The old gentleman was in a very bad temper when I arrived. He had a
large glass of porter in his hand--a pint, in fact--and he was gazing
on this liquid with no great favour. I was a little surprised at his
choice of a drink, for I had never before known him care for any other
refreshment than spirits; but I did not like to make any reference to
the change. Looking thus, with great disgust, upon his pint, he began
to talk with some asperity about the English nation.
"The ways of Providence," said he, "are indeed inscrutable, else why
should there be such things in the world as lobsters, gutta-percha,
ballet-dancers, and Englishmen? These four objects, and some
others--notably water, tram-cars, and warts--I can find no necessity
for in nature; but there must be some reason for such, or else they
could not have arrived at the more or less mature stage of development
at which they are found.
"If we apply the canons of the Pragmatic philosophy to these objects we
will arrive at some conclusion which, although it may not justify their
existence, will give a hint as to their expediency. The question to be
put to any doubtful fact in nature is this--'What is your use?' and the
reality of the fact is in ratio to the degree of usefulness inhering in
it. Thus treated, most of the objects to which I have referred may be
able to adduce some excuse for their existence. A lobster may aver
that if he were not alive his absence would be a severe blow to the
lobster-pot industry, and would throw many respectable families on the
already-overburdened rates. Gutta-percha might plead that it has
aspired through many millions of ages to a maturity which would enable
it to rub out lead-pencil marks. Ballet-dancers would have a great
deal to say for themselves, possibly on moral grounds; but I really see
no reason for Englishmen.
"I have said that an object is real in ratio to its usefulness. If we
examine an Englishman thus pragmatically we must discover that his
usefulness is zero, and we are then forced to inquire why he exists at
all, for he does undoubtedly exist, as witness this pint of porter
which I hold in my hand, and which I do hold in my hand solely on
account of the unexplainable existence of Englishmen.
"I may say at once that I never indulge in this particular form of
refreshment, against which I have nothing further to charge than it
does not agree with my system, but I am no bigot in such matters, and
can quite willingly believe that lower natures and less cultivated
palates may take pleasure in secreting this inordinately lengthy
liquid. I cannot avoid the belief that any liquid which may be imbibed
by the imperial pint is an essentially gross drink, and one unfitted
for persons of a high culture. Nor can I find in nature that any of
the more specialised organisms take their drink in such extravagant
quantities. Camels, who, I am informed, are a very well-behaved and
moral race leading rigorous and chaste lives in a desert, do drink
deeply, but their excess is more apparent than real, for Providence in
an aberration endowed these folk with more stomachs than the average
person possesses, and the necessity for filling these additional
cisterns accounts for and justifies their liberal use of moisture.
Worms, on the other hand, are a folk for whom I have very little
reverence and no affection. I am not aware whether they are all
stomach or all neck, but from their corner-boy expression I am inclined
to fancy that worms would drink pints if they could. Happily, this
disgusting exhibition is forbidden by the imperfect state of their
civilisation and the inelastic quality of their environment.
"But this is beside the point. My grievance is, that in my old age I
am forced to drink porter which disagrees with my liver, and am
compelled to abstain from spirits which have a sustaining and medicinal
effect on that organ, and this deprivation is solely due to the
unnatural and inexplicable existence of Englishmen. It may be that
nature grew Englishmen for the sole purpose of interfering with my
organs, and so, by modifying my teaching in accordance with my diseased
interior, nature may be striving to evolve a new culture wherein bile
will have a rare ability. If this is so, then I am not at all obliged
to nature for singling me out as the instrument of her changes; if it
is not so I can only confess my ignorance and wash my hands of the
matter.
"Mark you, it was only during my lifetime that an exorbitant tax was
placed on whisky. Before my era the interference with this refreshment
was of the most tentative and apologetic description.
"I can remember, and I do remember with dismay, the time when whisky
was purchaseable at two bronze pennies for the naggin, but now one may
discharge a ruinous impost for the privilege of imbibing one poor
fourth of that happy measure.
"This has been brought about by the continuous interference of
Englishmen with my liquor. Time and again they have added additional
difficulties to my obtaining this medicinal refreshment, and, while I
am compelled to bow my head to the ideas of nature for the improvement
of our race, I am often inclined, having bowed it, to charge goat-like
at these intolerable people and butt them off the face of the earth
into the nowhere for which their villainous and ungenial habits have
fitted them. Otherwise, by their future exactions I may be brought to
the drinking of benzene or printer's ink for lack of a fortune
wherewith to purchase fitter refreshment."
Having said this with great fury, the old gentleman laid down his
untasted pint and stalked out. The acolyte behind the counter made a
sympathetic clicking noise with his tongue and sold the pint to another
man.--He probably did this thoughtlessly, and I did not care to
embarrass him by remarking on it.