A pacifist orator in Hyde Park, London, was declaiming against war.
Seeing a returned soldier listening on the edge of the crowd, he roared
out: “See that man! He is garbed in the uniform of war. But I belong to
the army of heaven.” The “Tommy,” leisurely removing his pipe from his
mouth, dryly replied: “You’re a ’ell of a way from your barracks, then.”
* * * * *
The height of Sir Walter Raleighism was observed at a bathing beach last
month, when a young man carried a bathing suit clad girl from boat to
shore through six inches of water so the poor dear would not get her feet
wet.
* * * * *
Blessed are the orphan children, for they have no mothers to spank them.
Blessed are they who expect nothing, for they shall not be disappointed.
* * * * *
All we have to do in Robbinsdale to feel the spirit of the good old days
is to eat an ear of corn and drink a pint of water.
* * * * *
Since the country is dry why manufacture umbrellas with crooked handles
to hang over bars?
* * * * *
If a woman can’t break some man’s heart she gets reckless and breaks her
own.
* * * * *
Wise men never borrow trouble when they can borrow money instead.
* * * * *
One swallow doesn’t make a summer,
But one frog can make a spring.
* * * * *
The other day I was riding in the street car. I had my eye on a seat, but
a woman sat on it.
* * * * *
A chilly reception doesn’t cool one off on a hot day.
* * * * *
Men fight with their fists, women with their tears.
* * * * *
When spinsterhood is bliss, ’tis folly to be wives.
* * * * *
We will now sing that touching little ballad, entitled, “Girls, don’t
put make-up on your eyes, I’ll blacken ’em for you,” by the writers of
“Naughty Nellie.”
* * * * *
First I gave her peaches,
Then I gave her pears
Then I gave her fifty cents
And kissed her on the stairs.
* * * * *
What we would like to know is what part of a woman’s anatomy are the
stairs. The author evidently received his training from the late Quenton,
who reported that a South St. Paul woman was shot in the boiler room.
Well, well, I must pull another cork now. Reminds me of the time I was
half shot in the Islands.
* * * * *