GOING t’other day to hear mass at a convent in this town, the door it
seems was shut, and a world of people pressing and begging to get in.
Upon enquiry what the matter was; they told me of a demoniac to be
exorcised; (or dispossessed) which made me put in for one, to see the
ceremony: though to little purpose; for when I had half smothered myself
in the throng, I was e’en glad to get out again, and bethink myself of my
lodging. Upon my way homeward, at the street’s end, it was my fortune to
meet a familiar friend of mine of the same convent; who told me over
again what I had heard before, and taking notice of my curiosity, bade me
follow him; which I did, till with his _passe-partout_ he brought me
through a little back-door into the church, and so into the vestry: where
we saw a wretched kind of a dog-looked fellow with a tippet about his
neck, as ill ordered as you’d wish; his clothes all in tatters, his hands
bound behind him, roaring and tearing after a most hideous manner.
“Bless me,” quoth I, crossing myself, “what spectacle have we here?”
“This,” said the good Father who was to do the feat, “is a man that’s
possessed with an evil spirit.” “That’s a damned lie,” with respect of
the company, cried the devil that tormented him, “for this is not a man
possessed with a devil, but a devil possessed with a man; and therefore
you should do well to have a care what you say, for it is most evident,
both by the question and answer, that you are but a company of sots. You
are to understand that we devils never enter into the body of a
catchpole, but by force, and in spite of our hearts; and therefore to
speak properly, you are to say, this is a devil catchpoled, and not a
catchpole bedevilled. And, to give you your due, you men can deal better
with us devils, than with the catchpoles, for we fly from the cross,
whereas they make use of it, for a cloak for their villainy.
“But though we differ thus in our humours, we hold a very fair
correspondence in our offices: if we draw men into judgment and
condemnation, so do the catchpoles; we pray for an increase of wickedness
in the world, so do they; nay and more zealously than we, for it is their
livelihood, and we do it only for company: and in this the catchpoles are
worse than the devils; they prey upon their own kind, and worry one
another. For our parts, we are angels still, though black ones, and were
turned into devils only for aspiring into an equality with our Maker:
whereas the very corruption of mankind is the generation of a catchpole.
So that, my good Father, your labour is but lost in plying this wretch
with relics; for you may as soon redeem a soul from hell, as a prey out
of his clutches. In fine, your algouazils (or catchpoles) and your
devils are both of an order, only your catchpole-devils wear shoes and
stockings, and we go barefoot after the fashion of this reverend Father;
and (to deal plainly) have a very hard time on’t.”
I was not a little surprised to find the devil so great a sophister, but
all this notwithstanding, the holy man went on with his exorcism, and to
stop the spirit’s mouth, washed his face with a little holy water, which
made the demoniac ten times madder than before, and set him a yelping so
horribly, that it deafened the company, and made the very ground under us
to tremble. “And now,” says he, “you may, perchance, imagine this
extravagance to be the effect of your holy water; but let me tell you,
that mere water itself would have done the same thing; for your catchpole
hates nothing in this world like water [especially that of a Gray’s Inn
pump]. But to conclude, they are so reprobated a sort of Christians,
that they have quitted even the very name of misins, by which they were
formerly known, for that of algouazils; the latter being of Pagan
extraction, and more suitable to their manners.”
“Come, come,” says the Father, “there is no ear, nor credit to be given
to this villain; set but his tongue at liberty, and you shall have him
fall foul upon the Government, and the ministers of justice, for keeping
the world in order and suppressing wickedness, because it spoils his
market.” “No more chopping of logic good Mr. Conjurer,” says the devil,
“for there’s more in’t than you are aware of; but if you’ll do a poor
devil a good office, give me my dispatch out of this accursed algouazil;
for I am a devil, you must know, of reputation and quality, and shall
never be able to endure the gibes and affronts will be put upon me at my
return to hell, for having kept this rascal company.” “All in good
time,” said the Father, “thou shalt have thy discharge; that is to say,
in pity to this miserable creature, and not for thy own sake. But tell
me now, what makes thee torment him thus?” “Nothing in the world,” quoth
the devil, “but a contest betwixt him and me, which was the greater devil
of the two.”
