But one man loved the pilgrim soul in you.
--W. B. YEATS.
Je veux aimer, mais je ne veux pas souffrir.
--A. DE MUSSET.
In the days that followed the Bishop's visit Michael's mind showed signs
of reasserting itself. He was as quickly exhausted as ever, and with
fatigue came the old apathy and helpless confusion of ideas. But his
languid intelligence had intervals of increasing clearness. His face
took on at these times a strained expression, as if he dimly saw
something with which he felt powerless to cope. We see such a look
sometimes, very piteous in its impotence, in the faces of the old, when
an echo reaches them of the anguish of the world in which they once
lived, which they have well nigh forgotten.
Michael's body, which had so far profited by the inertness of his
faculties, resented the change, and gave unmistakable signs of
relinquishing the slight degree of strength it had regained.
Wentworth became suddenly frantically anxious once more, and in a moment
the wrongs on which he was brooding were forgotten. He decided to go to
London the same day under the guise of business, and to consult the
great doctor privately about Michael, perhaps arrange to bring him back
with him.
"I wish you would drive oftener," he said to Michael before he left.
"It's much better for you than walking up and down. Why not, if you feel
inclined, as you will be alone all day, drive over to Priesthope this
afternoon. I said you would come the first day you could. It's only four
miles, just an easy little drive."
An indefinable change passed over Michael's vacant face at the mention
of Priesthope. His eyes became fixed. He looked gravely at his brother,
as if the latter had solved some difficult problem.
"It's a good idea," he said slowly. "I ought to have gone before,
but----"
"The Bishop stopped you most inconsiderately last time."
"Did he? I don't remember being stopped. Oh! yes, yes, I do. But if I
_had_ gone that day---- But anyhow I will go to-day."
* * * * *
Fay was sitting alone in the morning-room at Priesthope, pretending to
read, when Michael was announced.
When he had been conveyed to a chair and had overcome the breathlessness
and semi-blindness that any exertion caused him he saw that she looked
ill, and as if she had not slept.
"I ought to have come before," he said mechanically, making a great
mental effort and putting his hand to his head. "I meant to come,
but----" he looked hopelessly at her. He had evidently forgotten what he
intended to say.
"The day you were coming with Wentworth the Bishop stopped you," said
Fay drearily. Every word that Wentworth had said that afternoon was
still echoing discordantly in her brain.
"That's it. The Bishop," said Michael with relief. "He told me, we had a
long talk"--his mind was clearing rapidly--"how you meant to save me."
"Yes, I meant to do it," said Fay, looking at him with miserable eyes.
"But the Marchesa, the same day--it was in the papers."
"I know, I know. The Bishop told me. He said I ought to know that you
had been willing to make the sacrifice. I have come to thank you, Fay,
and to ask you to forgive me for misjudging you. You see I was not aware
you--had thought of it."
"It's for you to forgive me, Michael, not me you. And you don't bear me
a grudge, do you? I somehow don't feel as if you did. And--oh, Michael,
you never, never will say anything or do anything, will you--you
_could_, you know--to stop my marrying Wentworth?"
Michael's eyes turned on her almost with scorn.
"When first we met again, that second time in Italy," he said gently,
"do you remember it by the tomb in the gardens? There were roses all
over it. I never saw such roses. Perhaps there were none like them. Then
I had no faintest thought or hope of marrying you, though I had not
forgotten you, Fay. I had put it all away, buried it. You were another
man's wife. Now that we meet again--_the position is the same_."
Fay looked at Michael.
The impersonal detached look which she had set herself to extinguish
that day amid the roses, which had been in his face when she saw him
first as a lad, which she had _twice_ extinguished, was in his eyes
again. There was no pain in them now, any more than there had been when
they leaned together beside the tomb: only the shadow of something
exceeding sharp, endured, accepted, outlived. Michael looked through
her, beyond her.
"And yet the position is not quite the same," he said tranquilly, "for
then you were married to a man you did not love, and now you are to
marry a man you--Oh! Fay, you _do_ care for Wentworth, don't you?"
"I would not have kept _him_ in prison for a day," she said, and hid her
face in her hands.
If only it might have been Wentworth who had sacrificed himself for her
with what desperate rapidity she would have rescued him. How calm her
agonised heart would be now. Fay was beginning to learn that it is ill
to take a service save from the hand we love. And perhaps, too, in her
heart she knew that Wentworth would never have sacrificed himself for
her, for Michael possibly, but not for her.
"Wentworth is worth caring for," said Michael. "Not worth caring for in
part, a bit here and a bit there, who is? but worth caring for
_altogether_. I have loved him all my life. I love him more than anyone
in the world. You asked me just now not to say anything to stop his
marrying you. But that is just what I've come about. I am so afraid of
his marriage with you being stopped."
Fay raised her face out of her hands, and stared at him.
