OF MISS ELLEN M. PHILLIPS, UPON AWARDING
PRIZES TO THE MEMBERS OF HER SECTION,
TUESDAY EVENING, JUNE, 2ND, '91.
In these days of model schools it is difficult to find an innovation
or to advance a theory of improvement which has not already been made;
but it seems to me there is one crying grievance from which all
schools suffer, and which I should like to do my little mite to
redress. My ideal of a school-master is the one in the opera of "Billy
Taylor." His creed is summed up in the quatrain.
"When a pedagogue, I'd often wish,
I'd give prizes to the _worst_ boys at school.
The good boys I would like to swish,
But alas! I would not break the rule."
Since the pleasant duty of awarding prizes has fallen to my lot, I am
determined to award them according to my theory, and lest my reasons
for bestowing them may not be perfectly clear to all, and the system
of reasoning by which my results are attained appear somewhat
illogical, I will endeavor to explain my reasons.
What, for instance, can be more absurd than the usual way in which the
prize is chosen for the individual obtaining the highest per cent. in
an examination? What, forsooth, is awarded but a collection of
books!!! Yes! To the very person who is supposed to know all that
books contain! It would be much more logical to my thinking to give
the aforesaid set of books to a poor plucked student who would be so
glad to avail himself of a little of their weighty contents.
For, and in consideration of the aforesaid reason, and for other
valuable consideration, I hereby assign, transfer and set over unto
you, my dear Miss Reidy, this little volume. It may seem small, but
believe me therein is comprised a respectable proportion of human
knowledge. It will be your consolation in time of need. In it you will
find every thing a mortal mind may desire. Do you desire wealth? You
will find it described on all that certain lot, piece or parcel of
column 2, situate, lying and being on page 303. Or perhaps happiness
is your aim? That you will find near the southeast corner of page
133, the same being therein described as the State of Enjoyment.
In short, you will have no wish unfulfilled. Go, _read ye_ and be
wise, and however friends may forsake you, be sure this faithful Dict.
will never fail you.
Another striking injustice in the bestowal of prizes is the fact the
teachers get none of them, and who, pray, is more entitled to them? Is
it not the teacher who has crammed and coached the unfortunate
students to the saturation point? Now, in my model school, no such
injustice shall be done, but, what to offer? There's the question. Of
course a teacher's mind is a compendium of all human knowledge,
therefore books would be out of place. So, Mr. Mason, to you I offer
no gaudy volume, but only this little machine, adapted for physical
culture. It is warranted to exercise every one of the blank muscles of
the human body at once; besides cultivating the artistic taste. Note
the graceful curve it describes in the air! Note the harmony of color
in the handles! Take it, dear teacher, to have, to possess, and to
enjoy the same unto yourself, your heirs, executors, administrators,
and assigns forever.
Another striking incongruity is the fact that the best student is
generally a pale, slender girl, or one on which the ravages of disease
have set their mark. To this delicate creature is given a prize of
books which will still further tax her powers. Now, would it not be
wiser to minister to the body diseased and award a prize of this
nature. Will Miss Hilda Busick step this way? Permit me to ask you one
question. _Be you sick?_ That is all I wish to know. _Be you sick?_ If
that be so, dear friend, take this in time. It is warranted to cure
every ill under the sun, and taken internally or externally makes no
difference. Take it, and bless your fortunate star which brought this
to your lot rather than a pile of dusty volumes.
For you, dear Miss Clancy, I was at a loss, but knowing that your
future career will be a busy one, I thought this little engagement
slate might be handy. You see you can hang it up in your office when
you are called away to take down a sermon of Phillips Brooks, or to
report the World's Fair of '92, and the horde of stenographer-hunters
may subscribe their names here and their humble supplication that you
will attend to them on their return. The other side of the slate may
be used in casting up bills.
I quite agree with Miss Sharp that patriotic sentiments ought to be
inculcated, and for this reason I have chosen this little flag of our
country which I beg she will accept; accompanying it is a little
bundle of fire-crackers dear to every patriotic heart. The best way to
appreciate them is to tie them together with their fuming little
projecting frizzles, set fire to the last one and throw them on the
street; the result will astonish you, I am sure.
And now, my dear friends, you have seen the merits of my system, but
it is with pain that I point out its only defect. I give prizes to the
worst ones at school, the only trouble is there are so few "worst"
that the list of prize-winners is naturally small. But I hope you will
acknowledge that its defect is amply compensated for by its other
excellencies.