The conjurer did not at all relish these wild and malicious replies; but
to me the dialogue was extreme pleasant, especially being by this time a
little familiarized with the devil. “Upon which confidence, my good
Father,” said I, “here are none but friends; and I may speak to you as my
confessor, and the confidant of all the secrets of my soul; I have a
great mind, with your leave, to ask the devil a few questions, and who
knows but a man may be the better for his answers, though perchance
contrary to his intention! keep him only in the interim from tormenting
this poor creature.” The conjurer granted my request, and the spirit
went on with his babble. “Well,” says he smiling, “the devil shall never
want a friend at court, so long as there’s a poet within the walls. And
indeed the poets do us many a good turn, both by pimping and otherwise;
but if you,” said he, “should not be kind to us,” looking upon me,
“you’ll be thought very ungrateful, considering the honour of your
entertainment now in hell.” I asked him then what store of poets they
had? “Whole swarms,” says the devil; “so many, that we have been forced
to make more room for them: nor is there anything in nature so pleasant
as a poet in the first year of his probation; he comes ye laden forsooth,
with letters of recommendation to our superiors, and enquires very
gravely for Charon, Cerberus, Rhadamanthus, Æacus, Minos.”
“Well,” said I, “but what’s their punishment?” (for I began now to make
the poets’ case my own). “Their punishments,” quoth the devil, “are
many, and suited to the trade they drive. Some are condemned to hear
other men’s works: (and this is the plague of the fiddlers too) we have
others that are in for a thousand year, and yet still poring upon some
old stanzas they have made of jealousy. Some again are beating their
foreheads with the palms of their hands, and even boring their very noses
with hot irons, in rage that they cannot come to a resolution, whether
they shall say face or visage; whether they shall write jail or gaol;
whether cony or cunny, because it comes from _cuniculus_, a rabbit.
Others are biting their nails to the quick, and at their wits’ end for a
rime to chimney; and dozing up and down in a brown study, till they drop
into some hole at last, and give us trouble enough to get them out again.
But they that suffer the most, and fare the worst, are your comic poets,
for whoring so many queens and princesses upon the stage, and coupling
ladies of honour with lackeys, and noblemen with common strumpets, in the
winding up of their plays; and for giving the bastinado to Alexander and
Julius Cæsar in their interludes and farces. Now be it known to you,
that we do not lodge these with other poets, but with pettifoggers and
attorneys, as common dealers in the mystery of shifting, shuffling,
forging, and cheating: and now for the discipline of hell, you are to
understand we have incomparable harbingers and quartermasters; insomuch
that let them come in whole caravans, as it happened t’other day, every
man is in his quarter before you can say what’s this.
“There came to us several tradesmen; the first of them a poor rogue that
made profession of drawing the long bow; and him we were about to put
among the armourers, but one of the company moved and carried it, that
since he was so good at draughts, he might be sent to the clerks and
scriveners; a sort of people that will fit you with draughts, good and
bad, of all sorts and sizes, and to all purposes. Another called himself
a cutter, we asked him whether in wood or stone? ‘Neither,’ said he,
‘but in cloth and stuff’ (_Anglicè_ a tailor); and him we turned over to
those that were in for detraction and calumny, and for cutting large
thongs out of other men’s leather. There was a blind fellow would fain
have been among the poets, but (for likeness’ sake) we quartered him
among the lovers. After him, came a sexton, or (as he styled himself) a
burier of the dead; and then a cook that was troubled in conscience for
putting off cats for hares: These were dispatched away to the pastry-men.
A matter of half a dozen crack-brained fools we disposed of among the
astrologers and alchymists. In the number, there was one notorious
murderer, and him we packed away to the gentlemen of the faculty, the
physicians. The broken merchants we kennelled with Judas for making ill
bargains. Corrupt ministers and magistrates, with the thief on the left
hand. The embroilers of affairs, and the water-bearers take up with the
vintners; and the brokers with the Jews. Upon the whole matter, the
policy of hell is admirable, where every man has his place according to
his condition.”
“As I remember,” said I, “you were speaking e’en now concerning lovers.
Pray tell me, have you many of them in your dominions? I ask, because I
am myself a little subject to the itch of love, as well as poetry.”
“Love,” says the devil, “is like a great spot of oil, that diffuses
itself everywhere, and consequently hell cannot but be sufficiently
stocked with that sort of vermin. But let me tell you now, we have
several sorts of lovers; some dote upon themselves; others upon their
pelf; these upon their own discourses; those upon their own actions; and
once in an age perchance, comes a fellow that dotes upon his own wife;
but this is very rare, for the jades commonly bring their husbands to
repentance, and then the devil may throw his cap at them. But above all,
for sport (if there can be any in hell) commend me to those gaudy
monsieurs, who by the variety of colours and ribands they wear (favours
as they call them) one would swear, were only dressed up for a sample, or
kind of inventory of all the gewgaws that are to be had for love or money
at the mercers. Others you shall have so overcharged with perruque, that
you’ll hardly know the head of a cavalier from the ordinary block of a
tire-woman: and some again you’d take for carriers, by their packets and
bundles of love-letters; which being made combustible by the fire and
flame they treat of, we are so thrifty, as to employ upon the singeing of
their own tails, for the saving of better fuel. But, oh! the pleasant
postures of the maiden-lover, when he is upon the practice of the
gentle-leer, and embracing the air for his mistress! Others we have that
are condemned for feeling and yet never come to the touch: these pass for
a kind of buffoon pretenders; ever upon the vigil, but never arrive at
the festival. Some again have lost themselves with Judas for a kiss.
