_Preparations_
That night Bertram could not sleep. The excitement of that wonderful day
had been too much for his nerves, and he lay alternating between the
depths of utter black despair, fear, self-distrust and anxiety on the one
hand, and the heights of exultation, hope, pride, and joy on the other.
At one moment he saw himself the butt of his colleagues, the contempt of
his men, the _bête noir_ of his Colonel, the shame of his Service, and
the disgrace of his family.
At another, he saw himself winning the approval of his brother officers
by his modesty and sporting spirit, the affection and admiration of his
men by his kindness and firmness, the good-will of his Colonel by his
obvious desire to learn and his keen enthusiasm in his duty, the respect
of his Service for winning a decoration, and the loving regard of the
whole clan of Greene for his general success as a soldier.
But these latter moments were, alas, far less realistic and convincing
than the others. In them he merely hoped and imagined—while in the black
ones he felt and _knew_. He could not do otherwise than realise that he
was utterly inexperienced, ignorant, untried and incompetent, for it was
the simple fact. If _he_ could be of much use, then what is the good of
training men for years in colleges, in regiments, and in the field, to
prepare them to take their part in war?
He knew nothing of either the art or the science of that great and
terrible business. He had neither the officer’s trained brain nor the
private soldier’s trained body; neither the theory of the one nor the
practice of the other. Even if, instead of going to the Front to-morrow
as an officer, he had been going in a British regiment as a private, he
would have been equally useless. He had never been drilled, and he had
never used a weapon of any kind. All he had got was a burning desire to
be of use, a fair amount of intelligence, and, he hoped, the average
endowment of courage. Even as to this last, he could not be really
certain, as he had never yet been tried—but he was very strongly of
opinion that the dread of showing himself a coward would always be far
stronger than the dread of anything that the enemy could do to his vile
body. His real fear was that he should prove incompetent, be unequal to
emergency, and fail those who relied upon him or trusted in him. When he
thought of that, he knew Fear, the cold terror that causes a fluttering
of the heart, a dryness of the mouth, a weakness of the knees, and a
sinking of the stomach.
That was the real dread, that and the fear of illness which would further
decrease capacity and usefulness. What were mere bullets and bayonets,
wounds and death, beside revealed incompetence and failure in duty?
Oh, that he might have luck in his job, and also keep in sufficient
health to be capable of his best—such as it was.
When Hope was in the ascendant, he assured himself that the greatest work
and highest duty of a British officer in a Native regiment was to
encourage and enhearten his men; to set them a splendid example of
courage and coolness; to hearten them up when getting depressed; to win
their confidence, affection and respect, so that they would cheerfully
follow him anywhere and “stick it” as long as he did, no matter what the
hardship, danger, or misery. These things were obviously a thousand
times more important than parade-ground knowledge and such details as
correct alignment, keeping step, polishing buttons, and so
forth—important as these might be in their proper place and season. And
one did not learn those greater things from books, nor on parade, nor at
colleges. A man as ignorant as even he of drill, internal economy,
tactics and strategy, might yet be worth his rations in the trenches, on
the march, yes, or in the wild, fierce bayonet-charge itself, if he had
the attributes that enable him to encourage, uplift, enhearten and give
confidence.
And then his soaring spirit would swiftly stoop again, as he asked
himself: “And have _I_ those qualities and attributes?” and sadly
replied: “Probably not—but what is, at any rate, certain, is the fact
that I have no knowledge, no experience, no understanding of the very
alphabet of military lore, no slightest grasp of the routine details of
regimental life, discipline, drill, regulations, internal economy,
customs, and so forth—the things that are the elementary essentials of
success to a body of armed men proceeding to fight.” . . . And in black
misery and blank despair he would groan aloud: “_I cannot go_. _I cannot
do it_.” . . . He was very young, very much a product of modern
civilisation, and a highly specialised victim of a system and a
generation that had taken too little account of naked fact and elemental
basic tendency—a system and a generation that pretended to believe that
human nature had changed with human conditions. As he realised, he had,
like a few million others, been educated not for Life and the
World-As-It-Is, but for examinations and the world as it is not, and
never will be. . . .
He tossed and turned through the long hot night on the little hard
camp-bed, listening to Murray’s regular breathing and the scampering of
the rats as they disported themselves on the other side of the canvas
ceiling cloth and went about their unlawful occasions. . . .
He reviewed the events of that epoch-making day from the arrival of the
telegram to his getting into bed. . . . A memorable morning, a busy
afternoon and evening, a rotten night—with a beastly climax—or
anti-climax. . . . Would he never get to sleep on this hard, narrow bed?
. . . What would he be fit for on the dreadful morrow if he slept not at
all? . . . What a day it had been! Rather amusing about those
cooking-pots. It wouldn’t be very amusing for _him_ if the situation
developed as Murray had prophesied. . . . Rather a good bit of work that
he had put in between lunch and dinner with the drill-book and a box of
matches. Matches made good sections, companies, and battalions for
practising drill-manœuvres on a desk—but it would he a different thing to
give the orders correctly and audibly to hundreds of men who watched one
with inscrutable eyes. . . . How he wished he had declined the
invitation of Bludyer to accompany him and Macteith to the theatre. . . .
