When the old gentleman came in I noticed at once that he was out of
humour. He had a large scar on his chin, and three pieces of newspaper
on his cheeks. He discharged the contents of my tobacco pouch into a
pipe which had a holding capacity of one and a half ounces, and then he
became more cheerful--
"I dislike extremely," said he, "the impertinent interference with
nature which men are nowadays guilty of. Not content with clamping our
feet in leathern boxes, our legs in cloth cylinders, our trunks in a
variety of wrappings of complex inutility, and then inserting our heads
into monstrous felt pots, we even approach ourselves more minutely and
scrape the very hair from our faces which nature has sown there for
purposes of ornament and protection; with the result, that it is
difficult for a short-sighted person to distinguish rapidly the sex of
the people with whom he comes in contact saving by a minute and tedious
examination of their clothing.
"This habit of shaving is one which is entirely confined to man. It is
the one particular habit that he holds apart from all other animals,
and, indeed, it is not an accomplishment upon which he need pride
himself, for in parting with his beard he has sacrificed the only
pleasant-looking portion of his face.
"It could easily be proved that hair and innocence have a subtle
relationship. No very hairy person is really vicious, as witness the
caterpillar, of whom I have not heard that he ever bit any one: while,
on the other hand, the frog, who is born bald, would doubtless be very
savage were it not for the fact that nature has benevolently curtailed
his teeth. Fishes, also, an uncleanly race, and who I fancy are shaved
before birth, are all monsters of cold-blooded ferocity, and they will
devour their parents and even their own offspring with equal and
indiscriminate enjoyment.
"The habit of shaving is not of a very ancient origin. When humanity
lived a quiet, rural and unambitious life, men did not shave: their
hair was their glory, and if they had occasion to swear, which must
have been infrequent, their hardiest and readiest oath was, 'by the
beard of my father,' showing clearly that this texture was held in
veneration in early times and was probably accorded divine honours upon
suitable occasions.
"With the advent of war came the habit of shaving. A beard offered too
handy a grip to a foeman who had gotten to close quarters, therefore,
warriors who had no true hardihood of soul preferred cutting off their
beards to the honourable labour of defending their chins. Many ancient
races effected a compromise in order to retain a fitting military
appearance, for a bare-faced warrior has but little of terror in his
aspect. The ancient Egyptians, for example, who had cut off, or could
not cultivate, or had been forcibly deprived of their beards, were wont
to go into battle clad in heavy false whiskers, which, when an enemy
seized hold of them, came off instantly in his hand, and the ancient
Egyptian was enabled to despatch him while in a trance of stupefaction
and horror. Clean-shaved men became, by this cowardly stratagem, very
much prized as fighting men, and thus the foundation of the shaving
habit was laid.
"It is a remarkable fact that, save for an inconsiderable number who
live in circuses, women have no beards. I am unable at present to
trace the reason for this singular omission, but the advantages of
beards for women are too patent for explanation. They would improve
her personal appearance, and their advantages as air-purifiers or
respirators I need not dwell upon. I am certain that a persistent
application of goose-grease and electricity to the chin of a woman
would at last enable her to become as bearded and virtuous as her
husband, besides entitling her to the political franchise. They are
perverse creatures, however, and it is possible that this deprivation
is responsible for many of their ill-humours and crankinesses. Their
scarcity of beard is the more remarkable when we observe that the
female cat is as magnificently whiskered as her male companion. The
wisdom of cats is proverbial, and I have never heard of a cat who has
hired another cat to bite out, tear off, scrape or otherwise demolish
his or her whiskers. When I do hear of some such occurrence I shall be
prepared to reconsider my position on this subject.
"In some ways a clean-shaved face is desirable. A pig's cheek should
not have whiskers, neither should oysters nor the face of a clock, but
a man's face should never be seen out of doors without a decent and
honourable covering."
Having said this, the old gentleman, with remarkable presence of mind,
drank my whisky, and then apologised with dignified and touching
humility. As we departed the youth behind the counter corrugated his
features in a remarkable manner, and said, "bow-wow" by way of
valediction.