swung it vigorously, belabouring imaginary animals. "I'll learn 'em
to steal my house!" he cried. "I'll learn 'em, I'll learn 'em!"
"Don't say 'learn 'em,' Toad," said the Rat, greatly shocked. "It's
not good English."
"What are you always nagging at Toad for?" inquired the Badger, rather
peevishly. "What's the matter with his English? It's the same what I
use myself, and if it's good enough for me, it ought to be good enough
for you!"
"I'm very sorry," said the Rat humbly. "Only I _think_ it ought to be
'teach 'em,' not 'learn 'em.'"
"But we don't _want_ to teach 'em," replied the Badger. "We want to
_learn_ 'em--learn 'em, learn 'em! And what's more, we're going to
_do_ it, too!"
"Oh, very well, have it your own way," said the Rat. He was getting
rather muddled about it himself, and presently he retired into a
corner, where he could be heard muttering, "Learn 'em, teach 'em,
teach 'em, learn 'em!" till the Badger told him rather sharply to
leave off.
Presently the Mole came tumbling into the room, evidently very pleased
with himself. "I've been having such fun!" he began at once; "I've
been getting a rise out of the stoats!"
"I hope you've been very careful, Mole?" said the Rat anxiously.
"I should hope so, too," said the Mole confidently. "I got the idea
when I went into the kitchen, to see about Toad's breakfast being kept
hot for him. I found that old washerwoman-dress that he came home in
yesterday, hanging on a towel-horse before the fire. So I put it on,
and the bonnet as well, and the shawl, and off I went to Toad Hall, as
bold as you please. The sentries were on the look-out, of course, with
their guns and their 'Who comes there?' and all the rest of their
nonsense. 'Good morning, gentlemen!' says I, very respectful. 'Want
any washing done to-day?' They looked at me very proud and stiff and
haughty, and said, 'Go away, washerwoman! We don't do any washing on
duty.' 'Or any other time?' says I. Ho, ho, ho! Wasn't I _funny_,
Toad?"
"Poor, frivolous animal!" said Toad, very loftily. The fact is, he
felt exceedingly jealous of Mole for what he had just done. It was
exactly what he would have liked to have done himself, if only he had
thought of it first, and hadn't gone and overslept himself.
"Some of the stoats turned quite pink," continued the Mole, "and the
Sergeant in charge, he said to me, very short, he said, 'Now run away,
my good woman, run away! Don't keep my men idling and talking on their
posts.' 'Run away?' says I; 'it won't be me that'll be running away,
in a very short time from now!'"
"O _Moly_, how could you?" said the Rat, dismayed.
The Badger laid down his paper.
"I could see them pricking up their ears and looking at each other,"
went on the Mole; "and the Sergeant said to them, 'Never mind _her_;
she doesn't know what she's talking about.'"
"'O! don't I?' said I. 'Well, let me tell you this. My daughter, she
washes for Mr. Badger, and that'll show you whether I know what I'm
talking about; and _you'll_ know pretty soon, too! A hundred
bloodthirsty badgers, armed with rifles, are going to attack Toad Hall
this very night, by way of the paddock. Six boatloads of Rats, with
pistols and cutlasses, will come up the river and effect a landing in
the garden; while a picked body of Toads, known as the Die-hards, or
the Death-or-Glory Toads, will storm the orchard and carry everything
before them, yelling for vengeance. There won't be much left of you to
wash, by the time they've done with you, unless you clear out while
you have the chance!' Then I ran away, and when I was out of sight I
hid; and presently I came creeping back along the ditch and took a
peep at them through the hedge. They were all as nervous and flustered
as could be, running all ways at once, and falling over each other,
and every one giving orders to everybody else and not listening; and
the Sergeant kept sending off parties of stoats to distant parts of
the grounds, and then sending other fellows to fetch 'em back again;
and I heard them saying to each other, 'That's just like the weasels;
they're to stop comfortably in the banqueting-hall, and have feasting
and toasts and songs and all sorts of fun, while we must stay on guard
in the cold and the dark, and in the end be cut to pieces by
bloodthirsty Badgers!'"
"Oh, you silly ass, Mole!" cried Toad, "You've been and spoilt
everything!"
"Mole," said the Badger, in his dry, quiet way, "I perceive you have
more sense in your little finger than some other animals have in the
whole of their fat bodies. You have managed excellently, and I begin
to have great hopes of you. Good Mole! Clever Mole!"
