Nobody knows the misery of bein' lapped in luxury in a billet better than
me and Jim. Mrs. Dawkins, as I told you, give us the best of everything in
the 'ouse and our lives wasn't worth livin' owin' to Mr. Dawkins and the
little Dawkinses and a young man lodger takin' against us in consekence.
Seein' that they 'adn't a bed between 'em while we was given one apiece and
their end of the table had next to nothin' on when ours was weighed down
with sausages and suchlike, it were not surprisin' that Mr. Dawkins and the
lodger swore at us and the little Dawkinses put their tongues out. But it
were upsettin', and Jim and me did 'ope when we was moved to Mrs. Larkins's
that we had a better time in store.
"Just goin' to the Front, ain't they, poor fellows?" she said to the
billetin' orficer. "I'll do my best by 'em. Nobody wouldn't like to coddle
'em better than I should, but 'twould be crule kindness to 'em, I knows. If
'ardships are in store for 'em let 'em 'ave a taste before they goes, I
says, and it won't fall so 'eavy on 'em when they gets there."
"There's as comfortable a feather bed as you could wish to sleep on ready
and waitin' for you," she said to us, "but who with a woman's heart in her
could put you on a feather bed knowin' you'll be sleepin' on the bare earth
before three weeks is over your poor heads? I've put you a shake of straw
on the floor for to-night. I'll take it away to-morrow so as you shall get
used to the boards. I've wedged the winders top and bottom to make a
draught through; that'll help you to bear the wind over there."
It were a north-east wind, and it reglar took 'old of Jim. He's inclined to
toothake, and in the mornin' his face were as big as a football. "I _am_
thankful I thought of the winders," Mrs. Larkins said; "you'd 'ave suffered
terrible if you'd 'ad the faceake for the first time in the trenches; now
you'll get used to it before you gets there. A pepper plaster 'ud ease you
direckly, but you're goin' where there's no such things as pepper plasters,
and it 'ud be a sin to let you taste the luxury of one over 'ere."
Jim was for runnin' to the doctor to 'ave the tooth took out, but Mrs.
Larkins wouldn't 'ear of it. "My poor fellow," she said, "do you think a
doctor'll come along with his pinchers all ready to take your tooth out in
the trenches? You'll more like 'ave to do it yourself with a corkscrew.
I'll lend you one willin'." But Jim said he wouldn't trouble her just at
present, he was feelin' a little easier.
She didn't cook us nothin' to eat. "My fingers itch to turn you out
beyutiful dishes as your mouths 'ud water to come to a second time," she
said, "but it 'ud be a crule kindness, knowin' you'll be fendin' for
yourselves in a 'ole in the ground in three weeks' time. Better learn 'ow
to do it now. There's a bit o' meat, and you can dig up any vegetables you
fancy in the garden. I'll rake the fire out so as you shall learn 'ow to
light a fire for yourselves; and I'll put the saucepans out of your way; it
ain't likely you'll 'ave saucepans over there."
We was never nearer starvin' than we was at Mrs. Larkins's. She said it
made her heart bleed to see us, but we should be grateful to 'er one day
for teachin' us 'ow to cook our vittels for ourselves or go without 'em.
One of Jim's buttons come loose on his tunic and he asked Mrs. Larkins if
she would be so kind as to sew it on for him. "Nothin' would please me
better than to sew 'em all on, they're mostly 'angin' by a thread," she
said; "but do you expect to find a woman in the trenches all 'andy to sew
on your buttons? You'll 'ave to sew 'em on yourself, and the sooner you
learn 'ow to do it the better."
We was accustomed to 'ave our washin' done for us in our other billets, but
when the second Sunday come at Mrs. Larkins's and there wasn't no sign of a
clean shirt we felt obliged to mention it to 'er. "'Ere's a bit o' soap and
a bucket," she said, "and you knows where the well is."
When we'd washed 'em we was goin' to 'ang 'em round the fire to dry; but
she wouldn't 'ear of it. "Where'll you find a fire to dry 'em by over
there?" she said; "you'll 'ave to wear 'em wet." And when we got the
rheumatics she said, "Ah, a wet shirt's sure to do it. You'll never be
without it over there. It's a mercy you've got a touch now. I shouldn't be
sorry if I see you limpin' a bit more."
It took us some time in the trenches to get over our 'ardenin' at Mrs.
Larkins's.
* * * * *
"The Ministry therefore appeals to all users and buyers of paper to be
content with lower shades of whiteness, and generally to refrain from
all demands that would interfere with the desired economy. All that is
asked for is the sacrifice of anæsthetic requirements, in view of
national need."--_East Anglian Daily Times_.
If all the Press is to turn Yellow, the prospect is certainly painful and
we must insist on an anæsthetic.
* * * * *