When the mail-boat left our coast to the long isolation of that winter
my mother was even more tender with the scrawny plants in the five red
pots on the window-shelf. On gray days, when our house and all the world
lay in the soggy shadow of the fog, she fretted sadly for their health;
and she kept feverish watch for a rift in the low, sad sky, and sighed
and wished for sunlight. It mystified me to perceive the wistful regard
she bestowed upon the stalks and leaves that thrived the illest--the
soft touches for the yellowing leaves, and, at last, the tear that fell,
when, withered beyond hope, they were plucked and cast away--and I asked
her why she loved the sick leaves so; and she answered that she knew but
would not tell me why. Many a time, too, at twilight, I surprised her
sitting downcast by the window, staring out--and far--not upon the rock
and sea of our harbour, but as though through the thickening shadows
into some other place.
"What you lookin' at, mum?" I asked her, once.
"A glory," she answered.
"Glory!" said I. "They's no glory out there. The night falls. 'Tis all
black an' cold on the hills. Sure, _I_ sees no glory."
"'Tis not a glory, but a shadow," she whispered, "for you!"
Nor was I now ever permitted to see her in disarray, but always, as it
seemed to me, fresh from my sister's clever hands, her hair laid smooth
and shining, her simple gown starched crisp and sweetly smelling of the
ironing board; and when I asked her why she was never but thus lovely,
she answered, with a smile, that surely it pleased her son to find her
always so: which, indeed, it did. I felt, hence, in some puzzled way,
that this display was a design upon me, but to what end I could not
tell. And there was an air of sad unquiet in the house: it occurred to
my childish fancy that my mother was like one bound alone upon a long
journey; and once, deep in the night, when I had long lain ill at ease
in the shadow of this fear, I crept to her door to listen, lest she be
already fled, and I heard her sigh and faintly complain; and then I went
back to bed, very sad that my mother should be ailing, but now sure that
she would not leave me.
Next morning my father leaned over our breakfast table and laid his
broad hand upon my mother's shoulder; whereupon she looked up smiling,
as ever she did when that big man caressed her.
"I'll be havin' the doctor for you," he said.
She gave him a swift glance of warning--then turned her wide eyes upon
me.
"Oh," said my father, "the lad knows you is sick. 'Tis no use tryin' t'
keep it from un any more."
"Ay," I sobbed, pushing my plate away, for I was of a sudden no longer
hungry, "I heared you cryin' las' night."
My sister came quickly to my side, and wound a soft arm about my neck,
and drew my head close to her heart, and kissed me many times; and when
she had soothed me I looked up and found my mother gloriously glad that
I had cried.
"'Tis nothing," then she said, with a rush of tenderness for my grief.
"'Tis not hard to bear. 'Tis----"
"Ay, but," said my father, "I'll be havin' the doctor t' see you."
My mother pooh-poohed it all. The doctor? For her? Not she! She was not
sick enough for _that_!
"I'm bent," said my father, doggedly, "on havin' that man."
"David," cried my mother, "I'll not have you do it!"
"I'll have my way of it," said my father. "I'm bent on it, an' I'll be
put off no longer. 'Tis no use, m'am--nar a bit! The doctor's comin' t'
see you."
"Ah, well!" sighed my mother.
"Ay," said my father, "I'll have that man ashore when the mail-boat
comes in the spring. 'Tis well on t' December now," he went on, "an' it
may be we'll have an early break-up. Sure, if they's westerly winds in
the spring, an' the ice clears away in good season, we'll be havin' the
mail-boat north in May. Come, now! 'twill not be later than June, I
'low. An' I'll have that doctor ashore in a hurry, mark my words, when
the anchor's down. That I will!"
"'Tis a long time," said my mother.
Every morning, thereafter, she said that she was better--always
better--much, much better. 'Twas wonderful, she said, 'twas fair past
making out, indeed, that she should so soon grow into a fine, hearty
woman again; and 'twould be an easy matter, said she, for the mail-boat
doctor to cure _her_--when he came. And she was now more discreet with
her moods; not once did I catch her brooding alone, though more than
once I lay in wait in dark corners or peered through the crack in the
door; and she went smiling about the house, as of old--but yet not as of
old; and I puzzled over the difference, but could not discover it. More
often, now, at twilight, she lured me to her lap, where I was never
loath to go, great lad of nine years though I was; and she sat silent
with me, rocking, rocking, while the deeper night came down--and she
kissed me so often that I wondered she did not tire of it--and she
stroked my brow and cheeks, and touched my eyes, and ran her finger-tips
over my eyebrows and nose and lips, ay, and softly played with my
lips--and at times she strained me so hard to her breast that I near
complained of the embrace--and I was no more driven off to bed when my
eyes grew heavy, but let lie in her arms, while we sat silent, rocking,
rocking, until long, long after I had fallen asleep. And once, at the
end of a sweet, strange hour, making believe to play, she gently pried
my eyes wide open and looked far into their depths--so deep, so long, so
searchingly, so strangely, that I waxed uneasy under the glance.
