It was in the middle of February that Clodagh arrived in Paris on her
journey home; and it was the end of April before that ardently planned
return to England at last took place.
On a fresh, showery April afternoon when all London looked renewed and
beautified by soft air and fitful brilliant sunshine, she alighted from
the train at Charing Cross.
Her arrival in the lofty, unfamiliar station was very different from
her arrival at the bustling, exciting Parisian terminus two months
earlier. Then, she had descended from her train with the rapidity of
one who sees in the least promising object the hope--if not the
certainty--of interest; now, she left her carriage with the quiet
indifference to outward circumstance that acquaintance with society
teaches. Unconsciously she had learned to move as the women of the
world move--the women who know themselves possessed of a certain value,
and are faintly flattered, faintly amused, perhaps faintly wearied by
the knowledge.
As she walked down the platform a momentary glimmering of
disappointment crossed her face; and she turned to Simonetta who had
come hurrying towards her.
"I thought Lady Frances would have met us," she said. "But I suppose
she is waiting at the flat."
Simonetta looked up solicitously at her mistress. "And the signora?"
she hazarded. "She is not tired?"
Clodagh smiled a little absently.
"Oh no, Simonetta! You must not trouble about me. I have come home, you
know!" She gave a little laugh. "But we must not delay," she added.
"Have you the keys of all the boxes?"
"Yes, signora."
"Then you can see to the examining of the luggage. When it is done,
this porter will put you into a cab. I have given him the address."
"Yes, signora."
"Then I shall see you at the flat?"
"Yes, signora."
Clodagh smiled again; and, turning away, wended her way through the
crowd of passengers surrounded by eager relatives and friends.
Reaching the courtyard of the station, she unostentatiously hailed a
hansom, and, having given her new address to the cabman, took her seat.
A moment later, the cab swung out into London--became one with the
concourse of traffic that, in the season, seems to overflow the
streets. For the instant Clodagh felt herself merged in the teeming
life, which the open doors of the vehicle permitted to approach so
nearly; for the instant she stifled the sense of isolation that had
been slowly gathering force. And, leaning forward in her seat, fixed
her attention upon the passing scene.
Across Trafalgar Square, up Waterloo Place, and into the traffic of
Piccadilly she was borne with exhilarating speed--the cabman avoiding
with extreme dexterity the throng of carriages, motor cars, and
omnibuses that seemed momentarily to increase. To Clodagh, sitting
rigidly attentive, the scene appeared like an impressive pageant--a
pageant of magnificent wealth and abundant prosperity, a splendid,
characteristic picture, in which the budding English trees, the
imposing English clubs, the gorgeous English equipages, and the
beautiful English women made up the background and the central figures.
It was the great procession of a life she had seen only in imagination;
and as her curious eyes drank in its details, she found herself almost
mechanically repeating in her mind the formula to which for the past
two months she had clung with passionate persistence.
"I _will_ live! I _will_ enjoy!"
For the two months this had been her philosophy. Unconsciously, it had
been her philosophy since the night in Paris, when, in one hour, her
castle of imagination had fallen about her feet, and she had stood, as
it were, houseless. In that brief space of time she had realised that
she had been inhabiting a fool's paradise. A fool's paradise! The name
had seemed curiously apt; and through the long, dark hours of that
hateful night her cheeks had burned as she recalled how she had peopled
her enchanted realm, while all the time its unconscious creator had
forgotten its creation--or remembered it only as one self-righteous act
among many. Lady Frances Hope was right! Deerehurst had been right!
Barnard had been right! Ideals were a mistake--things made to be
shattered, as hopes were made to be broken! To live--to live fully,
heedlessly, extravagantly--was the only wisdom. Gore had spoken truly!
She had been a fool. She had been wrong in supposing that she had a
debt to work off; on the contrary, life was her debtor. It was she who
had a score against life!
In this fever of mind, she had written the letters that sent Nance on
her interrupted journey to America; cancelled her invitation to her
aunt and cousin to stay with her in England; and set her own feet on
the road to the south. And in the weeks that followed, the same fever
had burned in her blood. During the preparations for the Riviera and
during the journey to Nice, she had been possessed by a frenzy of
energy. She had craved for incessant action and excitement with a
pertinacity that had seemed insatiable.
And in the crowded Casino at Monte Carlo she had at last attained her
object--she had at last succeeded in losing herself; there, day after
day, night after night, she had sat in the stifling, scented
atmosphere, listening to the incessant, significant click of gold and
silver, watching the artificial light glare down upon the hideously
artificial faces pressed in densely packed circles round the long green
tables. The place had fascinated her with its outward immobility, its
hidden sea of greedy passion. It was, she had fiercely told herself,
life!
After six weeks, Lady Frances Hope had announced her intention of
returning to London. But Clodagh had implored her to postpone her
departure for another week; and when she had laughingly declared the
delay impossible, had announced her own determination to remain on
alone--a determination which no argument of her companion's had been
powerful enough to alter.
