“Wal, suh, you orter jes’ heurd de prayer Br’er Johnsing put up--it
wus short, but mighty sweet. De flavor ob de watermilions seem ter
git into hit, an’ de ’roma ob hits juice b’iled outen his mouth. Boss,
you’ve seed dese kinder preachers dat talks to de good Lord wid all
de easy fermileriaty ob a deestrick skule-teacher axin’ de presedent
ob de skule board fur what he wants, an’ wid all de sassy assurance
ob de silent partner in a lan’-offis bisness, ain’t you? Wal, dat’s
de way Br’er Johnsing prayed, an’ I wus de speshul objec, ob his
conversashun wid de Almighty dat day. He tole ’im whut I’d dun fur
dat community, informed ’im very posertively ob de fac’ dat I wus a
Godly man, refreshed His mem’ry in a gentle way consarnin’ sum’ ob my
long-furgotten deeds ob cheerity, an’ gin Him sum’ good, brotherly
advice on how to git eben wid me, an’ in a measure pay off de debt
of gratitude He owed me by makin’ it His will dat I wus erg’in to
administer de law ob de lan’, both spiritual an’ temper’l, an’ fur
ernudder twelvemonth ter be de venerbul ram ob de flock ob Zion, to
lead His sheep to de fold an’ by de still waters. Wal, suh, when he
finish, mighty nigh eb’ry nigger dar said Amen, an’ den dey lick dey
chops an’ look sorter dreamy lak ober whar de watermilions lay ’n de
col’ spring branch.
“Dis wus my time to spring de s’prise ob de ebenin’ on ’em, dat I’d
fixed up. An’ so I riz up wid de most sancterfied look on I c’uld git,
one ob dem onworthy, miserbul-sinner sorter looks dat we elders allers
carry aroun’ in our coat pockets along with our bandanna handkerchiefs
fur enny emergency, an’ I sez: ‘Brudders an’ sistrin, befo’ we listen
to de soulful sermon in store fur our spiritual natures, which Br’er
Johnsing gwineter gib us in his ellerquent way, I’ve sprung a letle
s’prise on you, an’ I wants you all to retire wid me an’ refresh de
innard man a leetle. Brudderin’ knowin’ my onworthiness an’ de many
obligashuns I am under to dis enlightened community ob Christian saints
an’ godly men an’ wimmen, I’ve made two bar’ls ob ice-cold lemmernade,
an’ you’ll find ’em asettin’, es a big s’prise,’ sez I, ‘on de houn’s
ob my ox-waggin, in de cool shade by de spring, wid plenty ob tin
dippers fur all. We’ll now adjourn twenty minnits fur refreshments.’
“Wal, suh, you sh’uld a heurd de shout. Ef de ’lection bed cum’ off
den, I’d a got eb’ry vote in de deestrick an’ a fair sprinklin’ ob sum’
in all de yudders. I went wid ’em an’ drunk, too. An’ we all drunk ter
one ernudder’s health. I drunk to Sister Ca’line, an’ Br’er Johnsing he
drunk to Dinah, an’ de leetle niggers drunk, an’ de ole niggers drunk,
de gals an’ de boys. I hilt up my dipper an’ laugh, an’ sed to Br’er
Johnsing, ‘Br’er Johnsing, here’s to you,’ sez I, ‘an’ all dat goes up
must go down.’ An’ wid dat I swallered down.
“Den Br’er Johnsing--he’s mighty funny--an’ he hilt up his’n and laugh,
an’ say: ‘Br’er Washington, here’s to you,’ sez he, ‘an’ all dat goes
down nurver comes up ergin.’ An’ den we all laugh.
“But dat wus one time he wus terribly mistaken, es you will see.
“Wal, suh, when we all hed drunk enough we went back to hear de
watermilion sermon, an’ den eat de fruit ob whut we heurd. ’Tain’t
eb’ry man kin say dat, boss, dat he eats de fruit ob whut he hears;
digests de fustly, an’ de secondly, an’ de thudly, assimmerlates
in de juicy rime ob de tangerbul thing, de logical konclushun ob
de intelectual fac’. An’ darfore I’ve allers sed dat drawin’ yo’
konclushuns frum de heart ob a watermilion makes de bes’ sermon in de
wurl’.
“I b’leeve I tole you, boss, dat dat lemmernade wus intended fur a
s’prise fur ’em, didn’t I?”
“Yes, I believe you mentioned that it was a little surprise of yours in
store for them.”
The old man groaned. “Boss, fur heaben’s sake, annudder drap outen dat
bottle! I’ll hafter brace up erg’in to tell de sorrowin’ scene dat
follers. Thankee, thankee! I’m better now, an’ maybe I kin finish, fur
dat lemmernade turned out to be de bigges’ an’ sorrerfullest surprise
dat ever come down a pike.