The Toad was simply wild with jealousy, more especially as he couldn't
make out for the life of him what the Mole had done that was so
particularly clever; but, fortunately for him, before he could show
temper or expose himself to the Badger's sarcasm, the bell rang for
luncheon.
It was a simple but sustaining meal--bacon and broad beans, and a
macaroni pudding; and when they had quite done, the Badger settled
himself into an arm-chair, and said, "Well, we've got our work cut
out for us to-night, and it will probably be pretty late before we're
quite through with it; so I'm just going to take forty winks, while I
can." And he drew a handkerchief over his face and was soon snoring.
The anxious and laborious Rat at once resumed his preparations,
and started running between his four little heaps, muttering,
"Here's-a-belt-for-the-Rat, here's-a-belt-for-the-Mole,
here's-a-belt-for-the-Toad, here's-a-belt-for-the-Badger!" and so on,
with every fresh accoutrement he produced, to which there seemed
really no end; so the Mole drew his arm through Toad's, led him out
into the open air, shoved him into a wicker chair, and made him tell
him all his adventures from beginning to end, which Toad was only too
willing to do. The Mole was a good listener, and Toad, with no one to
check his statements or to criticise in an unfriendly spirit, rather
let himself go. Indeed, much that he related belonged more properly to
the category of what-might-have-happened-had-I-only-thought-of-it-in-
time-instead-of-ten-minutes-afterwards. Those are always the best and
the raciest adventures; and why should they not be truly ours, as much
as the somewhat inadequate things that really come off?
XII
THE RETURN OF ULYSSES
When it began to grow dark, the Rat, with an air of excitement and
mystery, summoned them back into the parlour, stood each of them up
alongside of his little heap, and proceeded to dress them up for the
coming expedition. He was very earnest and thorough-going about it,
and the affair took quite a long time. First, there was a belt to go
round each animal, and then a sword to be stuck into each belt, and
then a cutlass on the other side to balance it. Then a pair of
pistols, a policeman's truncheon, several sets of handcuffs, some
bandages and sticking-plaster, and a flask and a sandwich-case. The
Badger laughed good-humouredly and said, "All right, Ratty! It amuses
you and it doesn't hurt me. I'm going to do all I've got to do with
this here stick." But the Rat only said, "_Please_, Badger. You know
I shouldn't like you to blame me afterwards and say I had forgotten
_anything_!"
When all was quite ready, the Badger took a dark lantern in one paw,
grasped his great stick with the other, and said, "Now then, follow
me! Mole first, 'cos I'm very pleased with him; Rat next; Toad last.
And look here, Toady! Don't you chatter so much as usual, or you'll be
sent back, as sure as fate!"
The Toad was so anxious not to be left out that he took up the
inferior position assigned to him without a murmur, and the animals
set off. The Badger led them along by the river for a little way, and
then suddenly swung himself over the edge into a hole in the river
bank, a little above the water. The Mole and the Rat followed
silently, swinging themselves successfully into the hole as they had
seen the Badger do; but when it came to Toad's turn, of course he
managed to slip and fall into the water with a loud splash and a
squeal of alarm. He was hauled out by his friends, rubbed down and
wrung out hastily, comforted, and set on his legs; but the Badger was
seriously angry, and told him that the very next time he made a
fool of himself he would most certainly be left behind.
[Illustration: _The Badger said, "Now then, follow me!"_]
So at last they were in the secret passage, and the cutting-out
expedition had really begun!
It was cold, and dark, and damp, and low, and narrow, and poor Toad
began to shiver, partly from dread of what might be before him, partly
because he was wet through. The lantern was far ahead, and he could
not help lagging behind a little in the darkness. Then he heard the
Rat call out warningly, "_Come_ on, Toad!" and a terror seized him of
being left behind, alone in the darkness, and he "came on" with such a
rush that he upset the Rat into the Mole, and the Mole into the
Badger, and for a moment all was confusion. The Badger thought they
were being attacked from behind, and, as there was no room to use a
stick or a cutlass, drew a pistol, and was on the point of putting a
bullet into Toad. When he found out what had really happened he was
very angry indeed, and said, "Now this time that tiresome Toad _shall_
be left behind!"
But Toad whimpered, and the other two promised that they would be
answerable for his good conduct, and at last the Badger was pacified,
and the procession moved on; only this time the Rat brought up the
rear, with a firm grip on the shoulder of Toad.