"It's the only thing I've ever known him really wish for, almost keen
about. He can't care much about things, not as other men care. He has
always waited to see whether things will come to him of themselves, and
then if they didn't he thought it was a wise Providence taking them
away, showing him the vanity of setting his heart on anything, while all
the time it's his own nature really that makes things somehow slip away
from him. People slip away from him. I've seen it happen over and over
again. He can't take hold like other men. He does not put himself out
for any one, you know, and he doesn't realise that other people _do_; he
has no idea how men like the Bishop and Grenfell and the Archbishop
stand by each other, and hold together through thick and thin. Wentworth
has no friends, but he doesn't know it. He has only you and me. The
Bishop said we must remember that, and that if--anything happened to
shake his--his feeling for either of us, his belief in either of us, it
would be cruelly hard on him."
"Why should anything happen," said Fay faintly, "if you don't tell him?"
"I shan't tell him on purpose, you may be sure of that, but since--since
the Bishop came over I'm certain he suspects something, I don't know
what, and I have to be careful all the time. Fay, I've grown so stupid
and muddle-headed since I've been in--in _Italy_ that I _can't_ remember
what I may say and what I mayn't about that time. My only safety is in
absolute silence, and lately that has begun to vex him. And he asks such
odd questions, which I don't see the meaning of at first, like traps. He
often tells me he never asks any questions, but he does, indirect ones,
all the time. I'm getting afraid of being alone with him. Sometimes I
think if I stay much longer at Barford I'm so idiotic he'll get it out
of me. Has he asked you any leading questions?"
"No. Once he asked if you showed any gratitude for what I had done for
you in the past. And I said no. It was the first time I had told him a
lie, for it was a lie except in the actual words."
"Aren't you afraid," said Michael gently, "that it may not be the only
one, that perhaps there may be some more?"
There was a long pause.
"I think Wentworth will find out some day," he went on. "I'm _sure_ he
will. Then, Fay, it might be too late for you and me to save him from a
great pain. He might feel that we had both betrayed him."
Fay turned her quivering face towards him.
"Oh, no. I haven't done that. It's you I betrayed, Michael. I'm so
thankful it was _you_, and not him."
"I was yours to keep or to throw away. You could do what you liked with
your own. But it is not the same for Wentworth. Wentworth belongs--to
_himself_."
In her heart she knew it. Love had shown even her certain things about
the man she loved.
"And I am afraid he might feel it if he found out that you had let me
stay--in Italy."
"I'd give anything I have," she said with a sob; "I'd give both my
hands, I'd give my being pretty, which I think so much of, and he thinks
so much of, I'd give anything if only I had not--done that, if I could
only undo that. Sometimes I wake in the morning and think I haven't done
it, that it's only a dream. And it's like Heaven! I cry for joy. And
then the knowledge comes. I did not know, Michael, what I was doing.
But since you came back I've _seen_; since I loved Wentworth I've
_seen_--what I've done to you; just brushed you aside when you got in
the way, and left you to die."
He looked at her in silence. It had come, the moment of anguished
realisation that he had foreseen for her, but it had come to her through
love for another. That to which his great love would fain have drawn
her, she had reached at last by a lesser love than his.
"I have been cruel to Wentworth. I might have tried to get you out for
his sake if not for yours. He never had a moment's happiness while you
were shut up. But I didn't. I didn't really care for him then. I only
tried at last to get you out, because I could not bear the misery of it
any longer. I have never cared for anyone but myself--till now. I see
now that I have been hard and cruel. I have always thought myself gentle
and loving and tender-hearted, like you thought me, poor, poor Michael.
You have paid for that. Like Wentworth thinks me now. Oh, Michael, _must
Wentworth pay too_?"
Michael looked at her with compassion. "I am afraid he must. But do not
let him pay a penny more than is necessary. You still have it in your
power to save him part of the--the expense. Let him pay the lesser price
instead of the greater. Tell him, instead of letting him find out."
Silence.
"It is the only thing to do, Fay."
No answer.
"I am afraid you do not love him after all," said the inexorable voice.
Again silence.
Michael dragged himself feebly from his chair, and took her clenched
hands between both of his.
"Love him a little more," he said. "Take the risk and tell him
everything--while there is still time. Listen, Fay, and try to forgive
me if I seem cruel. You thought you loved me once. But it was not enough
to risk anything for me. You threw me away by your silence because you
found the truth too difficult. Don't, don't throw Wentworth away too,
because the truth is difficult. Fay, believe me," Michael's voice shook,
"it's hard to find out you've been deceived. It's hard to be betrayed."
His voice had sunk to a broken whisper. "Don't put him through it. You
wouldn't if you--if you knew what it was like."
* * * * *
Magdalen, coming in half an hour later found Fay lying on her face on
the sofa alone. She looked, poor little creature, with her outstretched
arms, not unlike a cross on which Love might very well be crucified
anew. It does not matter much whether it is on a cross of wood, or of
fear, or of egotism, that we nail Love to his slow death.
Fay loved for the first time. Was she going to crucify that love, to
pierce its upholding hands, to betray that benign saviour, come so late
but come at last, to help her in her sore need?