decieved, my breast aches, and siths, and pants.” He looked so awful
distressed, that I didn’t know what did ail him, and I looked pityin’
on him from over my spectacles and I says to him jest as I would to our
Thomas Jefferson,
“Mebby your vest is too tight.”
“Vest!” he repeated in wild tones, “would I had no worse trammels than
store clothes, but it is the fate of reformers to be misunderstood. Woman
the pain is deeper and it is a gnawin’ me.”
His eyes was kinder rolled, and he looked so wilted and uncomfortable,
that I says to him in still more pityin’ accents,
“Haint you got wind on your stummuck, for if you have, peppermint essence
is the best stuff you can take, and I will get you some.”
“Wind!” he almost shouted, “wind! no, it is not wind,” he spoke so
deleriously that he almost skairt me, but I kep’ up my placid demeaner,
and kep’ on knittin’.
“Wimmen,” said he, “I would right the wrongs of your sect if I could. I
bear in my heart the woes and pains of all the aching female hearts of
the 19 centurys.”
My knittin’ dropped into my lap, and I looked up at him in surprise, and
I says to him respectfully,
“No wonder you groan and sithe, it must hurt awfully.”
“It does hurt,” says he, “but it hurts a sensitive spirit worse to have
it mistook for wind.”
He see my softened face, and he took advantage of it, and went on.
“Woman, you have been married, you say, goin’ on 15 years; hain’t you
never felt slavish in that time, and felt that you would gladly unbind
yourself?”
“Never!” says I firmly, “never! I don’t want to be unbound.”
“Hain’t you never had longings, and yearnings to be free?”
“Not a yearn,” says I calmly, “not a yearn. If I had wanted to remain
free I shouldn’t have give my heart and hand to Josiah Allen. I didn’t do
it deleriously, I had my senses.” Says I, “you can’t set down and stand
up at the same time, each situation has its advantages, but you can’t be
in both places at once, and this tryin’ to, is what makes so much trouble
amongst men and wimmen. They want the rights and advantages of both
stations to once--they want to set down and stand up at the same time,
and it can’t be did. Men and wimmen hain’t married at the pint of the
bayonet, they go into it with both their eyes open. If anybody thinks
they are happier, and freer from care without bein’ married, nobody
compels ’em to be married, but if they are, they hadn’t ought to want to
be married and single at the same time, it is onreasonable.”
He looked some convinced, and I went on in a softer tone,
“I hain’t a goin’ to say that Josiah hain’t been tryin’ a good many
times. He has raved round some, when dinner wasn’t ready, and gone in
his stockin’ feet considerable, and been slack about kindlin’ wood.
Likewise I have my failin’s. I presume I hain’t done always exactly as I
should about shirt buttons, mebby I have scolded more’n I ort to about
his keepin’ geese. But if men and wimmen think they are marryin’ angels,
they’ll find out they’ll have to settle down and keep house with human
critters. I never see a year yet, that didn’t have more or less winter
in it, but what does it say, ‘for better, for worse,’ and if it turns
out more worse than better, why that don’t part us, for what else does
it say? ‘Till death does us part,’ and what is your little slip of paper
that you call a bill to that? Is that death?” says I.
He quailed silently, and I proceeded on.
“I wouldn’t give a cent for your bills, I had jest as lives walk up
and marry any married man, as to marry a man with a bill. I had jest
as lives,” says I warmin’ with my subject, “I had jest as lives join a
Mormon at once. How should I feel, to know there was another woman loose
in the world, liable to walk in here any minute and look at Josiah, and
to know all that separated ’em was a little slip of paper about an inch
wide?”
My voice was loud and excited, for I felt deeply what I said, and says he
in soothin’ tones,
“I presume that you and your husband are congenial spirits, but what do
you think of soarin’ soles, that find out when it is too late that they
are wedded to mere lumps of clay.”
I hadn’t fully recovered from my excited frame of mind, and I replied
warmly, “I never see a man yet that wasn’t more or less clay, and to tell
you the truth I think jest as much of these clay men as I do of these
soarers, I never had any opinion of soarers at all.”
He sank back in his chair and sithed, for I had touched him in a tender
place, but still clinging to his free love doctrine, he murmered faintly,
“Some wimmen are knocked down by some men, and dragged out.”
His meek tones touched my feelin’s, and I continued in more reasonable
accents.
“Mebby if I was married to a man that knocked me down and dragged me out
frequently, I would leave him a spell, but not one cent would I invest in
another man, not a cent. I would live alone till he came to his senses,
if he ever did, and if he didn’t, why when the great roll is called over
above, I would answer to the name I took when I loved him and married
him, hopin’ his old love would come back again there, and we would have
all eternity to keep house in.”
