The old gentleman condescended to accept the last cigar which I had,
and, having lit it with my only match, he earnestly advised me never to
smoke to excess, because this indulgence brought spots before the eyes,
deteriorated the moral character, and was, moreover, exceedingly
expensive.--On the subject of smoking and tobacco he spoke as follows--
"I have observed that people who do not smoke are usually of a sour and
unsociable disposition. All red-haired people smoke naturally, and
they almost invariably use cut-plug. Very dark-haired men smoke twist,
and their natural strength and virtue is such that in the intervals of
smoking they also chew tobacco. Fair-haired men generally smoke
cigarettes--they do this, not for the purpose of enjoyment, but purely
in imitation of their betters. However, in later life, when they
become bald, as they invariably do, they also became regenerate and
smoke pig-tail. Men with mouse-coloured hair do not smoke at all.
They collect postage stamps and sea-shells, and are usually to be found
sitting round a fire with other girls eating chocolates and seeking for
replies to such questions as, when is a door not a door? and why does a
chicken cross the road? They are miserable creatures whom I will not
further mention.
"The usage of tobacco, or some smokable substitute, is as old as
primitive man. Almost all nations of the earth are adepts in this
particular habit. It is, of course, an acquired taste, as also are
washing and tomatoes. We are born with appetites which are static and
unchangeable, but we are also born with a yearning for pleasure which
is almost as positive as an appetite and only needs cultivation to
become equally imperative. Doubtless, a traveller from some distant
planet, who knew nothing of tobacco, would be astonished at the
spectacle of a man exhaling smoke from his lips with splendid
unconcern, and our traveller's conjectures as to the origin of the
smoke and the immunity of the smoker would be highly amusing and
instructive.
"I am often surprised on reflecting that our immediate ancestors were
debarred from this pleasant indulgence, and I have wondered how they
made the evenings pass. The lack of tobacco and pockets in their
clothes (both of which are great civilising agents) may have been
responsible for the wars, harryings, kidnappings and cattle raids
which, alternating with rigorous and austere religious ceremonial,
formed the bulk of their pleasures. Nowadays we leave these violent
entertainments to children and the semi-literate and take our pleasures
more composedly. A man who can put his hands in his pockets will
seldom remove them for the purpose of slaying some one whose only fault
is that he was born in the County Sligo. A man with a pipe in his
teeth will be too much at peace with society to endanger its existence.
"If the blessings of tobacco should be extended to the remainder of the
vertebrates (as, why should it not?) I am sure that lions, elephants,
and wild boars would avail themselves of it. So, also, would
kangaroos, a beautiful and agile race living in Polynesia, or
thereabouts--they are beautiful hoppers, and collect large quantities
of this plant. In this direction they are especially well equipped,
each having a pouch in her stomach in which to carry tobacco and hops,
but wherein they now ignorantly secrete their young. Serpents would
smoke a pipe with considerable elegance, and might become more
benevolent in consequence. Frogs would smoke, but I fancy they would
expectorate too elaborately to be neighbourly. Fish, however, would
not smoke at all.--They are a cowardly and corrupt people, living in
water, which is a singular thing to do. Neither would many birds
smoke, they have neither the stamina nor the teeth, but I am certain
that crows and jackdaws would chew tobacco eagerly and with true
relish. A large proportion of the insecta are too light-minded and
frivolous to care for smoking. Beetles, however, a very reserved and
dignified race, would smoke cigars, and so would cockroaches, a rather
saturnine and cynical people; but no others.
"As for women--I am astonished they have not smoked, by mere contagion,
long ago. If they did they would certainly grow more kind-hearted and
manly, and I am sure that a deputation of ladies with pipes in their
mouths and hands in their pockets would only have to demand the
franchise from an astounded ministry to obtain it.
"Members of Parliament are, I believe, either a separate creation or a
composite of the parrot and the magpie. I have not yet discovered
their particular function in nature but have observed them with some
particularity. They wear top hats and are constantly making speeches,
both of which are easy things to do and quite pleasant minor
accomplishments.--So far as I can gather their chief use has been to
pass something called a Budget. From the fact that this Budget
contains a disgraceful imposition on tobacco I must take it that
Members of Parliament are among the lower animals who do not
smoke--they are also uninteresting in other ways."
Having said this my old friend bowed to me and departed genially with
my cigar case in his pocket. The shirt-sleeved Adonis behind the
counter wagged his head solemnly at a fly and then clouted it with a
dish-cloth.