It was now his custom to sit there. The world has its habits, why
should a man not have his? The earth rolls out of light and into
darkness as punctually as a business man goes to and from his office;
the seasons come with the regularity of automata, and go as if they
were pushed by an ejector; so, night after night, he strolled from the
Place de l'Observatoire to the Font St. Michel, and, on the return
journey, sat down at the same Café, at the same table, if he could
manage it, and ordered the same drink.
So regular had his attendance become that the waiter would suggest the
order before it was spoken. He did not drink beer because he liked it,
but only because it was not a difficult thing to ask for. Always he
had been easily discouraged, and he distrusted his French almost as
much as other people had reason to. The only time he had varied the
order was to request "un vin blanc gommée," but on that occasion he had
been served with a postage stamp for twenty-five centimes, and he still
wondered when he remembered it.
He liked to think of his first French conversation. He wanted
something to read in English, but was timid of asking for it. He
walked past all the newspaper kiosks on the Boulevard, anxiously
scanning the vendors inside--they were usually very stalwart, very
competent females, who looked as though they had outgrown their sins
but remembered them with pleasure. They had the dully-polished,
slightly-battered look of a modern antique. The words "M'sieu, Madame"
rang from them as from bells. They were very alert, sitting, as it
were, on tiptoe, and their eyes hit one as one approached. They were
like spiders squatting in their little houses waiting for their daily
flies.
He found one who looked jolly and harmless, sympathetic indeed, and to
her, with a flourished hat, he approached. Said he, "Donnez-moi,
Madame, s'il vous plaît, le _Daily Mail_." At the second repetition
the good lady smiled at him, a smile compounded of benevolence and
comprehension, and instantly, with a "V'la M'sieu," she handed him _The
New York Herald_. They had saluted each other, and he marched down the
road in delight, with his first purchase under his arm and his first
foreign conversation accomplished.
At that time everything had delighted him--the wide, well-lighted
Boulevard, the concierges knitting in their immense doorways, each
looking like a replica of the other, each seeming sister to a
kiosk-keeper or a cat. The exactly-courteous speech of the people and
their not quite so rigorously courteous manners pleased him. He
listened to the voluble men who went by, speaking in a haste so
breathless that he marvelled how the prepositions and conjunctions
stuck to their duty in so swirling an ocean of chatter. There was a
big black dog with a mottled head who lay nightly on the pavement
opposite the Square de l'Observatoire. At intervals he raised his lean
skull from the ground and composed a low lament to an absent friend.
His grief was respected. The folk who passed stepped sidewards for
him, and he took no heed of their passage--a lonely, introspective dog
to whom a caress or a bone were equally childish things: Let me alone,
he seemed to say, I have my grief, and it is company enough. There was
the very superior cat who sat on every window-ledge, winking at life.
He (for in France all cats are masculine by order of philology), he did
not care a rap for man or dog, but he liked women and permitted them to
observe him. There was the man who insinuated himself between the
tables at the Café, holding out postcard-representations of the
Pantheon, the Louvre, Notre Dame, and other places. From beneath these
cards his dexterous little finger would suddenly flip others. One saw
a hurried leg, an arm that shone and vanished, a bosom that fled shyly
again, an audacious swan, a Leda who was thoroughly enjoying herself
and had never heard of virtue. His look suggested that he thought
better of one than to suppose that one was not interested in the nude.
"M'sieu," he seemed to say, with his fixed, brown-eyed regard, "this is
indeed a leg, an authentic leg, not disguised by even the littlest of
stockings; it is arranged precisely as M'sieu would desire it." His
sorrow as he went away was dignified with regret for an inartistic
gentleman. One was _en garçon_, and yet one would not look at one's
postcards! One had better then cease to be an artist and take to
peddling onions and asparagus as the vulgar do.
