I
As everybody knows, the great majority of Americans, upon reaching the
age of natural selection, are elected to the American Institute of Arts
and Ethics, which is, so to speak, the Ellis Island of the Academy.
Occasionally a general mobilization of the Academy is ordered and, from
the teeming population of the Institute, a new Immortal is selected for
the American Academy of Moral Endeavor by the simple process of
blindfolded selection from _Who's Which_.
The motto of this most stately of earthly institutions is a peculiarly
modest, truthful, and unintentional epigram by Tupper:
"Unknown, I became Famous; Famous, I remain Unknown."
And so I found it to be the case; for, when at last I was privileged to
write my name, "Smith, Academician," I discovered to my surprise that I
knew none of my brother Immortals, and, more amazing still, none of them
had ever heard of me.
This latter fact became the more astonishing to me as I learned the
identity of the other Immortals.
Even the President of our great republic was numbered among these
Olympians. I had every right to suppose that he had heard of me. I had
happened to hear of him, because his Secretary of State once mentioned
him at Chautauqua.
It was a wonderfully meaningless sensation to know nobody and to discover
myself equally unknown amid that matchless companionship. We were like a
mixed bunch of gods, Greek, Norse, Hindu, Hottentot--all gathered on
Olympus, having never heard of each other but taking it for granted that
we were all gods together and all members of this club.
My initiation into the Academy had been fixed for April first, and I was
much worried concerning the address which I was of course expected to
deliver on that occasion before my fellow members.
It had to be an exciting address because slumber was not an infrequent
phenomenon among the Immortals on such solemn occasions. Like dozens of
dozing Joves a dull discourse always set them nodding.
But always under such circumstances the pretty ushers from Barnard
College passed around refreshments; a suffragette orchestra struck up;
the ushers uprooted the seated Immortals and fox-trotted them into
comparative consciousness.
But I didn't wish to have my inaugural address interrupted, therefore I
was at my wits' ends to discover a subject of such exciting scientific
interest that my august audience could not choose but listen as
attentively as they would listen from the front row to some deathless
stunt in vaudeville.
That morning I had left the Bronx rather early, hoping that a long walk
might compose my thoughts and enable me to think of some sufficiently
entertaining and unusual subject for my inaugural address.
I walked as far as Columbia University, gazed with rapture upon its
magnificent architecture until I was as satiated as though I had arisen
from a banquet at Childs'.
To aid mental digestion I strolled over to the noble home of the Academy
and Institute adjoining Mr. Huntington's Hispano-Moresque Museum.
It was a fine, sunny morning, and the Immortals were being exercised by a
number of pretty ushers from Barnard.
I gazed upon the impressive procession with pride unutterable; very soon
I also should walk two and two in the sunshine, my dome crowned with
figurative laurels, cracking scientific witticisms with my fellow
inmates, or, perhaps, squeezing the pretty fingers of some--But let that
pass.
I was, as I say, gazing upon this inspiring scene on a beautiful morning
in February, when I became aware of a short and visibly vulgar person
beside me, plucking persistently at my elbow.
"Are you the great Academician, Perfessor Smith?" he asked, tipping his
pearl-coloured and somewhat soiled bowler.
"Yes," I said condescendingly. "Your description of me precludes further
doubt. What can I do for you, my good man?"
"Are you this here Perfessor Smith of the Department of Anthropology in
the Bronx Park Zoölogical Society?" he persisted.
"What do you desire of me?" I repeated, taking another look at him. He
was exceedingly ordinary.
"Prof, old sport," he said cordially, "I took a slant at the papers
yesterday, an' I seen all about the big time these guys had when you rode
the goat--"
"Rode--_what_?"
"When you was elected. Get me?"