So they groped and shuffled along, with their ears pricked up and
their paws on their pistols, till at last the Badger said, "We ought
by now to be pretty nearly under the Hall."
Then suddenly they heard, far away as it might be, and yet apparently
nearly over their heads, a confused murmur of sound, as if people were
shouting and cheering and stamping on the floor and hammering on
tables. The Toad's nervous terrors all returned, but the Badger only
remarked placidly, "They _are_ going it, the weasels!"
The passage now began to slope upwards; they groped onward a little
further, and then the noise broke out again, quite distinct this time,
and very close above them. "Ooo-ray-oo-ray-oo-ray-ooray!" they heard,
and the stamping of little feet on the floor, and the clinking of
glasses as little fists pounded on the table. "_What_ a time they're
having!" said the Badger. "Come on!" They hurried along the passage
till it came to a full stop, and they found themselves standing under
the trap-door that led up into the butler's pantry.
Such a tremendous noise was going on in the banqueting-hall that there
was little danger of their being overheard. The Badger said, "Now,
boys, all together!" and the four of them put their shoulders to the
trap-door and heaved it back. Hoisting each other up, they found
themselves standing in the pantry, with only a door between them and
the banqueting-hall, where their unconscious enemies were carousing.
The noise, as they emerged from the passage, was simply deafening. At
last, as the cheering and hammering slowly subsided, a voice could be
made out saying, "Well, I do not propose to detain you much
longer"--(great applause)--"but before I resume my seat"--(renewed
cheering)--"I should like to say one word about our kind host, Mr.
Toad. We all know Toad!"--(great laughter)--"_Good_ Toad, _modest_
Toad, _honest_ Toad!" (shrieks of merriment).
"Only just let me get at him!" muttered Toad, grinding his teeth.
"Hold hard a minute!" said the Badger, restraining him with
difficulty. "Get ready, all of you!"
"--Let me sing you a little song," went on the voice, "which I have
composed on the subject of Toad"--(prolonged applause).
Then the Chief Weasel--for it was he--began in a high, squeaky voice--
"Toad he went a-pleasuring
Gaily down the street--"
The Badger drew himself up, took a firm grip of his stick with both
paws, glanced round at his comrades, and cried--
"The hour is come! Follow me!"
And flung the door open wide.
My!
What a squealing and a squeaking and a screeching filled the air!
Well might the terrified weasels dive under the tables and spring
madly up at the windows! Well might the ferrets rush wildly for the
fireplace and get hopelessly jammed in the chimney! Well might tables
and chairs be upset, and glass and china be sent crashing on the
floor, in the panic of that terrible moment when the four Heroes
strode wrathfully into the room! The mighty Badger, his whiskers
bristling, his great cudgel whistling through the air; Mole, black and
grim, brandishing his stick and shouting his awful war-cry, "A Mole! A
Mole!" Rat, desperate and determined, his belt bulging with weapons of
every age and every variety; Toad, frenzied with excitement and
injured pride, swollen to twice his ordinary size, leaping into the
air and emitting Toad-whoops that chilled them to the marrow! "Toad he
went a-pleasuring!" he yelled. "_I'll_ pleasure 'em!" and he went
straight for the Chief Weasel. They were but four in all, but to the
panic-stricken weasels the hall seemed full of monstrous animals,
grey, black, brown and yellow, whooping and flourishing enormous
cudgels; and they broke and fled with squeals of terror and dismay,
this way and that, through the windows, up the chimney, anywhere to
get out of reach of those terrible sticks.
The affair was soon over. Up and down, the whole length of the hall,
strode the four Friends, whacking with their sticks at every head that
showed itself; and in five minutes the room was cleared. Through the
broken windows the shrieks of terrified weasels escaping across the
lawn were borne faintly to their ears; on the floor lay prostrate some
dozen or so of the enemy, on whom the Mole was busily engaged in
fitting handcuffs. The Badger, resting from his labours, leant on his
stick and wiped his honest brow.
"Mole," he said, "you're the best of fellows! Just cut along outside
and look after those stoat-sentries of yours, and see what they're
doing. I've an idea that, thanks to you, we shan't have much trouble
from _them_ to-night!"