It was all a long time ago, and now, somehow, the savour had departed
from these things. Perhaps he had seen them too often. Perhaps a kind
of public surreptitiousness, a quite open furtiveness, had troubled
him. Maybe he was not well. He sat at his Café, three quarters down
the Boulevard, and before him a multitude of grotesque beings were
pacing as he sipped his bock.
Good manners decreed that he should not stare too steadfastly, and he
was one who obeyed these delicate dictations. Alas! he was one who
obeyed all dictates. For him authority wore a halo, and many sins
which his heyday ought to have committed had been left undone only
because they were not sanctioned by immediate social usage. He was
often saddened when he thought of the things he had not done. It was
the only sadness to which he had access, because the evil deeds which
he had committed were of so tepid and hygienic a character that they
could not be mourned for without hypocrisy, and now that he was
released from all privileged restraints and overlookings and could do
whatever he wished he had no wish to do anything.
His wife had been dead for over a year. He had hungered, he had prayed
for her death. He had hated that woman (and for how many years!) with
a kind of masked ferocity. How often he had been tempted to kill her
or to kill himself! How often he had dreamed that she had run away
from him or that he had run away from her! He had invented Russian
Princes, and Music Hall Stars, and American Billionaires with whom she
could adequately elope, and he had both loved and loathed the prospect.
What unending, slow quarrels they had together! How her voice had
droned pitilessly on his ears! She in one room, he in another, and
through the open door there rolled that unending recitation of woes and
reproaches, an interminable catalogue of nothings, while he sat dumb as
a fish, with a mind that smouldered or blazed. He had stood unseen
with a hammer, a poker, a razor in his hand, on tiptoe to do it. A
movement, a rush, one silent rush and it was done! He had revelled in
her murder. He had caressed it, rehearsed it, relished it, had jerked
her head back, and hacked, and listened to her entreaties bubbling
through blood!
And then she died! When he stood by her bed he had wished to taunt
her, but he could not do it. He read in her eyes--I am dying, and in a
little time I shall have vanished like dust on the wind, but you will
still be here, and you will never see me again--He wished to ratify
that, to assure her that it was actually so, to say that he would come
home on the morrow night, and she would not be there, and that he would
return home every night, and she would never be there. But he could
not say it. Somehow the words, although he desired them, would not
come. His arm went to her neck and settled there. His hand caressed
her hair, her cheek. He kissed her eyes, her lips, her languid hands;
and the words that came were only an infantile babble of regrets and
apologies, assurances that he did love her, that he had never loved any
one before, and never would love any one again. . . .
Every one who passed looked into the Café where he sat. Every one who
passed looked at him. There were men with sallow faces and wide black
hats. Some had hair that flapped about them in the wind, and from
their locks one gathered, with some distaste, the spices of Araby.
Some had cravats that fluttered and fell and rose again like banners in
a storm. There were men with severe, spade-shaped, most
responsible-looking beards, and quizzical little eyes which gave the
lie to their hairy sedateness--eyes which had spent long years in
looking sidewards as a woman passed. There were men of every stage of
foppishness--men who had spent so much time on their moustaches that
they had only a little left for their finger-nails, but their
moustaches exonerated them; others who were coated to happiness,
trousered to grotesqueness, and booted to misery. He thought--In this
city the men wear their own coats, but they all wear some one else's
trousers, and their boots are syndicated.
He saw no person who was self-intent. They were all deeply conscious,
not of themselves, but of each other. They were all looking at each
other. They were all looking at him; and he returned the severe, or
humourous, or appraising gaze of each with a look nicely proportioned
to the passer, giving back exactly what was given to him, and no more.
He did not stare, for nobody stared. He just looked and looked away,
and was as mannerly as was required.
A negro went by arm in arm with a girl who was so sallow that she was
only white by courtesy. He was a bulky man, and as he bent greedily
over his companion it was evident that to him she was whiter than the
snow of a single night.
Women went past in multitudes, and he knew the appearance of them all.
