Il n'y a point de passe vide ou pauvre, il n'y a point
d'evenements miserables, il n'y a que des evenements
miserablement accueillis.--MAETERLINCK.
Magdalen went back to her own room, and set down her candle on the
dressing-table with a hand that trembled a little.
"I ought not to have gone," she said half aloud, "and yet--I knew she
was awake and in trouble. And she nearly spoke to me to-day. I
thought--perhaps at last--the time had come like it did with Mother. But
I was wrong. I ought not to have gone."
The large room which had been her mother's, the elder Fay's, seemed
to-night crowded with ghostly memories: awakened by the thought of the
younger Fay sobbing in the room at the end of the passage.
In this room, in that bed, the elder Fay had died eighteen years ago.
How like the mother the child had become who had been named after her.
Magdalen saw again in memory the poor pretty apathetic mother who had
taken so long to die; a grey-haired Fay, timid as the present Fay,
unwise, inconsequent, blind as Fay, feebly unselfish, as alas! Fay was
not.
There is in human nature a forlorn impulse, to which Mrs. Bellairs had
yielded, to speak at last when the great silence draws near, of the
things that have long cankered the heart, to lay upon others part of
the unbearable burden of life just when death is about to remove move
it. Mrs. Bellairs had always groped feebly in heavy manacles through
life, in a sort of twilight, but her approaching freedom seemed towards
the last to throw a light, faint and intermittent but still a light, on
much that had lain confused and inexplicable in her mind. Many whispered
confidences were poured into Magdalen's ears during those last weeks,
faltered disjointed revelations, which cut deep into the sensitive
stricken heart of the young girl, cutting possibly also new channels for
all her after life to flow through.
Did the mother realise the needless anguish she inflicted on the spirit
of the grave, silent girl of seventeen. Perhaps she was too near the
great change to judge any longer--not that she had ever judged--what was
wise or unwise, what was large or small. Trivial poisoned incidents and
the deep wounds of life, petty unreasonable annoyances and acute
memories were all jumbled together. She had never sorted them, and now
she had ceased to know which was which. The feeble departing spirit
wandered aimlessly among them.
"You must stand up to your father, Magdalen, when I'm gone. I never
could. I was too much in love with him at first, and later on when I
tried he had got the habit of my yielding to him, and it made a
continual wretchedness if I opposed him. He always thought I did not
love him if I did not consent to everything he wished, or if I did not
think him right whatever he did. I did try to stand up about the
children, but at last I gave up that too. I was not fit to have
children, if I sacrificed their wellbeing to his caprice and his whim,
but that was what I did. I have been a poor mother, and an unfaithful
friend, and an unjust mistress. Women like me have no business to
marry....
"You don't remember Annie, do you? She was second housemaid, the best
servant I ever had. She was engaged to William, the footman with the
curly hair. He is butler now at Barford. She cared for him dreadfully,
poor soul. But your father could not bear her because she had a squint,
and he never gave me any peace till I parted with her. I did part with
her--and I got her a good place--but--I spoilt her marriage. It did not
take much spoiling perhaps, for after she was gone he soon began to walk
with the kitchen maid, but--she had been kind to me. So good once when I
was ill, and my maid was ill. She did everything for me. I have often
cried about that at night since."
* * * * *
"Mother always used to tell me and I never believed it, but it is
true--men are children and it is no good thinking them different. They
never grow up. I don't know if there are any grown up men anywhere. I
suppose there must be--but I have never met one. I don't know any Prime
Ministers or Archbishops, but I expect they are just the same as your
father in home life."
* * * * *
"I daresay your father will be sorry when I'm gone. People like your
father are always very fond of someone who is dead, who has no longer
any claim upon them: a mother or a sister, whom they did not take much
trouble about when they were alive.
"Of course I am going to die first, but I sometimes used to think if
your father died before me and if he were allowed to come back after
death--such things do happen--I had a friend who saw a ghost
once--whether he would be as vexed then at any little change as he is
now. You know, Magdalen, it has always been a cross to me that the
writing-table in my sitting-room is away from the light. My eyes were
never strong. I moved it near the window when I first came here, but
your father was annoyed and had it put back where it is now, because his
mother always had it there. But I really could not see to write there.
And I have often thought if he came back after he was dead whether he
would mind if he found I had moved it nearer the window."