The Mole vanished promptly through a window; and the Badger bade the
other two set a table on its legs again, pick up knives and forks and
plates and glasses from the _debris_ on the floor, and see if they
could find materials for a supper. "I want some grub, I do," he said,
in that rather common way he had of speaking. "Stir your stumps, Toad,
and look lively! We've got your house back for you, and you don't
offer us so much as a sandwich."
Toad felt rather hurt that the Badger didn't say pleasant things to
him, as he had to the Mole, and tell him what a fine fellow he was,
and how splendidly he had fought; for he was rather particularly
pleased with himself and the way he had gone for the Chief Weasel and
sent him flying across the table with one blow of his stick. But he
bustled about, and so did the Rat, and soon they found some guava
jelly in a glass dish, and a cold chicken, a tongue that had hardly
been touched, some trifle, and quite a lot of lobster salad; and in
the pantry they came upon a basketful of French rolls and any quantity
of cheese, butter, and celery. They were just about to sit down when
the Mole clambered in through the window, chuckling, with an armful of
rifles.
"It's all over," he reported. "From what I can make out, as soon as
the stoats, who were very nervous and jumpy already, heard the shrieks
and the yells and the uproar inside the hall, some of them threw down
their rifles and fled. The others stood fast for a bit, but when the
weasels came rushing out upon them they thought they were betrayed;
and the stoats grappled with the weasels, and the weasels fought to
get away, and they wrestled and wriggled and punched each other, and
rolled over and over, till most of 'em rolled into the river! They've
all disappeared by now, one way or another; and I've got their rifles.
So _that's_ all right!"
"Excellent and deserving animal!" said the Badger, his mouth full of
chicken and trifle. "Now, there's just one more thing I want you to
do, Mole, before you sit down to your supper along of us; and I
wouldn't trouble you only I know I can trust you to see a thing done,
and I wish I could say the same of every one I know. I'd send Rat, if
he wasn't a poet. I want you to take those fellows on the floor there
upstairs with you, and have some bedrooms cleaned out and tidied up
and made really comfortable. See that they sweep _under_ the beds, and
put clean sheets and pillow-cases on, and turn down one corner of the
bed-clothes, just as you know it ought to be done; and have a can of
hot water, and clean towels, and fresh cakes of soap, put in each
room. And then you can give them a licking a-piece, if it's any
satisfaction to you, and put them out by the back-door, and we shan't
see any more of _them_, I fancy. And then come along and have some of
this cold tongue. It's first rate. I'm very pleased with you, Mole!"
The good-natured Mole picked up a stick, formed his prisoners up in a
line on the floor, gave them the order "Quick march!" and led his
squad off to the upper floor. After a time, he appeared again,
smiling, and said that every room was ready and as clean as a new pin.
"And I didn't have to lick them, either," he added. "I thought, on the
whole, they had had licking enough for one night, and the weasels,
when I put the point to them, quite agreed with me, and said they
wouldn't think of troubling me. They were very penitent, and said
they were extremely sorry for what they had done, but it was all the
fault of the Chief Weasel and the stoats, and if ever they could do
anything for us at any time to make up, we had only got to mention it.
So I gave them a roll a-piece, and let them out at the back, and off
they ran, as hard as they could!"
Then the Mole pulled his chair up to the table, and pitched into the
cold tongue; and Toad, like the gentleman he was, put all his jealousy
from him, and said heartily, "Thank you kindly, dear Mole, for all
your pains and trouble to-night, and especially for your cleverness
this morning!" The Badger was pleased at that, and said, "There spoke
my brave Toad!" So they finished their supper in great joy and
contentment, and presently retired to rest between clean sheets, safe
in Toad's ancestral home, won back by matchless valour, consummate
strategy, and a proper handling of sticks.
The following morning, Toad, who had overslept himself as usual, came
down to breakfast disgracefully late, and found on the table a
certain quantity of egg-shells, some fragments of cold and leathery
toast, a coffee-pot three-fourths empty, and really very little else;
which did not tend to improve his temper, considering that, after all,
it was his own house. Through the French windows of the breakfast-room
he could see the Mole and the Water Rat sitting in wicker chairs out
on the lawn, evidently telling each other stories; roaring with
laughter and kicking their short legs up in the air. The Badger, who
was in an arm-chair and deep in the morning paper, merely looked up
and nodded when Toad entered the room. But Toad knew his man, so he
sat down and made the best breakfast he could, merely observing to
himself that he would get square with the others sooner or later. When
he had nearly finished, the Badger looked up and remarked rather
shortly: "I'm sorry, Toad, but I'm afraid there's a heavy morning's
work in front of you. You see, we really ought to have a Banquet at
once, to celebrate this affair. It's expected of you--in fact, it's
the rule."