He looked so depressted, as he sot leanin’ back in his chair, that I
thought I had convinced him, and he was sick of his business, and I asked
him in a helpful way,
“Hain’t there no other business you can get into, besides preachin’ up
Free Love? Hain’t there no better business? Hain’t there no cornfields
where you could hire out for a scare-crow--can’t you get to be United
States Senator? Hain’t there no other mean job not quite so mean as this,
you could get into?”
He didn’t seem to take it friendly in me, you know friendly advice makes
some folks mad. He spoke out kinder surly and says he, “I hain’t done no
hurt, I only want everybody to find their affinitee.”
That riled up the blood in me, and says I with spirit,
“Say that word to me agin if you dare.” Says I “of all the mean words a
married woman ever listened to, that is the meanest,” says I “if you say
“affinitee” here in my house, agin, young man, I will holler to Josiah.”
He see I was in earnest and deeply indignent, and he ketched up his hat
and cane, and started off, and glad enough was I to see him go.
ELDER WESLEY MINKLE’S DONATION PARTY.
About four weeks afterwards, I had got my kitchen mopped out, clean as a
pin and everything in perfect order and the dinner started, (I was goin’
to have beef steak and rice puddin’,) and then I took a bowl of raisons
and sot doun to stun ’em, for I was goin’ to bake a plum cake for supper.
I will have good vittles as long as my name is Josiah Allen’s wife. And
it haint only on my own account that I do it, but I do it as I have
observed before, from deep and almost cast iron principle. For as the
greatest of philosiphers have discovered, if a woman would keep her table
spread out from year to year, and from hour to hour, filled with good
vittles, that woman would have a clever set of men folks round.
As I sot serenely stunnin’ my raisons, not dreamin’ of no trouble, I
heard a rap at the door, and in walked Betsey Bobbet. I see she looked
kinder curious, but I didn’t say nothin’, only I asked her to take off
her things. She complied, and as she took out her tattin’ and begun to
tat, says she--
“I have come to crave your advise, Josiah Allen’s wife. I am afraid I
have been remissin’ in my duty. Martin Farquar Tupper is one of the most
sweetest poets of the ages. My sentiments have always blended in with his
beautiful sentiments, I have always flew with his flights, and soahed
with his soahs. And last night afteh I had retiahed to bed, one of his
sublime ideahs come to me with a poweh I neveh befoah felt. It knocked
the bolted doah of my heart open, and said in low and hollow tones as it
entered in, ‘Betsey Bobbet, you have not nevah done it.’”
Betsey stopped a minute here for me to look surprised and wonderin’, but
I didn’t, I stunned my raisons with a calm countenance, and she resumed--
“Deah Tuppah remarks that if anybody is goin’ to be married, thier future
companion is upon the earth somewhere at the present time, though they
may not have met him or her. And he says it is our duty to pray for that
future consort. And Josiah Allen’s wife, I have not neveh done it.”
She looked agonized, as she repeated to me, “Josiah Allen’s wife, I have
neveh preyed for him a word. I feel condemned; would you begin now?”
Says I coolly, “Are you goin’ to prey _for_ a husband, or _about_ one?”
Says she mournfully, “A little of both.”
“Wall,” says I in a cautious way, “I don’t know as it would do any hurt,
Betsey.”
Says she, “I will begin to prey to-night. But that is not all I wished to
crave your advise about. Folks must work as well as prey. Heaven helps
them that help themselves. I am goin’ to take a decided stand.” Then she
broke off kinder sudden, and says she, “Be you a goin’ to the Faih and
Donation to the Methodist church to-morrow night?”
“Yes,” says I, “I am a layin’ out to go.”
“Well, Josiah Allen’s wife, will you stand by me? There is not another
female woman in Jonesville that I have the firm unwaverin’ confidence in,
that I have in you. You always bring about whateveh you set youh hands to
do--and I want to know, will you stand by me to-morrow night?”
Says I in a still more cautious tone “what undertakin’ have you got into
your head now, Betsey Bobbet?”
“I am going to encourage the Editah of the Augah. That man needs a
companion. Men are bashful and offish, and do not always know what is the
best for them. I have seen horses hang back on the harness before now, I
have seen geese that would not walk up to be picked. I have seen children
hang back from pikery. The horses ought to be made to go! The geese ought
to be held and picked! The children ought to take the pikery if you have
to hold thieh noses to make them. The Editah of the Augah _needs_ a
companion, I am going to encourage that man to-morrer night and I want
to know Josiah Allen’s wife if you will stand by me.”