“One story lower is the abode of contented cuckolds; a nasty poisonous
place, and strewed all over with the horns of rams and bulls, etc. Now
these are so well read in woman, and know their destiny so well
beforehand, that they never so much as trouble their heads for the
matter. Ye come next to the admirers of old women; and these are
wretches of so depraved an appetite, that if they were not kept tied up,
and in chains, they’d horse the very devils themselves, and put Barabbas
to his trumps, to defend his buttocks: for the truth is, whatever you may
think of a devil, he passes with them for a very Adonis or Narcissus.
“So much for your curiosity; a word now for your instruction. If you
would make an interest in hell, you must give over that roguy way ye have
got of abusing the devils in your shows, pictures, and emblems: one while
forsooth we are painted with claws, or talons, like eagles, or griffons.
Another while we are dressed up with tails, like so many hackney-jades
with their fly-flaps: and now and then ye shall see a devil with a
coxcomb. Now I will not deny, but some of us may indeed be very well
taken for hermits, and philosophers. If you can help us in this point,
do; and we shall be ready to do ye one good turn for another. I was
asking Michael Angelo here a while ago, why he drew the devils in his
great piece of the Last Judgment, with so many monkey faces, and
jack-pudding postures. His answer was, that he followed his fancy,
without any malice in the world, for as then, he had never seen any
devils; nor (indeed) did he believe that there were any; but he has now
learned the contrary to his cost. There’s another thing too we take
extremely ill, which is, that in your ordinary discourses, ye are out
with your purse presently to every rascal, and calling of him devil. As
for example. Do you see how this devil of a tailor has spoiled my suit?
how the devil has made me wait? how this devil has cozened me, etc.,
which is very ill done, and no small disparagement to our quality, to be
ranked with tailors: a company of slaves, that serve us in hell only for
brush-wood; and they are fain to beg hard to be admitted at all: though I
confess they have possession on their sides, and custom, which is another
law. Being in possession of theft, and stolen goods; they make much more
conscience of keeping your stuffs, than your holy days, grumbling and
domineering at every turn, if they have not the same respect with the
children of the family. Ye have another trick, too, of giving everything
to the devil, that displeases ye, which we cannot but take very unkindly.
‘The devil take thee,’ says one: a goodly present I warrant ye; but the
devil has somewhat else to do, than to take and carry away all that’s
given him; if they’ll come of themselves, let them come and welcome.
Another gives that whelp of a lackey to the devil; but the devil will
none of your lackeys, he thanks ye for your love; a pack of rogues that
are commonly worse than devils, and to say the truth, they are good
neither roast nor sodden. ‘I give that Italian to the devil,’ cries a
third; thank you for nothing: for ye shall have an Italian will choose
the devil himself, and take him by the nose like mustard. Some again
will be giving a Spaniard to the devil; but he has been so cruel
where-ever he has got footing, that we had rather have his room than his
company, and make a present to the grand-signior of his nutmegs.”