"Wh-wh-what--what you----" I began, inarticulately.
"What am I looking for?" she interrupted, speaking quickly.
"Ay," I whimpered, for I was deeply agitated; "what you lookin' for?"
"For your heart," said she.
I did not know what she meant; and I wondered concerning the fancy she
had, but did not ask, for there was that in her voice and eyes that made
me very solemn.
"'Tis but a child's heart," she sighed, turning away. "'Tis but like the
hearts," she whispered, "of all children. I cannot tell--I cannot tell,"
she sobbed, "and I want--oh, I want so much--to know!"
"Don't cry!" I pleaded, thrown into an agony by her tears, in the way of
all children.
She sat me back in her lap. "Look in your mother's eyes, lad," said she,
"and say after me this: 'My mother----'"
"'My mother----'" I repeated, very soberly.
"'Looked upon my heart----'"
"'Looked upon my heart----'" said I.
"'And found it brave----'"
"'An' found it brave----'"
"'And sweet----'"
"'An' sweet----'"
"'Willing for the day's work----'" said she.
"'Willing for the day's work----'" I repeated.
"'And harbouring no shameful hope.'"
"'An' harbouring--no shameful--hope.'"
Again and again she had me say it--until I knew it every word by heart.
"Ah," said she, at last, "but you'll forget!"
"No, no!" I cried. "I'll not forget. 'My mother looked upon my heart,'"
I rattled, "'an' found it brave an' sweet, willing for the day's work
an' harbouring no shameful hope.' I've not forgot! I've _not_ forgot!"
"He'll forget," she whispered, but not to me, "like all children."
But I have not forgotten--I have not forgotten--I have never
forgotten--that when I was a child my mother looked upon my heart and
found it brave and sweet, willing for the day's work and harbouring no
shameful hope.
* * * * *
The winter fell early and with ominous severity. Our bleak coast was
soon too bitter with wind and frost and snow for the folk to continue in
their poor habitations. They were driven in haste to the snugger inland
tilts, which lay in a huddle at the Lodge, far up Twisted Arm, in the
blessed proximity of fire-wood--there to trap and sleep in hardly
mitigated misery until the kindlier spring days should once again invite
them to the coast. My father, the only trader on forty miles of our
coast, as always dealt them salt beef and flour and tea with a free
hand, until, at last, the storehouses were swept clean of food, save
sufficient for our own wants: his great heart hopeful that the catch of
next season, and the honest hearts of the folk, and the mysterious favor
of the Lord, would all conspire to repay him. And so they departed, bag
and baggage, youngsters and dogs; and the waste of our harbour and of
the infinite roundabout was left white and silent, as of death itself.
But we dwelt on in our house under the sheltering Watchman; for my
father, being a small trader, was better off than they--though I would
not have you think him of consequence elsewhere--and had builded a stout
house, double-windowed, lined with felt and wainscotted with canvas, so
that but little frost formed on the walls of the living rooms, and that
only in the coldest weather.
"'Tis cozy enough," said my father, chucking my mother under the chin,
"even for a maid a man might cotch up Boston way!"
Presently came Skipper Tommy Lovejoy by rollicking dog-team from the
Lodge to inquire after my mother's health--to cheer us, it may be, I'm
thinking, with his hearty way, his vast hope, his odd fancies, his
ruddy, twinkling face. Most we laughed when he described his plan (how
seriously conceived there was no knowing) for training whales to serve
as tugboats in calms and adverse winds. It appeared, too, that a similar
recital had been trying to the composure of old Tom Tot, of our harbour,
who had searched the Bible for seven years to discover therein a good
man of whom it was said that he laughed, and, failing utterly, had
thereupon vowed never again to commit the sin of levity.
"Sure, I near fetched un," said Skipper Tommy, gleefully, "with me
whales. I come near makin' Tom Tot break that scandalous vow, zur,
indeed I did! He got wonderful purple in the face, an' choked in a
fearsome way, when I showed un my steerin' gear for the beast's tail,
but, as I'm sad t' say, zur, he managed t' keep it in without bustin'.
But I'll get un yet, zur--oh, ay, zur--just leave un t' me! Ecod! zur,
I'm thinkin' he'll capsize with all hands when I tells un I'm t' have a
wheel-house on the forward deck o' that wha-a-ale!"