“Br’er Johnsing tuck fur his tex’ de sermon ob Noah an’ de ark,
an’ whilst Noah wus de man menshuned, hit wus plain dat I was de
applercashun. He went on to show dat I wus a godly man, jes’ lak’ ole
Noah, an’ dat I wus to de community ob Big Sandy whut Noah was to
Jeerruselum. He wus makin’ it short, but a-gwine in two-minnit time,
a-pacin’ lak’ ole Joe Patchen at a matternee fur a silver cup an’
wreath ob roses, an’ den all at onct he lifted up his voice an’ sed:
‘Yes, brudderin, de waters ob de g-r-e-a-t deep riz up, an’ de bottom
drop outen de clouds; de w-i-n-d-e-r-s ob heaben wus flung open, an’
de upheaval ob de u-n-e-v-e-r-s-e begun----’
“Dat wus es fur es he got, befo’ de word upheaval wus outen his mouth,
sho’ ’nuff, de upheaval did begun. I seed ’im stop so suddenly he
kicked up behind, clap his hands on his stummick an’ try to bolt fur a
locus’ thicket, but he c’uldn’t--he jes’ turned a complete summerset,
athrowin’ up his immortal soul es he turned. Den I heurd a turrible
commoshun in de congregashun, an’ I look erroun’, an’ eb’ry nigger dar
wus in de same fix es Br’er Johnsing. Dey wus whoopin’, an’ barkin’,
and layin’ out in eb’ry kinder way, an’ all on ’em bent on de same
thing. An’ whut dey wus doin’ to dat groun’ wus a-plenty! Dey thought
dey was pizened an’ wus gwineter die, an’ den sech s’archin’ prayers
es went up to de throne ob grace, mixed in wid moans, an’ groans, an’
ice-cold lemmernade dat seem to think hit wus time ter rise erg’in and
fetch eb’rything else frum de grabe along wid it. By dis time I wus so
’stounded I didn’t kno’ whut ter do. I look erroun’ an’ I seed dat me
an’ ole Aunt Fat Ferreby wus de onlies’ ones dat wa’n’t tryin’ to turn
inside out. She wus lookin’ mighty ashy erroun’ de gills, but she brace
hers’f up an’ started out ter raise dat good ole hymn:
‘How firm a foundation’--
But she hadn’t more’n got to ‘foundahun’ befo, her foundation was
shaken, I seed her gag an’ double up an’ start in on:
‘My risin’ soul leaps up to sing,
A song of praise ter day.’
“’Bount dat time I felt a ’tickler kinder mizzry in my own innards,
an’ de nex’ thing I disremember I had Sister Ferreby ’round’ de neck
an’ we wus singin’ dat hymn tergedder. Lor’! hit wus awful. I’ve seed
menny a sight, but I nurver expect erg’in ter see three hundred an’
sixty-five niggers throwin’ up at de same time. When sum’ on ’em got
dey secon’ wind dey wanted to lynch me, but by de time dey got erroun’
to me wid a rope dey ’cided I wus too nigh dead to need killin’, and by
dis time dey all had to ’zamperfly de truth ob de biblical sayin’ about
de dog an’ de thing he would go back to. By dis time eb’ry doctor in de
country wus dar, fetchin’ all de querrintine offercers, an’ pest-tents,
an’ disenfec-tents, an’ preparin’ fer c’olera an’ fever. An’ den we
foun’ out what ailed us.”
“In the name of heaven, what was it?” I asked eagerly.
The tears rolled down the old man’s cheeks as he feebly begged for
another drop to enable him to finish his tale. Then he said:
“Ain’t I dun tole you hundreds ob times it am de leetle mistakes we
make in life dat turns de tide? Ain’t I? Wal, dat’s whut ruined me
dat day, an’ terday I am a man widout offis an’ widout honor in my
ole age. Dat mornin’, ’stead ob gwine down to de sto’ myse’f to get
de poun’ ob tartar acid ter make up dat lemmernade wid, I saunt dat
trifflin’ Jim Crow gran’son ob mine, an’ he got de names twisted, an’
’stead ob fetchin’ me back tartar acid, he fotcht me back a poun’ ob
tartar emetic, an’ I didn’t do a thing but make up dat lemmernade wid
it!”
“But, surely, they wouldn’t treasure up such a mistake against you,
seeing that you suffered with the rest,” I said.
“Boss,” said the old man, rising, “how long you gwine ter lib wid
niggers, an’ den hafter be tole ober an’ ober ergin de same thing? In
course, dey didn’t beat me fur offis on ercount ob dat fool mistake,
but jes’ lemme ax you, whar is de nigger libin’ dat gwinter vote fur
enny man dat’d lay out a hundred watermilions in de spring branch, let
’em look at ’em an hour, an’ den turn dat nigger’s stummick into a
green-persimmon fur a week? Whar is he, I ax?” And the old man crept
feebly out to find him a cheap coffin.