as a fundamental principle, the theory that most dreams, especially
the dreams of childhood, represent the imaginary fulfilment of wishes
which cannot be, or have not been, realised in the waking life. In the
present instance, the application of dream-analysis proved most helpful.
It showed that, asleep no less than when awake, the girl's mind was
occupied with ideas unfavourable to her mother, and was dominated by a
wish that her mother were dead. This was indicated by a number of dreams,
in some of which she saw herself and her sisters dressed in mourning,
while in others she was attending the funeral of women who resembled her
mother.
Quite evidently a mental conflict was in progress, the girl sufficiently
appreciating the sinfulness of the death--wish to resist its full
emergence into consciousness, even during sleep. But its presence and
persistence, as revealed by the dreams, made it clear to the physician
that he was dealing, not with actual insanity, but with a case of
hysteria motivated by jealousy of the mother. Further analysis disclosed
an abnormal fondness for the father, in whose affections the little
daughter wished to reign alone.
Sometimes the hysteria traceable to jealousy presents symptoms ingeniously
calculated to compel sympathetic attention from the parent who otherwise
would continue to divide his or her affections in a manner displeasing to
the jealous child. Thus, a small boy became subject to attacks of severe
bodily pain, which came on, usually, at night, and were relieved only
when his mother took him to bed with her, sending his father to sleep in
another room. In this case, and in similar cases that have been studied by
medical specialists, it is not a question of conscious deceit. The pain or
other hysterical symptom is wholly the result of the sentiment of jealousy
having so worked on the mind of a neurotically predisposed child as to
cause a subconscious fabrication of symptoms certain to gain loving care.
Likewise, some children, and particularly children of an inferior
mentality or those handicapped by physical defects responsible for a
seeming or real neglect of them by parents and playmates, will, under the
influence of jealousy, become so disturbed nervously as to indulge in
eccentricities of conduct, having for their object the compelling of the
attention they feel they have been denied. For example, jealousy often
is at the root of the pathological lying of neurotic children, who, on
occasion, do not hesitate to bring outrageous charges against innocent
persons. Their purpose is not to injure these persons; they tell their
morbid lies simply because they wish to become objects of interested and
sympathetic attention. For the same reason, other jealousy-dominated
children sometimes concoct elaborate deceptions, notably in the way of
what are called "poltergeist" performances.
From time to time newspapers report stories of haunted houses, in which
small articles of furniture and bric-à-brac are flung about by mischievous
ghosts--hence the name "poltergeists"--that remain invisible. When
investigation is made, the "ghost" usually turns out to be a small boy
or girl, who frequently is regarded as being merely a naughty child, and
is punished accordingly. This is a mistake. It is not naughtiness, but
hysteria. And, not infrequently, it is hysteria brought on by jealousy.[7]
President Hall, of Clark University, who has made a special study of
children's lies, fittingly comments:
"Without knowing it, these hysterical girls feel disinherited and
robbed of their birthright. Their bourgeoning woman's instinct to be
the centre of interest and admiration bursts all bounds, and they speak
and act out things which with others would be only secret reverie. Thus
they can not only be appreciated but wondered at; can almost become
priestesses, pythonesses, maenads, and set their mates, neighbours, or
even great savants agog and agape, while they have their fling at life,
reckless of consequences. Thus they can be of consequence, respected,
observed, envied, perhaps even studied. So they defy their fate and wreak
their little souls upon experience with abandon and have their supreme
satisfaction for a day, impelled to do so by blind instinct which their
intellect is too undeveloped to restrain. And all this because their
actual life is so dull and empty."[8]
Nor does the mischief done by jealousy in the case of nervously inclined
children stop here. It is particularly important for parents to know that
there may be a postponement of its evil effects. That is, though the
jealous child, while a child, may not show more than a general nervousness
and may seemingly outgrow his jealousy without ill effect, it is entirely
possible that in later life mental or nervous troubles may appear as a
result of the subconscious retention of the jealous notions that have
long since vanished from conscious remembrance. I might cite a number of
instances strikingly illustrative of this, but will be content with giving
only one--the case of a man about thirty years old, who did not dare go
outdoors because he was obsessed by a fear that he would kill the first
person he met in the street.
"My life," he told the physician whose aid he sought, "is one long
torment. There are days when I have myself locked in my room, as I cannot
venture on the street with the murderous longings that fill my mind. I
spend much of my time planning alibis to escape the consequences of the
murder I feel sure I shall commit. Is there any hope for me, short of
imprisonment in an asylum for the dangerously insane?"
This man, as his answers to the specialist's questions made clear, was
actually of a splendid character and highly cultured. His one peculiarity
was this dangerous obsession. Psychological analysis to trace its origin
was undertaken, and led back to his childhood. It had, as the setting
giving it force and keeping it alive, a deep-seated jealousy of his
father, experienced before the age of seven. More specifically, it
originated in a murderous wish, entertained one day when father and son
were walking together, to push his father from a mountain-top into an
abyss. The child had at once recognised that this wish was wicked. He
had violently repressed it, had tried to forget it, and had seemingly
succeeded in doing so. But in his neurotic subconsciousness it had
remained alive, to incubate and grow, until it finally blossomed into the
murderous and painfully persistent obsession against people in general.
Surely, it is worth while to watch for and eradicate jealousy in
childhood. Surely, too, it is worth while to develop emotional control in
your children while they still are very young, and to avoid giving reason
for jealousy by showing a real neglect in satisfying their natural craving
for sympathy and love. On the other hand, it is equally important to avoid
being over-attentive to them. This, as brought out in detail in the second
chapter, is the great danger to be feared when there is only one child in
the family, the exuberance of the parental love filling the child with
exaggerated ideas of his own importance that are sure to be rudely jostled
when he comes into contact with other children.
From these other children, as from his school teachers and casual visitors
to his home, he will unconsciously demand the adulation shown by his
parents. Failing to receive it, jealousy is all too apt to seize him,
and, out of jealousy, nervous symptoms or character kinks are a probable
result--symptoms and kinks which may, perhaps, never be entirely overcome.
What, then, is the moral of all this? What practical suggestions may
be made that will help parents to cope with the problem of children's
jealousy? For one thing, and most important, there must be no showing
of favouritism, if you have more than one child. By your whole attitude
towards your children you must make plain to them that each one ought to
be, and is, equally dear to you. Of course, however, this does not mean
that you should go to the foolish extreme of some parents, who carry
the principle of equality so far as to give identical presents to their
children. This does not serve as a corrective and preventive of jealousy;
rather, it simply panders to it, and is, at bottom, a confession of
helplessness on the parents' part.