I answered her in reasonable tones. “You know Betsey that I can’t run, I
am too fat, and then I am gettin’ too old. Mebby I might walk up and help
you corner him, but you know I can’t run for anybody.”
Jest then Josiah came in and the conversation dropped down viz: on the
fare. Says Josiah, says he, “Brother Wesley Minkley is a honest, pure
minded man and I shall go, and shall give accordin’ to my ability, but I
don’t believe in ’em, I don’t believe in doin’ so much for ministers. The
bible says let them live on the gospel; why don’t they? The old ’postles
wasn’t always havin’ donations and fares to get up money for ’em, and big
sallerys. Why don’t they live like the ’postles?”
[Illustration: LIVIN’ ON GOSPEL.]
Says I, “Josiah Allen you try to live on clear gospel a spell, and see
if your stommack wouldn’t feel kinder empty.” Says I, “The bible says the
‘Laborer is worthy of his hire.’” Says I, “folks are willin’ to pay their
doctors and lawyers, and druggers, and their tin-peddlers, and every body
else only ministers, and if any body has a slave’s life, it is a good
conscientious minister.” Says I, “Brother Wesley Minkley works like a
dog.”
“I don’t deny it,” says Josiah, “but why don’t he live like the ’postle
Paul?”
Says I, “the ’postle Paul didn’t have to buy 40 or 50 yards of merymac
callico and factory cloth every year. He didn’t have to buy cradles and
cribs, and soothin’ syrup, for he didn’t have any babys to be cribbed
and soothed. He didn’t have to buy bunnets, and gographys, and prunella
gaters, and back combs, and hair pins, and etcetery, etcetery. He didn’t
have a wife and seven daughters and one son, as Brother Wesley Minkley
has got.” Says I, almost warmly, “Every other man, only jest ministers,
has a hope of layin’ up a little somethin’ for their children, but _they_
don’t think of doin’ that, all _they_ expect is to keep ’em alive and
covered up,” and says I, “The congregation they almost slave themselves
to death for, begrech that, and will jaw too if they hain’t covered up,
and dressed up slick. Sister Minkley wants her girls to look as well as
the rest of the girls in the Church.” Says I, “The ’postle Paul wasn’t
a mother, Josiah, not that I have anything against him,” says I more
mildly.
The conversation was interupted here by Shakespeare Bobbet comin’ after
Betsey, they had company. Betsey returned with him, but her last words to
me was, in a low awful voice,
“Will you stand by me Josiah Allen’s wife?” I sithed, and told her in a
kind of a bland way, “I would see about it.”
The donatin and fare occured Wednesday night, and Josiah and me went
early, Thomas J. and Tirzah Ann bein’ off to school. And I carried as much
and as good as anybody there, though I say it that shouldn’t. I carried
as good vittles too as there was and I didn’t scrimp in quantity neither.
We was a layin’ out to carry ’em half a barrel of pork, and I made a
big jar of butter and sold it, and got the money for it, five dollars,
and I atted Josiah to sell the pork and get the money for that. Says I,
“Brother Minkley and his wife have both come to years of understandin’,
and it stands to reason that they both know what they want better than we
do, and money will buy anything.”
Josiah kinder hung back, but I carried the day. And so we carried 15
dollars in a envelop, and told sister Minkley to open it after we got
home. I didn’t want ’em to thank us for it--it makes me feel just as
mean as pusley. But some folks carried the litlest things. There was a
family of 7 hearty men and women, and all they carried was a book mark
out of perforated paper, and a plate of cookeys. There was 7 book marks,
for I counted ’em, and 14 pair of slips for the minister’s only boy, who
is home from school. And this same young man, Whitfield Minkley, had 24
neck ties. Of course there was some other things, a few sassige or so, a
little flour, and some dried blackberrys.
But it does beat all what simple things some folks will carry.
Shakespeare Bobbet carried the minister a pair of spurs. Thinks I to
myself, “What is he goin’ to use ’em on, the saw horse or the front
gate?” For they have kep’ him doun so low, that he is too poor to own any
other steeds.
And Betsey Bobbet brought him a poem of hers all flowered off round the
edges, and trimmed with pink ribbon. I haint nothin’ aginst poetry, but
with a big family like Brother Minkley’s, it did seem to me that there
was other things that would be more nourishin’ and go further.
After we had left our vittles in the procession room where we was goin’
to eat, I marched into the meetin’ house room which was full of folks,
and Brother Minkley came up to talk with me. I felt low spirited, for
Betsey’s design wore on me. And when Brother Minkley took my hand in
his’en, and shook it in the purest and most innocent manner, and said,
“Sister Allen, what is the matter? are you havin’ a xercise in your
mind?”
