"A PROTEST.--Is there any reason why the War should be made an
excuse for the abandonment of the niceties of life? Dining at
a West-End restaurant nowadays one might well imagine oneself
in America, from the variety and incongruity of the dress of
the male patrons."--_Advt. in "The Times."_
We fear that the protest is only too well justified. Indeed, much more
might be revealed were it not for the heavy hand of the C----r. Our
special representative reports:--
To the O.C., _Punch_ Battalion, Bouverie Brigade, Fleet Division,
E.C., of London Reserves.
_A City on the river T----s.
Nov. the --teenth._
Carrying out your order No. 69A, I made a night reconnaissance in
force. I have the honour to report that at dinner at a certain hotel
two hundred yards east by north of railway base C----g X, I counted
only five boiled shirts. Have reason to suspect that they were
subsidised by the management, and were worn by Stock Exchange members
thrown out of employment by the War and endeavouring to supplement
their private incomes.
The rest of the male costumes were mainly khaki. One man entered
dining-room with Buffalo Bill hat decorated with maple-leaf and A.M.S.
(Athabasca Mounted Scalpers), which he deposited on chair next to him.
The only nut present endeavoured to remove this object. The A.M.S. man
touched his hip-pocket significantly, and said: "The drinks are on
you."
At the table next to him was a group of South American magnates in
tweed suits decorated with large buttons reading: "_No me habla de la
guerra!_" If the man from Athabasca should start conversation with
them about the war, it seemed probable that gun-fighting would ensue.
I therefore enfiladed the position and took cover. However, the
sergeant-waiter tactfully shifted a palm into screening position
between the two tables, and thus averted the spreading of the War to
Latin America.
Similar state of affairs existed in stalls of certain theatre within
outpost distance of P----y C----s. Ladies were openly knitting socks
and intimate woollen garments between the Acts. Management seemed
powerless to restore the conventions of peace-time.
At the C----n Tavern the bar-tender had pasted notice on mirror behind
him: "This Saloon closes at ten sharp. Gents are kindly requested not
to start nothing here." The announcement seemed to have been
effective, for very few bullet-marks were to be noted.
By midnight, L----r S----e and R----t S----t were comparatively clear
of dagos. This was due to efforts of street-cleaning corps (3rd County
of L----n Light Hose).
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[Illustration: _Recruiting Officer (to brawny pitman who has just passed
his medical examination)_. "WHAT REGIMENT DO YOU WISH TO JOIN?"
_Pitman_. "I DON'T CARE."
_Officer_. "SURE YOU HAVE NO PREFERENCE?"
_Pitman_. "WELL, PUT ME IN ONE O' THEM THAT SPIKES THE BEGGARS."]
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