Here the devil stopped, and in the same instant, there happening a slight
scuffle, betwixt a couple of conceited coxcombs, which should go
foremost: I turned to see the matter, and cast my eye upon a certain
tax-gatherer, that had undone a friend of mine: and in some sort to
revenge myself of this ass in a lion’s skin, I asked the devil, whether
they had not of that sort of blood-suckers among the rest, in their
dominions (an informing, projecting generation of men, and the very bane
of a kingdom). “You know little,” says he, “if you do not know these
vermin to be the right heirs of perdition, and that they claim hell for
their inheritance: and yet we are now e’en upon the point of discarding
them, for they are so pragmatical, and ungrateful, there’s no enduring of
them. They are at this present in consultation about an impost upon the
highway to hell; and indeed payments run so high already, and are so
likely to increase too, that ’tis much feared in the end, we shall quite
lose our trading and commerce. But if ever they come to put this in
execution, we shall be so bold, as to treat them next bout, to the tune
of ‘Fortune my foe,’ etc. and make them cool their heels on the wrong
side of the door, which will be worse than hell to them, for it leaves
them no retreat, being expelled paradise, and purgatory already.” “This
race of vipers,” said I, “will never be quiet, till they tax the way to
heaven itself.” “Oh,” quoth the devil, “that had been done long since,
if they had found the play worth the candles: but they have had a factor
abroad now these half-score years, that’s glad to wipe his nose on his
sleeve still, for want of a handkerchief.” “But these new impositions,
upon what I pray ye do they intend to levy them?” “For that,” quoth the
devil, “there’s a gentleman of the trade at your elbow can tell you all;”
pointing to my old friend the publican. This drew the eyes of the whole
company upon him, and put him so damnedly out of countenance, that he
plucked down his hat over his face, clapped his tail between his legs,
and went his way; with which we were all of us well enough pleased, and
then the devil went on. “Well,” said the devil, and laughed, “my voucher
is departed ye see; but I think I can say as much to this point as
himself; the impositions now to be set on foot, are upon bare-necked
ladies, patches, mole-skins, Spanish-paper, and all the _mundus
muliebris_ more than what is necessary and decent; upon your _tour à la
mode_, and spring garden coaches; excess in apparel, collations, rich
furniture, your cheating, and blaspheming gaming ordinaries, and, in
general, upon whatsoever serves to advance our empire; so that without a
friend at court, or some good magistrate to help us out at a dead lift,
and stick to us, we may e’en put up our pipes, and you’ll find hell a
very desert.” “Well,” said I, “and methinks I see nothing in all this,
but what is very reasonable; for to what end serves it but to corrupt
good manners, stir up ill appetites, provoke and encourage all sorts of
debauchery, destroy all that is good and honourable in humane society,
and chalk out in effect the ready way to the devil.
“But you said something e’en now of magistrates, I hope,” said I, “there
are no judges in hell.” “You may as well imagine,” cried the spirit,
“that there are no devils there; for let me tell you (friend mine) your
corrupt judges are the great spawners that supply our lake; for what are
those millions of catchpoles, proctors, attorneys, clerks, barristers,
that come sailing to us every day in shoals, but the fry of such judges!
Nay sometimes, in a lucky year, for cheating, forging, and forswearing,
we can hardly find cask to put them in.”
“From hence now,” quoth I, “would you infer, that there’s no justice upon
the face of the earth.” “Very right,” quoth the devil, “for Astræa
(which is the same thing) is fled long since to heaven. Do not ye know
the story?” “No,” said I. “Then,” quoth the devil, “mind me and I’ll
tell ye it.
“Once upon a time Truth and Justice came together to take up their
quarters upon the earth: but the one being naked, and the other very
severe and plain-dealing, they could not meet with anybody that would
receive them. At last, when they had wandered a long time like vagabonds
in the open air, Truth was glad to take up her lodging with a mute; and
Justice, perceiving that though her name was much used for a cloak to
knavery, yet that she herself was in no esteem, took up a resolution of
returning to heaven: and in order to her journey, she bade adieu in the
first place to all courts, palaces, and great cities, and went into the
country, where she met with some few poor simple cottagers, that gave her
entertainment; but malice and persecution found her out in the end, and
she was banished thence too. She presented herself in many places, and
people asked her what she was? She answered them, ‘Justice,’ for she
would not lie for the matter. ‘Justice?’ cried they, ‘she is a stranger
to us; tell her here’s nothing for her,’ and shut the door. Upon these
repulses, she took wing, and away she went to heaven, hardly leaving so
much as the bare print of her footsteps behind her. Her name however is
not yet forgotten, and she’s pictured with a sceptre in her hand, and is
still called Justice; but call her what ye will, she makes as good a fire
in hell as a tailor; and for sleight of hand, puts down all the gilts,
cheats, picklocks, and trepanners in the world: to say the truth, avarice
is grown to that height, that men employ all the faculties of soul and
body to rob and deceive. The lecher, does not he steal away the honour
of his mistress? (though with her consent). The attorney picks your
pocket, and shows you a law for’t; the comedian gets your money and your
time, with reciting other men’s labours; the lover cozens you with his
eyes; the eloquent, with his tongue; the valiant, with his arm; the
musician, with his voice and fingers; the astrologer, with his
calculations; the apothecary, with sickness and health; the surgeon, with
blood; and the physician, with death itself; and in some sort or other,
they are all cheats; but the catchpole (in the name of justice) abuses
you with his whole man; he watches you with his eyes; follows you with
his feet; seizes with his hands; accuses with his tongue; and in fine,
put it in your litany, from catchpoles, as well as devils, _libera nos
domine_.”