How many times he had watched them or their duplicates striding and
mincing and bounding by, each moving like an animated note of
interrogation! They were long, and medium, and short. There were
women of a thinness beyond comparison, sheathed in skirts as featly as
a rapier in a scabbard. There were women of a monumental, a mighty
fatness, who billowed and rolled in multitudinous, stormy garments.
There were slow eyes that drooped on one heavily as a hand, and quick
ones that stabbed and withdrew, and glanced again appealingly, and slid
away cursing. There were some who lounged with a false sedateness, and
some who fluttered in an equally false timidity. Some wore velvet
shoes without heels. Some had shoes, the heels whereof were of such
inordinate length that the wearers looked as though they were perched
on stilts and would topple to perdition if their skill failed for an
instant. They passed and they looked at him; and from each, after the
due regard, he looked away to the next in interminable procession.
There were faces also to be looked at: round chubby faces wherefrom the
eyes of oxen stared in slow, involved rumination. Long faces that were
keener than hatchets and as cruel. Faces that pretended to be scornful
and were only piteous. Faces contrived to ape a temperament other than
their own. Raddled faces with heavy eyes and rouged lips. Ragged lips
that had been chewed by every mad dog in the world. What lips there
were everywhere! Bright scarlet splashes in dead-white faces. Thin
red gashes that suggested rat-traps instead of kisses. Bulbous, flabby
lips that would wobble and shiver if attention failed them. Lips of a
horrid fascination that one looked at and hated and ran to. . . .
Looking at him slyly or boldly, they passed along, and turned after a
while and repassed him, and turned again in promenade.
He had a sickness of them all. There had been a time when these were
among the things he mourned for not having done, but that time was long
past. He guessed at their pleasures, and knew them to be without salt.
Life, said he, is as unpleasant as a plate of cold porridge. Somehow
the world was growing empty for him. He wondered was he outgrowing his
illusions, or his appetites, or both? The things in which other men
took such interest were drifting beyond him, and (for it seemed that
the law of compensation can fail) nothing was drifting towards him in
recompense. He foresaw himself as a box with nothing inside it, and he
thought--It is not through love or fear or distress that men commit
suicide: it is because they have become empty: both the gods and the
devils have deserted them and they can no longer support that solemn
stagnation. He marvelled to see with what activity men and women
played the most savourless of games! With what zest of pursuit they
tracked what petty interests. He saw them as ants scurrying with
scraps of straw, or apes that pick up and drop and pick again, and he
marvelled from what fount they renewed themselves, or with what charms
they exorcised the demons of satiety.
On this night life did not seem worth while. The taste had gone from
his mouth; his bock was water vilely coloured; his cigarette was a hot
stench. And yet a full moon was peeping in the trees along the path,
and not far away, where the countryside bowed in silver quietude, the
rivers ran through undistinguishable fields chanting their lonely
songs. The seas leaped and withdrew, and called again to the stars,
and gathered in ecstasy and roared skywards, and the trees did not rob
each other more than was absolutely necessary. The men and women were
all hidden away, sleeping in their cells, where the moon could not see
them, nor the clean wind, nor the stars. They were sundered for a
little while from their eternal arithmetic. The grasping hands were
lying as quietly as the paws of a sleeping dog. Those eyes held no
further speculation than the eyes of an ox who lies down. The tongues
that had lied all day, and been treacherous and obscene and respectful
by easy turn, said nothing more; and he thought it was very good that
they were all hidden, and that for a little time the world might swing
darkly with the moon in its own wide circle and its silence.
He paid for his bock, gave the waiter a tip, touched his hat to a lady
by sex and a gentleman by clothing, and strolled back to his room that
was little, his candle that was three-quarters consumed, and his
picture which might be admired when he was dead but which he would
never be praised for painting; and, after sticking his foot through the
canvas, he tugged himself to bed, agreeing to commence the following
morning just as he had the previous one, and the one before that, and
the one before that again.