And now, after nearly eight weeks spent between Monte Carlo and Nice,
she was returning to take up her residence in a London flat, chosen for
her by Lady Frances.
Her brain felt feverishly active as the cab, having skirted the park
railings from Hyde Park Corner to Knightsbridge, turned into the square
courtyard belonging to the large, quiet building where she was to find
her home.
Descending quickly, she entered the big doorway and glanced curiously
at her new surroundings. The vestibule was imposing, but a little
lonely. And although the hall porter came almost immediately to her
assistance, and listened attentively to the information that she was
the new tenant of the second floor flat, and that her maid and her
luggage were following in another cab, his impersonal air daunted her.
She was annoyed--and almost frightened--by the sudden, poignant desire
that assailed her to see even one familiar face.
However, she listened in her own turn to the polite assurance that all
was in readiness for her arrival; and in due course she passed sedately
to the lift, and was borne upwards.
As she stepped out upon the richly carpeted passage that led to her own
door, she looked round in the half-formed expectation that Lady Frances
Hope might be waiting for her outside her rooms; but almost at once she
dismissed the idea. English people were not demonstrative! She would
find Lady Frances awaiting her beside a cosy tea-table--or a bright
fire! With the haste of anticipation, she crossed the corridor, and
pressed the electric bell.
There was a slight delay before the summons was answered; then the door
was opened by a well-dressed, unemotional-looking maid.
Clodagh stepped forward.
"I am Mrs. Milbanke--your mistress," she said quickly.
The woman looked at her without curiosity.
"Will you kindly walk in, madam?" she said. "I hope you will find
everything in order."
A chill--a chill that painfully suggested home-sickness--fell upon
Clodagh; but she thrust it resentfully aside and entered the pretty
panelled hall of the flat.
"Where is Lady Frances Hope?" she asked, pausing just inside the
threshold.
The maid came forward respectfully, but without enthusiasm.
"Her ladyship has not been here to-day, madam. Can I attend to you,
madam, until your maid arrives?"
Clodagh stood very still. She was conscious of a horrible, inordinate
disappointment; but aware that the servant's eyes were still upon her,
she rallied her self-control.
"Thanks!" she said. "I shan't want anything but a cup of tea. Bring me
some tea to my own room. Did Lady Frances Hope leave no message?"
"No message, madam."
The maid hesitated for an instant longer; then, feeling herself
dismissed, moved noiselessly away to the servant's quarters.
Left alone, Clodagh stood irresolute. This was her home! Her eyes
wandered round the hall, from the walls of which the pictures of the
former tenant looked down as though they criticised the intruder. This
was her home coming! A home coming devoid of one friendly hand, one
welcoming word! Unable to quell the passion of loneliness that swelled
within her, she turned blindly and opened the door that stood nearest
to her.
It was the dining-room that she had chanced upon--a charming
white-panelled room, furnished with Sheraton furniture. But in her
present mood, its graceful severity failed to please her; to her lonely
gaze it had an uninhabited look--it seemed almost to resemble a very
perfect room upon the stage. Drawing back hastily, she closed the door;
and, moving down the hall, entered another room.
This proved to be her own bedroom--a bright, high-ceiled apartment
decorated and furnished in old French fashion and possessing two large
windows, looking upon Hyde Park. But here again she was confronted by
the sensation of unfamiliarity. And as she paused just inside the door,
looking from the long windows to the stately bed, she was suddenly and
completely dominated by her feelings. In a tempestuous wave of emotion,
her hunger for happiness rose menacingly, while the tide of her
philosophy suddenly ebbed. In that moment, as she stood alone in the
wide room, she swayed between trust in her own heart and faith in the
world's healing power. Then, as so frequently happens, the world
snatched the laurels before they had been held out.
With the same unmoved demeanour, the maid who had admitted her,
appeared at the door.
"If you please, madam, the housemaid tells me that her ladyship _did_
send a note for you this morning. You'll find it on the
dressing-table."
At the woman's words, Clodagh started, and her whole face coloured and
changed. Hurrying across the room, she saw the letter, picked it up,
and tore it open.
"DEAREST CLODAGH," she read.
"I must seem a perfect beast. But my old Aunt Deborah--with whom I
can't afford to quarrel!--has announced her stupid intention of
spending a day in town. And of course it must be this day of all
days! _Do_ be a darling and show you forgive me by coming round to
dine at eight-thirty. Lord Deerehurst returned yesterday from the
famous two months' rest-cure, looking younger than ever. He and Val
will be here to-night. Bridge after dinner. Don't fail to come.
"Yours,
"F. H."
As Clodagh read the last line of the letter, she lifted her head, and
turned with a quick gesture to the maid who was waiting by the door.
"I want a fire lighted here and my tea brought to me immediately it is
ready," she cried in a changed voice. "And send my maid in directly she
arrives. I'm dining out!"
Without waiting for a reply, she crossed the room and paused beside
one of the windows, looking down upon the park. Her spirits had risen;
her excitement had been rekindled; she had been saved from the
companionship she had learned to dread--companionship with herself.