I
At the suggestion of several hundred thousand ladies desiring to revel
and possibly riot in the saturnalia of equal franchise, the unnamed lakes
in that vast and little known region in Alaska bounded by the Ylanqui
River and the Thunder Mountains were now being inexorably named after
women.
It was a beautiful thought. Already several exquisite, lonely bits of
water, gem-set among the eternal peaks, mirrors for cloud and soaring
eagle, a glass for the moon as keystone to the towering arch of stars,
had been irrevocably labelled.
Already there was Lake Amelia Jones, Lake Sadie Dingleheimer, Lake Maggie
McFadden, and Lake Mrs. Gladys Doolittle Batt.
I longed to see these lakes under the glamour of their newly added
beauty.
Imagine, therefore, my surprise and happiness when I received the
following communication from my revered and beloved chief, Professor
Farrago, dated from the Smithsonian Institute, Washington, whither he
had been summoned in haste to examine and pronounce upon the identity
of a very small bird supposed to be a specimen of that rare and almost
extinct creature, the two-toed titmouse, _Mustitta duototus_, to be
scientifically exact, as I invariably strive to be.
The important letter in question was as follows:
To
Percy Smith, B.S., D.F., etc., etc.,
Curator, Department of Anthropology,
Administration Building,
Bronx Park, N.Y.
_My Dear Mr. Smith_:
Several very important and determined ladies, recently honoured by
the Government in having a number of lakes in Alaska named after them,
have decided to make a pilgrimage to that region, inspired by a
characteristic desire to gaze upon the lakes named after them
individually.
They request information upon the following points:
1st. Are the waters of the lakes in that locality sufficiently clear
for a lady to do her hair by? In that event, the expedition will not
burden itself with looking-glasses.
2nd. Are there any hotels? (You need merely say, no. I have tried to
explain to them that it is, for the most part, an unexplored
wilderness, but they insist upon further information from you.)
3rd. If there are hotels, is there also running water to be had? (You
may tell them that there is plenty of running water.)
4th. What are the summer outdoor amusements? (You may inform them that
there is plenty of bathing, boating, fishing, and an abundance of shade
trees. Also, excellent mountain-climbing to be had in the vicinity. You
need not mention the pastimes of "Hunt the Flea" or "Dodge the
Skeeter.")
I am not by nature cruel, Mr. Smith, but when these ladies informed
me that they had decided to penetrate that howling and unexplored
wilderness without being burdened or interfered with by any member of
my sex, for one horrid and criminal moment I hoped they would. Because
in that event none of them would ever come back.
However, in my heart milder and more humane sentiments prevailed. I
pointed out to them the peril of their undertaking, the dangers of an
unexplored region, the necessity of masculine guidance and support.
My earnestness and solicitude were, I admit, prompted partly by a
desire to utilize this expensively projected expedition as a vehicle
for the accumulation of scientific data.
As soon as I heard of it I conceived the plan of attaching two members
of our Bronx Park scientific staff to the expedition--you, and Mr.
Brown.
But no sooner did these determined ladies hear of it than they repelled
the suggestion with indignation.
Now, the matter stands as follows: These ladies don't want any man in
the expedition; but they have at last realized that they've got to take
a guide or two. And there are no feminine guides in Alaska.
Therefore, considering the immense and vital importance of such an
opportunity to explore and report upon this unknown region at somebody
else's expense, I suggest that you and Brown meet these ladies at Lake
Mrs. Susan W. Pillsbury, which lies on the edge of the region to be
explored; that you, without actually perjuring yourselves too horribly,
convey to them the misleading impression that you are the promised
guides provided for them by a cowed and avuncular Government; and that
you take these fearsome ladies about and let them gaze at their
reflections in the various lakes named after them; and that, while the
expedition lasts, you secretly make such observations, notes, reports,
and collections of the flora and fauna of the region as your
opportunities may permit.
No time is to be lost. If, at Lake Susan W. Pillsbury, you find regular
guides awaiting these ladies, you will bribe these guides to go away
and you yourselves will then impersonate the guides. I know of no other
way for you to explore this region, as all our available resources at
Bronx Park have already been spent in painting appropriate scenery to
line the cages of the mammalia, and also in the present exceedingly
expensive expedition in search of the polka-dotted boom-bock, which is
supposed to inhabit the jungle beyond Lake Niggerplug.
My most solemn and sincere wishes accompany you. Bless you!
Farrago.