“But how comes it,” said I, “that you have not coupled the women with the
thieves? for they are both of a trade.” “Not a word of women as ye love
me,” quoth the devil, “for we are so tired out with their importunities;
so deafened with the eternal clack of their tongues, that we start at the
very thought of them. And to say the truth, hell were no ill winter
quarter, if it were not so overstocked with that sort of cattle. Since
the death of the Witch of Endor, it has been all their business to
improve themselves in subtlety and malice, and to set us together by the
ears among ourselves. Nay some of them are confident enough, to tell us
to our teeth, that when we have done our worst, they’ll give us a Rowland
for our Oliver. Only this comfort we have, that they are a cheaper
plague to us, than they are to you; for we have no Exchanges, Hyde Parks,
or Spring Gardens in our territories.”
“You are well stored then with women, I see, but of which have you most?”
said I, “handsome, or ill-favoured?” “Oh, of the ill-favoured, six for
one,” quoth the devil, “for your beauties can never want gallants to lay
their appetites; and many of them, when they come at last to have their
bellies full, e’en give over the sport, repent and ’scape. Whereas
nobody will touch the ill-favoured without a pair of tongs; and for want
of water to quench their fire, they come to us such skeletons, that they
are enough to affright the devil himself. For they are most commonly,
old, and accompany their last groans with a curse upon the younger that
are to survive them. I carried away one t’other day of threescore and
ten, that I took just in the nick, as she was upon a certain exercise to
remove obstructions: and when I came to land her, alas for the poor
woman! what a terrible fit had she got of the toothache! when upon
search, the devil a tooth had she left in her head, only she belied her
chops to save her credit.”
“You have exceedingly satisfied me,” said I, “in all your answers; but
pray’e once again, what store of beggars have ye in hell? Poor people I
mean.” “Poor,” quoth the devil, “who are they?” “Those,” said I, “that
have no possessions in the world.” “How can that be,” quoth he, “that
those should be damned, that have nothing in the world? when men are only
damned for cleaving to’t. And briefly I find none of their names in our
books, which is no wonder, for he that has nothing to trust to, shall be
left by the devil himself in time of need. To deal plainly with you,
where have you greater devils than your flatterers, false friends, lewd
company, envious persons, than a son, a brother, or a relation, that lies
in wait for your life to get your fortune, that mourns over you in your
sickness, and wishes you already at the devil. Now the poor have none of
this; they are neither flattered, nor envied, nor befriended, nor
accompanied: there’s no gaping for their possessions; and in short, they
are a sort of people that live well, and die better; and there are some
of them, that would not exchange their rags for royalty itself: they are
at liberty to go and come at pleasure, be it war or peace; free from
cares, taxes, and public duties. They fear no judgments or executions,
but live as inviolable as if their persons were sacred. Moreover they
take no thoughts for tomorrow, but setting a just value on their hours,
they are good husbands of the present; considering that what is past, is
as good as dead, and what’s to come, uncertain. But they say, ‘When the
devil preaches, the world’s near an end.’”
“The Divine Hand is in this,” said the holy man that performed the
exorcism, “thou art the father of lies, and yet deliverest truths able to
mollify and convert a heart of stone.” “But do not you mistake
yourself,” quoth the devil, “to suppose that your conversion is my
business; for I speak these truths to aggravate your guilt, and that you
may not plead ignorance another day, when you shall be called to answer
for your transgressions. ’Tis true, most of you shed tears at parting,
but ’tis the apprehension of death, and no true repentance for your sins
that works upon you: for ye are all a pack of hypocrites: or if at any
time you entertain those reflections, your trouble is, that your body
will not hold out; and then forsooth ye pretend to pick a quarrel with
the sin itself.” “Thou art an impostor,” said the religious, “for there
are many righteous souls, that draw their sorrow from another fountain.
But I perceive you have a mind to amuse us, and make us lose time, and
perchance your own hour is not yet come to quit the body of this
miserable creature; however, I conjure thee in the name of the Most High
to leave tormenting him, and to hold thy peace.” The devil obeyed; and
the good Father applying himself to us, “My masters,” says he, “though I
am absolutely of opinion that it is the devil that has talked to us all
this while through the organ of this unhappy wretch, yet he that well
weighs what has been said, may doubtless reap some benefit by the
discourse. Wherefore without considering whence it came; remember, that
Saul (although a wicked prince) prophesied; and that honey has been drawn
out of the mouth of a lion. Withdraw then, and I shall make it my prayer
(as ’tis my hope) that this sad and prodigious spectacle may lead you to
a true sight of your errors, and, in the end, to amendment of life.”
* * * * *