"O, all right!" said the Toad, readily. "Anything to oblige. Though
why on earth you should want to have a Banquet in the morning I cannot
understand. But you know I do not live to please myself, but merely to
find out what my friends want, and then try and arrange it for 'em,
you dear old Badger!"
"Don't pretend to be stupider than you really are," replied the
Badger, crossly; "and don't chuckle and splutter in your coffee while
you're talking; it's not manners. What I mean is, the Banquet will be
at night, of course, but the invitations will have to be written and
got off at once, and you've got to write 'em. Now sit down at that
table--there's stacks of letter-paper on it, with 'Toad Hall' at the
top in blue and gold--and write invitations to all our friends, and if
you stick to it we shall get them out before luncheon. And _I'll_ bear
a hand, too, and take my share of the burden. _I'll_ order the
Banquet."
"What!" cried Toad, dismayed. "Me stop indoors and write a lot of
rotten letters on a jolly morning like this, when I want to go around
my property and set everything and everybody to rights, and swagger
about and enjoy myself! Certainly not! I'll be--I'll see you--Stop a
minute, though! Why, of course, dear Badger! What is my pleasure or
convenience compared with that of others! You wish it done, and it
shall be done. Go, Badger, order the Banquet, order what you like;
then join our young friends outside in their innocent mirth, oblivious
of me and my cares and toils. I sacrifice this fair morning on the
altar of duty and friendship!"
The Badger looked at him very suspiciously, but Toad's frank, open
countenance made it difficult to suggest any unworthy motive in this
change of attitude. He quitted the room, accordingly, in the direction
of the kitchen, and as soon as the door had closed behind him, Toad
hurried to the writing-table. A fine idea had occurred to him while he
was talking. He _would_ write the invitations; and he would take care
to mention the leading part he had taken in the fight, and how he had
laid the Chief Weasel flat; and he would hint at his adventures, and
what a career of triumph he had to tell about; and on the fly-leaf he
would set out a sort of a programme of entertainment for the
evening--something like this, as he sketched it out in his head:--
SPEECH BY TOAD.
(There will be other speeches by TOAD during
the evening.)
ADDRESS BY TOAD.
SYNOPSIS--Our Prison System--the Waterways of Old
England--Horse-dealing, and how to deal--Property,
its rights and its duties--Back to the Land--A
Typical English Squire.
SONG BY TOAD.
(_Composed by himself._)
OTHER COMPOSITIONS BY TOAD
will be sung in the course of the
evening by the COMPOSER.
The idea pleased him mightily, and he worked very hard and got all the
letters finished by noon, at which hour it was reported to him that
there was a small and rather bedraggled weasel at the door, inquiring
timidly whether he could be of any service to the gentleman. Toad
swaggered out and found it was one of the prisoners of the previous
evening, very respectful and anxious to please. He patted him on the
head, shoved the bundle of invitations into his paw, and told him to
cut along quick and deliver them as fast as he could, and if he liked
to come back again in the evening, perhaps there might be a shilling
for him, or, again, perhaps there mightn't; and the poor weasel seemed
really quite grateful, and hurried off eagerly to do his mission.
When the other animals came back to luncheon, very boisterous and
breezy after a morning on the river, the Mole, whose conscience had
been pricking him, looked doubtfully at Toad, expecting to find him
sulky or depressed. Instead, he was so uppish and inflated that the
Mole began to suspect something; while the Rat and the Badger
exchanged significant glances.
As soon as the meal was over, Toad thrust his paws deep into his
trouser-pockets, remarked casually, "Well, look after yourselves, you
fellows! Ask for anything you want!" and was swaggering off in the
direction of the garden, where he wanted to think out an idea or two
for his coming speeches, when the Rat caught him by the arm.
Toad rather suspected what he was after, and did his best to get away;
but when the Badger took him firmly by the other arm he began to see
that the game was up. The two animals conducted him between them into
the small smoking-room that opened out of the entrance-hall, shut the
door, and put him into a chair. Then they both stood in front of him,
while Toad sat silent and regarded them with much suspicion and
ill-humour.