* * * * *
"The Bishop of Elvaston married us. I daresay you don't remember him, my
dear. He died a few years later. He had a wart on his chin and he once
shook hands with baby's feet. But he was good. He told me I must
sacrifice all to love. But what has been the use of all my sacrifices,
first of myself and then of others? Your father has not been the happier
or the better for it, but the worse. I have let him do so many cruel
little things for which others have suffered. It was not exactly that he
did not see what he was doing. He would not see. Some people are like
that. They won't look, and they become dreadfully angry if they are
asked to look. I gave it up at last. Oh, my poor husband! I knew I had
failed everybody else, but at any rate not him. But I see now,"--the
weak voice broke--"I see now that I have failed him, too. We ought
never to have married. Love is not any guide to happiness. Remember
that, Magdalen. We were both weak. He was weak and domineering. I was
weak and yielding. I don't know which is the worst."
As the shadows deepened all the tacit unforgiveness of a weak,
down-trodden nature which has been vanquished by life whispered from the
brink of the grave.
"I have never been loved. I have given everything, and I have had
nothing back. Nothing. Nothing. Don't marry, Magdalen. Men are all like
that. Lots of women say the same. They take everything and they give
nothing. It is our own fault. We rear them to it from their cradles.
From their schooldays we teach them that everything is to give way to
them, beginning with the sisters. With men it is Take, Take, Take, until
we have nothing left to give. I went bankrupt years ago. There is
nothing left in me. I _have_ nothing and I _am_ nothing. I'm not dying
now. I have been dead for years."
* * * * *
"You say I am going to be at peace, Magdalen, but how do you know? I
daresay I'm not. I daresay I am going to hell, but if I do I don't care.
I don't care where I go so long as it is somewhere where there aren't
any more husbands, and housekeeping, and home, weary, weary home, and
complaints about food. I don't want ever to see anything again that I
have known here. I am so tired of everything. I am tired to death."
* * * * *
Poor mother and poor daughter.
Who shall say what Magdalen's thoughts were as she supported her
mother's feeble steps down to the grave. Perhaps she learned at
seventeen what most of us only learn late, so late, when life is half
over.
Bitterness, humiliation, the passionate despair of the heart which has
given all and has received nothing,--these belong not to the armed band
of Love's pilgrims, though they dog his caravan across the desert.
These are only the vultures and jackal prowlers in Love's wake, ready to
pounce on the faint hearted pilgrim who through weakness falls into the
rear, where fang and talon lie in wait to swoop down and rend him.
If we adventure to be one of Love's pilgrims we must needs be long
suffering and meek, if we are to win safe with him across the desert,
and see at last his holy city.
* * * * *
Tears welled up into Magdalen's eyes as one piteous scene after another
came back to her, enacted in this very room.
Poor little mother, who had seemed to Magdalen then so old and forlorn,
who, when she died, had only been a year or two older than Magdalen
herself was now.
And poor little wavering life sobbing in the room at the end of the
passage over some mysterious trouble.
The elder Fay lived on in the younger Fay. Was she also to be vanquished
by life, to become gradually embittered and resentful? There seemed to
be nothing in her lot to make her so. What was it, what could it be that
was casting a blight over Fay's life?
How to help her, how to release her from the self-imposed fetters in
which her mother had lived and--died.
Just as some persons have the power of making something new out of
refuse--paper out of rags--so Magdalen seemed to have the power of
cherishing and transforming the weaker, meaner elements of the
characters with which she came in contact. Certain qualities in those we
are inclined to love daunt us. Insincerity, callousness, selfishness,
treachery in its more refined aspects, these are apt to arouse at first
incredulity and at last scorn in us. But they aroused neither in
Magdalen. She saw them with clearness, and dealt tenderly with them.
What others discarded as worthless, she valued. To push aside the feeble
and intermittent affection of a closed and self-centred nature,
believing it is giving its best, what is that but to push aside a poor
man's little offering. Many years ago Magdalen had accepted not without
tears, one such offering from a very poor man indeed.
Loving-kindness, tenderness, have their warped, stunted shoots as well
as their free-growing, stately blossoms. It is the same marvellous,
fragrant life struggling to come forth through generous or barren soil.
There are some thin, dwarfed, almost scentless flowers of love and
friendship, of which we can discern the faint fragrance only when we are
on our knees. But some of us have conscientious scruples about kneeling
down except at shrines. Magdalen had not.
She knew that Fay cared but little for her in reality. But she also knew
that she did care a little. Fay had turned to her many times, and had
repulsed and forgotten her not a few times.
Magdalen had a good memory.
"When she really wants me she will turn to me again," she said
tranquilly to herself.