Know All Men By These Presents, that I, having departed this life,
have received permission from Pluto, King of the Shades, to return to
this world and make known to you, less fortunate mortals, your
destiny. While lounging idly on the banks of the "River of Oblivion,"
the sovereign of that sunless region permitted me to read in his "Book
of Life." Listlessly turning over the pages I saw a name in bold
characters: "W. L. Mason, City, County and State of New York." Then
the pages began to turn of their own accord and the names of my former
friends and acquaintances, _inter alia_, presented themselves in rapid
succession.
Mary A. Moore and her husband; John Williamson; our well-known
pugilistic friend, John L. Sullivan; a "hen-pecked" Bostonian, and
others.
As I read a dim mist seemed to come from the river, causing the words
to fade; bona fide pictures arose in their stead.
_First._ In the famous city of Kroy Wen, stood a large pagoda, on
which was emblazoned the startling legend: "College of Stenography, W.
L. Mason, President." At this hour the college doors were open and
within could be seen the bulletin of the staff; it was, the President,
the right honorable W. L. Mason, D. D., assisted by his able corps of
instructors, the professors Massie and Shaughnessy, the latter by
their punctuality and the sweet temper of the former, being of the
utmost assistance to him. Et signiture was the course.
First Term. Lecture on the Principles of Shorthand, together
with practical lessons in disorder, untidiness, negligence,
forgetfulness and carelessness, all thoroughly taught in
three months more or less.
Second Term. Practice in misapplying all that you have
learned, with a view to writing as illegibly and slowly as
possible.
Third Term. Literature, the reading of Mother Goose Rhymes in
shorthand, and the writing of dime novels for the literature
of the 20th century.
The Right Honorable President, as hereinbefore mentioned, is old and
decrepit, unable to keep order in his classes, and therefore always
carries with him a jumping rope, the handles of which he uses on the
knuckles of his unruly pupils, while the rope itself brings to him
recollections of his youthful days when it was used for the legitimate
purpose for which it was manufactured.
_Second._ Now the panorama changes and shows a lady of medium height,
fair, slight and happy. She walks through one of the crowded streets
of Kroy Wen, handing to the passers by circulars which read as
follows:
"To the People of the City of Kroy Wen,
"GREETING:
"I beg to notify the public that the first issue of my new
paper,--Wit,--will be ready in two weeks and I hereby
guarantee to the said public that it will afford amusement,
entertainment and instruction, with a special column devoted
to Phonography.
"In Witness Whereof, I have hereunto set my hand and seal,
the day and year last above written.