But the old man soon forgot all about his whales, as he had forgotten to
make out the strange way the Lord had discovered to fasten His stars to
the sky; moved by a long contemplation of my mother's frailty, he had a
nobler inspiration.
"'Tis sad, lass," he said, his face aquiver with sympathy, "t' think
that we've but one doctor t' cure the sick, an' him on the mail-boat.
'Tis _wonderful_ sad t' think o' that! 'Tis a hard case," he went on,
"but if a man only thunk hard enough he'd find a way t' mend it. Sure,
what _ought_ t' be mended _can_ be mended. 'Tis the way o' the world. If
a man only thinks hard an' thinks sensible, he'll find a way, zur, every
time. 'Tis easy t' think hard, but 'tis sometimes hard," he added, "t'
think t' the point."
We were silent while he continued lost in deep and puzzled thought.
"Ecod!" he burst out. "I got it!"
"Have you, now?" cried my father, half amused, half amazed.
"Just this minute, zur," said the skipper, in a glow of delighted
astonishment. "It come t' me all t' oncet."
"An' what is it?"
"'Tis a sort o' book, zur!"
"A book?"
"Ay, 'tis just a book. Find out all the cures in the world an' put un in
a book. Get the doctor-women's, an' the healers', an' the real doctor's,
an' put un right in a book. Has you got the dip-theria? Ask the book
what t' do. 'Dip-theria?' says the book t' you. 'Well, that's sad. Tie a
split herring round your neck.' S'pose you got the salt-water sores.
What do you do, then? Why, turn t' the book. 'Oh, 'tis nothin' t' cure
_that_,' says the book. 'Wear a brass chain on your wrist, lad, an'
you'll be troubled no more.' Take it, now, when you got blood-poison in
the hand. What is you t' do, you wants t' know? 'Blood-poison in the
hand?' says the book. 'Good gracious, that's awful! Cut off your hand.'
'Twould be a wonderful good work," the skipper concluded, "t' make a
book like that!" It appeared to me that it would.
"I wonder," the skipper went on, staring at the fire, a little smile
playing upon his face, "if _I_ couldn't do that! 'Twould surely be a
thing worth doin'. I wonder--I wonder--if I couldn't manage--somehow--t'
do it!"
We said nothing; for he was not thinking of us, any more, as we
knew--but only dreaming of the new and beneficent work which had of a
sudden appeared to him.
"But I isn't able t' write," he muttered, at last. "I--I--_wisht I
could_!"
"'Twould be a wonderful fine work for a man t' do," said my father.
"'Tis a wonder, now," said Skipper Tommy, looking up with a bright face,
"that no one ever thought o' doin' that afore. T' my mind," he added,
much puzzled, "'tis very queer, indeed, that they's nar a man in all the
world t' think o' that--but _me_!"
My mother smiled.
"I'm thinkin' I'll just _have_ t' try," Skipper Tommy went on, frowning
anxiously. "But, ecod!" he cried, "maybe the Lard wouldn't like it. Now,
maybe, He wants us men t' mind our business. Maybe, He'd say, 'You keep
your finger out o' My pie. Don't you go makin' no books about cures.'
But, oh, no!" with the overflow of fine feeling which so often came
upon him. "Why, _He_ wouldn't mind a little thing like that. Sure, I
wouldn't mind it, meself! 'You go right ahead, lad,' He'd say, 'an' try
t' work your cures. Don't you be afeared o' Me. _I'll_ not mind. But,
lad,' He'd say, 'when I wants my way I just got t' _have_ it. Don't you
forget that. Don't you go thinkin' you can have _your_ way afore I has
_Mine_. You just trust Me t' do what's right. I know My business. I'm
_used_ t' running worlds. I'm wonderful sorry,' He'd say, 't' have t'
make you feel bad; but they's times, b'y,' He'd say, 'when I really
_got_ t' have My way.' Oh, no," Skipper Tommy concluded, "the Lard
wouldn't mind a poor man's tryin' t' make a book like that! An' I thinks
I'll just _have_ t' try."
"Sure, Skipper Tommy," said I, "I'll help you."
Skipper Tommy stared at me in great amaze.
"Ay," said my mother, "Davy has learned to write."
"That I have," I boasted; "an' I'll help you make that book."
"'Tis the same," cried Skipper Tommy, slapping his thigh "as if 'twas
writ already!"
* * * * *
After a long time, my mother spoke. "You're always wanting to do some
good thing, Skipper Tommy, are you not?" said she.
"Well," he admitted, his face falling, "I thinks and wonders a deal,
'tis true, but somehow I don't seem t'----"
"Ay?" my father asked.
"Get--nowhere--much!"
Very true: but, even then, there was a man on the way to help him.
V