They had proceeded in a car to the Club and there picked up some other
fellows. The play was _The Girl in the Taxi_, and Bertram sat ashamed,
humiliated and angry, as a third-rate company of English actors and
actresses performed their sorry parts in a travesty of European life and
manners, before the avid eyes of hundreds of natives. There they sat,
with faces contemptuous, sensual, blank, eager, gleeful or disgusted,
according to their respective conditions and temperaments—the while they
gathered from the play that English life is a medley of infidelity,
dissipation, intrigue and vulgarity.
And, after the play, Macteith had said: “Let’s go to the Home-from-Home
for a ‘drink-and-a-little-music—what—what’?”
Bertram had thought it a somewhat strange proceeding to go to a Home, at
eleven o’clock at night, for music, and he would greatly have preferred
to go to bed. However, he could not very well say that they must take
him back to bed first, nor announce his intention of leaving the party
and walking home. . . .
. . . Macteith having given instructions to the Eurasian chauffeur, the
taxi sped away and, skirting the sea-shore, turned off into a quiet
avenue of giant palms, in which stood detached bungalows of retiring and
unobtrusive mien. Into the compound of one of these the taxi turned, and
a bell rang loudly, apparently of its own volition. As they got out of
the car, a lady came out to the brilliantly lighted verandah from the
drawing-room which opened on to it. Bertram did not like the look of
this lady at all. Her face reminded him of that of a predatory animal or
bird, with its fierce eyes, thin, hard lips and aquiline nose. Nor, in
his estimation, did the obvious paint and powder, the extreme-fashioned
satin gown, and the profusion of jewellery which she wore, do anything to
mitigate the unfavourable impression received at first sight of her face.
. . . Really the last person one would have expected to find in charge
of a Home. . . . Nor was Macteith’s greeting of “Hullo, Fifi, my dear!
Brought some of the Boys along,” calculated to allay a growing suspicion
that this was not really a Home at all.
Entering the drawing-room with the rest, Bertram beheld a bevy of ladies
sitting in an almost perfect circle, each with a vacant chair beside her.
Some of them were young, and some of them presumably had been. All were
in evening dress and in the exaggerated extreme of fashion. All seemed
to be painted and powdered, and all looked tired and haggard. Another
attribute common to the whole party was that they all seemed to be
foreigners—judging by their accents as they welcomed Macteith and some of
the others as old acquaintances.
Bertram liked the look of these ladies as little as he did that of the
person addressed as “Fifi,” and he hoped that the party would not remain
at the house long. He was tired, and he felt thoroughly uncomfortable,
as noisy horse-play and badinage began, and waxed in volume and pungency.
A servant, unbidden, entered with a tray on which stood three bottles of
champagne and a number of glasses. He noticed that the bottles had been
opened, that the corks and gold-foil looked weary and experienced, and
that the wine, when poured out, was singularly devoid of bubbles and
froth. He wished he had not come. . . . He did not want to drink
alleged champagne at midnight. . . . There was no music, and the people
were of more than doubtful breeding, taste and manners. . . . Macteith
had actually got his arm round the waist of one woman, and she was
patting his cheek as she gazed into his eyes. Another pair exchanged a
kiss before his astonished gaze. He decided to walk out of the house,
and was about to do so when the girl nearest to him seized his hand and
said: “You seet daown ’ere an’ spik to me, sare,” as she pulled him
towards the chair that stood vacant beside her. In an agony of
embarrassment born of a great desire to refuse to stay another minute,
and a somewhat unnecessary horror of hurting the young lady’s feelings by
a refusal, he seated himself with the remark: “Merci, mam’selle—mais il
se fait tard. Il est sur les une heure . . .” as she appeared to be a
French woman.
“Laissez donc!” was the reply. “Il est l’heure du berger,” a remark the
point of which he missed entirely. Finding that he knew French, she
rattled on gaily in that tongue, until Bertram asked her from what part
of France she came. On learning that she was from Alais in Provence, he
talked of Arles, Nismes, Beaucaire, Tarascon, Avignon and the
neighbourhood, thinking to please her, until, to his utter amazement and
horror, she turned upon him with a vile, spitting oath, bade him be
silent, and then burst into tears. Feeling more shocked, unhappy and
miserable than he had ever felt before, he begged the girl to accept his
regrets and apologies—as well as his farewell—and to tell him if he could
in any way compensate her for the unintentional hurt he had somehow
inflicted.
On her sullen reply of “Argent comptant porte médecine,” Bertram dropped
a fifty rupee note into her lap and literally fled from the house. . . .
. . . Yes—a rotten night with a beastly anti-climax to the wonderful day
on which he had received . . . _he_, of all people in the world! . . .
had received orders to proceed to the Front. . . . Bertram Greene on
Active Service! How could he have the impudence—and it all began again
and was revolved once more in his weary mind. . . .
Dawn brought something of hope and a little peace to the perturbed soul
of the over-anxious boy.