Says I to him, “Yes, Brother Minkley, I be.”
I turned the subject quickly then, for I abhor hippocrites, and I
felt that I was a deceivin’ him. For whereas he thought I was havin’
a religous xcercise performin’ in my mind, I was not; it was Betsey
Bobbet’s design that was a wearin’ on me. So I waved off the subject
quickly, though I knew that like as not he would think I was a
backslidin’ and was afraid he would ketch me at it. Thinks’es I, better
let him think I am a slidin’ back, I can endure false importations better
than I can let myself out for a hyppocrite. I waved off the subject and
says I,
“That was a beautiful sermon of yours last Sunday, Brother Minkley.”
“You mean that from the text ‘He overthrew the tables of the money
changers,’ and so forth; I am glad it pleased you, sister Allen. I
meant to hit a blow at gamblin’ that would stagger it, for gamblin’ is
a prevailin’ to a alarmin’ extent.” And then says he, plantin’ himself
firmly before me, “Did you notice, sister Allen, the lucid and logical
manner in which I carried up the argument from the firstly to the
twenty-thirdly?”
I see then I was in for it. Brother Wesley Minkley haint got another
fault on earth as I know on--only jest a catchin’ his church members
and preachin’ his sermons over to ’em. But I have said 100 times that
I am glad he has got that, for it sets me more at rest about him on
windy days. Not that I really s’pose he will ascend, but if he hadn’t
got that fault I should be almost tempted to examine his shoulder blades
occasionally, (on the outside of his coat,) to see if his wings was a
spoutin’, he is so fine and honest and unsuspiceious.
When his sermons are so long that they get up into the twentiethlies, and
thirtiethlies, as they jinerally do, I can’t say but what it is a little
wearin’ on you, to stand stun still whenever he happens to catch you, in
the store, or street, or doorstep, and have him preach ’em all over to
you alone. You feel kinder curious, and then sometimes your feet will get
to sleep. But on the present occasion I rejoiced, for it freed me for the
time bein’ from Betsey’s design. He laid holt of that sermon, and carried
it all up before me through the firstlys and the tenthlys, just as neat
and regular as you could hist a barel up the chamber stairs, and had just
landed it before the ninteenthly which was, “That all church members had
ort to get together, and rastle with the awful vice of gamblin’ and throw
it, and tread onto it,” when Betsey Bobbet appeared before us suddenly
with a big bag before her and says she,
“Here is the grab bag, you must grab.”
I never heard of the thing before, and it come so kind of sudden on me
that I hung back at first. But there wus a whole lot of folks lookin’
on, and I didn’t want to act odd, so I laid holt of it, and grabbed it
with both hands as tight as I could towards the bottom. Betsey said that
wasn’t the way, and then her design so goaded her, that she bent forward
and whispered in my ear,
“The Editah of the Augah got home to-night, he is expected here in half
an hour, I expect you to stand by me Josiah Allen’s wife.”
I sithed heavy, and while I was a sithin’ Betsey asked Elder Minkley to
grab, and he, thinkin’ no hurt, bein’ so pure minded and unsuspicious,
and of such a friendly turn, he threw both arms around the bag grabbed
it, and held it tight. And then Betsey explained it to us--you had to pay
25 cents and then you run your hand into the bag, and had jest what you
happened to grab first.
[Illustration: THE ENEMY ATTACKTED.]
Then at that minute I see the power of pure and cast iron principle as I
never seen it before. Betsey Bobbet and all other sorrows and sufferin’
was for the minute forgot, and I was glad I had been born. With the
look of a war horse when his mane tosses and he snorts, a smellin’ of
the battle field, Elder Wesley Minkley ketched the bag out of Betsey’s
tremblin’ hand, threw it down onto the floor, and sot down on it. He
looked peaceful then, he knew he had throwed the tempter, and got on to
it, holdin’ of it down. In the most tryin’ and excitin’ scenes of life,
the good of the human race is my theme of mind, I am so wrapped up in it,
and then, even in this glorious scene, I said to myself, “Ah would that
Adam had served them apples in the same way.”
Brother Minkley took out his red silk handkerchief and wiped his heroic,
but sweaty face, for it was warm in the meetin’ house, and he bein’ a
large portly man, principle had heat him up. And then such a sermon as he
preached to Betsey Bobbet, it did my very soul good to hear, says he, “It
is gamblin’, and gamblin’ of the very worst kind to, for it is gamblin’
in the name of God.”
“Oh,” says Betsey, “deah and respected sir, the money is for you, and it
is not gamblin’, for there is not any wicked papeh cards connected with
it at all, it is only a sort of pious raffling in harmless pincushions
and innocent rag children.”
Then did I see pure principle mountin’ up higher and higher, his honest
fat face grew fire red with it, and says be, “No raffled pincushions
shall ever enrich me, I scorn lucre that is obtained in that way. Not one
cent of money Betsey Bobbet will I ever take, that is realized from the
sale of these ragged children. Not a ragged child shall be gambled for,
for me, not a child.”
We was right under the gallery, and at this minute a fish hook was let
down not but a little ways from us, and Shakespeare Bobbet who stood by
a basket full of things, hitched on a long huzzy all made of different
kinds of calico, and it went up a danglin’ over our heads. As he ketched
sight of it, Brother Wesley Minkley started up and says he, to Betsey in
tones that _would_ be replied to,
“What does that mean?”
Says Betsey in almost tremblin’ tones, “They pay ten cents for fishin’
once.”
Then says he in tones that sounded some like distant thunder,
“Do they know what they are goin’ to get for thier money?”
“No sir,” says she, and she quailed to that extent that I almost pitied
her.
“More gamblin’!” he cried in fearful tones. And then he sprung for the
huzzy, and shouted up the gallery to Shakespeare Bobbet, “I forbid you
to draw up this huzzy another step. I forbid this huzzy to be drawed up
an inch further.” He hung on to the huzzy with both hands, and says
he--with the fire of his old foregrandfather in his eye (who was an
orderly sargant in the Revolution) “I’ll see if there is goin’ to be
huzzies gambled for in this way. I’ll see if there is goin’ to be such
shameless doin’s in my church!”
[Illustration: THE ELDER ON THE ALERT.]
For the next half hour confusion rained. But pure principle conquered.
In the language of scripture slightly altered to suit the occasion, “He
overthrew the grab bags, and drove out the huzzies and fish hooks.” When
peace rained agin, I grasped holt of his hand, and says I almost warmly,
“You have done a good job brother, some folks may call it pious gamblin’,
but I never believed in it.” Whitfield Minkley come up at that very
minute, and says he, “That is jest as I think,” says he, in the language
of Shakespeare, “‘It is stealin’ the livery horses of heaven, to carry
the devil out a ridin’” or mebby I hain’t got the very words, but it was
somethin’ to that effect.
Says I, “I never knew that Shakespeare Bobbet ever turned his mind that
way,” and then says I in a cordial way, “I am real glad you have got home
Whitfield, I guess I am about as glad to see you as any body, unless it
is your ma, and one or two others.”
He thanked me and said it seemed good to get home agin, and then says
he, “I suppose Tirzah Ann is well.” His face as he said this was as
red as his neck tie. But I didn’t seem to notice it. I talked with him
quite a spell about her, and told him both the children would be to home
Saturday, and he must come up then, for Thomas Jefferson would be awful
disappointed not to see him.
He looked awful tickled when I asked him to come, and he said he should
certainly come, for he never wanted to see Thomas Jefferson so bad, in
his life.
I don’t make no matches, nor break none. But I hain’t a goin’ to deny,
that sister Minkley and I have talked it over, and if things go on, as
they seem to be a goin’ between _her_ Whitfield and _our_ Tirzah Ann,
there won’t be no straws laid in their way, not a straw.
Whitfield was called off by one of his sisters, and Brother Wesley
Minkley standin’ in front of me begun,
“Sister Allen, I am very much like you, I believe in actin’ up to our
professions, and as I was about to remark in my twentiethly,” then that
good, pure minded man begun agin jest where he left off. He had jest
lifted up his left hand, and was pintin’ it off with his right fore
finger, and I was jest thinkin’ that most likely I had got my night’s job
in front of me, when unxpected the Editer of the Augur come to speak to
me, and Brother Wesley Minkley bein’ a true gentleman, stopped preachin’
to once, and went to talkin’ to Josiah.
I looked sadly into the face of the Editer of the Augur, and sithed, for
I knew that Betsey would soon begin to encourage him, and I pitied him.
He said “How de do?” to me, and I said in a absent minded way that “I
was; and I hoped it was so with him.” And then I sithed agin. And my
two gray eyes looked sadly into his’en (which was but’nut colored) for
a spell, and then roamed off across the room onto Betsey. I seen her
a fixin’ on her waterfall more securely, and a shakin’ out her greek
bender, and tightnin’ her horse hair bracelets, and her lips moved as if
she was beginnin’ to prey. And I knew he had got to be encouraged, and I
felt for him.